I NEED SOME ADVICE/HELP

[Nellym]

ok, so I don't even know the best place to put this but here goes.

So I was talking to an online chat the other night about some of my issues and getting some advice. They asked if I had self harmed and I had said yes. I told them I was not suicidal and only used self-harm as a coping strategy when my other strategies don't work. Was asked if anyone was with me, I said my husband but he doesn't know about everything (he knows a little bit) and I am not ready to tell him. Said I was seeing a psychologist and that they know everything going on. They kept saying I need to tell someone and go somewhere for help. I kept telling them I was ok and didn't need medical assistance. They asked if they could ring me and I said not right now, I am happy to ring later on tonight when I am alone. So chat ended there.

20 mins later I have police knocking on my door saying they had a report of someone harming themselves and wanting to commit suicide. Well all hell broke lose. I spoke to them, they realised I was ok and did not need to go to hospital.

So now is the part I need help with. My psych is on 2 weeks leave so cannot get into contact. I have had to tell my husband more than I am comfortable with at this stage. I had already planned to sit down with him and my psych. together and let him know more.

Now everything is worse than ever. My anxiety is through the roof, has just increased my SH, panic attacks have doubled, my husband has gone all weird on me and now I never want to reach out and get help again in case something like this happens again. I feel so alone and don't know what to do anymore. The last 2 days have been hell and I feel like the little control I had has now gone.

[Nellym]

Hi Mary,

i find the app really good to use. I haven't shown my hubby it yet, but will in time. He has had to deal with a lot lately, don't want to make it worse for him.

The problem I have with my meds is that they make me feel like I have no control over myself. Part of my problem with anxiety and PTSD is the control problem so I need to speak to my MHT because taking them heightens my anxiety. I took a long time to respond to this post because I have had high anxiety this afternoon and had a panic attack.

i am not sure if I have explained myself that well or not

Nell

[White_Rose]

Hello Nell

I don't think you have taken long to reply. It's still today. I do understand how you feel about your meds. For a long while I would not take them and like many people there were several reasons. Just taking a medication meant I agreed or admitted I had a MH problem and I did not want to do this. I saw it as something to be ashamed of because I could not get well without help which meant I was a weak person. Meds would take over my mind and I would not be able to control the way I acted. I mean, really, what part of the world was I living in.

The only way to get over these fears was to take the meds. Sadly for me I had to try many different ADs before I could tolerate one. So that added to my dislike of of taking these meds. In fact I never had an AD that really helped and did not upset my system until two years ago. The difference is amazing. This is what I was trying to get at about your meds. Are there physical reactions or is it an antipathy towards meds in general.

Yes the good old panic attacks. I appear to have stopped these lately and I am most grateful. It is a really horrid thing to cope with. Please don't force yourself to reply if you feel unwell. There is no use by date. When you feel comfortable is the best time to write. I have found when I am in a high anxiety patch that even if I write it doesn't make much sense. Well not to me anyway.

It is important to discuss this with your MHT. It's good that they all know how you feel and can work together to help you heal without setting off further traumas. I hope your husband will be able to catch up with you so to speak and understand what is happening. Showing him the app with your plan may help to make it real for him, though I expect that is in future.

Mary

[Nellym]

Hi Mary,

I struggle to want to take my meds for that plain fact they I don't think they work. Had a rough night last night. Had new flashbacks, panic attacks, SH,SI, rang SCBS, then another panic attack this morning. So it's pretty much sucked and have really had enough of everything at the moment.

My strength to keep going has hit rock bottom. Luckily I see my psych on Wednesday, cannot come soon enough.

I don't know what tonight will bring. I am hoping to get some sleep and have taken some sleeping tablets to help. Although I did take them last night and they were not helpful

Ive got nothing else left in the tank tonight. Am going to try and get some sleep now.

Nell

[White_Rose]

Hello Nell

I hope you had a good, or at least better, night's sleep. It must be catching as I seem to be operating on a couple of hours sleep each night. I am sad you are not sleeping well and feel everything piling up in your life. I do know how overwhelming it can be. Trouble is these situations you often cannot think straight and need someone to look after you.

Did you talk about this with your MHT? It may be like antidepressants and it can take up to six weeks for the full effect to show. After one week you should be starting to feel a slight improvement at least. Nothing left in the tank is bad. I do hope you can get some real rest soon.

This is your psychologist you are seeing on Wednesday is it? May be a good idea to check the meds out with him/her. Although they cannot prescribe and may not have the in-depth knowledge of a psychiatrist, they can at least talk about how you feel and make a record of it. Hopefully the information can be passed on to your psychiatrist or MHT.

Be as aware as possible of your energy levels and try not to overtax yourself in the name of duty. Spend the day doing those things you enjoy which may help to restore your energy and give yourself something else to think about.

Mary

[Nellym]

Hi Mary,

I hope you have been able to get some more sleep. I think my meds are starting to have an effect which is good. They gave me some medication to work short term also, so that is helping.

Yesterday wasn't great, anxiety was high. Extremely anxious about tomorrow when I see my psychologist. It is meant to be the session my husband is coming to so he can know exactly what is happening. I still don't know if I can tell him about what happened to me when I was younger. I spoke to him the other day about putting it off, and he just ended up getting annoyed at me and then I just gave in.

I feel like disappearing at this stage so I don't have to go through with tomorrow. To make him happy I have to go through hell.

[White_Rose]

Hello Nell

It's not your job to keep your husband happy. It's your job to keep yourself well and happy. Mostly in marriages both partners want to help each other but you cannot sacrifice yourself for his sake.

I expect the meeting with your psychologist may be a bit stilted and uncomfortable, but it will be OK. I want you to remember to say it like it is. No agreeing with husband so you don't upset him. This is your opportunity to say how you feel and what you need. You are in a safe place. If you feel there may be consequences at home, then say that also. For example, if you say you would like more support from your husband, but believe at home he will ignore your need or make nasty comments, then say so. It's no good bottling it all up to shield him or so the psych will not think badly of him or you.

Yes you need to go to this appointment. Why do you want to put it off? Nothing will change until you, with help of husband, start working on your MI issues. You will stay at this point for much longer than necessary. Take a deep breath and go. No matter when this meeting happens you will always be nervous, so jump in now rather than give yourself more days and weeks of feeling miserable.

I look forward to hearing how well it went.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Nelly,

How did your appointment with the psychologist and hubby go? I hope you are alright and that the psych directed the session so that you felt safe.

I hope it's ok that I join in. There is a lot of your story that (like Mary) I can relate to. Did you manage to get any sleep last night?

Thinking of you and hoping the appointment was helpful.

Nat

[Nellym]

Hi Mary and Nat,

It has been a big few days so will fill you in,
So the session went for about 1.5 hours and was exhausting. I think I cried the whole time. I spoke to my psych for about 20 minutes before Hubby came in.
So hubby came in. Psych went through how it was affecting me and about my nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks etc. I could not get the words out so the psych did most of the talking. Spoke about that when I was about 8 I was sexually abused/assaulted for about 2.5 years. Hubby asked who, but psych said that we need to take things slowly with me and that was not able to be discussed today. Spoke about how my mental health was the most important thing. Hubby asked a few questions. He questioned about marks? I had told him I had fallen over. Psych didn't really answer him but spoke about him monitoring my safety closely and would take the steps needed if he had to. Talked about how it was important to go at my pace so I felt like I still had control of the whole situation. Spoke about how hard it was to tell him as the only other person I had told face to face was my psych. Hubby took it better than I thought. I think he is still in shock and in about a month he is going to come to another session.
I haven't really spoken to him privately yet (kids around) but will do that at some stage. I am not sure if he is ready yet, think he is still processing it all. I did give him the numbers to a mens line and a sexual abuse line that he could ring if he needed support.

I LOVE MY PSYCH!! He was so good and because I couldn't say it and just kept crying, he took over it for me.
So now he knows. I am not sure if it is a relief yet. My mind is still jumbled up and I am still mentally exhausted. It was the hardest thing I ever did (even though I didn't speak much!), but I am glad I saw it through.

It was extremely hard to go in and since he came straight from work we went in separate cars which I think was a good thing. Thirty minutes before hand I was not going in and was seriously thinking about how to end my life. But I knew I wouldn't do that to him or my children.

So now he knows. One day I might tell him who it was (hard because he meet the person early on when we first started dating) but I will never tell him the details. I don't think I would ever tell anyone exactly what happened. Those demons will stay in my head.

Last night I slept better than I had for a long time, but still with the assistance of meds.

Nell

[White_Rose]

Nell

I am so proud of you. I understand that it was a very hard thing to do, that you wanted to pull out before it started, but you didn't. Even when you were having suicidal thoughts you still went.

I expect it will take several days for your husband to process everything he has learned so don't rush into a conversation about it. Let him come to you. It will happen.

Did I say I was proud of you?

I need to be away from the forums a bit so is it OK if you talk to Quercus? I think you two have a great deal in common and will get on well.

I am proud of you.

Mary

[Guest_5218]

Dear Nell,

We spoke a couple of weeks ago when I replied to one of your posts here. Since then I have continued to follow whats happening for you. I havent responded since then mainly because I have been dealing with a few of my own issues but also because Mary has been offering such wonderful support, and I really had nothing further to add.

However, it appears that Mary is taking a break? I hope everything is okay with you Mary, and that you will soon return. Your care and support of others is a gift to many. If its a case of needing to take care of you for a change, then its a good move to take some time out. Please take good care of yourself.

Nell, you and I also have a bit in common, so once again I offer you my support. I'm not Mary, but I'll certainly do my best. I'm here if you need someone to talk to, and I will try to monitor your thread more closely now. I know Nat will still be here for you as well, dispensing her wisdom and care.

I will add to what Mary said ........ I too am proud of what you've achieved over the past week. So far you have noticed at least one benefit ... improve sleep. It must have been such a relief to finally get all that out in the open. I agree with Mary, let hubby come to you when he's ready. He has a lot to take in.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that I'm here for you.

Sherie xx