Is it a mental illness or just depression?

[The_Abyss]

I am struggling. I have had periods of depression before, but this one has been long-lasting and all consuming. After a couple of episodes of self harm, and realising I had everything in place for accessing a successful suicide, I swallowed my pride and sought a referral to a psychologist. I felt more positive after the first visit, and felt I had the beginning of the tools to start climbing out of my abyss. At the second visit, many of my childhood traumas where cracked open, and like a Pandora's box, the poison has spilled forth, never to be re-constrained. Rather than making an appointment a week later, the psychologist made it at 3 weeks, and I felt like a victim of abuse all over again. He constantly refers to my inner voices of failure and hopelessness, which has the affect of making me feel more hopeless, more of a failure. Despite this, I have already developed a dependence - like a hostage dependent on the kidnapper, or a victim dependent on the abuser. Today he introduced Schema therapy, but I was unable to focus on that enough to get benefit. He is again unavailable for the next 5 weeks, and I feel like I'm drowning with no one to turn to. My husband doesn't know I've been attending the psychologist, and it's not a conversation I feel I can have. To make it worse, I have started getting menopause symptoms combined with dreadful PMS symptoms at the same time. I dread the next one as I swing between suicidal and homicidal during that week. I don't feel I can speak with my GP as he is also a work colleague, and living in a small town, I know or am known by people at each practice. In the meantime, I have started to get serious concerns that this isn't just a simple depression, but the manifestation of a borderline personality disorder, and that terrifies me. I don't know where to turn or what to do. Do I try a different psychologist and have to start all over again, risking ripping open the Pandora's box further? Or do I bide my time, work on the Schema therapy exercises the psychologist introduced me to and wait for him to have time for me? Do I do nothing, drowning deeper and deeper? What if it is a mental disorder rather than just a depression? GP suggested medication, but I'm not ready to admit I have a problem to that degree. Like an alcoholic that attends their first AA meeting, but isn't yet prepared to tell anyone they are going, or admit they have a problem. I'm sorry to ramble - I feel so lost and alone, drowning, terrified. In the Abyss.

[The_Abyss]

I have continued to deteriorate badly over the past few days and I am no longer coping with life. I have spent days in tears. I have stopped exercising and even binge eating is no longer working. I am spiralling badly out of control, and after a couple of good weeks, the loss is even harder to bare.

I confronted the GP yesterday and told him how frustrated I was with him just handing me ADs and then leaving me bereft to cope with them alone, no followup, no RUOK, no contact, especially after telling him of my suicide attempts, my lack of coping, my need to have regular check ins. I am afraid I have now destroyed that relationship too.... "I can't be your friend and your doctor....it looks like I have failed at both......We will have to go to a normal doctor / patient relationship and schedule regular appointments". "I need a doctor, but I don't want to lose you as a friend". I need a friend more than a doctor at the moment - doctors I can find another, friends are much harder. It looks like I have lost both and I have never felt more alone. To compound it, he announced yesterday he was leaving the practice in August. My world fell apart. It is only with the hope that he is working that day that gets me through the door at work at all at the moment. My dependence on him is complete and I have had that world ripped apart. I feel abandoned, rejected, bereft.

He has referred me to a psychiatrist in Sydney and upped my ADs. I asked him about why he suggested the psych... "because you are in a severe, long lasting depression and with the way you react to medications, you need someone who can balance the best meds for you and can co-ordinate your care better than me". "Is this just a depression? Are you sending me because you think it's more than that?". This was answered with more questions rather than answers.

Today is also ANZAC day, the day I feel closest to my grandfather. I lost him in 99, the only stable relationship in my life growing up. The only safe haven I had in a life of turbulence and abuse. Once I had my own family, I would return to Sydney each year to proudly watch him march and so feel his lost hardest on ANZAC day. My life this week just keeps reinforces the losses and I see no way out.

I have my hopes pinned on the psychologist returning next week and waving a magic wand to make it all better. It's an unrealistic expectation and in all likelihood will make things worse.

Nowhere left to turn. Nothing left. Hope gone. Lost and alone. Over

[The_Abyss]

Sorry- I am safe, just back in the bottom of the abyss.

[Croix]

Dear TA~

Anybody with a heart would have been greatly affected by that story. I was even though I do not share the experiences Venessa talked about. I can imagine a little of what it must have done to you, someone much closer.

While it hurt for me to read I did end up thinking of how great the human spirit is. Yes I know this is a well-worn phrase, but true. Here is a lady who has undergone some of the worst things life has to offer, is still faced with the daily grind of looking after here son and husband, yet her strength and caring for others shines though.

She is making it.

This 'confrontation' may have come a little early in your recovery, but you will end up stronger in time. You have it in you, something that always shows in your words.

Meanwhile we are all here for you when you want.

Croix

[The_Abyss]

The post was too real, too close to home, another pandora's box. My doc doesn't know about my years of abuse, my husband doesn't, even the psychologist - when he asked about abuse, I failed to answer and left it at that. I suspect my mother knows but we never discussed it - she lost a "good" babysitter and blamed me for that too. You are right Croix - FW did triumph against adversity.....I thought I had too but it was just waiting to trip me back up. (PS - I didn't mention names.....why did you automatically presume it was that one? Do you work in the background of BB as well?)

I finally finished the assignment on the weekend as well, the one that was also a trigger. That combined with the post was too overwhelming to deal with. Added to the overwhelming pressure from so many directions at the moment, the sleep deprivation, the hours on the road alone, the lack of stress relief, my perceived lack of support, and a dozen other things going on at the moment, and I fell badly. I had pinned my hopes on the ADs fixing the problem, and they showed such early promise. When they too failed, I felt there was nothing left. I have compromised every stance, every belief, every protective mechanism, and I have failed. I have been left raw and exposed, no way out, nothing. Another failure to add to the growing number. I am failing in so many areas of my life at the moment that I can see no way out. Wallowing in self-pity. So much pressure, so little relief. Failing. Struggling. Drowning.

[The_Abyss]

Time to stir myself from my self-imposed hell. Another wasted day, nothing achieved, nothing done. A day in bed with tears and sorrow and self-pity. My husband is due home from work shortly - it's time to put my mask back on and pretend that everything is normal. It is so exhausting living a double life.

Time to be proactive - I need to apply for extensions on my next two assignments, hoping the increased meds will help me get them done eventually. Working all week - doc wanted to give me time off, but no one to replace me, everyone with their own struggles. Another 7 days until I see the psychologist, not sure when I'll get to see the psychiatrist. No time for assignments, no time for me. Probably time I spoke to my boss and let him know the depth of my struggle and the difficult position I have put my work colleague in. Not sure I can trust him with my full story - don't want it getting back to my husband, don't want it affecting my job. If that happens, I am likely to walk away, make a new life for myself in a new location, turn my back on the pain.

Mask on. Deep breath. Time to pretend.

[White_Rose]

Hello My Dear

So sorry for you in this situation. I had a psychologist who was my friend, or so I thought. He's no longer a friend and never was a psychologist. Such a depth of betrayal and hurt. I can really understand your pain, frustration and bewilderment. I think the doc is right about referring you to a psychiatrist. If you have problems with medication in general or just the ADs you do need an expert to take charge.

Venessa's post was difficult for other people as well, although that is no comfort to you. Please give yourself time to come back. I know that doesn't help much at the moment but you will get back up again. You've done it before. Sweetheart, we all wish we could take your pain away. And it's not much help to say I've been there because I am still living day by day. But it can be done, you have done it before.

You are not a failure. There has been too much for you to bear at the moment. Please take time off work. Other people are not your responsibility and the organisation will not fall apart. They will manage and you will return with more strength and hope. There are other ADs you can try which will help.

Will you try and tell both the psychologist and psychiatrist all your story? You have been carrying it for so long and it is sapping all your strength. I wish you could talk to your husband but if not, then tell the psychs. They are not allowed to talk about you to anyone. I know how hard it will be, but such a relief afterwards. It will be far better than talking to your boss because you are unsure of his reaction and your safety. Wearing your mask all the time is also sapping your energy and making you feel worse. My dear, you need to off-load your burden somewhere.

We are all holding out our hands to you, so take hold.

Mary

[The_Abyss]

thank you ....

TA

[CMF]

Hi TA,

im sorry to see you struggling so much. I feel for you so much. I can't offer much more in the way of words but I can offer you support, hope, and send you some strength.

Mary is right, you can't keep wearing the mask, you need to offload the burden.

here for whenever you need to post.

sending you a conforting hug.

cmf x

[Quercus]

Hi TA,

I just saw your posts and you sound so exhausted. We are all here for you. I lost my Grandad on the 26th a few years ago and you're right about the loss being raw on days like today. I'm sorry you are feeling so lost at the moment. A lot of what you said reasonated with me...

Not sure I can trust him with my full story - don't want it getting back to my husband, don't want it affecting my job. If that happens, I am likely to walk away, make a new life for myself in a new location, turn my back on the pain.

Well I for one can say that doesn't work. I did that once. Started from scratch. I felt ok for a while. And then I hit a few triggers and the depression returned worse than ever. By then I was happily married and had no reason to be miserable but I couldn't escape the despair in my mind. The psychiatrist told me I should have been on meds a long time ago (now I have to stay on these for a few years at least he says). So please stick it out and give the psychiatrist a go.

Like you I had never spoken about some things (I avoid the abuse section like the plague). Then my psychiatrist mentioned psychotheraphy which is a treatment he offers along with medication. He said it tries to help you deal with your past traumas (I don't think psychologists do this but you'll have to check).

And this opened a can of worms for me. I've realised my triggers are related to the past abuse. I can't run away from my hisband and kids so my option is to face this at last. My difference is that my hubby is in my corner supporting me. Is speaking to yours an option? You don't have to go into detail (I didn't). But just having their understanding and support is so important.

I have to go to work now but I'm thinking of you and sending my support your way. Take care of yourself TA.

[Croix]

Dear TA~

My heart really does hurt for you, if I - like all your other friends here,could take part of you burden I would do so gladly - as would they.

To answer your question, no I'm nothing special in the bb structure. I could see your hurt, I saw others hurting the same. Like you, and others, I had read part of the book.

Pining your hopes on medication - I do too. I look at them as thickening the ice on which I stand. If the weight gets too heavy I still go down. The difference is it happens a lot less often.

If you are going to tell anybody anything at the moment please follow Mary's advice and tell your new psychiatrist and psychologist more, leave telling anyone in the work environment for the moment.

You are taking repeated blows at the moment. That will make anyone reel. It will calm down and get better.

Croix