Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[Ggrand]

Hello Sapphire,

Do you mind if I sit for a while with you.

Sapphire there is no way that you could let anyone down. We all go through the ups and downs of depression and we probably all feel we let the others down, but we don't.

Oh that little bit in you that wants to live, nourish, feed it with good thoughts and memories , make that little bit grow. We all have good memories, the visit of your friend, remember the happy times, make that little bit overpower bbeasty..

I think once we get out of this hell hole once, we can do it again, Sapphire, I read with excitement for you a months ago how you got out..The excitement and happiness in your words made me and many more readers happy for you..You wrote about it when you were out on top..Can you go back and read that, just so you can remember the feelings you had back then.. Magic Sapphire..

Sapphire, I know it's hard to crawl out of the place your at now, I know you can do it, you've done it before,, this is a phase your going through, it will get better as you discovered before, you never know what's around the corner..

Kind thoughts,

Grandy

[Sapphire_]

Thankyou Ggrand❤

I just feel like a huge failure and let down. Every set back is just so difficult to recover from. My confidence is dead.

That little part of me that wants to live is dying. Im finding it harder and harder to keep it alight. I just cry all the time now. Ive been trying so hard. Every single day. Trying to use the stratagies and tools i have learnt. Its just so hard when you feel totally and utterly defeated. I forget what happieness feels like. I cant remember good memories. Or maybe i dont want to. I dont know.

I have reread my posts where i have come back from the darkness. They are encouraging but at the same time make me feel even worse. Is this what life is forever going to be like. Up and down like a crazy roller coaster? Hell and light?

I just find myself torn and broken. I hate myself so much. I hate all these feelings. I hate the pain. I hate being unable to live a life because of depression and anxiety. I hate that i cant contribute anything to anything. Im useless. Helpless. Hopeless. Good for nothing.

Being constanty sick and tired is exhausting. Im mentaly, physically and emotionally drained. I cry all the time. Im angry all the time. I have a very short fuse. I cant be around people. I just want to be left alone. I just want to disappear. Vanish from this pointless meaningless life.

Whats worse is others on here are doing it worse than i and i feel selfish. I shouldnt be on here. Ive been pulling away so others can get the help they need. I dont deserve it. I cant contribute anything to anyones threads. Waste of space.

Just how im feeling. Im sorry thats alot of dark rubbish to out on here.

[demonblaster]

Dear Sapphire you're NOT going to feel this way all the time hun,you're in a really hard place atm but you can and will rise above you have before and you've got it in you to again. Find your fire darl, use all this negative thats draining you to work for you, use the energy to get back up. I believe you can

You're not worthless and certainly not letting us down thats beasty having its way. Dont listen to "IT" (SW xx) listen to Sapphire who wants to feel good about herself and is deserving

Let the down thoughts pass through and question by talking (Dools) to it, why am I tninking this, is it true..really.. or depression

This will pass Sapphire. You've had a taste of happiness thats where your head wants to be, take the drivers seat hun remember those solid valuable words your psych said..."dont do what depression wants". I used that other day walking hills thanks to you xx

Sorry you're hurting so hard Sapphire

Hoping you have comfort in knowing you have people that care very much about you and as you can see we're not leaving your side..ever..

Please hold on. Don't let IT" win, you're better than that.

🤗🤗🤗💖

[Sapphire_]

My anxiety is so bad atm. I feel like im just in a huge state of panic. Just had a smoke after a week of not smoking. Im so disappointed in myself. Im loosing control of myself. Im scared. I honestly dont know what im doing. I just want it to be over. I cant take it anymore. Im so scared that Im going to do something stupid. I cant keep being like this. Ive tried everything. Ive tried so hard to beat these suicidal thoughts. Im trying so hard. Im scared that i just cant do it anymore.

[demonblaster]

Sapphire the depression and sleep deprivation is sapping your energy.

Take control of your thoughts darl, when a bad one comes let it go.. dont think about it... esp not how it makes you feel think about calming yourself loosening your body

To relax and to relieve the tension in your body breath in slowly and deeply and out the same way several times.

Feel your muscles relaxing conciously focus on them softening, keep refocusing on this start with your neck and shoulders hun work your way slowly and gently through your body. Breath. Imagine a soothing calming massage in each area, stress leaving your body

You're overwhelmed exhausted and hurting, you need rest and quality sleep.

You'll get through this Sapphire but you CANT give up.

We've got you

Hold on darlin 🤗

[Sapphire_]

Thanks Deebi

I tried the muscle relaxation. I just cant seem to focus on anything. Its all an effort. I try to imagine those dark thoughts floating away on the clouds but they keep coming back.

Yesterday i did something stupid. I shouldnt have done it because now i am at risk of sh or worse. I cant say what it is but its like a security blanket. A very dangerous security blanket. Ergg that doesnt even make sense.... i called the local MH team for help but didnt get help at all. It left me feeling worse and felt like they couldn'tgive a damn. Which added to my SI.

Tomorrow i am going to try and see if i can talk to another psych since mine is away on holiday. I dont think i can go without seeing someone. If noone can see me i might have to go to the ER. I really dont want to and not sure i can force myself to go.

I feel stuck on glue. I cant seem to get myself to move forward. I feel so close to giving in. Thoughts are so horrible. Dragging me down. Getting in too deep. Im ashamed of myself. Disgusted. Hate. I found a message today that i wrote myself. A dead line. "Do it now". I need to get help. I need to get help asap.

I shouldn't be writing this. I should say im ok. Smile and say im ok. Its what im best at. Pretending im ok. Hunkydory. Ehh. I guess i should shut up now.

Let you know how i get on with another psych tomorrow.

[Ggrand]

Hello Sapphire,

I read your post with sadness and tears started rolling down my face when you were beating yourself up..

Sapphire, if you can't get help please don't think twice about going to the ER, if you need to go just do it,,you need to look after yourself. .Okay so you done something stupid..please don't dwell on it, throw it out, forget about it think beautiful thoughts of the colour of your beautiful avatar's precious gem..A deep blue, like the deep blue of the ocean 🌊 where you can dump the dark thoughts going around your head..

Sweetheart, have you tried to do meditation first, then straight after put your earplugs in with some relaxing music running through your phone, but take it off charge..These two back to back, helps me most times to settle my thoughts, the trick is to listen deeply to one instrument that's playing and follow it throughout the song/music, no singer just music..please can you give that a try, I always say anything is worth a try..

Sapphire, please try very hard not to berate yourself like that, you have a beautiful soul, I've seen your posts to others, anyone who has such a gentle caring soul as you have can only be soft, gentle, kind, beautiful inside and out.. The letter with the deadline? Take it outside and throw it away, forget about it..Make another deadline one to get your nails done, or your hair done, or to buy you a box of your favourite chocolates.. be kind to yourself. Do you have the emergency numbers handy, a grounding box close by filled with your favourite things..

Dont be sorry for opening up to us, if you say your okay we can't offer you help or suggestions to try to help you..Please don't shut up,,do the opposite to beasty tells you to..please open up, we are here holding you up until your strong enough to do so for yourself, and you will get there..I have tremendous faith and belief in you..

Unlimited hugs until you feel better {{{{{🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗}}}}}

Kindness only.

Grandy👼..

[demonblaster]

Come ere 🤗 as long as you need, feel the energy, your not alone ok we're with you

Sapphire darlin.. how bout give someone here a ring ...1300 224636... anytime. You need to unload. Best to be open, they need to know like Grandy said.. to help

It feels like the end of the road doesn't it, time doesn't stop.. things change like in times before

You can get back up from here Sapphire helps if you believe you can I know you want to.

Yes thoughts bombard and come back, good putting them on clouds let the wind whoosh them away 🌤 then gently guide your thoughts to what can you do to get back up. You'd be desparate for good sleep I bet, get comfy when you can hun try this

• Relax your whole body... no hurry ..big long breath in nice and slowly ... breath it all out slowly too being aware of each area of your body relaxing ..softening.. tension leaving
• Clear your mind ..focus only on breathing and relaxing

Never forget the peace you found.. it's still there

Hold on hun ..please

Beautiful post Grandy

[startingnew]

hey Sapphire, its good to see your loveley support crew here for you. im still here and listening just not much on posting at the moment xoxo

[Sapphire_]

Just popping in to say im ok... thank you all for your lovely words. I will come on tomorrow and write a better response.

Dont have it in me to write much atm. I am very appreciative of your replies. I just cant atm. Ive had a very emotionally draining day.

Night all 😘