I NEED SOME ADVICE/HELP

[Nellym]

ok, so I don't even know the best place to put this but here goes.

So I was talking to an online chat the other night about some of my issues and getting some advice. They asked if I had self harmed and I had said yes. I told them I was not suicidal and only used self-harm as a coping strategy when my other strategies don't work. Was asked if anyone was with me, I said my husband but he doesn't know about everything (he knows a little bit) and I am not ready to tell him. Said I was seeing a psychologist and that they know everything going on. They kept saying I need to tell someone and go somewhere for help. I kept telling them I was ok and didn't need medical assistance. They asked if they could ring me and I said not right now, I am happy to ring later on tonight when I am alone. So chat ended there.

20 mins later I have police knocking on my door saying they had a report of someone harming themselves and wanting to commit suicide. Well all hell broke lose. I spoke to them, they realised I was ok and did not need to go to hospital.

So now is the part I need help with. My psych is on 2 weeks leave so cannot get into contact. I have had to tell my husband more than I am comfortable with at this stage. I had already planned to sit down with him and my psych. together and let him know more.

Now everything is worse than ever. My anxiety is through the roof, has just increased my SH, panic attacks have doubled, my husband has gone all weird on me and now I never want to reach out and get help again in case something like this happens again. I feel so alone and don't know what to do anymore. The last 2 days have been hell and I feel like the little control I had has now gone.

[Quercus]

Wow Nell I'm blown away by your strength 😊

There's a reason Mary and Sherie's responses both expressed pride in you. Even scared you saw it through. The psych may have spoken most but that's what he gets paid for. To make it easier and less threatening. But I've been there struggling with finding the words so I'm so so so proud of you.

Please remember when hubby does want to talk you can always say no. I'm not ready for details.

I'm glad your husband reacted better than you expected. Mine did too. I remember looking at him and blurting out "aren't you disgusted?" and he said no, that he still loves me the same.

How are you feeling today?

[Nellym]

Hi all

Mary I understand that you need to get away for awhile, you need to put yourself first. I will say thankyou however for all the advice and kind words you have given me along the way.

Sherie thank you for the reply. I am happy for you to comment or watch from afar! You too, like Mary, need to make sure you put yourself first.

Nat, thankyou also for those kind words. I am feeling ok today, it still feels a bit surreal at the moment. The psychologist did say to hubby that it is important to go at a pace I feel comfortable with and still feel I have control, so I don't think he will ask me probing questions.

I did say to him that I was scared to tell him because I thought he would look/view me differently. His response of "why would I do that, you are still the same person" made me feel so much better. I think the fear of not knowing how he would respond scared me the most.

I do know that he wants to know who it was which scares me because he knew this person. I am not sure if I could ever tell him that. Maybe with time I could, but not yet.

Thanks again all 3 of you for taking the time to respond to my post. I appreciate you words of wisdom and encouragement and it is nice to know that I am not in this journey alone.

Nell

[Quercus]

Hi Nell,

I'm glad to hear the psych set some boundaries for hubby in terms of questions. Maybe one day you will feel able to tell him who, maybe not. Either way it's your choice.

I feel you in fearing the reaction. I was so afraid of hubby not seeing me anymore. That he would think I was pathetic. Not sure why seeing as if the tables were turned and he was telling me he had been raped it wouldn't change for a second how I feel about him. So why do we worry so much and doubt ourselves hey?

Did the psych talk to you at all about taking things slowly and being gentle on yourself right now? I found once the initial relief wore off admitting it to people made it feel very real. I struggled for a while with memories and low moods. Hopefully you don't experience this.

But if you do please reach out ok. I'll check on you but seriously shout out on any thread (mine is in long term) if you need extra TLC ok.

Nat

[Nellym]

Hi Nat,

So after Wednesday and how well it went I thought I would feel great. But instead I feel the exact opposite. I feel depressed and worried. Worried how hubby is coping with the news. And I feel on edge about when he is going to ask me a question about what happened and what that question might be. And this is making me more anxious to be around him which sounds silly because he has been so supportive so far.

And I don't know if it is because of what happened on Wednesday, but the last two nights new memories have come up from my CSA in the form of flash backs during the night which I think is adding to my distress at the moment since I've woken up having panic attacks from them.

I guess I just expected my thoughts would calm down somewhat and they haven't. I am still experiencing thoughts of SH and SI. Maybe I am expecting too much of myself, I dont know. I just feel like i dont have any answers at this stage.

Nell

[Quercus]

Hi Nell,

I'm sorry to hear about the flashbacks and thoughts of SI and SH. Yes I think you're expecting too much of yourself. Slow. Slow. Baby steps. One day at a time. That was my goal. Would that be helpful for you? Just take each day as it comes. No judgement. Just focus on self care and take it slowly

How's your safety plan looking? I noticed previously it failed to help you stop SH so time to have a good hard look at it.

I wrote mine out and put it on the fridge. A bit embarrassing but hubby liked it because he felt less scared seeing I was taking control and had step by step plans to follow.

Mine was in 4 categories and each one had dot points of activities listed. Distraction. Talking it through. Physical support. Emergency. Each heading had dot points of what to try. So if I was in a bad place I didn't have to think. Just work through the steps slowly. Section one dot point one. Section one dot point two. The list was HUGE. I gave myself every option I could think of so the list would take ages to work through.

You were abused too. This is not going to ever be erased. The goal is to learn to feel sad or angry or upset without that emotion taking over your body and you being overwhelmed. The safety plan in my mind is about getting through the urges. Lots of steps to pass the time and wait out the urges.

Talking to hubby is an enormous step. So bloody brave Nell. Maybe you can ask him to help you with the safety plan? No doubt he will think of options you won't and it gives him a solid way to help you as well as a realistic sense of how much pain you are. Also it's a gentle reminder to take care of you and not push too hard. What do you think?

And yes I felt like you too. Like I'd opened the can of worms by talking about it and couldn't stuff them away again. It's was time for me to learn to cope with my memories. And heal. It does feel awful and raw for a while but give it time and ask for help.

Maybe you could ask to see your psychologist more often until you feel a bit more stable. Is that an option. As for fearing questions please remember the word no is totally ok. No I don't want to talk about this now. I need time please.

Take care of yourself please Nell.

I'm on a kid free hubby free road trip but will check in later ok.

❤ Nat

[Quercus]

Hi Nell,

Sorry I had barely any reception and gave up on trying to load threads yesterday.

How are you feeling? Are you managing to find ways to distract yourself from the SI and SH urges? I hope so.

Just checking in and seeing how you're holding up. If you want to talk I'm back and listening ok.

❤ Nat

[Nellym]

Hi Nat,

I stepped back for a bit, a rough couple of days but in a better headspace today.

The last few days were bad. New flashbacks from a new sexual abuse that I had forgotten about and decided to come back. All came to a head yesterday with SH happening and SI thoughts. But got through it and today is a much better day already.

I have started making a more detailed safety plan because I don't think mine has enough in it. I am going to talk to my psych next session about my safety plan and how I can improve it. I see my psych weekly at the moment, and there is normally a phone call in between that to check in.

I start seeing the psychiatrist next week, so hopefully that will help too.

Hubby has been good and hasn't asked any questions or approached the subject at all which is good.

I hope that your kid and hubby free weekend was nice and relaxing!

How are you going too?

Nell

[Quercus]

Hi Nell,

I'm glad to hear you're going to review your safety plan with your psych. That is great. Also the psychiatrist too. All solid helpful ways to help yourself 😊.

Also good on you for accepting that the SH happened but moving on and making changes. To me that seems like a positive attitude. We go backwards sometimes but then brush ourselves off and try and try again 😊.

I hope you are enjoying your day if you're feeling happy. What have you got planned?

I needed my mental health weekend. Do feel better for it. There were some unexpected triggers that threw me but it has passed. Thanks for asking though.

❤ Nat

[Nellym]

Hi Nat,

I can't talk now, too many things have triggered me, Will come back when I can and post

Thanks for listening to me

Nell

[Quercus]

Hi Nell,

That's ok there is no pressure to reply on here. Just take care of yourself.

Sorry to hear you're not in a good place right now. Time to distract yourself and work through the saftey plan.

There is a thread on here about managing triggers. I'll find it. Maybe there will be an idea you haven't tried.

Be gentle to yourself Nell. This will pass just wait it out and be safe.

❤ Nat