I NEED SOME ADVICE/HELP

[Nellym]

ok, so I don't even know the best place to put this but here goes.

So I was talking to an online chat the other night about some of my issues and getting some advice. They asked if I had self harmed and I had said yes. I told them I was not suicidal and only used self-harm as a coping strategy when my other strategies don't work. Was asked if anyone was with me, I said my husband but he doesn't know about everything (he knows a little bit) and I am not ready to tell him. Said I was seeing a psychologist and that they know everything going on. They kept saying I need to tell someone and go somewhere for help. I kept telling them I was ok and didn't need medical assistance. They asked if they could ring me and I said not right now, I am happy to ring later on tonight when I am alone. So chat ended there.

20 mins later I have police knocking on my door saying they had a report of someone harming themselves and wanting to commit suicide. Well all hell broke lose. I spoke to them, they realised I was ok and did not need to go to hospital.

So now is the part I need help with. My psych is on 2 weeks leave so cannot get into contact. I have had to tell my husband more than I am comfortable with at this stage. I had already planned to sit down with him and my psych. together and let him know more.

Now everything is worse than ever. My anxiety is through the roof, has just increased my SH, panic attacks have doubled, my husband has gone all weird on me and now I never want to reach out and get help again in case something like this happens again. I feel so alone and don't know what to do anymore. The last 2 days have been hell and I feel like the little control I had has now gone.

[Nellym]

Hi Mary,

Firstly, please do not read if you think it will trigger you at all as it is quite distressing.

please do not feel like you have neglected me at all. I haven't really been around that much anyway, had a few things happen which I will get to which has meant my husband has already found out a lot more.

First thing is yes I see a psychologist weekly. Unfortunately he is away for a couple of weeks so has affected me more then I thought it would. I have got an appointment to see a psychiatrist in mid October.

I spoke to my mum about what happened and we smoothed it over a bit, but the whole truth sort of came out the other night anyway.

So yesterday I had to see a mental health team and also a psychiatrist on short notice because I came extremely close to ending it all the night before. So I had an assessement and they said I was ok to be at home, just needed to be monitored by my husband. Have been given tablets to take to try and calm me down and also help with the SH and the SI. From this I guess my family found out bit more, they don't know how bad I was however. Not that I have spoken to anyone yet (except my husband), I am not ready to.

So the last day or so have been filled with a lot of shame and anger directed at myself for doing this. But I guess that is something I will have to learn to live with. Thankfully my children were asleep when all of this happened and are oblivious to what occurred.

sorry if this is too heavy for you.

Nell

[White_Rose]

My Dear Nell

It's perfectly OK to talk about these things here. Yes I have been in that situation and I know how ashamed we get because of it. Talking to a mental health team can be heavy. They want to know if you are still at risk and if so what to do. Once it has been decided you are OK to be at home then you can go. When this happened to me I had no one at home and it was very hard. I imagine you need comfort and reassurance.

Being angry with yourself is also a normal reaction. There is a huge amount of shame attached to self-harm and it does not help anyone. The good part is that you did not end your life and whatever stopped you was in part your care for your children and other family members. It's easy for me to say put it behind you and I know it's by no means easy. Keep yourself occupied as much as possible, not necessarily doing household chores but in more pleasant ways. I hope you husband has taken time off work to be with you. You need to be cared for when you are fragile like this.

I think you are right to be out of contact with your family for a little while as you need to process the whole thing. The first time someone told me to process something I had no idea what they meant. Just let it sit without trying to push away your thoughts and not trying to investigate them. If you can manage to think of other matters that will help, but no forcing yourself in any way.

If you need to cry then do so. If you want to scream and punch your pillow then get husband to take the children to the park first. These are hard emotions and trying to stop expressing them will deplete your already low reserves. Make sure you drink lots of water. Sounds very trivial but it is important to keep yourself hydrated. Tea and coffee in small amounts is OK but no alcohol. Try to eat snacks if a full meal is too much. Perhaps tell your husband what you would like and ask him to get it. It's not an excuse to be picky, you need to eat well or as well as possible.

I hope I have made practical suggestions. Be kind to yourself as much as possible. I am sitting here remembering what happened to me and wishing I could sit next to you and and just be with you. Well these words are all I have but I send them with much affection and compassion. Write in whenever you want.

Mary

[Nellym]

Hi Mary,

thank you for your kind words. I am ok at the moment. I don't like the way the meds they put me on feel but I know if I don't take them then they said I would go in hospital and I really don't want to go there. I had thoughts about it before but that night everything seemed so hopeless and felt like I had no way out and ending it all was all I had left.

So now I have to deal with the aftermath of my actions. I am so ashamed and angry at myself for putting my husband and children through this. I feel like I don't deserve them for even thinking about putting them through this. I guess I didn't think about how my actions would affect them. I guess I wasn't thinking.

i don't know what I need now. I feel numb but not sure if that is the meds talking or me.

So I have to see them tomorrow again and am just trying to take it minute by minute. It's about all I can cope with now.

Thanks for your understanding and for your suggestions. It is easier to talk to someone where I don't have to explain myself, they just understand.

Nell

[White_Rose]

Hello Nell

If the ADs have a side effect that is troubling you, you can ask for a review. You will only go to hospital if you do not take any meds. Not all meds work for everyone in the same way. Stick with it for a couple of weeks as these side effects sometimes go away after a while. Keep some notes on how you feel to discuss with whoever is prescribing.

Yes indeed take it slowly and look ahead only as far as is comfortable.

I know very well how you get to the last stop and can think no further. Emotional pain is as painful as physical pain. Well in many ways it's more so in the way your whole body is involved with the pain trying to get out and you desperately fighting to hold yourself together.

I faced that same shame with my children. They were desperately worried and for a while I could not see this because of my own hell. During this time I discovered I had breast cancer. A few years ago my daughter remarked that I had not seemed very concerned about it. I said as far as I was concerned it was just another day in hell. What I am trying to say is that you cannot think of others when you are in this state and of course we become more guilty because of this.

I know how hard it will be but please try to put your anger, grief and shame to one side and concentrate on those things that make you happy and help you to get well. You will still have to deal with it but hopefully you will be stronger and better able to manage. If your children ask, and I don't know how old they are, tell them you will explain later but for now you need to get well. My children were grown up and left home.

Mary

[Nellym]

Hi Mary,

thanks for those words of encouragement. My children are 12 and 9'so have been able to shield them away from everything that is happening.

I see the MHT this morning so will talk to them about my meds. I had a bad morning and SH so I don't know what they will say to that. Hopefully they still let me stay at home.

I understand trying to put the anger and shame to the side, but always much easier said then done!

Sorry to hear about your own struggles and with your cancer. I hope you are cancer free now and on the road to recovery.

Nell

[White_Rose]

Dear Nell

I was hoping you had found a little peace but not so. I really wish I was with you, but I can metaphorically hold your hand. If your children do not know what's happened it may be best not to tell them. By the time you read this I expect your meeting with the MHT will be over. How did it go? What about your medication? I hope they gave some strategies for not SH. It is important that you have an alternative action you can take that is not self destructive.

I've been trying to think of things that might work. I have not SH. I don't want that to be seen as a self righteous or judgemental comment. It's simply that it never occurred to me so I don't know what you can do instead. I imagine it would need to be something active. I'm sorry I cannot suggest anything.

My first cancer was in 2001 and the second 2015. Not a bad distance between. The hospital will keep tabs on me for five years. Annual mammogram and check up with the breast specialist (not surgeon) and six monthly checks with the oncologist. Lots of time but if it happens again I don't want a year's wait before it's discovered. Thank you for asking. All is well at the moment.

Yes it is hard to put some thoughts aside. I have a list of activities on the fridge to go to when life gets tough. I needed to make the list in advance as thinking of what to do is really impossible when you are so distressed. Are you a cook? I most definitely am not, but many people enjoy making meals and snacks and I'm certain your children would love it. One of my go to activities is gardening. I am redesigning it at the moment. My daughter visited yesterday and looked at the work to date. She wants me to have straight borders because they will match my patio tiles. It will all unfold as I find other plants I want and as I make paths.

Be kind to yourself. You didn't choose depression and it's not your fault. Sometimes crap happens.

Mary

[Nellym]

Hi Mary,

the meeting with the MHT went better good. They spoke to me for about an hour and thankfully decided not to put me in hospital. They have altered my meds a bit which isn't to help with the SI and the SH. I am hoping so. I am being monitored closely by them. I know they are doing what they think is right, but if they alone more time that they understand than I might just loose it.

They reviewed my safety plan so I am hoping I can use that when needed. I have to keep seeing my psychologist weekly (when he returns from holidays) and also see the psychiatrist. I have got a list of distractions that I work through but haven't got them on my fridge, might have to put them there!

I Don't know if all of this will work or not but I have to give it a try and somehow hope for the best.

I am so glad to hear that you are cancer free at the moment, that is great news.

all the best,

Nell

i am glad to hear about the news of your

[White_Rose]

Hello Nell

This sounds like great news. I hope the meds feel better for you. I must ask, I have been hoping for a revelation but so far none has appeared. I know SH but what is SI. I'm a bit confused with your sentence, They have altered my meds a bit which isn't to help with the SI and the SH. I am hoping so. Not sure what you are saying.

Are you using the BB safety plan on the app Beyond Now? It's really useful to put it on your mobile so it is always handy.

It will be good for you when your psychologist returns. Is the MHT going to write to him/her? How often will you see the psychiatrist?

Distractions are just that, distractions. They do not make you better. What they do is help move your thoughts to something more gentle and enjoyable. It gives you time to get yourself together again. One of my favourites was to listen to a CD of talks and embroider at the same time. The talks occupied my mind to some extent and the embroidery filled the rest of my mind plus giving me something to do with my hands.

I got though so much sewing that way. More importantly I found I was relaxing more and letting the tension go away so it was an all-round winner. You can get audio books from the library which I always enjoy.

Mary

[Nellym]

Hi Mary,

OMG I think I need to read back what I write before I post!!

Should read, they have altered my meds a bit which is meant to help with SI and SH.

SI = Suicide idelation/ thoughts

I know I have to take the meds but they make me feel like I haven't got control anymore, which from my past, is extremely hard to handle. But if I go off them, than I would hate to think what would happen. The mental health team is going to let the psychologist know everything and I am meant to see the psychiatrist every 2 weeks.

i am hoping that it doesn't feel like one appointment after another. But we will see how it goes.

i have downloaded the app and put my safety plan on there to use when things get bad.

Unfortunately you are right Mary, distractions don't make us better which is such a shame. I wish they would! My mindset is so bad at the moment where I feel I am never going to overcome this, but I guess that is just something I have to try and work through.

i do listen to music a lot. I listen to a mix I put together especially in the car. I can't listen to the radio, too many songs are a trigger for me.

i have never tried audio books, I might try them. Could be something different to the music.

[White_Rose]

Thanks for the clarification, I should have guessed the SI after all that happens to me at times.

Sounds as though you have a good support team round you. I am pleased you are being kept safe. I don't what meds you have been prescribed and it's not my business. I want to say, as I did above, keep some notes on the progress of the meds. The effects may wear off and you will be OK but sometimes the wretched side effects are worse than the illness.I know I had a lot of trouble find something that worked and didn't make me feel crazy. Or perhaps I should say the psychiatrist had trouble...

I think it will help you a great deal to see both psychs regularly. They work in different ways and hopefully talk to each other. You need structure in your life at the moment with less time to brood. I am including myself here. I find it very easy to brood over what I cannot change and it makes me cranky. I have a list of distractions which help to keep me on an even keel and allow me to work on getting well. I think that's the value of distractions.

I like music and I do listen to the radio a lot. I am a bit of a classical music fan. I am in a book club which means reading a book a month. Not very hard you would think but it was often difficult to read in the allotted time. That's the reason I turned to talking books. I found to my delight that having someone reading to me added a whole new dimension to the book.Some readers change voices for each character and that's good. Others simply read but have such great skills they do need to alter their voice. And I become immersed in the story.

Did you find the app easy to follow? I was talking to my counsellor (like you I have two people to talk to) one day when I was not feeling good he reminded me about the safety plan. It did help. Does your husband know of this plan? Do you think he will remind you if he sees you going downhill at all? Chat to your psychs about showing him the app. It may help, or may not, but keep trying.

I've been thinking about this control aspect of taking meds and I presume you feel that way in all parts of your life, or at least many. What is it about the meds that distresses you? I have been assuming your difficulty lay with side effects but maybe this is not so. Again I think it's a good discussion point but before you do, can you write down what it is that upsets you. And also other events that you want to control but cannot. Whoops, words gone.

Mary