Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[Starwolf]

Many of us are familiar with phases of emotional numbness (I too experienced this disturbing state). It is the mind's self-protective strategy when it has had too much to cope with. You have had a lot to take in, so the mind feels overwhelmed and says "enough". It partly shuts down. This coping mechanism causes you not to take in some of the info.

It doesn't mean that you are going backwards. Some stages of the healing journey often feel like setbacks but are just normal parts of the recovery process. So please give yourself the pat on the back you so much deserve. You have taken a courageous plunge into the unknown. Feeling scared is normal. Unfortunately, this can cause temporary unrest and nightmares.

If you are allowed time out with your husband, I think SN' s suggestion that he bring your dog along is a wonderful idea. Perhaps you will have to wait till your mh team is satisfied that you have settled in.

With you in thought.

[Sapphire_]

Im tryingnso hard to listen to your advice. This emotional roller coaster is too much to handle. Last night was awful. All i could think about was SH and the suicidal thoughts were pretty bad. Luckily im in an environment where i have no access to anything i could harm myself or i may not be here right now. Im afraid of my thoughts being so bad at the moment. I just cant handle it any more. I feel trapped and want to scream. I feel like i just want it all to end. I cant take it anymore. I feel completely irrational. My thoughts keep jumping all over the place. I don't know how to control it. I feel deluded that this can get better and whats the point.

Youve all been so nice to me and my only friends. But I just cant take it. I feel like the first chance i get will be my last.

[startingnew]

hi Sapphire

im really glad you got to see your dog and go for a walk. it sounds quite nice and refreshing rather than being in the MH environment all the time

maybe during your day out tomorrow you could take her/him..? for another walk. maybe somewhere scenic and take in some of that beautiful scenery and fresh air

[Starwolf]

Our last posts must have passed each other in cyber space. CCs posts are not subject to moderation so when I wrote mine, yours had still not come through.

I am glad you could enjoy taking your dog out. Perhaps you would like to introduce her to us in the Pet thread (found in the Staying well section of the forums).

I hope today will not be difficult but a pleasant break from staying in a monitored environment.

[Sapphire_]

I dont know how to stop these thoughts. Im starting to freak out. I dont know what i want anymore. I nearly called the helpline but didnt think i needed to, the staff here are nice but i cant talk to them. I dont know how to. All i keep doing is thinking and its bringing me down. I just want to disappear!

[Sapphire_]

I dont know what im doing anymore. Ive SH a lot yesterday and today. I dont want to be in this place anymore. No matter what people say i am beyond caring about anything and im over it. I want out. I want out of this stupid pointless life. I just dont care anymore. Im so numb i feel nothing.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Sapphire, we're sorry to read that you are still feeling suicidal, and are very concerned to read that you are still self-harming.  We would urge you to be honest with the staff in the hospital so that they are able to help you.  They are there with you and are able to provide a level of support that we cannot do here - show them this thread if you are unable to say the words yourself, and keep us updated with how things are going.  

[Sapphire_]

Sophie, I am not in a hospital. Im in a residential facility for out patients with mental health issues. Im thinking of just leaving.

[startingnew]

hey Sapphire

how are you holding up?

[Sapphire_]

Hey Startingnew, had a bad night last night. I left the facility with the intent of committing suicide. Was found and taken to the hospital. Ran from the hospital and am now back at the facility. Was not in a good place all night and today but am fighting the urges atm, just wabt to get better.