Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[demonblaster]

Wow good on ya Sapphire that's fantastic😀

You're going to be ok darl like Starts said breath, and again nice and slow nice and calm feel your shoulders relaxing let that flow through

It'd be a comfort I'd think knowing that theres back up there. Really.. good on you so happy to hear this 😊

Love you're starting to stand up again. You're way stronger than you think. Take your time darl you're getting there

💙

🤗

🌱 new growth

[Ggrand]

Hello Sapphire,

Thank you for calling in for a visit at mine, that means so much to me.

Im sitting here with you tonight Sapphire, if you need to talk please do so...Your moving forward sweetheart, baby steps at a time...Just remember that we're all here for you 24/7..because we care..

Well done Sapphire, please let us know how your doing...up or down, we're here for you..we care for you..

Warm hugs, always 🤗🤗🤗...oh and a squirrel to hug tonight...🐿... and maybe some lavender 🌾..just pretend it lavender and not wheat...lol...

Grandy xx

[Sapphire_]

Heya Grandy

Thank you for the squirrel hugs and lavender disguised as wheat 😀 i really need them.

Im not doing so well tonight. Been a long day of nothing. Realised im probably not safe to drive atm. My attention span is slim. Nearly drove into the wall on the freeway. Not that i would care really if it ended me. Hmm...

Really second guessing/doubting myself. I shouldnt have reenrolled into uni. Im just gonna stuff up and waste my time. Its online for the first semester. I have to do 4 units of psychology so i can transfer to Speech Pathology. Whats the point when i can barely leave the house and dont like talking to people. Im really having bad anxiety that i made the wrong choice to go back. I just thought... maybe if i had that to look forward to i wouldnt need to carry out my plan.But now im worried ive made things worse and i have noone to talk to about it because my psychologist is away for 6 weeks and my stand in psychologist is away this week and i dont get to see the psychiatrist for 3 more weeks. I feel like everything is a mess and im about to have a mega meltdown. I have so many people expecting me to be better. To not feel the way i do. Its too much. I cant take it.Im such a failure. Ive failed everyone. My family all want me to be better. I cant keep up this charade anymore. I just cant. People keep saying how proud they are or how much they love me. And its killing me inside because i just cant handle it. Its too much. I cant have my mum hug me. I cant have my dad call me everyday. I cant have my sister watching my every move. I cant have my hubby checking on me every 5 mins and asking if i am taking my meds. I feel smothered. Suffocating. Trapped. There is only one escape.

Sorry. Thats really intense. Its just how im feeling. Im not good company. Not fit for human contact/conversation or what ever.

Im going to bed. Who knows maybe i will wake up my old happy normal self (if ever i was happy and normal) and this all one huge nightmare.

Sorry to disappoint you. I just had toet that out.

[Emmy.]

Sapphire I am so proud of you!! Re-enrolling into university - that’s fantastic. Wish I could give you a big hug. Take it slow with the process of getting into the studies and like Grandy said there will be support workers at the university that can help you ease back in. You’ve come along way hun. Things are looking up for you and I couldn’t be happier. Emmy xx

[Sapphire_]

Im sorry for yesterdays freak out.. i shouldnt post such things. Anyway ive decided i need to prepare myself for uni which starts in july. I know its online but i will still need to be able to go into uni to use the library and talk to people. So ive set myself a goal to achieve every day. Its a small goal for some but for me its huge. Since leaving my house is so difficult for me. My Goal is to leave the house each day. Drive to the beach and walk my dog. Or maybe even walk to the beach. Its not far. Once i feel comfortable enough im going to push it to small shops and then larger shops to get used to being around people. I dont know how i will go talking to people. Will come to that eventually i guess. I hate how my life has become limited to only going out for appointments and when hubby forces me to go shopping. I need to be proactive and change this. I dont want to be like this forever. Only i can change it. Now to find the strength to do it.

[Ggrand]

Hello Sapphire,

I'm sorry you had a bad day yesterday, I really am...Also i think I put pressure on you as well by saying how proud I am of you, I'm sorry I put pressure on you that's not my intention...

I have really bad days Sapphire, where I want to escape and I can relate to your feelings but Sapphire remember they are only thoughts and feelings, and I researched thoughts and feelings, do you know Sapphire that they are constantly changing, they are only passing through our thoughts, we cannot dwell on them..when you think of negative, ok that's fine, say it aloud then say the opposite aloud then let it flow away....

One day at a time, sweetheart, you'll do great in your courses.. I'm sorry Sapphire I'm unsure what speech pathology is..maybevif you can and want to, maybe you can explain to me a little..if you don't feel like it that's okay too..

Im sure Once you start your coarse and get into it, your confidence will start coming back..you'll do great.. well done..

Sapphire I think your goal is a good goal..To leave your house each day..I know how hard that is..I only leave my house on Tuesdays..I wish you well on your goal....

Im standing by your side Sapphire, I will always be with you when I can be.. giant hugs..🤗🤗..

Grandy..

[Sapphire_]

Hello Grandy.

No you havent put any pressure on me at all. Its all my family. I feel like the expect me to be recovered. Its hard pretending to them that im ok when im far from it. I dont want to disappoint them.

Speech Pathology is helping people with speech impediments learn how to communicate in various ways. So it can be any age range all levels of disability. To even helping people like me who find it hard to just talk to people due to mh reasons. It also covers swallowing problems for example elderly that cant swallow solid foods. Hope that makes sense. Probably not explained it properly.

I like your idea of saying the thoughts out loud and then saying the opposite. I think this will be very helpful for changing my mindset. Especially since i constantly having negative thoughts and destructive. I always think my mind is going to kill me one day. Im trying to change that. Work in progress. I guess i should expect bad days. I just wish i would be fixed now. Im a very impatient person. Especially with myself.

Grandy, not sure if you do already but maybe you could try short walks too just to get out a bit. We can do it together.

Thank you for being here for me. Take care. Good night xx

[demonblaster]

Sorry you had a really hard day recently Sapphire but wow so good to see you starting to make plans and on the improve.

Thats fantastic your plans to go out each day and eventually the bigger centres, good for you you're clearly digging deep and coming up with goods wow impressive hun.

Do you think it'd be easier all round if you tell your family exactly how it is, with luck you'd get some understanding and support especially how you're trying so hard to pull up but supports mammoth. I think even if it upsets them they still would be better knowing and it makes it harder and more pressure on you that you don't need. You're call 🙂

Are you managing to eat yet darl?

Thanks for popping into my thread always lovely seeing you and your posts honestly are very supportive and caring, I reply but sometimes forget to bold names so they are there 🤗

Ok lovey 💙 ohh there's two coloured cars around lately one's a darker shade of deep Blue ohhh and the other I looked it up I think Cerise, similar but deeper than the Red here for posting the reply, sooo beautiful

Cya hun 🤗☺

[Ggrand]

Hello Sapphire,

Firstly I want to thank you soo much for reminding me to breath on my thread...oh I so needed you today to remind me 🌹..

Speak pathology..Thank you for letting me know...I have a feeling that you will do really good in doing that...I think in my opinion that it is a really good career because you are going to help people and make a huge difference to there lives...Best jobs in life are the jobs that enhance other people's lives..🌹.

I will try absolutely anything Sapphire to get well, because I have never had my own life before, I'm finding it hard to know who I am and how to think for myself..I want a taste of being happy, content and me..I will do it one day Sapphire..

Bad days will come then go, good days will come and go..but Sapphire always try to remember that good days will over rule the bad days...Then my dear Sapphire ..we're winners 💙💙..

I can walk some days other days anxiety is to much..I can try Sapphire to get out, because I love the idea of walking 🚶 with you...Thank you, you really are very sweet you know..😁..

i hope you sleep deep tonight..

Warm 🤗 hugs .

Grandy..

[Sapphire_]

Hello Deebi, Grandy, Starts and all.

Thanks for visiting. Today has been an average day. Which is great. Had to go to my smoke shop and buy some smokes. So glad its a small shop. There were a few people in there today. But i just got my smokes and left real quick. Girl in there knows me and is nice. Was going ok until i had my sister message me asking me where i was and becausei was driving i couldn't reply so got a phone call from my mum 2 mins later asking if im ok and where i was. Im sorry but i didnt know i had to report to them every move i made. This really ticked me off. I made a decision to not let it ruin my day so i took lil miss doggy for walkies. She loved it. Made myself stay at the little park at the end of the road for 5 mins to calm down and walked back home. I spoke to my mum and sister telling them that i dont need to tell them every move i make. Im a grown married woman. Seriously. I dont need them smothering me.

Anyway day turned out ok.

Deebi. Eating problem isnt as bad as it was but still gives me grief. Oh i would love a blue car. My car is dolphin blue. Haha Thats seriously what the colour is called on the papers. 😂🦈

Speech Path has been a dream of mine for awhile now. I like helping people. Cant wait to start 😊

💙💙 have a good night all xx