I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

[Ghost_76]

I'm new to this. Just needed to talk to someone... anyone... need to know I'm not crazy

[Ghost_76]

Music... that's what I do when I'm in my dark place... I listen to music. At work I put my headphones on to shut the world out. At home it's a bit harder... I have to be there for my family. Apparently I'm not wearing my "happy " mask as well as I should be. My kids told my partner that I'm never happy anymore.

I'm trying hard to be normal. I'm cranky at the best of times and I'm exhausted... so, so exhausted.

It's so hard to keep on swimming in this dark ocean. It feels like I'm getting pounded by waves and dragged down by my demons. I'll try to float for a while, but I'm so tired...

I'm sorry for going on and on - chasing my own tail. I know that all of have been here. How are you all going?

[Birdy77]

Hi Ghost,

Please don't apologise, this is your thread for you to vent and go on and on and on as much as you like.

It sounds like you are very, very tired. A tired mind needs some self-care. You have a lot of responsibility with your family and work and having to put on your happy mask, and this is all exhausting.

On top of that, you are beating yourself up for feeling like this.

I would love for you to have some compassion for yourself. If someone you loved very much was going through what you're going through, what would you say to them? Or want for them? Probably you'd be very gentle and want a lot of care and support. How about giving yourself some of the same?

Put another way ...

If you had a sprained ankle, you would rest it, you would give it the treatment and gentleness it needed. You might massage some balm into it and then strap it up and give it some support before you had to walk around on it again. How about giving your mind some similar care?

Joining here, and starting this thread is a fantastic start to giving yourself some of that care Ghost. You can be your absolute self here, no mask required 😊 ...

Rant, vent, chase your tail, it's all ok.

We're glad you're here.

Go gently with yourself 🌻 birdy

[White_Rose]

Dear Ghost

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. As earlier posts have described we a group, a very large group, of people who have various mental illnesses and who get ideas and support from each other.

My problem is depression, major depression which takes me down in a spiral at short notice. My psychiatrist at the time gave me a series of antidepressants which resulted in horrendous side effects. Now, many years later with a different medical team, I have an AD which helps me and leaves me free to work on my depression.It is a horrible illness and often the worst part is so many people do not understand it, believe it's imaginary, attention seeking, or that we can cure ourselves if we tried. I wish.

While you are using up your energy to keep the mask in place you are doing yourself a great disservice. If you need a mask you need a doctor. Yes I am pretty blunt but I suspect most people like to understand what is happening to them.

You said, Like I'm moving in slow motion. All my old demons dragging me down to that really dark place. Not sure why I can't just shake them... This is unfortunately a common problem. Why does it take so long to get well and stay well. That wretched black dog keeps coming back, jumping all over us, running round in circles when out for a walk and twists the lead around our legs. It needs to be taught to walk to heel.

And it does feel like slow motion. I notice I walk more slowly and carry out my various tasks in slow motion. No one else notices because we are not actually moving as slowly as we think. I believe my brain has slowed down and taking ages to do anything. Again it's a perception of ours and while the brain has slowed down a little it really is not as much as it feels. It's the black dog again.

How to manage these habits? You need to be aware of yourself as much as possible. Notice when you walk slowly or anything else slowly and consciously make the effort to speed up a little. Practice standing upright without slumping and when seated. These are small actions but have an enormous positive effect on us.Your physical appearance has an effect on your mental health. Walking or any other exercise releases endorphins into your body and makes you feel better. Why are some people exercise addicts? Because of the buzz they get. I am not advocating several hours a day in the gym but a morning walk every day of about 20 minutes is amazing.

I see I am about to run out of word space. Hope you will reply.

Mary

[Feeling_Lonely]

Hi Ghost76,

Thank you for reaching out. I have to say, I can resonate so much with what you have said, about having that internal battle to “be normal” when everything inside feels far from normal, to constantly feel like you are putting on the “happy mask” and pretending that everything is okay.

I am only new to this forum and new to the world of mental illness as for far too long I would reach for the mask instead of acknowledging and accepting that I want and need to stop the internal battle, to understand why I’m feeling this way (instead of fighting it) and to simply let myself be and to stop thinking I’m a failure because my mental health is suffering.

Of course (like you) I want to return to my normal, happy self as I feel like I’m destroying relationships being this way. But instead of pretending this time I am actually attempting to work through everything that I am feeling.

There has already been some wonderful suggestions here (thanks Birdy, they’ve helped me!) For me I have started counselling, I journal, I meditate, I try to exercise daily, practice positive self talk, positive affirmations and gratitude. Every day I have to set myself 3 little goals to achieve for the day (written down) to help me to focus, to give me purpose. It could be as small as getting out of bed, or going for a 30 minute walk, or making myself something healthy for dinner, or reaching out to someone.

Some days it works and some days it doesn’t... The important thing is to keep trying and not give up on yourself.

Please be kind with yourself, feeling like this downright sucks! Instead of fighting the negative feelings, simply acknowledge them. “I’m feeling down today and that’s okay.” And try to find the light in each day. You are not alone. The road ahead may be tough, but I believe in you, you can get through this.

[Birdy77]

Beautifully said Feeling Lonely - such empathy and understanding in your post.

And so wise: "I'm feeling down today and that's ok".

xo🌻 birdy

[Ghost_76]

Once again I'm gobsmacked by your replies and empathy... Thank you so much.

You're advice makes sense - I have given some of it to friends struggling in the past... somehow it's just not making sense to me at the moment, if that makes sense...

It's taking me forever to write this today... I can't get my thoughts out...

I know how I feel, but I can't say it out loud. I know I'm supposed to be kind to myself, but I can't. I know I should probably tell someone where my mind is at... but I can't.......

I've shared more here than I probably should... and I'm doing it in secret... can't let anyone know that I'm sinking...

I'll stop now... had a few beers... don't have a filter when I do that...

[Feeling_Lonely]

You can never share too much here, that’s the beauty of it. Vent and get out what you need to, it has to help a little bit to have an outlet and the fact that it’s anonymous makes it even easier to open up.

I know how I feel, but I can't say it out loud. I know I'm supposed to be kind to myself, but I can't. I know I should probably tell someone where my mind is at... but I can't.......

Reading this part of your post made me feel sad... instead of saying “I can’t” perhaps try and say “I’m working on it.” 🙂 For me, I struggle with loving myself and said for a long time that I don’t and I can’t... instead I now say that “I’m learning to love myself.” I’m a work in progress. We all are.

Its okay to not be okay, reaching out here is a step in the right direction. You will be heard, without judgement and accepted for just being you. Do try to be kind to yourself though, negative self talk is damaging. Take care Ghost 76.

[White_Rose]

Hello Ghost

Writing here, whether or not it's in secret from the people you know, is anonymous. We do not know you, we cannot harm you because of that, but most of all we are here to help and support you. We can talk about our own experiences and often these experiences are helpful to others if only to say we know how it feels.

Fear is a huge impediment to our progress. It is scary to let others know we are not the perfect person, and I don't say that sarcasticly. We have an image of ourselves that is more in hope than reality. This is true of everyone regardless of having a mental illness or not. No one likes to feel needy which is why we hide. Can you share a little more of your feelings?

If you prefer to only give minimum information to us that's OK. Have you thought of journaling your thoughts? Use a small notebook and record what is happening and how you feel. It is a good mechanism to get your thoughts out into the open without others knowing about them.

May I ask if you are getting any kind of counselling? I ask because you are having such a hard time talking about yourself I wondered if this was happening. Perhaps you can tell us more about yourself.

Rosslyn

[Birdy77]

Ghost ... it's absolutely fine.

You haven't shared too much here, and as Feeling Lonely said, you can't share too much here, it's all anonymous and there's no judgement, you're fine.

Relax. This is your space xo 🌻birdy

[Ghost_76]

I'm feeling trapped. Not sure wich way to go....

I spoke to a friend, but not a therapist. I can't share everything. Somethings I need to keep to myself...

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD and major depression - I saw professionals - medicated me to a point where I can't remember parts of that time... Really don't want to do that again! I also have huge trust issues... Dealt with some dodgy people in the past...

I feel like I can't do this anymore.