Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[Sapphire_]

I feel like im letting everyone down. My mum got upset today because i didnt want to see her. I didnt want to see anyone. My friend will be upset with me too next week because im not going to her hens night. I cant afford it. I cant eat out anywhere due to foods making me sick. I cant be around people. I feel like if i go clubbing with them i will have a huge panic attack and just be a general downer. My sister that lives withme is starting to get upset with me to because i have no patients with her and just loose my temper easy. My dog is probably not happy with me either because i havent taken her for a walk in weeks. I just dont seem to be doing a good job at being a good friend/sister/daughter/wife.

Everyday I do something to upset or annoy and let someone down. I just cant be who they need me to be anymore. I cant pretend im ok anymore. Im trying to spend time with people but i cant fake happy. I want people to remember me as the happy, outgoing friendly person i used to be. Not what I've turned into.

Im a complete failure at life. Ive failed to pick myself back up again. Ive failed to make people happy. Ive failed.

Tomorrow i am going through all my stuff. Its going to be a long day. I just need to get it all sorted. It will make me feel better once that job is done. I will have the whole day to myself. Noone will be home so i can get my stuff sorted out.

Since tonight sleep is not going to be an option-too many nightmares. im thinking of starting to do some writing. Peoms maybe. I tried writing one the other day but it has two different ending. Two possibilities. Time will tell which one is the best option i guess. Maybe i could write a book for my family. A story. Actually that sounds good.

Deebee thanks for your post. Was lovely.

I hope you all have a good night with pleasant dreams.

❤❤☄☄

[demonblaster]

You're very welcome thanks Sapphire, just love that name it always makes me feel good saying or hearing it, think I told you on a work van that name and I thought of you 😊

Darlin its depression having its way telling you you're useless unworthy no good but remember beasty is a liar, our choice is whether we believe [ IT xx ] or the truth that you ARE a good person, you ARE worthy and girl you deserve happiness.

I'm learning there's several ways of pulling up strength

• What we think
• What we believe
• Meditation
• Distraction
• Challenging or questioning thoughts
• Not believing our negative thoughts
• Exercise
• Various therapies
• Finding our good points
• Liking ourselves
• Building self esteem
• Doing things
• Getting quality sleep
• The list goes on

I'm loving that you're doing and the poems, Sapphire you know which ending to work towards, we're not letting go of you and we don't want you too either...please

Great idea writing a book, take your time, slow and steady hun, if it hurts too much take a break ...breath.

Sapphire I am worried about you as we all do I care about you, you've gone through so much for so long, it's your time to shine now.

Hoping your friend will understand she sounds solid, how bout have a coffee with her instead and are you comfortable explaining why you can't go?

How's your baby blanket going, seriously good on you pushing through, that's strength too

Sapphire please work on changing your mindset, take it out of the equation darl it'll be easier to get back up trust me. I know I'd feel I'd failed you and I'd think your other good friends here would too. You know how it feels to be happy and it's in you to be back there again like how you were and you have us by your side.

You're a good chooky and if we can see that it must be truth else we wouldn't stand by you.

Come on darl you can get this

We care 💖🤗

Picture in your mind a beautiful Sapphire coloured flower...here it is..⚘..ok so wrong colour but ya get the gist aye ☺

[Ggrand]

Hello Sapphire,

I hope your doing a little better..

I came in to offer some support, but Deebi has said it all..What a fantastic and helpful post Deebi has written to You Sapphire..Wow..

I think I'll be copying this post and put it in my note book, for easy access, I'll definitely use the pulling up strength list..Thank you Deebi.

kind thoughts,

Grandy..

[Sapphire_]

Thank you Deebee and Grandy.

Ive just spent the last 15 minutes staring at the screen. Not knowing what to say. I still dont know what to say.

Please I dont want anyone to feel like they have failed me. Everyone hhere is going through their own problems too. If anything i am the one failing you guys.

The blanket has sat untouched for a few days now. I need to get it finished. The book isnt a book really just a pile of letters about my life. Memories i guess. Poems are just dark dribble and have no real endings. I dont know how to finish them.

All my stuff was sorted today. In between laying on my bed trying to cry. I feel like i really need to cry but i just cant do it. Have a huge pile to give away to goodwill. My room is a huge mess. Tomorrow i have to throw a heap of stuff out and get organised.

I have so much to do in such a short time. I hardly know what to do first. Lists. I need to make lists. I need to let my obsessive ways take over to get it done in order.

Half hour has gone by and i still dont really know what im writing on here.

Maybe i should just log off for the night. Doesnt look like sleep again tonight for me. Hubby is on night shift so i should be productive and finish sorting my room out. Ok now its been an hour trying to find words to say.

Hope you all sleep well. ❤❤

P.S thank you for the Sapphire flower Deebee i love it.

[demonblaster]

Yeah bood on me...nearly finished a reply earlier and lost it.

Glad you like your Sapphire flower I looked for a vase but nothin much in this shop so we may have to improvise 🍵..mmm best I could do

Hope you got your room sorted and feeling better about it ☺ big job good on you doing it

Was thinking what about with your poems you said are dark which is an outlet then maybe read them and do poems or writing about how you want to feel and how you could achieve, maybe look at it from an outside looking in angle as in not feeling the pain but turning it into constructive ways of building back up.

Honestly I've never felt you've let me down and I very much doubt if anyone here would either. While you keep working towards healing my friend you'll never let us down.

Know how it is taking an age for a post been there often, but ya know darl that takes strength not only is it legible you didn't give up and you did it Boom. Win to you 👍

Hope you get some decent sleep to huns thanks for being in touch ☺🤗

[startingnew]

📖✍👍💋❤

[Ggrand]

Hello Sapphire,

I haven't seen you around for a while,

Just calling in to see how your feeling..

I have been a little like you, I'm just not knowing what to say to any one anymore.. I'm unsure of me . I suppose it can happen from time to time..

I hope you are okay,

Kind thoughts,

Grandy

[Sapphire_]

Hello Grandy, Deebee, Starts and anyone else.

Im sorry i havent been on for a while. I just dont know what to write. I feel like everyone is better off without me here. So many morepeople need the help.

I ended up in hospital in the ED again. Was only there for 2 hours. I know what to say to them to get out. I didnt need to be there anyway.

My blanket is nearly finished Grandy. I will make it my avatar when its done so you can see it.

I wish i could say im doing better but that would be a lie and ive told enough of those this week to last me a life time. I never lie. Ever. I just had to do it to get out of being admitted.

I hopeyou are all doing better and i will head over to your threads and read up.

❤

[demonblaster]

Hey Sapphire first up 🤗

What a hard time of it your having still.

It's sad hearing you landed in ED again, hun do you really think not telling the truth in these circumstances is the better way to go but I guess where your heads at is making you feel that way.

Did you go back on the meds Sapphire I know you did say you were going to, well hoping I remember correctly.

Sapphire if there was one thing that could help you back up what within reason would it be ☺

Sorry hun have to choof

Glad very you're still here 🤗

[startingnew]

Hi Sapphire im sorry things are so rough for you. im glad that you went to the ED to get some help but your right we often learn what to say to get back out. we are our own worst enemies sometimes arent we. do you think it helped though leaving instead of staying for that support?

im glad your still here, you mean more to people than you might think. and yes many people need help however the forums are a big place and with many many members. we are here to support you too and we dont mind at all

have you been trying to use your new dbt skills at all? seeing your psych? your friend on occassion?

sending lots of hugs and a lamp to keep the light in the dark for you xox