Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[Ggrand]

Hello Sapphire,

Take your time in replies, Look after you first, I hope with all my heart that things will turn out the best for you.

We are all here if you need us..

Be good to yourself.

Grandy

[Sapphire_]

Thanks Startingnew and Grandy.

Just in a real empty place right now. Just so numb to everything. Cant be bothered with anything. Lost interest in everyone and everything. Just wanna curl up and disappear forever. Ive shut down. Its easier that way.

[Ggrand]

Hello Sapphire,

I'm so sorry Darin that your struggling with your thoughts and you want to give up..Please don't give up.

You will get through this, I know a lot of people tell you this but please try to believe me that you will get through this. Just take it daily, one day at a time, you will to see progress if you just keep fighting. If you don't keep fighting your only going to go down further and you owe it to yourself to get well and to enjoy your life. You have many people here who like/love and care for you because you are worth it.

You have so many people here cheering you on to get better and so many that want to help you get through this rough patch. You have fight in you, it's there somewhere, but it's hidden, please try to find your strength to fight your depression. You can't let your bad thoughts run your life, that not who you are, you are stronger that that. Try and do something for you, something that you like doing, Painting, puzzles, games, you need to distract yourself from your thoughts.

Curling up and letting the world pass you by is giving up, Sapphire, and your not a quitter,nfind your strength, your willpower your fire, do the opposite of what you feel like doing..Put some meditation on, play some music you like, Sapphire do these things for you..

Kind thoughts,

Grandy.

Happy Eadter Sapphire,mi hope you have a safe and peaceful Easter. xx

[Sapphire_]

Hi Grandy. Thank you for your post. I hope you had a lovely easter.

I am really in a bad place. I don't know how to get past it this time. Im too tired to try anymore.

Ive started to finish something i was making for my friends baby. I put it down 2 months ago because i lost interest. I just want to finish it for one reason or another.

My brain doesnt even work anymore. I cant think properly and i just find myself zoning out alot.

[Ggrand]

Hello Sapphire,

Dont try so hard to get past it, don't go with it but, try breathing big deep breathes counting as you go, do this every time your thoughts travel in the wrong direction..please try..

You said your making something for your friends baby and you want to finish for one reason or another, arevyou knitting something, sewing something or is it a crafty item.. I'm useless at craft.. okay how about finishing it for the reason to show me, I would love to see it.. when your finished you could take a picture and show me by making it your avatar for a while..whatvdonyou feel about that reason?

What type of movies do you like to watch and what kind of music do you like?

Your strong Sapphire, you can get past this, can you ring your friend and talk to her.

Please be safe Sapphire..if you need to please ring..1300224636.BB 24/7 phone number...

Sapphire, our beautiful Deebi told me and others before, that " our brain cannonly think one thought at a time". This means if you start to finish your friend baby item, or do something that you like doing...( just do it regardless if you want to or not). then your brain is thinking on what your doing and NOT on negative thoughts..Please sweetheart try this..it works I've done it..

Look after yourself always Sapphire and be kind to yourself, your important..

Careing thoughts.

Grandy.

[Sapphire_]

[Im sorry i wrote so much. Dont read it all.] Just writing out dribble...

Im trying to breath. Im trying to keep my head above water. I really am. I keep doing the breath in for 3 hold for 3 breath out for 3. I try so hard to not get swallowed up but my thoughts are just trying to destroy me. Just feels like its been going on forever.

Im crocheting a baby blanket. Its a depressing thing for me to do. I will never feel the joy of making a baby blanket for a baby of my own. Im just not meant to be a mum i guess. I will make it my avatar when i have finished. Might be a few weeks away. Im kinda slow at it now since ive no motivation for anything.

I cant call my friends they dont understand. And i dont want to put my sob story onto them. I dont want them to feel obligated to.. i dunno..

I dont feel like i can call any numbers. I dont want to end up in hospital again. I dont feel safe talking to anyone anymore. I guess thats probably why i havent been on here much either. I feel like everything i say can be used against me. That somehow someone will find out who i am and my whole lil world will come crashing down even faster. Who knows maybe im just paranoid but someone in my rl could have found out who i am on here and be spying on me. Now ive really got myself into a panic. Maybe i shouldnt post anymore. I dont want anyone to know whats truely happening inside me. Everyone (the few people i see) lately has been saying how well i look and that i must be getting better. I have become good at putting that mask on. I even have my therapist fooled. She thinks im doing well. Im not... im dying inside.

Everything i enjoyed i now cant stand the thought of. I hate watching movies. I hate listening to music. I hate walking. I love my bed. I cant even be bothered to do the simple things in life like showering for example. I just wanna stay in my room, lay on my bed and never leave.

Maybe i should log off before my thoughts get any darker and i spew it all out on here and make everyone depressed and ruin everyones night/day/life. Its what i do. Maybe i should leave here. I dont want to make anyone feel bad. Im no good.

I will be fine. I always just manage to keep going somehow in this stupid worthless life. Maybe its the meds that hold me in this abyss.

Sorry im a disappointment. I dont mean to be. Im just broken and i dont think i can be put back together again.

[startingnew]

aww Sapphire, your in a really dark place atm. its hard to see anything past the darkness. we are here for you and with you during this tough time. i know it can be really hard to reach out for help and support so well done for making this post as a starting point.

are you still seeing your psychologist? it might be worth speaking to them about how your feeling so they can help build you back up too.

im sure your blanket looks really loveley too, and would love to see it when your finished or even an update pic?

big hugs oxo

[demonblaster]

Dear Sapphire hey darl..giving you a warm long hug for as long and often as you need.

Sitting with you.. listening. You're not alone. We get it

Sapphire I've been listening. It's a hard place to be isn't it

I'm concerned about you finishing your bIanket, it's what you didn't say. Sapphire I know what it's like being that low..good you're unleashing hun, not easy is it, let it out we're here and care about you. I know its hard to do believe me I know but please give someone here a ring

With you⚘

[Sapphire_]

Thank you Starts and Deebee ❤

I had a psych appointment today. It didnt go so well. I was not willing to talk about anything. I just wanted to get out. I wont be seeing her for 6 weeks because she is going on holiday. I was really upset when she told me. I dont know why.

Im not sleeping anymore and my eyes feel like i have shed a river full of tears but havent actually shed any at all. I cant cry anymore.

Lately ive been really thinking about afterlife and how i can help others. So today i became an organ donor. If i can help at least one person get a second chance at life it means its all worth it. Its been really on my mind lately about all these people fighting for life so it just makes sense to me to do this.

I dont want anyone to be concerned about me. Im ok. What will be will be.

My eldest sister who wishes me dead has been posting some really nasty hurtful things on her fb. Found out through my mum. I havent spoken to my sister in a few years so am not sure what i have done recently to deserve her toxic hatred of me to be posted on fb. Its really upset me.

Tthanks for the warm hug Deebee. I really needed it.

[demonblaster]

Dear Sapphire 🤗

Please don't give up on yourself, we're not either.

Are you still in touch with your lovely friend? You were so happy when she rocked up unexpectantly and that's what life does it throws goods too, it won't always be like this darl.

You're not sleeping, thats a major with MH can doc give you even just a couple of sleepers to break the non cycle you'll feel a lot better when you finally get caught up hun.

Remember you can always contact here if you need to voice talk to someone

1300 224636

Feel for you Sapphire ⚘please darl you can rise above this you do have it in you even if you don't feel you do. You're way stronger that what beasty wants you to think.

How bout sit outside with your doggy for a while today concentrate on breathing, look at nature, hear it feel it.

Deep care friend 🤗