I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

Hey

Thanks for your check in

I did speak to them yes. Need to look into family-based therapy. Considering I live at home it's best if it becomes an environment conducive to understanding each other.

I'm feeling relatively better. The whole relationship thing still bugs me on a deep level, but deleting the apps helped. Sometimes I just need to shut away the world. I plan on hitting up the gym again soon, haven't been for close to a week but then that's life - weekend was rough and ANZAC day today too.

The loneliness I feel on a daily basis is to be expected. Just need to soak it up some days.

But yeh, thanks for checking in. 🙂

Peace

[Quercus]

Hi again 😊

You're sounding a little low again compared to your previous postive and upbeat posts. Are you really doing ok?

I'm glad you spoke to your family and hope you're getting more support there.

On another thread a member said something about your dreams being just as hungry as your demons and I was wondering what are your dreams for your future? You've almost finished uni what kind of job or work experience would you enjoy? Would you take time off and travel?

I'm glad you have plans to hit the gym but how did your other plans go? Did you go out with your friends? Why was the weekend so rough? Just ignore me if you don't want to answer anything ok.

I get where you're coming from about wanting to shut out the world (I get like that and won't leave the house for days sometimes) but it has never helped me. What does help is to make appointments and plans in advance to force myself out of the house. My friend asked me at uni once if you are lonely what are you doing about helping yourself? It was a harsh question but very true.

So my idea for you today... (Just ignore me if it's crap)... Write a list of all the activites you would like to do or try and slowly work on them. Be as random as possible. Try something different. At my local library there is a poster with free events for the year. I want to go to the introduction to beekeeping talk. And today I took the kids for a bush walk through a nature reserve with an old train tunnel. We took torches and explored. There were so many people there riding bikes or walking.

I'm thinking of you and hoping you can get back into your positive space soon. Have you read the thread "do you love yourself?" I'm finding it really helpful to read.

Take care HamSolo01.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Quercus has asked some really great question above so I do hope you may be able to answer some of them.

I like the idea of family based counselling, having a strong support network is huge especially within your own home, have that openness to talk to your family about stuff is a great asset to have.

The loneliness will come and go, I have been there before as well, it can feel so low but keep working on getting yourself better and you will find things may start looking up for you in turn.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

I'd take time to travel but I need money for that. So my focus on is making it and then spending it on a holiday. Haven't been overseas since 2009 because I've had no money. I've had no money because I haven't had the ability to work enough (because uni is stupid with their timetabling and my anxiety/depression was/is through the roof)

That whole forcing myself out of the house really does help. I try to at least do SOMETHING each day. Even if it's basic, but lately I've found each day is filled with something. Keeping myself busy is the trick I think. Lists are also really good.

I haven't read the "do you love yourself" thread. Where is it? sounds like it would help

thanks again

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

The thread I mentioned is in

Forums / Staying well / Do You Love Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

The staying well section has a lot of excellent threads to keep your spirits up and get some good ideas. I hope it helps you too.

Travel doesn't have to be overseas (just a thought). At uni we car pooled and all chipped in and did trips to different areas in WA. Camped a lot and listened to a lot of music. Went to lots of beaches. Met loads of people who were also travelling on the cheap. I loved it.

You said you have some good friends who you are comfortable with so why not make plans to explore your own backyard 😊.

As for lists that is a great idea! What about a bucket list sort of thing where you list all the experiences you want out of life. You said you get down about not having a relationship but that's no reason not to enjoy your life. You have friends and family and people who love you so rope them in to have fun with you 😊

Start out by ticking off small things and work up to adventurous if you feel like it. My list would include lots of things like have a bonfire and toast marshmallows with the kids, go fishing, try a new bushwalk, have a waterballoon fight in a park, learn a music instrument..... What about you?

God my mood swings are nuts. Was so down yesterday and now all positive. I know which mood I like better 😊

[Quercus]

Haha you've inspired a new thread! I made it. Hope you can think of some ideas too 😊

Forums / Staying well / Let's find the JOY in life!

[BballJ]

Hi Hamsolo01,

Firstly, quality posts from Quercus, I see you two are clicking which is great.

Just wanted to add in my 2 cents for what they are worth, I like Quercus' idea of getting some friends and travelling in your own backyard... there are many great places to visit in this great country and heck just a weekend away camping and fishing and being around nature can be so good for your health, mentally and physically. I like the list idea too.

Keep your head up as much as possible and try to remain as positive as you can.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

Well if i had friends who i could trust and had a decent car to do both of those with then i would... and money too... like these things dont come free. I swear all anyone suggests is just ill-thought out solutions.

Then again maybe I haven't been too clear myself idk..

Put it this way. There's only so much hope for a depressed 23 year old male virgin graduating from uni with an arts degree that took 4 years to complete. I'll probably end up forced into a shit job I hate because I didn't take the opportunities as they came to me at uni because i was too shy or anxious to do anything about it despite the fact that I can overcome it I still didn't - it was too uncomfortable.

So while your suggestions are probably helpful for the vast majority of people who deal with this, don't make blatant suggestions about what will work like car trips and holidays... Be realistic or I'll not even bother coming on here...

[james1]

Hey Hamsolo,

I remember seeing you on in the Friends Cafe. As you may know, I'm 25 and I graduated a few years ago but went back to try an honours degree

I dunno mate, you sound pretty beat up about what the future holds for you. It's okay to feel that way, but it still hurts really badly to think about.

In the early part of my degree I really tried meeting lots of girls too. I came from a male only school so...yeah. I was pretty sick of guys, lol. But I'm pretty shy too so things just didn't work out and I kind of gave up.

Anyway, my point is I get where you're coming from. I know it doesn't make it easier for you that someone else gets you, but 3 years on, I'm still here trying to find my way through. Recently single and wanting to get out of my job, but at least I now know that banking isn't for me.

The thing that worked for me, and which you seem to be doing, is just to do stuff. Anything that you can do. We miss opportunities all the time - I majorly f'd up a relationship hence why Im' single now, and missed a few good job opps too - but they will keep coming.

The more we do stuff, the more opportunities come up. So it's great that you're hitting the gym and even that you're deleting the apps. I think that shows you're trying to get control back over your life and eventually good things will come from that. But it does require the hard work that you've been putting in, so keep it up.

Sorry I can't be more specific, but I really feel like you're on the right path by trying to test things yourself, and we can be here to support you and help you think through things.

James

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Wow.

Firstly, I get your point and part of me is glad that you're being open and actually writing when I say something that upsets you. This is your thread and if you need to vent than this is the place to say what you feel.

I am genuinely sorry if you feel like I'm just throwing thoughtless advice at you. I am just trying to help you feel better about yourself and it makes me feel sick to my stomach that I've made you feel worse.

The other part of me needs to point out something that is equally important. Every word on here (yours and others) comes from a person who is equally as real and vulnerable as yourself. So when you lash out in future can you please stop for a second and see if what you're writing could really hurt others? Not a nice thing to say to you I'm sorry but necessary. I have depression too (and a history of being abused by a man) so when you lashed out and wrote:

don't make blatant suggestions about what will work like car trips and holidays... Be realistic or I'll not even bother coming on here...

That really upset me because I'm doing the best I can and the way that was worded made me feel threatened.

I hope we can move forward. I hope you keep talking and keep seeking help and support.

Ok. Practical advice. You sound really angry and upset. Have you got an appointment with your psychologist? It sounds like it's time to check in with them or your GP. I'm a bit frazzled I can't remember... Are you on medication? How are they working for you?

I need to get offline for a bit. Got to take my kids for a playdate. I will write more when I'm home. Please take care of yourself HamSolo01 and I am truly sorry for upsetting you.