Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[Sapphire_]

Im sorry i havent replied. 

I havent had the energy to come on here. I just dont have it in me to say anything.

[Sapphire_]

Yesterday i made it through my dads bday with a fake smile on my face and a pretence that im ok. I took him for a walk around the park with my little dog. We hardly spoke a few words. I got home and was so tired from pretending. I dont like doing it but it was his bday and i wanted it to be a nice one for him. Then I had my friends hens night. It was so hard. I hate being around people. There were so many women there. I hated the whole time. I only went for the predrinks which i had non of. My friend was very happy i went. She knows how hard it was for me. I stayed for 3 hrs. I was so numb on my way home i dont even remember the 2 hr drive.

Today has been so bad. I have been so wiped out from yesterday. Hubby got angry at me for being in bed for most of the day. My eyes are full of unshed tears it hurts. Im not sure why i cant seem to cry. I feel it but it just doesnt happen.

Ive almost finished the blanket. Thats one task. Then i have my friends wedding on friday. Then im done. Nothing more to do.

❤

[demonblaster]

Good to see you dear Sapphire and thank you so much for popping in to see me and saw you in Starts too, always so proud of you when you do but as the beautifuls here say ..no pressure just love you're pushing through and as you said from your psych don't do what depression tells you too. Gold

On that note wow you went and your friend would have been stoked that was really brave good on you. It all takes time and maybe the wedding will be a little easier and you'll know some faces now too. You've shown great strength and respect for your friend knowing how hard it would have been ☺

Rest up darl. Maybe if you can focus on how happy she is which would make you happy too I'd say being so close and together you're sharing such an important time which in itselfs a good memory.

Don't know if you like music, people are usually happy at weddings with nice food, are you able to do solids yet? dressing up and you've lost some weight and it's somewhere different for you. I'm hopeful thinking about the goods might squeeze some anxiety out 🌹

Know what you mean about not being able to word but you're here now and did well chooks

Ok I'm going back to bed still in recovery every bit helps.

Cya hun thanks for update 🤗❤ that your fave colour apart from Sapphire, there's a few different shades and other colour I think we spoke about that before, I was having a squiz the other day 😊

[startingnew]

hey lovely

im sorry to hear your struggling so much, does talking it out help you at all?

its hard to be happy for others and be around people esp those we dont know when we are so low. good on you for going though. hugs xoxo

i hope things ease for you soon.

[Sapphire_]

Thanks Deebee and Starts.

Im so sick atm. Im not sure whats wrong with me. And so super tired. Sleeping for more than 9 hrs and not quality sleep. Wake throughout with nightmares that i can never seem to remember.

Quitting smoking is so hard but ive lost interest in it. Smoke taste rubish to me now so not smoking as much. Just dont feel like it. Good to save the $$

Depression has got me so down. I wish it would end and leave me alone. I honestly am just so fed up. I just keep reminding myself to think of my friends wedding. I just need to make it to that.

Deebs my favorite colour is blue. Any blue. Cobalt and sapphire are the ultimate.

Starts talking is hard for me. I find it hard to trust people. I hardly even speak to my psych anymore. Easier on here since its anonymous but still affraid to talk openly.

Have a good day.

💖Sapphire

[Ggrand]

Hello Sapphire,

Im sorry your struggling so much with your depression.

I think that even if you slept for 12 hours if it's interrupted sleep then it's definitely not quality sleep, so you remain tired..

Its so hard isn't it trying to have positive thoughts when depression keeps rearing its unwanted head and torments us, but darl, all we can do is to keep trying as hard as we can to bring those positive thoughts forward and dwell on them. Then use our breathing or coping skills to keep the negatives away..

You are a very strong person Sapphire and have seen the other side of depression, try if you can to keep seeing yourself how you were then, not sure but hoping that by seeing yourself happy it will helps keep beasty away because you were so positive back then..

I so much just don't like talking to people, I just started talking to my psych, here to me is easier then real life. I have genuine friends here even though I won't never see any of them/ you, I trust the people here to try to help guide me in the right direction, as I hope I can help you to do the same..

Look after yourself Sapphire, I need to read back a few pages as I've not been really well enough to give any good support lately, but I think I'm heading upwards now..

Kind thoughts,

Grandy.

[Sapphire_]

Grandy, im glad to see your recovering and starting to feel better. I dont in anyway want you to feel like you have to be here for me. I realise we all have our own struggles. ❤

My sleep has been a problem for me for awhile now. I just wish for one night where i wake up refreshed and not have my first waking thought be about ending it coz i cant take it much longer.

I try not to think about it at all. Really. I hate it. Its become like an obsession. Ive sunk so low that i just think about it constantly. Right down to how when where. I dont want to think about it anymore. I want to be normal. I should be normal. Try harder. I need to try harder.

I have my friends wedding on friday. She means alot to me. We grew up together. So that is calling me forward. To survive for her. Then i will need a new reason. I think after friday im going to need help. Hopefully my mind will be in a better place by then. I will have to pull all my skills together.

I see my psych on thursday. A new one. My other one has gone on holiday for 6 weeks. I need to try tell her how im feeling. Im scared to though. How do you tell something like that on your firsy session? I must try.

[demonblaster]

Hey Sapphire 🌹

Hope today is productive for you and that you're able to talk comfortably with your new psych. You have a lot going on, I'm glad you're seeing her today.

Tomorrow your friend has her big day, It's so good you have her in your life again.

Maybe your new reason for now could be your friend you clearly care very much about her, you matter to her and us too hun.

I'm really sorry its come to obsessional thinking, please make this a priority to talk honestly to this psych about Sapphire, thats no life for you there's so much better than this and you've had tastes of it and that too could be a reason.

Sapphire it's in us to get to a better place, the hard parts finding and learning to use the tools, they're there.

Please try to counteract the negatives and find reasons to live. You deserve peace and happiness. It is achievable and yes it's hard work but so is being at the bottom.

You're doing so well doing things, you've nearly finished your rug that's a huge achievement you did your room the other day, went to the hens night and the wedding tomorrow, all these things took strength and determination and your doing them. You've got what it takes darl you need to believe

Enjoy tomorrow, leave your doubts behind

Please be safe

Care about you 🕊💙

[startingnew]

HI Sapphire

i hope todays appt went well and you like your new psychologist.

sitting with you xoxo

[Sapphire_]

Thanks Deebee and Starts.

New psychologist is seems to be nice.

We talked about my friends wedding tomorrow and how i will cope leaving the house for such a long period of time. Have some coping strategies to help me get through.

Also talked about my suicidal thoughts and that they have become more than just thoughts. Eg planning and obsessing. I think she is worries about the fact that ive been waiting for my feiends wedding. She wants me to find something else to focus on for the week after the wedding until my next appointment. If that makes any sense.

She is also worried that i have withdrawn from all my friends, lost interest in everything and isolating myself. I dont think its anything to worry about.

The other week when i cleaned my room i threw out alot of stuff and gave away heaps of my belongings and labled jewelry and prized sentimental things. Its all a process. I dunno.

Started smoking again only after 1 day of quitting. No will power whatsoever. Zzz 😶