I'm not managing so well anymore

[Wednesday]

I am finding it harder and harder. I’m told I’m positive and resilient and maybe I have been. I’ve managed with the help of AD’s to get through. Now I am so ill I can hardly get out of bed. I spend too much time in hospitals and around doctors. Yesterday I saw a public hospital doctor that seemed to take delight in making me feel like a nuisance. He smiled and made smart jokes with his junior doctor at my expense. He didn’t listen he was so horrible and rude. Too many health issues, too many medications and too many doctors.

I have such a little quality of life. While not suicidal now, I am incredibly sad and can’t see a way out of this. The medications I take for auto immune disease have destroyed and made unrecoverable my immune system. I knew this when I agreed to take them, but I didn’t realise that it would mean I would always have some sort of infection, like last week’s pneumonia. Of course antibiotics are no longer useful and I can’t develop any new immunity. A trip to a coffee shop can send me back to hospital.

My friends and children are lovely but dispersed and not close by. I don’t say a lot because well it’s bloody boring and I’m sure it is more than they all need to know about. There is nothing anyone can do. They try with their suggestions of a new exercise or superfood, this dosen't help. They don't listen, it's too complicated so I don't bother explaining. I get comments like oh yes xx had pneumonia and they are really well now. that's great for xx. Or if you follow this exercise routine your blah will get better. If only I could get to the gym I would be there twice a week. Or take magnesium etc, yep I know all this. I know they are flailing around and trying to help but it feels like they are out of their depth and just saying things that aren't helpful. I don't stop them or try to explain anymore. Over the phone they can't see me so its easy.

My partner is away and to self involved when he is here to understand what I am going through.

I’ve been so independent all of my life from when I was a child. I don’t know how to manage this, how do I get a life? I’ve tried joining classes but I end up getting ill and not being able to attend. Maybe this really is as good as it gets and all the doctors and medicines in the world are not going to make me well.

I guess that is the outcome that I need to come to terms with. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I’m sorry, I just needed to get this out.

[Wednesday]

Hello dear Taurus,

Thank you for taking time in what is an exhausting period for you to post. I have been seeing a psych. I've used up all 10 sessions already. She said that P's family is entwined and unhealthy, so I guess I should let myself on the hook on that one. I would love to see the grandchildren tho. She was concerned about how depressed I was/am. I'm okay at the moment. P took me out for a few hours this morning, which was good for my soul.

The family thing still shakes me up and it's the 'doing it largely on my own' that makes me think I've done this all wrong.

Lots of love and hugs. xx

[Wednesday]

A good news post. I'm having lunch with an old work colleague. Woo hoo. It will take him two hours to get to the city, got to love that. I have to figure out how to get to the train and up the ramp. Joints splinted and meds taken, cant wait. Hugs, xx

[Guest_9809]

Yay! Good news Ava. You dont get to do this very often so make the most of this opportunity to spend some time with someone who obviously enjoys your company. Take care and, most importantly, ENJOY.

Hugs and best wishes.

Taurus xx

[Wednesday]

Thanks Taurus,

We had a lovely lunch, it was very special. P is in a mood again though.

Hugs,xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey there Ava,

I admit I had a little chuckle when you referred to me as a "glass half full" type. I've never thought of myself as that, perhaps more of a "fine, I'll fill the bloody glass again" type. As for you, I think you have an amazing attitude, and it's perfectly understandable with all you've got on your plate that you feel a bit depleted. Glad to hear you have a history of using mindfulness, though, and playing with Curly is probably a great place to use it. You're right, Sir Pecks is a fabulous little character. Mr Feisty is, too, if a tad less gentle about it. The pair of them really brighten up my life.

Glad to hear you got to go out and hang out with a friend. Sounds like it was a great experience and meant a lot to you. Yay! Hopefully any moods from your partner don't dampen your spirit too much, you deserve to hang onto the happiness you got out of going out.

Blue.

[Wednesday]

Hi Blue,

Well I guess you're a glass full person!

I have an op due in July which may help with my walking, so I am very excited. having one leg working a bit better will help. Recently I've started hydro sessions to keep my muscles moving. I love the warm water exercise it is so nice and calming. Unless I overdo it, which I may have done from time to time. Patience is really not one of my better virtues when it comes to me doing things.

It was so great seeing my old mate he teased me about being a cripple and made me laugh. I loved his honesty and his care. He also looked really sad when he saw me trying to get up stairs, so I told him off! Most people are very tactful or embarrassed and pretend that I'm no different to anyone else, ha!

Take wonderful care of yourself dear Blue. Little gentle strokes for Mr's P&F and big squishy hugs for you. Oh and I found some 1959 a capella music called unchained melody by the Fleetwoods, awesome voices. I'll play it to you one night. I just have to work out a nice cocktail to match.

xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Evening Ava,

Glass full, indeed. Perhaps so.

Glad to hear about your op, it will be great if it helps you get around better. I completely understand your impatience and pushing yourself a bit much with your exercises in the meantime, though. I'm sure I would do the same, so I can hardly tell you off for it.

Sounds like you have a great relationship with your friend, it is heartening to see something bringing joy to your words. Hugs back to you Ava, and many pats for the curly one. Interesting version of Unchained Melody, by the way. I admit I still think the original is the best. For the time period, do you think a martini would suit, to go with it?

Blue.

[Wednesday]

Why yes a martini would be perfect!

The Curly one has scratched the paint of the back door, geeee! He was left alone and obviously thought he could get his through the door that way! Mutter, mutter.

Hugs, xx

[Croix]

Dear Ava

Try for a full glass - then there are no philosophical questions.

As for naughty dogs, I've a stainless steel plate both inside and outside the back door. Without that many generations of determined mutts would have created their own cat-flap. (Why did my spell checker change stainless to sinless?)

I listened to the Fleetwoods, very resonant but delicate, precise. The intro sounded a bit like a call to prayer. I think I heard the song before, Everly Bros, Righteous Bros?

I'm glad your lunch went well, should be more of it, not only gets you out, reminds you that you are a 'full' person in your own right if you can understand what I mean (no, not full because of martinis).

A pat for the curly dog, (my menagerie is busy at the moment)

Croix

[Guest_9809]

Hi Ava, just checking in to say hello to you.

I'm really not into martini's so I will leave that for you and Blue I think. (-:

I hope P is treating you more kindly of late Ava? At least I know that little Curly will make up for any lack of care devotion on his part.

I'm glad you have persisted with the psych sessions Ava, as I recall you did not find the first session helpful and I had thought you wouldnt go back. So good on you in that regard. I guess I agree with her about P's family situation. It all sounds pretty toxic to me, and you are probably best out of it all for now at least. Perhaps when the grandkids are a little older, you may be able to reconnect with them then?

Ah the hydro therapy. Yes I did about 6 months of that after my back injury. I found it helpful, as I was unable to do anything else at the time. The water support makes a big difference. Have you noticed how heavy you feel as you walk out of the pool? Its kind of odd. Anyway the important thing is that it allows your muscles and joints to maintain mobility, where as normally you probably could not. Hopefully your operation next month will result in some improvement too. I guess the hydrotherapy will need to halt for a bit, to allow any surgical wounds to heal before going back in the water?

Thats so good that you were able to get out and enjoy your lunch with your friend last week. Do you have plans to catch up again soon? The fact that you were able to have a good laugh as well, is fantastic. A good laugh, even at ourselves, seems to take away some of the heaviness of our situation.

Thinking of you Ava, and sending a big hug your way.

Taurus xx