I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

hey james

so far it is working... I'm noticing bigger changes at a deeper level

those 2 dopes dont matter anymore tbh...

but i have to be patient... and not go over the top just yet

there is still plenty of work to do..

thanks though

🙂

[HamSolo01]

hey

posted this on SANE

I agree, depression does play havoc with our self esteem and meeting new people.
I don't think I love myself enough at this point and maybe this is what is holding me back? I often wonder why this is the case but then I think it is because I simply see so many people around me doing better for
themselves and getting places (particularly in the lead up to graduation). Just now I checked facebook and saw 2 people I know post updates about where they were heading in life... I just got majorly depressed because I'm still here.. not progressing.. and then I get even more depressed and annoyed at myself. I don't think I even see the happy non-depressed Hamsolo.. it's just an act that I put on. If I let my true feelings show then people would abandon me altogether. I'm just so anxious about my life over the next year tbh.. That's taking my attention away from socialising and making new friends and all that sort of stuff. I have no money and I have very little social interaction... so i am very depressed at the moment and I haven't got a temper to handle people's stupid concerns.. making me grumpy and annoyed at everyone.. because I'm just so worried and anxious over next year.. The reality is that I'm not going to be comfortable with who I am UNTIL I know what I am doing next year. Or at the very least, organising stable work that I can start ASAP in order to have a basis to work off of. But
even that is very hard. My degree requires so much god damn networking too... and I can't do that because of my anxiety and depression... so i just feel like a tragic loser who won't get anywhere in life because of his anxiety... a great mind wasted... On the positive side, I'm trying to build up rapport with one of my lecturers
to get him as a reference. Hopefully that helps. I might get some ideas from him actually.. ask him what I should do and where I should go.. actually yeh... might be a good idea for some ideas hey? Either way... Life is hard at the moment in the lead up to graduation. My independence won't ever suffer. That is something I value too much. It's so hard at the moment...

Wanted to post this here too because I need help as much as possible....

[HamSolo01]

i want to hurt myself again..

[HamSolo01]

I am worried and anxious every day that I will fail at life
I know I'm only young but I seriously feel like I will become a laughing stock of everyone... then everyone will say "i told you so"
I am sick of being so alone all the time.. I struggle to socialise... even though I know I can do it... Peoeple treat me different because I'm too tall...
I can't handle people anymore with their silly problems... people just abandon me and think I'm being rude or something... but I'm not... I'm just sick of stupid people and I'm also anxious...
I have no idea what to do with my life at all..
Every weekend is horrible. I have nothing to do except be on my own.
Rarely do things get organised and happen... I have nothing else to live for...
I have no proper job because my university timetable is terribly organised (beyond my control) and I have no money left... I feel like a loser who still depends on his parents for support...
I'm sick of medication...
If nothing gets offered to me at the end of the year (highly likely) then I'm going to end it.
I can't handle living like this.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry to read how you are feeling at the moment, I think part of the issue is you put so much pressure on yourself to keep up with people you see out or on Facebook... you have to try and remember that every single person is dealing with something and just because they do not post about it doesn't mean something isn't happening in their life, the more we try to compare the more we almost feel like we have failed because we aren't further along than that person or doing better than this person. The only person you are competing with is yourself and just trying to do as well as you can do. Your sole focus should be getting yourself better mentally and working on your career path, as you said dealing with other peoples silly problems at the moment won't help you. I have been there many times on weekends with nothing to do as I have struggled with friends my whole life so I know the feeling as well.

It worries me that you say if nothing get's offered to you by the end of the year then you are going to end it. Think about all the work you have put in to get to the graduation and pass, that is a huge achievement in itself, I know many graduates who struggle initially to get a job, it is not easy but just need to keep going and keep applying.

You said it at the start of your 3rd last post, you don't think you love yourself enough which is holding you back, I think this is true and the old saying goes, you can't love someone until you love yourself, you are doing so well, you need to keep the counselling up and just keep talking.

You have many people on these forums who care about you, so please keep talking.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Your posts have thrown me. Last time you posted like this I took it seriously and freaked out and in the next few days your mood improved. So I'm not sure if you are trying to express how much pain you're in or if you are at risk.

Firstly...if you are going to hurt yourself do not be alone. You know what you need to do to be safe. So do it if you feel suicidal. Medical assistance and surround yourself with people.

I think it is time to go have words with your psychiatrist. Short term you can manage mood swings but long term they just exhaust you and it starts feeling hopeless (speaking from experience). So time to ask what the next option is because this works for a bit and then you hit a low over and over. Have you made it clear to the psychiatrist that the suicidal thoughts return frequently? If not he needs to know this.

Secondly, my psychiatrist told me I see my life only in the extremes. That if it isnt perfect it is catastrophic. Do you think you do this too? I see a hell of a lot of good and progress. You see hopeless. You are your own worst critic. Noone sees you how you see yourself. So please give yourself a break! You are ok just as you are.

More to come sorry...

[Quercus]

Part two...

Thirdly, no amount of advice or pep talk or empathy is going to change the fact that it is YOU that needs to make changes to feel better. Noone can force you to feel hopeful and willing to try. Noone can decide for you to face your problems because they are personal.

Work for example. What do you want to do? Bugger the degree. What do YOU want to do? Have a long term plan. No use saying I want to travel but I can't because I have no money. Plan a working holiday. Backpackers do it here all the time. Or find any job and save with travel in 5 years time in mind. Not everything will happen now and thats ok. Everyone struggles with money. That is reality. You've got to be patient and stubborn and creative.

Intimacy keeps cropping up in your thoughts as a major problem. You need to address this because it is hammering your self esteem. Dory mentioned professionals. Personally I think asking a friend. Or make a conscious choice to abstain. Virginity is not the problem... How you feel about it is.

Anger... You have a lot of it. I'm not judging because I do too. But you do need to hear this... If you keep lashing out at people you will push them away. They won't leave because they don't care about you they'll leave because you are pushing them away.

Take the forums for example. Your last post you said if nothing had changed you would kill yourself. Can you see how others reading that would feel anxious and you're pushing us away? I felt like if I can't help you then you will take your life. It is a horrible hopeless feeling. Part of me recoils because I don't want to feel responsible for letting you down. And hopeless because it is up to you to take action we can only watch helplessly. Can you see this?

I'm not saying to stop expressing yourself. Just to look at what you say in terms of why am I lashing out? Am I self sabotaging again.
I'm sorry for the mum rant again. I do care. I am worried. But only you can take action to help yourself offline. We are your empathetic cheer squad.

Take care of yourself please HamSolo01.

[HamSolo01]

i am over worrying aboutvwhat others think and feel... because i have been doing this for my whole life..

its gotten me nowhere

i mean it when i say i will end it all if nothing happens next year

its too late for anything to change.. so this is my last hope

my youth is gone and i wont get it back..

there is too much darkness i have to combat everyday and its a drag.. i will be alone forever and i turn 24 next week.. i dont want to turn 24..

i want to get into a graduate program because that will help with everything

self improvement bores me because i cant change... ive tried it all...

i dont see any worth in things and this is why i will end it if i dont get a graduate offer at the end of the year... its simple really

i know you probably dont want to hear it. but i dont care what people think anymore because thryv abandoned me already and i havent done anything..

ive screwed myself over and there is very little i can do to change it..

i will die a single depressed loner who struggled immensely at nothing and couldnt do anything... i dont deserve anything

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Right. I'm getting a bit angry actually. Because you are smarter than this. And it really feels like you're just giving up without a fight.

Go to the psychiatrist. Please! Show him the posts. Be blunt. I need your help! I am giving myself time frames for when I'm going to die. This is not ok.

I remember standing at the sink washing dishes and actually shaking my head randomly to try distract myself from the pity party. It would work for a second. And then the plans and thoughts came right back. I couldn't outrun these demons on my own. Self help is necessary but sometimes we just cannot do it without help.

All the self help in the world is not going to change how hard you're being on yourself. Ok so if you get a graduate position it might be ok... But more likely the self hate will move into another aspect. I'm tall. I'm anxious. I'm inexperienced. This is the illness speaking. Magnifying. Catastrophising. It's not how others see you!

So ask! Go to the people who are professionally trained in helping when it gets too much. Speak up! Try new meds. Try new therapy. Try anything! What have you got to lose if you're planning on harming yourself?

To the ER again if you can't get in contact with your psychiatrist or psychologist or GP. Do not let them send you away.

[HamSolo01]

at the moment this forum is all i have