Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[Sapphire_]

Thanks Startingnew.

I don't think i have bipolar or schizophrenia. My nan had bipolar. My Aunt had schizophrenia and she committed suicide, all her children (my cousins) committed suicide too. I dont think you can inherit BP or schizophrenia.

I've already started off my meds. Im day 3 without them now and i feel fine. I can do this. Im so sure about it. I feel less tired already. I was up cleaning last night. Finally able to get house work done without needing a break.

I want my sister (lives with us) to go away. Im sure she reports about me to hubby and my parents. She is around me alot- watching me, constantly talking. and i just want to be left alone. I dont want anyone near me. I dont need people spying on me. I have nowhere to hide.

Thanks for your continual support xx

[demonblaster]

Daghh lost post was coming & going on it

Sapphire ... hey :)... we're looking out for you.
The best thing you can do for yourself is see your psychiatrist about the thoughts, it sounds like paranoia & could escalate it'd be awful it's causing you big stress a diagnosis would help & counselling to guide you with coping skills
Don't want you stepping back. You've come so far loven your mind set, hold onto that hun
Good you're heads clear, not saying this is the case but saw someone go into mania that doesn't have BP, which happened through med change. Saying so you can understand why it's dangerous to go off without supervision.

That mind set often happens in mania & the energy too. BP can have paranoia but not as strong trait
as with S, not saying you have either, don't know, but there's a reason for the thoughts which you won't be able to deal with without knowing why

Be open with them hun, talk about why you don't want meds they'll listen & we need to listen to them too

Please do this for yourself Sapphire, we're staying

What do you think about sitting sister & hubby down & talking to them, them to you too, you need understanding, with that comes support from people that care & love you. Heard you saying you're keeping the med drop from hubby. Do you have a good relationship, don't answer if you don't want 🙂

Want you to be ok xx

[Sapphire_]

Thanks Demonblaster.

I had to google mania. I had no idea what it was. I dont think i will get that. I just have more energy from not being on the meds. In the new year i will make an appointment to see a doctor. I been researching my diagnosis some more and i dont think i have that either. Maybe i should get a second opinion. Im still standing by going off the meds. I feel like its the best decision ive ever made. Hubby is suspicious because he keeps asking if ive taken my meds. He thinks im getting depressed again and told me im behaving weird. He also called me a hermit which really bugged me. I think he just worries too much. I cant tell him. I asked him about going off meds once and he went off at me saying i need them. I cant talk to my sister, she wouldnt understand. I dont have anyone to talk to because i dont want to burden them, they all have their own problems.

[demonblaster]

Good on you darl that you'll see doc

What's your diagnosis if you're ok to say, I could look back but not here for much longer atm

I get you wanting off the meds but you might need some for the thoughts I don't know but wait & see aye

How you feeling, do you think hubby may be right that you're getting depressed again I know you have more energy & more aware which is great tho Hermit does happen a lot with depression.
He'd be worried about you hun, seeing someone you care about so low as before would have been painful, do you think that's why he went off when you spoke of going off meds

Is the sister there long?

[Sapphire_]

I was diagnosed with BPD. I dont think its correct. And i certainly dont think i need meds.

Today I seen the psych. Its the last time im seeing her. She told me off for going off the meds. So i didnt tell her about the feelings of being watched and followed and spied on. I dont need someone to tell me off. I still stand by going off the meds and still am so sure of it.

Hubby just found out ive been lying about taking meds. He must have checked or something. He said he knew i was lying because he thinks im gettong bad again. I dont see the big deal. But he recons i need them. I dont think I do. I told him im not taking them and there is nothing he can do about it.

I dont think i need meds and i dont think i have what they say i have.

[demonblaster]

Bipolar disorder or Borderline personality hun?

The thoughts are a worry Sapphire, they're causing you a lot of fear and stress, I doubt this will settle
I wouldn't like someone going crook either but they're saying this out of care for you not to be upsetting you.

I know you're intent on staying off meds but something to think about is if hubby noticed that your declining maybe it's something to consider.
If it's BP Bipolar maybe it is mania you're in do you think although you don't think you have what you've been diagnosed.

Darl for your sake you really do need to talk to someone about the awful feelings & thoughts, please

[Sapphire_]

Borderline personality disorder. I don't believe i have this.

I dont know what im doing anymore. I was so sure i should be off meds. But i keep getting in trouble. Maybe im not making the best decisions but its too late now. Im just gonna stay off them and see how i go. I don't have a psych anymore because the psych I seen todat was part of a programme that im nolonger in. I don't know what to do im so confused.

[demonblaster]

When you see the Doc they can get you on a MH care plan then you'll be able to see a Psych.

Good you're aware you may not be making the right decisions hun

You've come a long way from when we first met, don't want you sliding back which you won't cause good you're going to see Doc xx

[Sapphire_]

I feel like rubbish today. I feel like ive been drinking heavily which i havent done for a few years since i gave up drinking. (Alcoholic). Keep getting like these jolts through my body. Do you think that could be from coming off antipsychotics and antidepressants? Depression is pretty bad today too. Who knows. Maybe its just gonna get worse before it gets better. Maybe im just over thinking everything

[demonblaster]

Darlin we don't as you don't wanna see you go back to where you were. You've built strength back up in that time.

I don't know about the jolts but I do know it's not good to come off meds without supervision & Psych going crook on you out of care, they know what they're talking about.

There's a 24 hr medicine line I'll have to come back with a number you could ring and ask and I guess see if you can go back on full dose like you were or do you have to slowly get back on.
Grogs also a depressant darl. I do get where you're at but it's not a good idea.

Hun it's sounding like you're in self destruct mode, you need to stop it before you go back there. PLEASE take care of yourself, you're stronger than this.