Dear Jackson~
This is a long post, you might not feel like reading it right now, that's fine. You can read it another day if you want to.
I'd like to tell you something about "offloading" if you didn't mind. You may have thought of it yourself, I don't know. You could think about it later.
It starts off this way, nobody wants to feel bad.
So what happens if I do something wrong and I should feel guilty? If I'm a reasonably ok and honest person then that is exactly what happens, I feel guilty and sorry for what I did and bad about myself.
But what if I'm not an ok and honest person? A whole lot of selfish people will never blame themselves, they pass the guilt and feeling sorry and bad onto someone else. Seems impossible? - No way.
Your dad abandoned you at 6 years old. He puts the blame on you, on your mother, on anyone but himself. It is a sad fact of life that this really works. The way he has treated you makes you feel like shit. That is what he should be feeling, but he has passed it on to you. He feels fine. You do not.
So nowadays you feel that if you had been an ok person he would have stayed. Or he would want to have a proper relationship with you now. You ARE an ok person! He is not.
I was similar, my parents blamed me for everything and then went away - I was much older than you were and much better able to deal with it than a 6 year old would have been.
He has put his poison in your mind. You need to get it out, so seeing a doctor and getting therapy is the way to go.
This has nothing to do with the sad death of your brother. Like I did when my partner died, you are feeling a great deal of grief and loss. I think if your dad had not treated you like he did you might be able to cope with that better now.
You said you get on ok with your step siblings, how about your step-dad and mum?
You can talk here about your brother, about how you are feeling, about anything. As you can see already the people here are good folks, will be here for you and will try to help.
If you feel overwhelmed give the support line a ring - no hassles.
One final thing. I find when anxiety takes over I can use an app on my smartphone called Smiling Mind. It's free but takes a fair bit of practice to get it to work properly. I find it a big help.
I'd like to know, is that you cat? What's his/her name?
Croix (who has 2 cats, Sumo, Nasty & also Zeppelin dog)
