Im new. Unsure how to start.

Sapphire_ · ‎11-08-2017

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

Sapphire_ · ‎27-12-2017

Whats wrong with me. Im embarassed to ask this. Been wanting to for awhile but thought you would all think im stupid. But now its really bothering me. I have to know if its real...

I always feel like someone is watching me or following me. But when i look noone is there. It really scary and freaks me out. I also feel like people can read my mind if i look at them. I feel like they will find my most darkest and inner thoughts if people look in my eyes. I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me. It makes me feel sick and hate leaving the house because of this. When im home i have to check every room, every cupboard to make sure noone is in my house. I feel scared all the time that someone is watching my every move.

startingnew · ‎27-12-2017

Hi dear friend

before going off your meds, id think about if you want to go back... the meds could be keeping you stable but its entirely up to you...
I agree thank god xmas is over! It has be hectic to say the least hey.

Please dont be embarrassed to ask, that is something a lot of people experience. I havent meantioned it to you as it was relevant at the time but I experience the same thing. Its called Paranoia. It is very scary to go through, I really suggest you talk to your gp, psychiatrist or psychologist or all of them at your next appointments and if you dont have them, make them and speak to them about it. I cant look at people in the eyes, I make sure my car is locked at all times including when im driving. There was a point in time where I got so freaked out people were tracking me I threw my phone on the floor and smashed it so it couldnt be tracked.- I really suggest not doing that! But in the moment I didnt think.
I use to think I had cameras in my house and voice recorders.
I was told that it come about more because of the stress I was under though I still get it. It has it moments of better and worse.
Are you under a lot of stress at the moment? have you experienced this before?

Sapphire_ · ‎27-12-2017

Heya Startingnew ❤

I have experienced this since about 13 years of age. Ive never told anyone because i thought it would be used against me. I even think everything i post on here will be used against me. I did consider not posting. I too drive with my car locked and always check the boot before getting into the car. I did not realise it was an actual thing. I thought it was just me. Stress is just a normal thing for me now. I dont remember what life is like without it.

I dont think the meds help. I think that the psychs put me on them control me. To be how they think i should be. I dont see a psychologist or psychiatrist or even my gp. Im afraid that they will send me away and lock me up. I cant tell them anything. I dont want to tell them about my life and i dont like how they can take away my choice to ...

Hubby told me yesterday he needs a break. I think that means from me. I have put him through so much. I truely think he is better off without me. He can marry someone more attractive, someone more willing to be touched, someone more emotionally stable and open, someone who can give him a family, someone who will make him happier. Not me. Not the girl who always thinks about dying and only causes pain and stress and makes life harder. He would be better off if i were gone. They all would be.

demonblaster · ‎27-12-2017

Yeah Sapphire no need to be embarrassed hun we're not here to give you a hard time

That'd be awful, yes best to see GP & the team darl.
They would be looking at meds too, are you planning to do it with GP supervision or Psychiatrist? Better that way Sapphire

How's the healing going from op

Stress finds outs rough sorry for you both going through that xx

Sapphire_ · ‎27-12-2017

Thanks Demonblaster ❤

Our posts must have got crossed.

Anyway, I've not been to/seen any psych or gp or anyone since october. So im going odf my meds on my own. I don't need them.

Heaing from the op has been so slow. Im constantly sick and so tired all the time. I dont know how much more i can take. Its so hard.

demonblaster · ‎27-12-2017

Some meds sudden withdrawal can be dangerous & cause physcial illness Sapphire.

Do you think you can wait till you see GP

Sorry it's slow recovery, tiredness understandable it's a big thing you've been through

Sapphire_ · ‎27-12-2017

Demonblaster, im just gonna do it on my own i think. Last time i asked if i could go off them and they advised against it. So i stuck with it. But now i judt want to be off them. So im on my own. I didnt know you could get withdrawal from meds. Im 2 days off. Will see how i go.

demonblaster · ‎28-12-2017

Ok Sapphire it's your choice but I strongly advise you not to do this alone without supervision. If they advised against it it's for reasons that we don't know, maybe you could ask them why not.

Are you wanting to be off them because you feel they're not helping which I know you said but is that the only reason

I'll continue to stand by you but really think this isn't the right thing for you, they may be happy to adjust them.

When do you get to see your psychiatrist next? Do they know you're having the feelings of being watched, that'd be awful they maybe able to help. Another reason with meds it could make that worse

Keep as you do in touch hun plz

startingnew · ‎28-12-2017

Hey Sapphire

thats a long time to have experienced it. I think tis worth meantioning to your gp, that could actually be a different mh condition like bipolar or scitzophenia. They can perform other mh tests for that. We arent going to use that against you, thank you for opening up.
Ive gone through 6 different meds to finally fin one that works- I have to decrease the dose through physical health issues but the med works ok- a lot better than the others ive had and with minimal side effects except weight gain- the reason ive got to go off them.
Im sorry your marriage is abit wobbly atm, I do hope it gets better again for the both of you. Mh changes people and not always in a good way and its horrible. We dont mean to affect others and its not your fault at all.
As DB said med withdrawals can be relaly dangerous, and id recommend consulting your gp. Going cold turkey can really casue havoc on us even though we dont feel it straight away.

Sapphire_ · ‎28-12-2017

Hey Demonblaster.

Im no lnger with a psychiatrist or psychologist. I haven't been to see either since october. So i cant ask them about meds. I know what they would say anyway. I feel like the meds are being used to control me. To make me be a certain way. Im on day 3 without them and i feel more clear in the head. I dont feel numb and sedated. I feel like i can think for myself.

The only people ive told about the feelings of being watched is you guys. Im too scared to tell anyone else because it will be used against me and i will be sent right back to hospital.

Thank you for standing by me even though you believe im doing the wrong thing. I just dont want to be controlled by anyone or anything. I want to be me. Whoever that is..