I NEED SOME ADVICE/HELP

[Nellym]

ok, so I don't even know the best place to put this but here goes.

So I was talking to an online chat the other night about some of my issues and getting some advice. They asked if I had self harmed and I had said yes. I told them I was not suicidal and only used self-harm as a coping strategy when my other strategies don't work. Was asked if anyone was with me, I said my husband but he doesn't know about everything (he knows a little bit) and I am not ready to tell him. Said I was seeing a psychologist and that they know everything going on. They kept saying I need to tell someone and go somewhere for help. I kept telling them I was ok and didn't need medical assistance. They asked if they could ring me and I said not right now, I am happy to ring later on tonight when I am alone. So chat ended there.

20 mins later I have police knocking on my door saying they had a report of someone harming themselves and wanting to commit suicide. Well all hell broke lose. I spoke to them, they realised I was ok and did not need to go to hospital.

So now is the part I need help with. My psych is on 2 weeks leave so cannot get into contact. I have had to tell my husband more than I am comfortable with at this stage. I had already planned to sit down with him and my psych. together and let him know more.

Now everything is worse than ever. My anxiety is through the roof, has just increased my SH, panic attacks have doubled, my husband has gone all weird on me and now I never want to reach out and get help again in case something like this happens again. I feel so alone and don't know what to do anymore. The last 2 days have been hell and I feel like the little control I had has now gone.

[Nellym]

I'm sorry if I concerned anyone.

I am not ok but I am safe for now and still here. Having to deal with the consequences of my actions from the last few days.

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi Nellym,

I am really glad to hear you are safe. I just wanted to let you know that we are here and listening. You are not alone.

Having a period of really high emotion and distress can be so exhausting. Be kind to yourself. I hope you are able to find some rest and healing moments tonight.

Nurse Jenn

[White_Rose]

Dear Nelly

I am so happy you are safe. This forum is a good place to write about your feelings and ask questions. So many of us have been in that place and we do understand how much you hurt no matter how different the circumstances.

Never a need to apologise, we only want your safety. When you feel ready we are here to listen to you. Thank you for your reply.

Mary

[demonblaster]

Hi Nellym and everyone 😊

Not under these circumstances at all hun but it's good to see you ☺

I know you've done it hard for a long time Nell which makes it so incredibly hard isnt it to be able to see any positives or remember happier times.
Even just one memory or something one day you'd like to do hun it gives you a little spark of hope for more goods or incentive to achieve.

Something encouraging which I hope can give you some light darl is the last time we spoke here your life was starting to turn for the better.

I know you're very low atm and for that I really am sorry it's so hard for sure but it can improve again.

I'm glad you have some supports and hopefully hubby is understanding more. Wondered if it might be easier to write to him, that way theres no interruptions when convo goes off track maybe anger and emotions rule.
It could work as a good release for you airing it out.
You can here too but I know you tend not too.
That's ok ☺ your choice hun we're still here and you have some excellent support. I'm so glad. Amazing people here as you know.

Nell the yrs and pain you've endured would be a waste of time and effort if you give up hun.
You're still here for a reason.
You're strength is what's kept you here. It's what will keep you here too. It gets buried in pain but when we look for it it is still there lovey

Please look after yourself Nell and believe in yourself.
We have tremendous power at our disposal

🌱 new beginnings

[Nellym]

I have lost another support person. They cut the DBT program I am doing. Money is more important to them then our mental health. Its telling me what I already know. That I am not important or worthy enough of their help.

Why even bother any more. Just as I was getting used to this support and telling them about my past trauma it is snatched away again. What am I meant to do now? Find someone else and start all over again. I can't do that, it is too painful.

I have lost control. I want it to all stop. The pain is overwhelming. I have nothing left to give.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Nellym,

We are sorry to hear about your current situation and recognise how frustrating it must be to lose another support person. Please know that your wellbeing is important to us and we would like to support you in finding supports that assist you in moving forward. We acknowledge how much strength it takes to share your journey and experiences of trauma with others and can’t imagine how hurt and disappointed you must be feeling. It would be great to have you check back in to let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. If you would like more immediate support, please feel free to give our Support Service a ring on 1300 22 4636. Our community is here to help you through this.
 

[demonblaster]

Dear Nellym hey ☺

I'm sorry hearing you lost a support hun. It can take so long getting onto good help and it's for sure hard

When I met you maybe 3 ish yrs ago I dont think you had this support then. At that time I know it felt that absolutely nothing can or would change.
It did though Nells and for the better which can happen again.

It's a frightening miserable place feeling that its all pointless, such a drag and incredibly hard work.
It is but we can't let that dictate our lives hun

I really have always felt bad for you struggling constantly and so much pain.

It's taken a long time too for me to get good help.
I was taught here and also bought up to appreciate & be grateful for what I have in life that depression completely smothers.
It's helped me no end which might you too lovey. Our depressed minds sway us to only see the hards.

• This support you had was really good.

• You unloaded some of your pain

• You started to lift a bit

That gave you some hope and light.
Both are still there and worth fighting for Nells.

This is easy enough for me to say but the answers Yes Nell... that's exactly what you do have to do love, keep going. Find some one else and release that pain. It would hurt so much you poor darlin 💗 and it also hurts and constantly eats at you and pulls you down all the time being locked in.

I know so well that feeling there's nothing left in the tank.
Doesn't feel like there is and it may not be much but it's there.

It's all about energy.

When we've had enough rest and sleep we're at our strongest.
Vice versa with not enough.

Our mind & bodies try to lift us.

Our energy focuses on our pain sapping us more because we're roar and weakened by tiredness.

Nell you've survived this long because you have the strength.

You survived when you didn't have the support.
You would have gained from that even if subconciously.

Please don't give up on yourself as we won't either. You've been through way too much to not have the chance at a better life.

If talkings too hard on the phone this is a text service.
Between 6pm and 10pm run by Suicide service. (Legit I checked it out).

Talk to you again Nelly 💗

[White_Rose]

Dear Nell

I am so sorry to learn how tough your life is getting again. It is hard to have support removed when you were getting on so well. I cannot understand why funding gets cut in this fashion. Be assured you are not worthless, you are in fact very worthwhile. You are important in the world because there is only one you. You are unique.

Keep talking to us and use the SCBS as often as you need. They are such great people to talk to and can offer you help. Remember every time you have thought you cannot go on you have found the way and strength to manage. I know it's hard. I was there so often myself but there is a way out, truly there is. Every time you manage gives you more strength to make another step forward and the memory that you have done it before and got through.

I know words can feel they are not enough but think of everyone here as holding your hand.

Mary

[Nellym]

I just need to vent.

had my psychologist appointment today and my husband decided he wanted to come into the session. Despite me saying I didn't want him in there, he decided he was coming anyway. He doesn't like my psychologist and thinks he is not helping me. he pretty much said this to my psych. If he had his way then I would be seeing a different psych. I am so upset and mad. I really needed today to talk to my psych but hubby took up most of the session.

I am so close to breaking point that I can not cope any longer. Everything seems to be going wrong lately and hubby wants to control everything. He wants me to talk to him more and guilts me into talking to him. Its not as if I do it on purpose to him. I feel guilty enough about what I am putting him and the kids through without him adding to my guilt.

I want out of this life. I want to leave and never return. Its like I have emotional overload and cannot get a rest from anything. The only time my brain gets a rest is when I sleep. And even then, I am plagued by nightmares.

Sorry for the rant.

[demonblaster]

Dear Nell hi ☺ and everyone 🖐

Dah what a shame he insisted on going when you needed to talk to the psych one on one.

Poor thing feeling as you do, it's very hard trying to hold up when there's such weight pulling you down.

Btw lovey please never feel bad about " having a rant" in your words ☺ that's exactly what your thread and here's for.

I imagine this has been spoken about before but have you tried writing your feelings out Nell, doesnt have to be here but it can give a sense of release which you certainly need by the sounds.

Something else I imagine could be very difficult but certainly worth the effort and a good feeling after is to try even if just a short walk in the sunshine out of the house, sun has a great deal of healing and is proven to help along with exercise with depression.

Feel for you having nightmares. When you wake try to take some deep breaths and tell yourself you're here in the now and safe.

My thoughts if you're happy with this psych best to stick with him. Might give your psych some good insight to your home life listening to hubby. Does hubby listen to you? Up to you if you want to reply to that.

Nells if you can at times to give your mind some freshness and temporary reprieve from pain if there's something in your life you've enjoyed like being at the beach, looking at the stars being in the water if you cast your mind to somewhere and focus on the light warmth of sun feeling on your skin and ignore for that time any negatives. We need a break from darkness all the time.

Nells you've survived this long hun under extreme circumstances. It doesnt feel as though you can I know but please keep going and try very hard to get ending out of your mind because the more you consider that a depressed mind will be more likely to give up.

Believe in yourself that you really do have in you what it takes to keep moving forward towards a better life. You're needed Nell and you deserve peace.

Vent anytime ⚘