I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

Thanks for you help people.

To be honest at times it is best to soak up the depression. Let it hit you like a buss. Just absorb it up and soak it up like a sponge. Then when the time is right you can wring it out. In moments like these there's nothing you can do because you don't trust yourself. There's no point seeking help because you start disagreeing with all of it. The best thing to do is shut up and let it hit you head on. These past few weeks I feel like I've been trying to hide from it. But maybe, just maybe by accepting that it can hit me I will be better for it in the long run. It may take a few weeks but I think it's time I really just copped the whole of it. I've only ever been suicidal when I try to run from my depression/anxiety, because to me that is an option of getting away from it. I still think life itself is okay. It's not wonderful, but it's not terrible either. Just seems like it's more of the latter at the moment is all. Maybe by letting it hit me it will mould me some more. It will break me where I need to be broken and build me up. I really don't know though because my options are running out..

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Wow your last post has me stunned. I'm envious of your bravery. I'm afraid of being overwhelmed by my depression so the idea of just letting it hit you and try to hold on terrifies me. But I'm also very worried about you at the same time.

You are an adult and the choice to get and accept help has to be your decision. We are here to talk whatever you decide to do. But my advice would be to call your GP or psychiatrist first and tell them what's happening so that there is someone aware and able to help you if you get overwhelmed.

You said you can still see that there are good things in the world.... Do you think you could try pick something small every day to do that is just for you to bring you some enjoyment? Like go for a walk or take a new book and sit in the sun and read it. Just simple things. I don't know if it will help you but I find it gives me a small measure of peace to do something every day that is just for me to remind me that I deserve to be happy.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Quercus

Thanks again for your reply. I appreciate it a lot, I really do 🙂

I rang lifeline today and spoke to them. Basically figured out that I need to tell my folks about how bad it is at the moment. Going to work on what to say. Told my mum that I wanted to speak to both of them about it. I find it's best to prepare them for that. But I need to make sure I tell them JUST how bad it can get (And indeed is at the moment)

Picking small things each day is a good idea. Today I went to ServiceNSW (to get a driving record for a graduate opportunity) and the chemist to get my meds. Basically I just have a list of things to get through. That takes my focus off of the depression. I started watching a new show too. Going to get some reading done as well. I figured that while things are bad at the moment, use that time to focus on me. Focus on doing things for me that are good, things that have the potential to help me. I think it's just a process of that for now.
Also going to try organising something with 3 friends (dinner at the pub or something idk). Doesn't sound like much, but it's a big step in the right direction too. I've deleted all the dating apps (tinder, okcupid etc) because that wasn't helping my self esteem (no response I felt terrible, a response I felt on top of the world)... The high it gave was so not worth it.

I can already see that I'm up for a challenge. There will be tears and pain, but it's all for the better.

I'll keep you updated. Thanks again.

Peace 🙂

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sounds like calling the helpline has helped you! You sound a lot more hopeful in your last post it is fantastic to read that.

Telling your family honestly how you are feeling is another great step forwards. I hope to hear it went well and that you have some more support around you.

It's such a good thing to hear you are taking your own needs seriously and putting things in place to take care of yourself.

Also your idea about the apps seems like a sound idea too. When I was at my worst at uni (first major depression) I started a relationship with a friend and we were both pretty messed up and hated ourselves for various reasons. It felt pretty awful to know I was using him to learn that not all men are abusive and that he was using me to build up his low self esteem and figure out his sexuality. We may have learnt from eachother but we both ended up pretty hurt by the time we worked out you can't build a relationship on that. So my point is that I find it a really positive thing you are doing for yourself long term to sort out yourself first and make your mental health a priority over the desire for a relationship.

I hope you feel able to let us know how you progress and if you work out things that help you.

Hopeful for you 😊

[Spearmint]

Hi Ham, Sorry to hear of your struggles.

I understand that it's frustrating & painful to not meet those relationship/physical intimacy milestones at the same time that other people around you have. You are not alone in this & I hope that you take some comfort in that. I know quite a few people who didn't have any intimate contact until well into adult life.

Despite physical attractiveness, social anxiety can make very it hard & the more you feel like you are "behind" the more out of reach it seems, then you end up putting more pressure on yourself & the situation which becomes a cycle.

I also felt way behind when it came to having a relationship compared to my friends & I struggled badly with social anxiety. It wasn't until I had given up hope that I randomly met someone who was patient enough to get to know me, for me to feel comfortable & to climb the walls I had built up around myself. I thought it would never happen & it caused me a lot of stress.

Without the pressure of intimacy, how do you go talking to girls in general? Do you have much social contact with the girls that go to your uni?

Good on you for having a go at putting yourself out there, instead of seeing it as a failure see it as practice. The more pressure you are putting on yourself to achieve an outcome, the more strained your interactions & anxiety will be. If you instead take sex off the table & focus on trying to find women you can connect & become comfortable around.

That age is hard, girls do still tend to go for bad boys although not always. As they get older & have had experiences being treated badly, they no longer are willing to put up with crap. Women then usually begin to look for men who will treat them with respect but are also confident & secure within themselves. I think nice guys get a bad wrap, I don't think it's necessarily the nice part that's the problem but if they allow themselves to be walked all over and generally have a "spineless" vibe, that is the quality that leaves men in the friend zone.

My advice to you is to discover who you are & to do what you can to get in a healthy head space & develop self confidence. (easier said than done I know) . Keep practicing having interactions with women so you can learn to become more comfortable around them but try not to allow rejection to be taken personally.

Like other people have said here, taking care of yourself & your mental health is paramount.

Take care, try not to be so hard on yourself.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Wow, calling the helpline really did you wonders, telling your parents is a great, great idea and getting them on your side and supporting you will help a lot I think. A big part of recovery is having a support network around you weather friends or family or both. Have you also considered telling a close friend to gain there support?

I also highly agree with your list of stuff to do and slowly getting them done, there is no race to run and doing them at your pace is the best thing. I do a lot of distracting tasks to take the mind of my mental health issues as well, weather it be being with family or friends, talking to people, doing work etc Getting rid of the dating apps is a good idea, it's all superficial and really does more harm than good so I like that idea. You really do seem to be on the fence and getting back to a healthy happy lifestyle. You can do it, just keep reminding yourself of where you want to be - write it down even and have it as a goal.

May I ask, what TV show have you started watching? I wouldn't mind a new one to start watching.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

Spearmint - hey, you are dead on when you say "Despite physical attractiveness, social anxiety can make very it hard & the more you feel like you are "behind" the more out of reach it seems, then you end up putting more pressure on yourself & the situation which becomes a cycle."

I find talking to girls in general is fine, and that's an improvement considering I went to a co-ed high school but had no female friends. I was in the nerdy/christian/loser crowd (despite the fact it was a christian school... i was still in the nerdy group lol). When I went to uni, I remember resolving that I would make new friends who were female (I knew enough dudes and I was sick of it.) I'm glad I did, I've met a number of females and it's helped a hell of a lot. Except the thing is I'm still too shy to approach ones I find attractive. Happens EVERY semester. I see a gorgeous girl in the same class but I don't act on it. What pesters me even more is when people say I must have it good. Just because I'm tall. Honestly it's not the 50s lol.

There have been 2 or 3 instances where something could've happened but it just fizzled out because I was too shy to do anything, too apprehensive, too worried. Just screwed me up, one girl told me that mental health issues weren't even a thing. Anyway, I'm in my last semester now and I feel like the clock has run out and it's all over for me. I keep hearing that uni is the best time to meet new people. Maybe in the 80s it was. But in this day and age no one is interested because of the typical social justice warrior culture. There's that whole 'he could be a creep vibe' that guys need to jump past. I think I can do that but it's like. Once I do I dunno how to flirt etc.

Having said all that I've started to just own my decisions. Being honest with myself is the start. I need to realise that in this day and age it's not so much who you've slept with but it's how you own the decisions you make. I don't think people are dirty for hooking up. The simple thing is I'm not into it. That's my choice. Either you respect it or you can rack off lol. But then of course no one wants to be alone. In the end all I can do is have a faint hope that one day something impossible will happen and I'll meet someone who ticks all the boxes. Until then I'm just going to focus on fixing myself and respecting myself. I'm hitting up the gym. Regular psych appointments. Focusing on uni. Focusing on tutoring. Just doing what's gotta be done.
Thanks 🙂

[Quercus]

Hey HamSolo01,

Just butting in for a second to be a cheer squad of one 😊

I saw how you wrote...

"I'm just going to focus on fixing myself and respecting myself. I'm hitting up the gym. Regular psych appointments. Focusing on uni. Focusing on tutoring. Just doing what's gotta be done."

And I cheered for you! It's so good to see you in a better more hopeful place.

The gym is a great idea! Even better is if you join a gym that you can keep going to once you finish uni. The benefit of becoming a regular is that you'll meet other regulars at the gym and hopefully make some new friends over time.

Don't worry about who people thought you were at school. It's all past. There's nothing wrong with being nerdy or Christian (I'm both actually haha) 😊 and you are most definately not a loser and funnily enough neither am I.

Cheering for you 😊 Take care

[Spearmint]

Good on you, it sounds like you really are making great, healthy choices for yourself, you should be very proud of yourself. Being that you can talk to women in general is a really good sign, that is already a big step in the right direction.

I'm not into the whole hook up culture either, it was never for me.

Having a real connection with someone is kind of rare so don't be thrown off by rejections, it's almost lifes way of weeding out the people who aren't right for you. If you have a real connection with someone, they're not going to scare off so easily unless they're carrying baggage from past relationships, etc.

I wouldn't even really try too hard at flirting if it doesn't feel comfortable and natural to you plus you don't want to come off as sleazy. Slow it down and try to just get to know girls you're attracted to without freaking out about having to make a move. Focus on trying to develop a friendship with a girl you're attracted to first, that way you can learn to become comfortable around someone you have a spark with, then when you feel safe to move forward then you can at your own pace.

It's lucky you didn't end up with the girl that thinks mental health issues aren't real. Just a tip, just because you're attracted to someone, doesn't mean they are a healthy person for you. Make sure you consciously choose someone who is right for you.

Also remember that there are a lot of women out there who are just as anxious talking to men as you are to them. What are the types of women you are going for? I ask because I have heard a lot of nice guys complain about women wanting bad boys when they themselves are chasing the wild, confident, party girls and not getting anywhere so it's pretty much the same thing haha.

You need to stop believing that this is something that is impossible, your brain has a way of making your beliefs a reality. If you believe it's impossible, your brain will block you so to speak and make you feel more anxious during interactions, it becomes self fulfilling.

I think you will be fine, if you just take the pressure off yourself, believe that it is possible for you, keep working on yourself, it will happen in time.

Good luck!

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Just popping by to see how you're feeling. Did you manage to have the discussion with your family? How did it go?

I hope you're feeling a bit better in yourself focusing on yourself. How are you going with the gym?

Anyway just hoping you are well. Take care 😊