I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

I like what Jay said about seeing your psych (hmm Jay first on CMF's thread and now here... you keep reading my mind 😊).

Time to check in with the psych and get some help to back on track. Check your meds, regroup and keep trying. This will pass but maybe it will help to ask for support until it does.

I keep meaning to ask you what came of the group therapy? Have you kept up with it? If not why don't you go back it helped last time you went.

Right. Well money is an ongoing theme. So what are you doing about it? Have you applied for any more jobs? I'm only being harsh because this sounds like me... I get ideas and then stop trying and get angry and frustrated at myself. So pick yourself up HamSolo01 and keep trying please. You have plenty to skills to offer but you've got to put yourself out there first. Don't worry about what the job is just focus on getting something to practice building your confidence.

Art therapy sounds great by the way. Are you any good? Any chance of selling your work?

Hmm sorry I'm not much help today. Am not feeling great but maybe I just need sleep.

Please keep your head up HamSolo01 and keep trying. You'll get through this.

[HamSolo01]

Hey guys.

thanks again

My degree is causing my anxiety to flare up because i dunno what i can do with it...
its too late for me to swap to anything else because ive nearly finished. I still hate the fact that i have seemed to have left a lot of my career planning til the last minute. But then again i guess this is just what depression and anxiety can do. Best do it now because i have time. Time is still on my side.
By the end of the week ill have a better idea over the financial situation i am in. My parents keep saying that its no big deal but i disagree. I need SOMETHING on my resume and i need money to be able to afford things i like and that i enjoy. I feel like a failure otherwise and i know i am capable. I won't save much because i wont be earning much but thats okay at this point. I guess my plan at this point is a basic level of money and to start researching internships again. Even graduate roles. Its really hard because it requires effort when i am exhausted but i guess thats life. Plus i am slowly starting to discover im not all that bad at social situations.
Part of acceptance and commitment therapy is just accepting my depression and anxiety for what it is and then getting on with my day. So far I have been able to do that. But lately it just caught up with me.
Yesterday i came up with an idea to do a tesol and then teach english as a second language. Just as a back up/safety net between graduating and finding internships/graduate roles.

I think i might pursue postgrad overseas too in which case i will need to finish my degree well. I dont think i will have great marks but they coulda been so much worse if i didnt knuckle down last year. Im glad i did 🙂

Tonight i have a social event at uni that is hosted by a political party i joined. Should be interesting. Its a debate. But also a speech by someone from the current govt. I find im starting to understand where i stand politically.

I think i can put myself in 5th gear too. By week's end ill have a basic income figured out because i have a phone interview today for a tutor college ive applied for. Im gonna suss it out and make sure they have students for me and ill figyre out how much i earn. I cant short sell myself. Then i have the new esl student on thursday and then i have the uni phone centre interview tomorrow. Its all just about making plans and sticking to it. I have to ignore people mouthing platitudes as well - thats a big part of it

[HamSolo01]

Well the phone interview was a waste of time. The lady told me that I 'wasn't the typical type of tutor we hire' because my ATAR wasn't high enough. Then proceeded to tell me that ATAR's were not the be all and end all. Evidently they are from a business perspective. That's how the market operates in the tutoring industry. Sad but true. I told this to my mum and she said that there would be a risk that I could get underpaid compared to other tutors. It's frustrating because I know that I'm an alright tutor but I just doubt my own abilities based on the fact I didn't get a good ATAR result. Everytime I tutor I feel like I am ripping the kids off. Then I just hate myself. I think I've determined from this that tutoring is now over for me. I knocked back the offer because of this. Bloody ridiculous. It's really not something I'm all that passionate about anyway - teaching on the other hand could be. So that's a potential pathway. More capacity to bring about change I suppose? Anyway. Tutoring is a no go. I have signed up with a new company already and I will leave it there. Might consider doing English as a second language teaching though. I feel like that'd be better. The lady also said that my approach to next year after uni was not good. I'm being realistic though. Graduate roles are competitive and it's brutal so I'm not going to sit about and 'be positive'. I need to make plans and set them in motion. I'm doing it but it's hard. Really hard. Feels like I'm getting nowhere.

I feel like "wasted potential" is my middle name. It just keeps happening to me. I'm so done with myself.

I just feel down atm is all. Just in regards to every aspect of my life actually.

I guess I just have to suck it up princess.

It's not like I was relying on tutoring and it was my life's goal. It's just it feels like I could've done good with it. But it's too hard to compete in a market with people with high ATARs and I have a group interview for the call centre at uni tomorrow anyway.

So my life isn't over. It's just it feels like I've wasted time. I'm really good at that I guess. Graduate roles will not come through I don't think (because of how competitive it is) so I have to make long term plans.

I hate this sh*t I really do.

@Quercus The group therapy is once a month. The next one is this thursday but I will miss it due to a careers event. I feel like the careers event will be a waste of time. Thanks though 🙂 I appreciate your words of help.

[james1]

Hey mitch,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so disheartened by the interview. It's your decision to make whether you pursue tutoring or not, but I am sad to hear that you felt so down by what she said that you felt like you had to knock back the offer. If you're really not passionate about tutoring those kids, I understand that. I just hope you're not too discouraged based on a mark which, honestly, measures very little about teaching potential or even intelligence. I think you're very well qualified to tutor based on your communication style and focus.

I get what you mean about the graduate roles are competitive.

I actually got a graduate role at a major bank and let me give you a little secret: not everyone who got in is a straight HD student. I was in the low distinction range, and I only did a three year degree compared to everyone else who did 5 year law degrees with honours and went on conferences etc.

The reason why I got in was basically luck and determination. I backed myself to be able to compete intellectually against HD students even though they got better marks, and because I backed myself, I put my name in the lottery. Turns out my name got drawn.

So I guess my point is it sounds like you've shut a few doors and looked at other doors. This is all fine and part of the natural course of job searching, but like you said in your previous message, you need to make sure you're not short selling yourself.

You have your talents and you can totally punch above your ATAR's weight. If you put yourself out there enough, you'll get lucky. But if you limit yourself to what you think your ATAR says, that's a lot of doors that get closed automatically.

Hope the event tonight goes well. I went to a few of them and we have John Hewson speak once. That was pretty fascinating.

James

[HamSolo01]

Hey James

thanks

im really down lately.... sucks

thought i was getting better.. apparently not

everything is just so dull and i hate it.. i try to make it interesting..

i simply just have no energy or enthusiasm for anything..

im at uni now and i dont give a sh*t... so impersonal..

i have an interview this arvo so hopefully im okay for that..

[james1]

Hey mitch,

You've sounded pretty exhausted by everything. Will you have much of a break over this weekend?

Sometimes I find it helpful to plan for nothing on the weekend then just let my instinct guide me. If I feel like going for a walk, I'll go for a walk. If I feel like sitting down and listening to music, that's what I'll do. The key is that with nothing planned, I can do whatever I want.

James

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier was in a pity party of one and feeling pretty rubbish too. It passes. Just try hold onto that and distract yourself however you are able. I like James' idea of going for a walk. Even better if you go with someone so they can keep you out of your own head for a bit. Have you hit the gym lately?

How you're feeling about careers isn't unusual I think. It is hardest to build yourself up and do the sales pitch required for jobs when you don't feel good about yourself. So ask for help. Look at the selection criterias and potential questions and ask your family to try help you find examples. You have skills. Regardless of your work experience there are skills you can offer you've just got to sell them. Once you have a foot in the door your career will begin. It will happen! The first job is always the hardest I find.

Look at me for example I struggled to find work out of uni and confidence was rock bottom yet when I found a job I truly wanted I got a position (there were over 5000 applicants) I think simply because I was enthusiastic and reasearched and prepared with examples. I remember sitting and practicing for interviews and preparing for the medical. I was passionate about the job and it showed.

It will happen HamSolo01. Just keep trying please. I know you dislike the throwaway comments.... Like it will happen and you're so young but they are true. It doesn't feel like it when you are in such a low mood because it is hard to feel hopeful. But we have a little insight into who you are and are hopeful and confident for you mental illness and all 😊.

Good luck with the interview HamSolo01. Just think they gave you an interview so there are skills they have noticed already.

[HamSolo01]

hey guys

i feel a bit more positive now thanks to your help and also what i learned in class this morning

learned about Alexis de Tocqueville.. An early polotical theorist from the 1800s. It was interesting to hear how when he started writing about America, he argued that in order to establish his neutrality as a spectator he had to accept his origins and who he was. He was born at the end of the French revolution and before American democracy stsrted. So he was in the middle of 2 key historical events. This is controversial because often in political sciences one needs to rid themselves of any subjective bias in order to make their argument credible and stand up to scrutiny. But Tocqueville did something different. He established who he was and when he was born in order to argue that he was the ideal commentator on the matters at hand. Its a bit like if each one of us were asked to give an independent account of "our own life". The best person who could do that would be our own selves. Who else could possibly write about the most intimate and closely gaurded parts of our life..

Somehow this made me feel better. I guess it has given me a new sense of self importance. In a similar way, I need to establish myself and realise who I am before I look at things in life independently. Trying to establish what to do in life won't come by until I have a better sense of self. This is what Tocqueville did and I guess it paid off for him.

So it was a cool little bit of history that helped me when I needed it.

I think a big thing that will help me will be making some plans.

I have plan A: accept a graduate offer of employment

plan b: use my tesol (which i am going to look at doing very soon) to work and earn some money teaching english and maybe tutor a bit too

plan c: postgrad in the usa

plan b and c could work together i guess but idk.. early days..

[james1]

Hey mitch,

Oh boy that sounds like a fascinating class. I remember doing a political philosophy subject once (I was doing a philosophy and politics double major at the time) and from an academic point of view, I can see how his views would've been super controversial at the time. But yes, from a modern historiography perspective, of course it makes total sense nowadays.

In philosophy, we have two branches - epistemology and metaphysics - which deal with the fundamental questions regarding knowledge and the nature of things. Both rely on reducing massive questions like who am I, to Descartes' famous question: do I exist, and what is human? Even though it seems pointless to many people, it's hard to get anywhere without a foundation.

It sounds like you're trying to apply the same principle to your understanding of life. First you need to understand you, because any of your knowledge of life is experienced through you. You can't take a good photo without understanding how the camera and lens themselves work.

It's wonderful to see you trying to put some plans in place. Just remember they're not the only possibilities out there - just the ones you're looking at right now. And plans will change, but it's always nice to have them there 🙂

James

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01 (waves to James too),

So how did the interview go? I'm glad to see the class picked you up. Strange isn't it how we can feel awful and then something distracts us and breaks the cycling thoughts.

I like how you have plan a, b and c. How about making more? Like James said give your self more options.

Hope the interview was alright.