I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

[Ghost_76]

I'm new to this. Just needed to talk to someone... anyone... need to know I'm not crazy

[Doolhof]

Hi Ghost,

Just popping by to say hello and to wish you well with the homework you have been given. As Croix has said, we do have the Three things to be thankful thread here.

Some days it is hard to think of 3 things, maybe even the warmth of the sun on your skin might be something to be thankful for, especially so when you think of so many places around the world that are snap frozen at present!

Therapy can be daunting, it can also be so very beneficial even though at times it hurts like crazy. At long last I feel like I have reached a turning point that I did not think was possible. I'd like to encourage you to do all that you can, accept the going is tough and rest a while when you need to.

Distractions are good as are positive happenings. They help to even up the negatives.

All the best, cheers from Dools

[Ghost_76]

So... tomorrow I'll be stuck in a car with my mother for 4 hours! I'm struggling to keep it together when I'm in the same room as her!

I'm really stressed about this...

My head is not in the right place for... her favorite topic is my brother and his family...

[Ghost_76]

I've been thinking a lot lately... especially about the past. I have so many emotions running through me - so many memories just rushing through my head. It's not that I'm living in the past - it's more the past haunting me now... refusing to be filed away. I find it a bit confusing, because I've always been able to do just that. File it away - not think about it...

Maybe it's because it was my fault too... I should've spoken up... I don't know... I remember 1 time when I was about 10. 1 of his mates came over and his sister asked if I wanted to go to her house. My gran was visiting and I told her I would ask.My brother came and said he asked and it's all good. When I came home all hell broke loose.He never asked and I was in big trouble. I tried to explain what happened, but my mum wouldn't listing - I received the biggest flogging from her that day... Sitting in my room crying, my brother came in - he looked at me smiling and said "I told you - no one will ever believe anything you say". He made his point...

I should've spoken up. Should've tried again. Instead I allowed the abuse to continue. I should've done a better job in the past. Maybe I have no right to be angry at my mother now. This is on me.

It doesn't matter how I look at it - the only thing that stands out is me. I'm the issue... my demons, my depression. I'm making everybody's life around me hard. Hubby has is own problems - he does not need me causing more stress and worries. Kids are teenagers - they don't need a mother that's cranky and emotional...

I keep on asking myself why this darkness is back... maybe it's because I am the problem. I should've put a stop to the abuse right from the start.

I'm not sure anymore... so many things running through my head. Maybe it's time to face the fact that this is on me... my problem to sort out - nobody else's.

[Birdy77]

Dear Ghost,

First off, I'm sorry today is going to be very difficult and draining, being in a confined space with uour mother and listening to her talk about your brother. I hope you can somehow visualise yourself in a deflective bubble and allow her words to bounce off the surface and not get to you.

Second of all, there is no way what happened was your fault. That is the cunning of your abuser, he cleverly played you against your mother and family ... he made sure he was in control. You were a tiny girl. That story you told about him lying about your gran saying it was fine for you to go out - he saw an opportunity to have even more power over you. That is conniving.

You say you could have tried harder to speak up, but you were in this terrible, fearful place of powerlessness Ghost. You did your best to stop it at the time with the little you had inside you.

That poor little girl, did her best and then had to do what she could to survive.

You had to go into survival mode Ghost.

It was not ever ever ever ever your fault.

I will post this now and hope you get to read it before your cartrip. I will write more to you later.

Sending caring gentle thoughts to you and that defenceless, wounded little girl inside you xoxo

🌻birdy

[Ghost_76]

Thank you for the kind words, Birdy . You're truly a beautiful soul.

Today was exhausting to say the least. So many emotions...

I just don't know... my mind keeps going to the idea that everyone would be better off without me.

I'm trying hard to float and function normally, but I just don't know what to do. It's getting harder and harder to pretend that everything is fine.

[Doolhof]

Dear Ghost,

My heart goes out to you and to the child inside of you who was so ruthlessly abused. I agree with all Birdy has written. You are not to blame in any way at all for the brutality forced upon you by a very sick and controlling person.

A while ago someone else wrote on here that "as a child we do not have the words to fully express what has happened to us, that can transfer to us being adults trying to deal with those issues." We do not have the answers as our minds can not fully comprehend all that happened when we were so vulnerable.

Dear Ghost, you are worth the effort it is going to take to get past this horrible time you are dealing with.

Your mind is telling you depressed stories right now. I well understand the thoughts that tell you that leaving will be the best thing for yourself and everyone. That is not true. It is your depression, confusion, pain and hurt talking.

Dear Ghost, is there something you can do right now to make you feel better about yourself. Give yourself a hug and tell yourself it is from everyone here who cares about you.

You tired as hard as you could back then Ghost. You managed to survive. One step at a time Ghost.

Sending you virtual hugs if you would like them. From Dools

[Birdy77]

Hey Ghost,

Dools is so right, it's the depression, confusion, hurt and pain telling you nasty stories about others being better off without you. It's pure rubbish.

Can you do what Dools said? Do something right now that will make you feel better? Go do something just for you? I know you're busy and have the family around and things to do ... but you are just as important.

And you have all of us here supporting you and sending you care and strength.

I am hoping that the long car trip yesterday was to take your mother home and leave her there??

This is a bit off topic, but you know your homework for the therapist? This thread here is basically your diary ... You've done your homework already. Just a thought. When do you see therapist again?

I hope you are taking care of that innocent little girl inside you and telling her it's ok, you'll look after her.

Thinking of you

🌻birdy

[Croix]

Dear Ghost~

I'd like to say we have some similarities. I've PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression -but not for the same reasons. I mention this because I can see thought patterns I've had, which have been wrong.

First you've said it is your problem to sort out. Well that is not right. I really believe it is a team effort, and one of the hard parts is getting the right team together.

You have told that you have been loaded up with meds when asking for medical support, and that was counterproductive. OK meds is indeed part of it, as is counseling and therapy, and now it sounds like you are getting help in that area. If after a long trial you find it is not helping then say so and get it altered. (Yes I know it is not simple, I've been there)

Another part is personal support, and if your partner is no help - though even with his own problems he should try - then you really need someone else. Maybe a friend.

One thing a friend might help you with is a free smartphone app here called Beyondnow. You plus someone who knows you and cares fill it in with all sorts of things. I made a hash of it trying by myself, not able to think properly what I would respond to. Anyway when filled in it is something easy to reach for when overwhelmed or frighted of killing oneself. It's on this site:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

As well as all this are the phone lines you have been given -they are there to be used. I particularly recommend The Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467. I never believed a phone call could change things, it can.

OK, that's all about soldiering on alone. The other thing was thinking it was your fault and that everyone would be better off without you - I too have thought exactly that, as I'm sure have many here. It's rubbish of course, as I found out later.

Our illnesses are insidious, they insinuate such thoughts long-term into our minds, and do it in such a way that we think they are our thoughts, obvious and correct. This is really dangerous as they steer us towards despair and hopelessness. It is easy when exhausted - which is another symptom of the illness - to want to just give up

One advantage I had was I was able to leave out of my life the major things that were causing my illness. While it is not as straightforward for you can I suggest you really try to minimize contact with your mother and especially your brother? They seem, from what you have said, to be walking reminders and triggers.

Croix

[Doolhof]

Dear Ghost,

Just sending you a message to say you are being thought of, cared for and I am hoping that today you will see a glimmer of light in the darkness.

Sending you cyber hugs and encouragement. Cheers from Dools

[Ghost_76]

Thanks Birdy, Dools and Croix. Your words really means a lot to me. Thanks for the hugs too.

I've gone into the mode of telling people around me what they want to hear. I don't think people really want to hear how you really feel...

It feels like I should be able to tell you that I'm fine. The only problem is that I'm not and I feel bad about it. I'm tired of feeling like this. I want to see light - instead I see only darkness and I feel guilty, because I of that.

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say this, but I'm going to just come out and say it... I started self harming again... I'm trying hard to keep myself together. I'm trying to keep myself together at work. I'm slowly falling apart... losing myself. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't get my head above the water.

Seeing the therapist again tomorrow and I'm too scared to tell her all of this... maybe I'll try the number, Croix... I just don't know when. I don't want the people around me to know how low I really am. Don't want to be a burden. People have their own lives to live.

Today I'm thankful for you