I'm not managing so well anymore

[Wednesday]

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors.

I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital.

My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy.

My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through.

I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well.

I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[Wednesday]

So sweet of you to care dear Croix.

I'm not really doing al that well. I'm as always waiting on some results. They invariably come back with some new information that adds to my list of issues.

It's hard at home too. I feel so trapped and so helpless to do anything about it. It seems like every week there is a P family issue of one sort or another. I have no way of dealing with this stuff. It is probably my defective personality. But I have no tools left to work though this stuff.

Am I such a bad person that Ive bought all this stuff on myself, maybe so. I certainly seem to be good at making a mess of things.

x

[Croix]

Dear Ava~

No you don't sound the best, and are blaming yourself for situations and people beyond your control. (I noticed you still encourage Taurus though)

When that happens to me (all too often I'm afraid) I run away into a book or a movie or some other thing that distracts me and lets me forget, at least for a while. Yesterday I cataloged some of my books while listening to 1960's radio comedy. Worked quite nicely.

The only down-side was Nasty Cat, who has discovered laptop keyboards are warmer than bench tops and sits accordingly. We then have earnest discussions.

Take care Ava (plus Curly), we are thinking of you

Croix

[Lost_Girl]

Dearest Ava,

I have a huge hug for you! I wish I could do more.

So you have no control over P's family. I know you wish you had more access to the grandkids. I know it is super hard. Perhaps try to remove yourself from any nasty discussions or happenings as much as you can.

You are not a bad person. Everything you do re P's family is kind and carefully considered. It is by no means your fault that they are disfunctional (and from the actions you have described of them, a bit mean and selfish).

I am with Croix - hiding in a movie, tv or book. I find distraction is the only thing that helps when I start feeling miserable and like the pain and hardship will never end (me over the past 6 weeks). Actually had to confess my sadness to my GP recently and she gave me an amazing pep talk. So glad she is positive, one of us have to be hey!!

I will be positive for you lovely. With hope, the results will lend to a way forward! Try some dustractions, it can be dangerous left with only ones thoughts and other's troubles. I can recommend "Younger" on netflix and I am enjoying "Heartland" which is a slow paced drama about horses. This one is good when I am on pain meds that slow my thinking.

(Hi Croix, you were right, it does get better. Finally healing from the operation. Been getting bugs and viruses one aftee another.. sigh. Finally turning a corner! Laughing at your furry keyboard cover!)

Warmest wishes to you (and Croix!)

[Wednesday]

Dear Croix,

I hope NC has allowed you access to your keyboard again 🙂

It's not been an easy time of late. I always worry that I annoy taking responsibility for my behaviours. I know that my past colours my thinking. This is despite my best efforts to more on.

I do hide a lot and find myself in bed for longer than I should be. The curly one is happy curling with me. We do get up before P comes home though. I have books to read for lack the concentration required.

I hope you are doing alright Croix. I check your thread from time to time.

Thank you for your support it means a great deal to me.

Hugs, xx

[Wednesday]

Dearest Carol,

I have been hooping that you were feeling better. Alas I see that you have been on the infection route, dam. Your poor body has been through so much I guess it is not surpriseing that fighting infections is hard for it. Lots of hugs to you dear one. Keep fighting, those adorable children need their wonderful mum. You have been through so much it just has to be time for you get better any day now.

Your kind words always help and the huge hugs are gratefully received. I do what I can to try to make the days shorter. Recent medical results haven't been great. Th Curly dog keeps close by and makes me smile. He is very aware that I can't catch him. He can suddenly becomes quite hearing impaired, if there is an escape route available! He keeps me on my toes and does quite a few tricks. It is fun taking him with me when I can, he has collected quite a fan club. If I go to the pharmacy without him he is always missed. He knows the staff by name and will go search them out for me.

Hugs hugs backs. xx

[Croix]

Dear Ava~

Moving on is not that easy - perhaps a lifetime's work? Well I suspect it is for me. The past coloring the present, attitudes molded by what has gone before, well you are in good company:)

While I don't stay in bed (nothing virtuous there, just get uncomfortable) I do hide behind a book -i t's amazing even one of modest size can be enough to create an insulating barrier.

With the keyboard Nasty Cat and I are entering the final phase of negotiations (It's not looking that good, amazing how determined a small furry body can be:( Then again I guess you know that with Curly's selective deafness. He sounds quite a character. By contrast I can't see NC having any fans at all.

Have a Healing Hug

Croix

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hello Ava,

It's a while since I posted here, though I thought I had a couple of times. 😕 I know little of your history, and in what way the past is colouring your thinking, but I would like to say that however that is affecting you now, being aware of it is the most important thing. I am someone who looks forward, not backward, but even I fall into the trap of assessing what's before me through the eyes of past experience at times. It's moments like that, that being aware and stepping back to observe what you're feeling/thinking comes in handy, so you can separate what has gone before from what is (Mindfulness 101 - I'm really getting into this stuff). It sounds like you're on the right track with that. Anyway, the reflexive process of seeing the present or future through the past is entirely normal, it's what you do with it that matters.

I smiled at the picture of Curly having admirers asking after him if he's not with you. He sounds like a pretty lovable pooch. Whilst I can't take him out and about with me, most of those who have met Sir Pecks pretty much instantly fell in love with him. It's something special to see one's little companions strutting their stuff and putting a sparkle in so many eyes. Glad the curly one is there with you to help you through the difficult times.

Hugs for you, pats and a treat for Curly, and a cheery serenade from Sir Pecks.

Blue.

[Guest_9809]

Hi Ava,

Just a very quick post to let you know I am now back from supporting my brother. Things seem to be improving there, which is great. And he is getting lots of support from community and medical professionals.

I see that you are doing things pretty tough right now. Thank goodness for the little Curly fellow. They are great arent they? I really missed my Tammie while I was away. But I had to leave her here to take care of hubby. Curly sounds like a delightful little fellow, and appears to have charmed all those he comes in contact with.

I read above in your reply to the lovely Croix that you are blaming yourself for all the bad things that have befallen you, and a defective personality for your inability to cope well with everything. Goodness me Ava, you are so hard on yourself arent you? You have an enormous amount of things you are contending with on a daily basis. None of which is your fault. As for you ability to cope ... well, thats a hard one. The environment in which you live, makes it more difficult due to the lack of understanding or support. You are basically doing it all on your own.

The only thing I can think of to help with your coping abilities is to seek psychological help. They do teach you mechanisms to help cope with things. And they can target it specifically to the individual, and hopefully find something that works for you.

In the meantime, its good that you are still spending time with Curly and teaching him tricks etc. I understand your inability to read much due to lack of concentration. Thats unfortunate. But perhaps read something shorter which requires a shorter attention span. Perhaps a book of short stories, or poetry if that interests you?

Okay, sending through a heartfelt hug, and letting you know I am thinking of you.

Taurus xx

[Wednesday]

Thank you dear Croix, your hug was gratefully felt.

I hope you are reigning supreme over NC??

I do find it difficult to be me. It has been a lifetime of work. I understand acceptance is the way to go. And here I am thinking I have accepted!

Curly dog came in from the garden with his legs and halfway up his tummy coated with a nice mud body mask. He has since had a bath and is asking to go outside again...

Hugs, xx

[Wednesday]

Lovey to see you dear Blue,

It's lovely to know that you are around and have thought of me.

Like you I’ve tended to be a glass half full type. I thought that I had overcome everything. It has been quite a life. Not so I’m sad to say. Getting so ill has been a problem, too much time on my own and with medicos has a bad effect on me. You are right of course. Back to mindfulness, I used to be really quite good at it. I just feel so useless so often. Luckily Curly dog is quite a character. He’s started doing shortcuts to his tricks. ‘Dancing’ has now become a super quick jump in the air while spinning around. I’m already a huge fan of Sir Pecks, he has a fabulous little character.

Hugs, xx