I’m back and I need support

[Chicken_Wings]

I haven’t posted in a long time. I haven’t exactly been “well” the whole time, but I’ve been pretty good. It seems though that I’m starting to experience another low.

There are a number of things which seem to have lead to the feelings I’m having right now.

My mum has been diagnosed with cancer and it’s terminal.

I’ve just had another birthday, the older I get the less I look forward to them as they remind me of what I haven’t done.

Just came back from a trip to see mum (who used to be my go-to support person) and I can see she’s gotten worse. I don’t feel it’s fair any more to ask her to be my shoulder when I need one as she has enough on her plate.

Ive noticed that she is beginning to use me as her emotional support which means I put effort into appearing positive for her.

My boyfriend is not very helpful with my anxiety and depression as he also has anxiety and deals with it completely differently.

I feel like these things have built up on me a bit and now I’m feeling tense and anxious. I’m scared and sad and feeling isolated.

My fear is manifesting itself into pyhsical symptoms now. I’m not eating that well and I feel like my brain isn’t as quick as it has been, like I can’t keep up.

I kind of just need to tell someone these things and hopefully hear that it’s ok to feel this way. That this is temporary and that with effort I can feel like myself again.

[Ggrand]

Hello Chicken Wings,

Im sorry I haven't posted in a few days, Just struggling so hard atm,

Im pleased you ate dinner a few nights ago and I'm really hoping you have a ten since then, you need to eat to fight mh.

I have done the same, spent a couple of days in bed, I'm also unhappy about doing that but I think we need to do this sometimes.. so let's forgive ourselves for doing that.

This journey to wellness is a harder task then I ever thought it would be, but together we can do it..unlike you I haven't made it out as yet, Keep trying Everyone says, so that's what I'm doing as you are,

That was nice to here you spoke to your mum for a long time. Being their for each other is magic.

I have been reading and replied a few times but deleted the posts, When I have this overwhelming sadness my mind goes foggy and my words don't come out right.

Please forgive my short post, I do care about you.

Kindness only,

Grandy

[Chicken_Wings]

Oh Grandy,

Im thinking of you and sending you strength. If you can’t leave the house at least try and step into the sunlight when you can.

I went outside for a few minutes the other day and it really did help. Look into the distance and see what you can see, look for birds in the trees and see what they are up to.

Even if you cry whilst you are doing it, that’s ok.

The reason I’m trying so hard is that I know it’s possible. I’ve been here before and I’ve found wellness before. I promise it’s possible.

I haven’t eaten much if I’m honest and I know it has an effect on me. I know I need to feed myself to get better. I know this and yet it is still hard.

Last night I ate a slice of pizza. Today I have eaten an apple. There is a nectarine on my desk waiting for me and it’s my goal to eat it soon.

They day it is always darkest before the dawn. So I will assume this is my darkness and my dawn will come soon.

[Ggrand]

Hello Chicken Wings,

Im pleased you are eating, just wondering if you are a vegetarian? If not you really need some protein even if you are you still need protein for your muscles.

I went outside this morning for an hour, I enjoyed it, I have a large grazing paddock across the road from my home, there are cows that I like watching, a huge gumtree is on the council strip across the road, it has lots of our feathered friends resting their, a few bird baths and feeders in my yard are nice to watch as well

I am listening to the ones like yourself who have made it out, it's a dream of mine, to make it out. I know you will make it out and over the top enough to close the lid on the tunnel and padlock it shut. You are really strong and corageous enough to do that. I'm so proud of your way of thinking. You will win this,

Kindness only.

Grandy.

[Chicken_Wings]

Oh I would love to be able to walk to see some cows Grandy!

I’m not vegetarian, I’m just not that interested in most food at the moment, so I’m just eating what I can. I’ve just finished my nectarine.

I will see if I can eat some broccoli, that has lots of protein. I know we have some fish at home but that’s a bit of a pipe dream at the moment.

There is no other way to think of this than as a journey I will complete (and you will too). No matter how hard it seems in this moment, this is not forever.

[Ggrand]

I usually watch the cows through the day for mindfulness, at night because there are no street lights in our little village, the night time is my mindfulness with the stars, they are amazing.

Broccoli is good for iron and protein, it's good if you could maybe boil an egg as well, both together will be substantially healthy, we should eat every day, 4 colours of veggies, orange, yellow, white, green. Ie carrot, beans, potato, broccoli they are just examples of the colour group.

No it's not forever, we will complete it. I'm putting my trust into so many people here that believe we will. (your one of them).

I wish sometimes that we could put some photos in here, I would send you the paddock and tree across the road, but I can understand why we can't.

Is it anxiety that causes you not to want to eat?

Grandy.

[Chicken_Wings]

I can’t say for sure what causes my lack of appetite. I’d say it’s my anxiety.

When it’s really bad I can’t stand the smell of food, but at the moment I’m just not hungry. Even when food is right in front of me I have no interest in it.

Make sure you trust yourself too Grandy. Even when it’s hard, believe you can do it. Belief is a powerful thing.

I know I also need to work on relaxing my body as well as my mind. Because I catch myself being very tense often, which makes things worse.

Im going to really try to eat some veggies tonight. Being good to yourself can be hard sometimes!

[Ggrand]

Hello Chicken Wings,

Your last sentence is so true.

Well done in trying to eat more,

My body is not tense it's more shakey most of the time. I get anxiety to the extent that it shakes, people think I'm shivering,

I understand about the eating when anxiety is high.

[Chicken_Wings]

I’m so proud of myself! I ate a small fillet of fish, some broccoli and string beans.

now of course im worried that it won’t make the difference I hope it does. But I’m going to try and not focus on that now and instead try and just focus on how well I just did.

[Chicken_Wings]

So with food in my tummy and a fairly good nights sleep I went to work nervous but hopeful.

It started off a bit rocky but improved to the point where I forgot for a little while that I haven’t been well.

I made it between 10am and 4pm with little anxiety. Only when it was time to leave did I really start to notice that tense feeling creeping back.

I’ve come home and competed the exercises from my psych.

I know I’m not ‘better’ and there is defiantly more work to do (as evidenced by my tears upon arriving home) but days like today give me hope that I can make it. I can be me again.

I will probably still have more anxious moments tonight and will probably cry some more, but it’s a small price to pay for what has possibly been my best day in weeks.

Im scared this is fleeting, I’m scared that it will go away, but its ok to have those worries, as long as I don’t let them take hold.

I can still feel my sadness too, but I also laughed a genuine laugh today. That’s really something.

[Chicken_Wings]

I’ve made it all the way to lunchtime and this is my first episode of Anxiety.

Im honestly scared that the tense brain feeling isn’t just my anxiety. I was doing really really well and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere I get this weird tense, zap in my brain.