Hi Sapphire, good to meet you.
The chosen title for your thread makes it obvious that you know you need help. And you are right. Struggling alone is as difficult as it is unnecessary. Well done for considering reaching out for the assistance and support you are entitled to.
If face to face conversation with a doctor is too scary, writing down your thoughts and concerns would be easier. You could take as much time as you need over it, edit as much as you wish. You could then hand those notes over. It would avoid bursting into tears or panicking, which would get in the way of what you want to say. Mental/emotional conditions are medical conditions. They require to be treated as such. Just like diabetes or heart trouble for example, they will not vanish or improve if required attention and treatment are not given. They have nothing to do with weakness or a flawed personality. They're something happening to you, not caused by you.
As an abuse victim myself, I ended up with PTSD, depression and anxiety + a few extra disorders. So I am well aware of the deep emotional scars left behind. The mind is a complex maze at the best of time, even more so the wounded one. That's why a guide is a valuable ally.
The good news is that -with the right help, support and commitment to recovery- the situation can be managed. Distress can and will ease. I wouldn't be connecting with you today if it wasn't true. Please keep in mind that agonizing over making a decision is more difficult than actually taking that step. Most of the scary scenarios we concoct in our heads never make it into reality.
Here for you.
You may need to go on a health plan, which entitles you to subsidized sessions with a therapist. Those will help you manage the root cause of your pain. Mind work is hard work but it is well worth the effort in the long run. You deserve to reclaim some measure of control, peace of mind and quality of Life.
