Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hi Paws & Woofa

It is just as well I don't have any scales at home - I could get caught up in that trap of checking my weight every day. I don't want to fork out big bucks for a talking bathroom scale or kitchen scale, either, for that matter, even NDIS would pay for them.

I like your salad / sandwich ideas - well done! ... Although, I presume the fruit is in a fruit salad, oo but I do recall someone I knew who liked pineapple sandwiches. That's a great idea, to make up roast veges to use in the salads, too.

I like the quick & simple sometimes. When it looks to be hot for a few days ahead, I will boil up some eggs, & have them ready for egg & lettuce sandwiches, 'cause I really don't want to cook on hot days. I especially like egg & lettuce sandwiches on hot days.

Funny Woofa! Don't you dare drool in my mouth even if you see a bit of meat stuck between a couple of my teeth! Just you curl up on my lap & see if you can ignore the shiny instruments & the bbright light she wears on her head, the sound of the sucker thing ... oh, dear, Woofa, am I expecting too much? What if I give you a rub behind your ears?

I intended to go out today, but when the weather forecast informed me it was likely to rain heavily, withthe possibility of a thunderstorm, I phoned my support worker & said I was uncomfortable about us driving out there & back, so I have decided to cancel. Blast, but the forecast rain hasn't really started at all, even now (9:30pm Qtime), it's only very lightly raining out there. 

I have to be content with the rational thought I had: 'better safe than sorry' & do what exercise I can do here today - & don't pester myself with unwanted thoughts about it. It's been difficult today.

*

I have phoned someone I wanted to call a couple weeks now. We usually talk for a long time. This time he tells me his rent is going up, a new lease or he can move out... he's on a pension, like me, blind too, already paying half his pension for rent, with gov assistance. I can't do much here, but look up some (hopefully) helpful resources, which he will have to contact.

This p...s me off so much. I know services are all stretched to breaking, so I fear what might happen for him. He can't sit around on some waiting list - there's not enough time.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty,

The fruit gets chopped up very finely & included in the salad sandwich... I also include fruit in my stews... not a lot of fruit in the sandwich as I wouldn't want it to dominate, but a little works well & is a good way for me to get fruit in my diet... apple works really well with most salads... the fruit can work like a dressing/chutney if mashed up.

I understand you not wanting to go out in the stormy weather... I had storms hereabouts early in the week & so put off going into big town until Thursday when it fined up even though I had needed to get to the chemist as I had run out of some meds... I really don't like driving on the country roads in storms as the roads are bad enough in the dry... but in the rain they don't drain well & the potholes are harder to avoid... plus I hate really strong winds whether I'm home or out, but especially driving.

It p..ses me off too hearing about things like what your friend is going through... housing shouldn't be about wealth creation, but regarded as basic human right... governments of all stripes waste so much money that could & should be spent for those who truly need assistance in life... up until the 70s governments were proud to provide social housing... they didn't always get the housing right (tower blocks were a mistake)... but they also had some decent housing out in the communities which they maintained, unlike today.

Nose bops from Woofa... who has been a good boy today 

Hugs

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Oh my, Paws & Woofa, I'm not sure what happened, but I missed your reply. I'm not sure I even got a notification, because even if I don't write, I will 'support' by clicking the little blue heart, but it hasn't had even 1 person supporting your post, so I hadn't done it, either, which makes me think I didn't see your post!

See how I got to work things out because my memory doesn't tell me 'yes' or 'no' about your last post.

I remember a salad I would buy in town, which had chicken, celery, apple, lettuce, & some other stuff, I can't recall, with a creamy dressing, which I liked very much.

One thing I never did, & I don't know why, was to find out how to make healthy food for Mekitty. I always was uncomfortable about the food I bought for her, looking for the ones which had the least salt in particular.This was before I began really looking at how much salt I was eating.

I wonder, have you thought about cooking up nutritious food for your Woofa? 

Anyway, I came here for another reason, so I best be getting on with that.

Hugzies for a good Paws, for making healthy salads & sandwiches, & pets

& nosebops for a good Woofa.

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hello to anyone reading

An update, of sorts. I haven't heard from my friend. I had tried to phone him & then message him, & I included a request for him to let me know when I could call him again. I got back a message saying he'd been sleeping & missed my calls... & no reply to my request.

He hasn't phoned me.

The last few Fridays when my home help worker has been here, she has told me she & her boyfriend, & the two kids, will also be homeless. She's been telling me all the problems related to this, how uncertain her housing will be, where they (& a cat) will be living, what to do with things they own ... everything.

I don't know what to tell her; it's just about my worst nightmare, being homeless. My friend is on my mind already. I feel sorry this is happening to so many people around Australia. I was tempted to say I would take her cat in while she was homeless. It's not the best decision I could make for myself, although I'm sure I could love another cat living here.

She has also not been thorough in her cleaning duties. I have found things not cleaned properly.

So, I have thought, the cleaning is one issue I need to phone the company she works for about, but I also have to say something about her discussing her personal circumstances with me. & not only with me. She told me she has spoken to another client about her circumstances, & the client offered to take them in for a few days, (I think she said). It concerns me she would take advantage of a client's generosity, or the way I feel sorry & love cats... It's about breaching boundaries.

Gotta do it - so I did this morning.

I've been trying to 'disconnect' when she was talking last Friday. I can't quite do that as I did when I was young. My emotions are, as it were, right there next to me, letting me know they are there.

The phone call this morning won't necessarily help her, but it is something I feel I need to do to protect myself.

That's one...

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hi again

This morning, (I was trying to enjoy a little sleep in), my PDr emailed me, (my phone alerted me), asking me to confirm a change of our appointment time & date.

I got up & did that, feeling my emotions beginning to stir. In my reply I don't tell him what I'm beginning to feel while agreeing to the new date & time.

Practically speaking, it's not a huge problem. I just have to ask my Thursday support worker to arrive a little while later, to give me time to have the appointment, then pay him, & finish getting ready for her to take me out somewhere.

Emotionally, things like this stir me up. I started thinking, one day I just won't have any more appointments with him, for various reasons, like, one day he may retire, or may become seriously ill & have to stop working or die. Or indeed, I may not be able to continue talking to him, maybe my memory problems are just the beginning of more severe cognitive problems & at some point, it may become impossible for him to continue therapy with me. Then I was also thinking, with images popping up in my mind, of myself being homeless, going to his place, where I used to go before telehealth, because I couldn't recharge my phone, so I'm trying to get his attention by throwing rocks ast his frnt door, (throudh the gate), & when he comes out to deal with the noise & disturbance, he turns me away. & I wonder would it bother him to have to turn me away, for any reason.

I also thought, I wish he would want to talk to me, not as a PDr/patient relationship, but like friends, without me & the Gov having to pay him like it is now.

... all these thoughts.. it was getting me really upset. It took a while to build up to the emotional mess I was in later in the morning. 

It's times like this I feel I need him too much, but I can't seem to think I could bear being without him.

Having been a patient of his for so long, I can't imagine how, (if it was possible, if he would allow,for us to reform the relationship of PDr/patient to one of friendship. 

Well, that'll get this off my chest a while. Comments & questions, as always, welcome. 

Hugzies to you all!

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty,

Well done on making that phone call... of course you were feeling emotional with her telling you these things... you are a kind empathic person... however she is meant to be there to give you support & assistance not to seek it for herself... it is the last thing you or any of her clients need & incredibly unprofessional.

Lass I don't think the rules that Drs have would allow him to associate with you as a friend after having been his patient... the rules are there to help stop Drs from taking advantage of patients...

I don't know if you have spoken to him about how much you feel the need for him to always be there for you... perhaps if you don't feel comfortable bringing it up during a session you could email/text him letting him know  & asking him to discuss it with you at your next session... I know when I was seeing a PDr as a public patient they changed the PDr every 3 months to stop patients becoming dependant on one PDr, so it is something that obviously happens a lot.

After having your support worker dumping her issues on you, I'm not surprised that having your appointment time changed sent you into a spiral... lass do you have a safety plan for when you feel you are heading for being an "emotional mess"... having things you can do or phone services you can ring set out in a plan can be helpful.

Of course your friends here are always happy to offer an ear or shoulder... or a paw or two 

hugs

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Thank you, Paws

I'm well aware PDrs cannot form friendships with patients or former patients. These thoughts about it relate to my feelings, wishes fears & such. We have spoken of these feelings, usually in relation to his holidays. Over the last year, however, he has had to reschedule appointments for reasons he's not telling me, which leaves my imagination to go off the deep end. He is very strict about boundaries, which I agree with, but it is sometimes frustrating because I don't know why he is now changing his schedule when for all the previous years he has been so very reliable in that way.

I know I will settle again. I am now, really, as I write, thinking of my dinner, which I am about to cook.

I feel drained, would have loved to get in a snooze this afternoon instead of writing. But the writing does a lot for me, just putting these thoughts & feelings into typed words, brings me a sense of order & perspective too. It's hard to explain how writing has helped me throughout the years.

The really annoying thing is, after being so emotional today, I may well forget when I am talking to him Wednesday. Or it may all seem silly, like I'm dramaticly expressing myself with all this emotion & words for some audience - who? Me or him?

He knows how I struggle with my feelings, my fears of abandonment, attachment, my needing someone I can talk to so much, even when I'm not saying so much. He knows I struggle with the fee he charges, & that without Medicare, I don't get enough money to pay him. Yet, I also question if he would talk to me without being paid? Am I a job to him, & nothing more? He points out, of-course, he could have other patients, could have not met me for the first session, right? True, I'm sure there are many people who he could see instead of me. He has the power, being self-employed, in his own private practice, to choose the patients he wants.

My conflicts are so deep.

I don't think I'd ever deal with this if I had to have a new PDr evry three month. That would put me so on my guard, I might not be able to talk to anyone under those circumstances.

No need to fret over my welfare. I'm kinda getting used to this occasional crap.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK, I was thinking of your attachment with your PDr and wondered, having read your story on another thread, if the experience of your mother being absent as a child is part of the strength of that attachment? I'm sure you've likely thought about that. I just mention it because my mother was physically there but emotionally absent. The first therapist I saw when I was 30 said to me to think of her as a kind of mother. This may have worked had she maintained strong boundaries, but over time those boundaries eroded. I was very hesitant at first to allow myself to think of her as a mother, but then gradually did. She would say "don't trust your mother, trust me". It didn't end well. She began increasingly to confide in me like I was a parent and the roles were reversing. She then became uncontrollably angry at me and I broke inside as she had become my alternate mother. Sorry that's a depressing story. But what I was trying to say is that your PDr maintaining those strict boundaries is both necessary and healthy and things may well go seriously pear-shaped if the boundaries weren't in place, even if it seems like it would be so nice to connect in a way the therapy doesn't really accommodate, more like relating to a friend.

I understand the feelings though. You share your most personal things with this person and they have been there for you for a long time. I think it's humanly natural to want a deep connection and imagine that as a possibility. It can also feel kind of strange how such personal sharing is monetised, with us paying quite a lot of money (even with Medicare rebate) to the therapist. It's like somehow finances coming into personal connection (even though the personal sharing is coming entirely from us and not the therapist). It's an unusual sort of relationship that doesn't occur in other facets of life.

So I think I'm just trying to say I understand how you feel and to give you big hugzies. I'm finding that I'm gradually starting to develop an internal caring system where I'm beginning to meet some of my own attachment needs, if that makes sense. But we do need meaningful contact with others to help in that process. I hope that you can get some of that here on the BB forum, knowing you are supported and cared for. You are so kind to people here with so much love and a sense of humour. I really value the support you and others have given me. Hugs (and purrs from GFC).

[mmMekitty]

Thank you very much, ER. You understand very well.

Your experience with your first therapist is a perfect example of why the strict boundaries are so important. She failed to maintain them & failed to notice & do anything to restore the boundaries. 

My PDr & I had conversations about the boundaries & he insisted it was his job to monitor them, so I could feel free & safe to talk openly with him. That was hard to do. I wanted to keep on guard, watching for any hint of breaching boundaries.

I have written before, of a previous psychiatrist I saw, & tolertated with more & more discomfort, as he continued to tell me about himself, his life, being disrespectful by eating apples or cruncy nunts while I was talking, always late, & towards the end, at a locations where I was able to hear his colleague with his patients, the secretary behind me, with a thin wall between, & I felt sure everyone could hear just as well. He failed to respect my complaints about how he was treating me. I tolerated far more than I ought to have before becoming angry enough to stop seeing him. It got to the point where I thought finding someone else would be less traumatic than continuing with him.

I now think, he taught me a whole lot about what I don't want in a therapist.

I have found describing how the therapeutic relationship differs from any other sort of relationship, (when it's working well, that is), very difficult to do. Or maybe it is just uncomfortable.

....Getting late, hugzies & purrs to you & GFC. I really am over tired.

mmMekitty 

[mmMekitty]

Hi all

Today, I had my appointment with my PDr. It was difficult, but I managed to talk about my thoughts & feelings surrounding his resceduling of appointments, & when I know he'll be on holiday.  It gets so emotional for me, because I fear my emotional struggle with this will be a reason for him to not see me anymore... I haven't said that to him, yet. It scares me when he had put his fee up - wondering if I can keep paying more & more? &now, these rescheduled appointment times & days. & today he mentioned the group, which we had talked about something like five years ag Today he mentioned it because it would be less expensive. In my feelings, I feel he is pushing me away. No, I didn't tell him that either. I fear saying so will make it real.

I later remembered that following an interview with him & his colleague, their decision was that I was not suitable to join the group they have.

I also remember he said back then, that there was no Medicare rebate for the group therapy they offer.

So, tonight I am rather confused.

*

I have had a call about my home support, for after Easter. They can send someone else. I am hoping for a more professional service. I am relieved I won't have to see the worker I have complained about anymore.

I talked about that with my PDr, too, today. I had to quickly reassure him, that although I feel for her, & her circumstances, I fully understand why I had to decide to complain. Indeed, this could be a good opportunity for her to learn about boundaries. Maybe they will assess her cleaning techniques too. I can only hope, especially if she intends continuing in this sort of support work.

Hugzies to everyone.