I’m back and I need support

[Chicken_Wings]

I haven’t posted in a long time. I haven’t exactly been “well” the whole time, but I’ve been pretty good. It seems though that I’m starting to experience another low.

There are a number of things which seem to have lead to the feelings I’m having right now.

My mum has been diagnosed with cancer and it’s terminal.

I’ve just had another birthday, the older I get the less I look forward to them as they remind me of what I haven’t done.

Just came back from a trip to see mum (who used to be my go-to support person) and I can see she’s gotten worse. I don’t feel it’s fair any more to ask her to be my shoulder when I need one as she has enough on her plate.

Ive noticed that she is beginning to use me as her emotional support which means I put effort into appearing positive for her.

My boyfriend is not very helpful with my anxiety and depression as he also has anxiety and deals with it completely differently.

I feel like these things have built up on me a bit and now I’m feeling tense and anxious. I’m scared and sad and feeling isolated.

My fear is manifesting itself into pyhsical symptoms now. I’m not eating that well and I feel like my brain isn’t as quick as it has been, like I can’t keep up.

I kind of just need to tell someone these things and hopefully hear that it’s ok to feel this way. That this is temporary and that with effort I can feel like myself again.

[Ggrand]

Hello Chicken Wings,

I've been listening to you honey, I am so proud that you seem to be eating a little better, please keep that up as it will help you to heal quicker,.

How good was it for me to hear that you had a better day the other day then you've had for a while, and to top off a good day, you had a laugh, well done,

I think only my thoughts that the tense feeling in your brain is tension, maybe try to relax and do some distraction when you feel it.

Crying is a great release of stress and anxiety, some people release there anxiety by anger, I release mine like you in tears. Its ok to cry, to release your emotions and fear.

Know that I'm listening always, I'm still trying to get over this hurdle, it's a hard high hurdle, nut I will manage it soon I hope. I'm so really proud of you,you are stepping up from baby steps to toddler steps. You deserve peace and happiness, Care for you honey.

Kindness always,

Grandy.

[Chicken_Wings]

It’s nice to know you’re there Grandy.

How were the cows today? Have you had any nice birds visit?

I woke up this morning and had a little cry before work. Not sure if it was nerves or something else, but I just needed to before I could start.

I got to work and set my mind on my tasks. I had a few moments when my mind drifted to anxious thoughts, but overall I’ve made it to the evening without too much trouble.

I’m writing now as a way to control those anxious thoughts. I’m boiling some water to make some pasta for dinner. I had salad for lunch.

Ive made some nice plans for my weekend in the hopes that I will keep them.

[Ggrand]

Hello CW,

It makes me happy that your having pasta tonight, I did have Pasta as well. Ahh great minds think alike..

I think it's okay to cry before work or anytime if we need to, I mean our emotions are there and imo if there to much of one emotion happening we need to get rid of some of it so our mind makes us cry.

Well done bring your thought back to what you were doing, that's being mindful, it's good to try to practice mindfulness daily, Have you checked out the mindfulness thread yet, you can learn a lot from the suggestions of others and their techniques. Maybe when you need some distraction you can check it out.

I really really hope your plans for the week end ends up a big go for it, please try to keep them if you can. as you said they are "nice plans". Looking forward to hearing about your week end after you've done what you planned.

Kind thoughts only,

Grandy.

[Chicken_Wings]

Thanks for the encouragement Grandy.

Ive been feeling ok most of today. I little tense at the moment but I plan on putting the thoughts aside and doing something else.

I have a mindfulness app on my phone, sometimes I’m too tense to get into it, but I try and be as mindful as I can.

I hope you’re having a good day and have enjoyed some sunshine.

[Ggrand]

Hello CW,

Well done on getting through your day feeling mostly okay.

I have 5 mindful apps on my phone and ipad lol I've overdone it a bit, but they are all different in there own way, my favourite is called the "insight app". it has guided meditation for morning, day, and night. It also has a lot of relaxing music. I use this most nights.

Hows your weekend plans going, are you going to stick to them? I remember reading they are nice plans.

I am going to try and plan some kind of outing on the weekends from now on. I think I might go and visit someone I haven't seen for a few months, she's in the next town from me.

Thank you for giving me the idea to do this. I really need to get my life in some kind of order instead of laying around the home all day, or else I will never get better. I have to try and boot anxiety out through the ears.

Kindness only,

Grandy,

[Chicken_Wings]

I’m about to do my exercises from my psychologist. It’s good timing because I’m feeling anxious.

My plans are still in place. The first one is only tentative and a tiny part of me hopes it gets cancelled. But I also know I need this.

Im glad to hear you are going out. Connecting with people and feeling like there is a purpose to your day is so good for you. And you’ll get home afterwards and feel good about yourself.

I like to make plans were I’m active, like going for walks or doing a task together, even just something like doing a puzzle. Although just sitting and talking is lovely too.

I’m a little nervous that today hasn’t been as successful as yesterday. But I can’t expect things to be perfect. I will probably have a little cry now when I do my exercises and it’s probably exactly what I need. I have another psychologist appointment on Monday and that is also something I’m looking forward to.

I hope you make your plans for the weekend Grandy. I hope doing them makes you happy.

CW

[Steph2]

Hi CW,

I thought I would come on here and let you know your doing so well.

You are listening to your body. If you need to have a good cry, let it out. (pop on the movie "marley and me" - It will make you laugh and cry).

You will have your good and bad days, the fact is you are living those days.

I am glad you are seeking help and are feeling positive about it.

Sending you lots of comfort and support.

Steph

[Ggrand]

Hello Chicken Wings, (Waves to Steph2, ).

How did your weekend go, I hope it went well for you and you enjoyed it. I decided to go and visit my friend yesterday, I stayed for a couple of hours then went home. She came came to mine today and has now gone, so I'm now watching the Olympics.

It would be so great if Everyday day was just that little bit better then the day before, but nope, some days are going to better and some days a little worse then the day before, all we can do is the best we can daily, and I think you do amazingly well.

Ive seen Marley and Me, its a good movie, I loved it. but one of my problems is with sad movies I get to emotional and cry but then I'm triggered because of memories and cry some more, I usually select programs that I think will be ok.

I used to like walking, so well done there, I am getting back into doing them now, thanks to my Mental Health care team. I really need to change my life, how, I don't know but I need to so badly. I play some games on my iPad, mainly word games or solitaire, for a bit of a challenge what games do you play, if it ok to ask.

I hope your week end has been good for you,

Grandy.

[Chicken_Wings]

Thanks for your support Steph. I have a song that makes me cry every time I really need to, so I can always turn to that when I need it.

On Saturday I went to the zoo. It was lovely to see the animals and we were there for about 3.5 hours. It wasn’t until the end that I started to feel anxious and when I came home I had a little nap. But I made sure I got up again when I woke up.

Then on Sunday I went to the shops to get some things I needed. The weekend before I couldn’t go so I consider that progress!

Then I came home and did some gardening and had a skype with my mum. We did some art together.

I like games on my iPad too. I like word games and also strategy games like Monument Valley. That one is really relaxing to look at and has lovely music, but it’s also a puzzle.

I’m seeing my psychologist again today and hopefully she will be pleased with my progress.

Walking is really good for your mental health, maybe you can walk around and take some pictures of things? Sort of walking with a purpose, so your mind is actively looking for good photo subjects rather than focusing on your thoughts?

[Chicken_Wings]

Im tired today and so I knew my anxious symptoms would be a bit worse today. Still, I don’t enjoy them.

Its always disheartening to feel my anxious symptoms creep back, even though I know I’ve made progress.

I went to see my psychologist this afternoon and had a good session and I have more exercises to do. I’m about to read over them.

I really hope that my progress continues.

I also just got a message from my mum that she had her latest checkup and everything is stable and the cancer that had spread to her liver is gone. It’s heartening news.