Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[Sapphire_]

Im not sure what to do at this stage. Im feeling a bit lost. I will probs make a decision on sunday. If i can escape my husband maybe even before.

For now the best i can do is stay in bed and pretend i dont exist.

[Sapphire_]

Thats it. Ive had enough. Im fed up of people trying to control me. Just want to scream. Im over it all. Grrrr

[demonblaster]

What's your head doing is it same thoughts constantly, they downs all the time
Do you get a break from pain sometimes even if a few seconds

[Sapphire_]

Heya Demonblaster.  Im so sorry i didnt reply to you.

Ive been in such a bad place. Ive been in and out of ED. I feel like i dont deserve help and that others need and deserve help more than i do.

[Sapphire_]

Im a horrible person. Im not fit to be anyones friend. Im so ashamed and disappointed in myself. I don't know how to stop my reckless behaviour before someone gets hurt... Before i hurt myself even more. Such an idiot and stupid.

[demonblaster]

You were doing so well Sapphire you can again & you were so low

Do you know what pulled you down again.

Hows pain from op? You able to eat yet?

Do you wanna talk about whats goin on

[Sapphire_]

I think being in pain and constantly sick has brought me right down. This is day 10 without eating because im too scared to. Ive not been sleeping too well. I wake up feeling like i havent slept at all.

Ive taken up smoking again. Finding it so hard not to start drinking again. I know I cant because the alcohol will affect me more now since the op.

I keep reliving nightmares of shit that happened to me in the past. I feel dirty all the time. Like im never going to be clean again.

Its been a whole year since i was made redundant from my job which i loved.

I feel like a huge burden to everyone around me. Especially my hubby since he has taken timeoff work to look after me.

I feel like a huge failure.

[demonblaster]

Good hubby taken time to look after you

No wonder you're so run down, great you're not giving into grog.

It'll be a bit easier to handle it all when you start getting sleep, it disjoints our thinking & rational head space

Nightmares would be knocking you around too

Can you have shakes the ones with vitamins we need your bod needs nourishment. What did doc say bout it

Remember depression wants us to feel useless like were not worthy we dont have to agree

[Sapphire_]

Demonblaster, Thankyou so much for not giving up on me. I feel like everyone else has. I can never do anything right. I feel like i dont even deserve help. There are so many more people that need it more than me. Hmm feel like ove said that before. I cant remember. I forget alot of things since being on meds.

Ive started taking these homeopathy sleep pills. Will see how they go tonight. Hopefully i wake up feeling refreshed if i get some good sleep.

I have got protein shake powder. I have to force myself to have because i dont have an appetite. Also haveto take multivitamin everyday.

Im exhausted from being around family all weekend. Its hard putting on the mask for so long. I feel so worn down.

[demonblaster]

Thats ok Sapphire I as you do want you to get back up again as you have & can do again

Lets hope you get some quality sleep it makes all the difference we see life in a better way, sleep deprivation makes our views clouded

Take care of yourself glad you've got shakes/vitamins too

Rest up hun ☺