Im new. Unsure how to start.

[Sapphire_]

Hello. Im new. I dont really know where to start. My heart is pounding, Im so anxious to be on here. Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or anything. Even my husband. I just cant. I dont really know what i am supposes to do. I feel so alone and lost.

[Sapphire_]

Is it true that doctors make you go into hospital? I cant afford it. I litterally have no money. Im broke. I already put us in debt by being made redundant.

I am just stuck in a hole. I cant get out of it. Sometimes i dont want to. I just want to be swallowed up whole. I think about it almost every second of the day. I dont want to be here any more. Im not worth it. There is no point to my life. My whole life has been a waste of time. Im not worth it. Im a mean person. Im mean to my family. I cant have what i feel i was made for. The one thing i every wanted i cant have. My life is meaningless. I have no motivation to go on. I dont care about anything. So far the only thing keeping me alive is my dog. But thats starting to feel like its loosing its grip on me.

[Sapphire_]

One minute I feel like i can do this. Maybe it will get better but then in the next im sinking deeper. I remember when things have been good for me and everything seems to be good but then it all goes away. Everything gets taken away from me. Maybe its easier to not want anything from life so i no longer have to be disappointed or disappoint peoples expectations of me.

[startingnew]

Hi Sapphire


if you go to hospital most of the time unless your with private health insurance you will go to the public MH wards. They dont charge you and some of them are short stay. Enough for you to get your thoughts sorted, talk to the nurses and the psychs come around once a day to have a chat as well.
I would start with speaking to your gp and asking for some help. They can offer a range of services as well and reffer you to some places that medicare can cover to help you with therapy as well.
Its worth getting some help. I know its scary but where your at isnt good at all. Im in the same position as you, I understand how hard it is but think of your dog. Your dog needs you, take him for walks brush and wash him. Maybe get in tune with nature and try to see the beauty it offers.

[Sapphire_]

Thank you Startingnew. Yours and everyone else's advice and support these past 2 days has been appreciated. Ive been holding on by a thread and have been finding it hard to cope. I need to gain courage to go see the doctor. Im thinking of going tomorrow before I get any worse. Today has been pretty bad. I stayed in bed awake staring into nothing for most of it. I got up numb and have sat in my home office starring at a blank page with a pen in hand for 2 hrs or longer. Before i knew it my husband came home from work. I didnt realise it is already night. I guess im not too well. I dont know what im doing most of the time. Everything is in my head. I cant get it out. I keep getting a racing heart and cant breath like im suffocating and i just let it carry on to the point that i just cant take it. Im struggling with asking for help and say what i need to. Im not sure if i want it. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.

[startingnew]

I would reccomend you see your gp asap. Dont worry about gaining courage make an appointment and just let it flow. Easier said than done i know but its either this or the worse option.

Iknow nothing is making sense and everythings super jumbled right now but thats another sign to get some help

Sending lots of love and hugs and encouraging thoughts to you

oxoxo

[demonblaster]

Ahhh Sapphire ((( hugs )))

Hun you know you have to go to Doc aye, you can't keep on like this. Give yourself a chance to get better, this isn't what you want.

You've gotta look after yourself & that's the first step.
You can do this.

We'll still be here for you when you're ready

Please make that appointment

All best darl

Startingnew, compassion, caring, concern, helping, support, friendship, you've got untold goods happening:)

[Sapphire_]

I dont know how to start. What to say. What to ask. I fear that i will walk in, cry, find it too hard leave and never return. Ive never asked for help in my life, not when i was abused as a child, not when my ex raped me, not when i first decided i wanted to die, not when i was addicted to alcohol, not when i started hurting myself, not when my husband cheated on me, not when i lost my job, not when i was severely bullied, not when my sister told me she wished i was dead. I just dont know how to ask for help. I dont know how to put the shame aside and tell people whats bothering me. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. Ive tried to ask for help. I just cant.

[Sapphire_]

Im feel like a cornered wild animal. Im waiting in the emergency room and want to run. I feel sooo stupid. Im an idiot. There are people here wanting to live and im here waiting to die. Its selfish. I shouldn't have asked for help.

[demonblaster]

Good on you, proud of you taking the step and I know its hard for you but the right thing to do by yourself.

Nah nothing selfish about it at all, you're trying to survive in very hard circumstances.
If anyone could feel what you're going through they'd understand completely

All best hun, tell them everything or direct them here so they can see where you're at.

Very brave, first step for recovery

[Sapphire_]

Im thinking of just sneaking out to be honest. I don't think anyone will notice.