I feel alone and I don't like the life I have

[mg24]

Hi, this is my second thread. I just have some other feelings I kind of wanna talk to someone about. (i'm 14)

I feel really alone. I don't have a best friend, but I don't have any other friends either. I hang out with this group but only because I've been with them since year seven and I don't want to look like a loner. There aren't really any people I can hang out with from my grade, I've definitely tried looking. It also feels like everyone thinks I'm a loser, people don't want to text me or talk to me at school. I'm part of two sport teams and I still can't find anyone. I know that friends will 'present themselves in time' and all these other things but I don't want to be alone for four years. I don't want to have to keep my feelings to myself all the time and never be invited anywhere.

I also went to England last year to visit my family and I miss it so much. My family can't really afford to go often but I feel like my family is missing me grow up and there are so many things and experiences and relationships I want to share with them. I can't go during two week breaks because we generally go for three weeks plus and I can't miss any school but my mum says that the six week holidays are too expensive and we won't like the weather. I tried to get there another way by going through a student exchange to just escape for a bit and experience something new and meet new people, but my mum shut that down. I've tried coming at this at every angle all my mum says is that I need to get over it and look at what I do have and stop being s negative but I don't know what there is to look at! I have no friends or social life, I personally hate Australia (no offence), and I'm going through some really hard feelings alone so I'm not sure what great things she's talking about. I don't want to do this life anymore, I hate it but there's nothing I can do about it. I also don't want to waste four years of my life, especially my teenage years. My parents say that if I'm going through something I should tell them or just someone except I don't have anyone to tell and they always ignore my feelings. I told my mum I wanted to move after high school and my mum said she would never forgive me if I did. I cry almost everyday because I want to go back so badly and she knows how much I miss it, and she's still saying this. I don't want to have to move away and never see her but I hate it here. I have no idea what to do or where to go.

[Chloe_M]

Hey

no it's not about that 😂

I woke up the other day and realised that my best friend/ex is actually an idiot and has an ego bigger than it should be. I am trying to slowly and gently become not-friends with him

also, I have been questioning my sexuality (bi?) for a while now, it's becoming more of an 'issue' (meaning the thought more prominent) and I have been doing a great deal of thinking.

Hope tomorrow is okay for you x

[mg24]

Hey I’m glad you feel that way about your friend it’s good to let go and he doesn’t sound too great anyway.

Mare you afraid of ashamed to bi? Personally I’m okay with it and I think most people are. Sometimes it’s just a phase but if not as long as you have people who can support you just be yourself :).

I wanted to ask you about your anxiety. What did it feel like? Because I feel like I might be developing some.

ugh I’m so not ready for tomorrow/ today because I’m replying the next day. I hate it there, lately I’ve been actually dreaming about moving or being in England. I thought that only people in movies had rational dreams. Im glad things are still on track for you x

[Chloe_M]

Heya

Sorry i haven't responded, i haven't been doing very well...

so it turns out the im-angry-at-my-ex-and-i-dont-like-him thing was a phase. i still like him, and hes just making me worse. so he tells me he still loves me the other day, then he breaks up with his gf. then he tells me he has a crush on an ex friend of mine who i really really dislike! he needs to make up his ind because hes lying to someone.

yeah idk about the bi thing, im not ashamed and still not sure

so my anxiety is a feeling of dread constantly in my stomach, sweating consistently, shaking, hyperventilating, thinking bad things are going to happen, worrying 24/7, headaches, crying etc

haha turns out things are looking down, i just gotta stay strong

x chloe

[mg24]

Hey, you’re back!

God no offence but this guy sounds like a total *cuss word* (I would swear but I don’t want it to be taken down) I don’t know if u should even get into a relationship with him at all anyway. If u guys break up it might just make things even worse for you. I’ve been thinking about boyfriends lately too. I really want one but firstly no one wants to date me and secondly who knows if I’m really in the best position for one? Like should I make someone deal with all of this just to break up. Well at least you’re cool about the bi thing. How come it’s suddnely come along? Do u have a crush on a girl as well?

I think I might have mild anxiety- it feels like I constantly have butterflies in my stomach and I can’t stop moving or fidgeting sometimes. The butterflies things is terrible it feels awful. Things are going further downhill for me too I absolutely hate going to school the idea of it makes me very unhappy and also scared. I’m so scared right now just for what’s going to happen and I’m so sick of it but I don’t know what to do. I’m literally so lonely- it would just be nice to feel appreciated once. People say that all the time but they don’t know what’s it’s really like to feel like no could give a crap. I went to the bathroom with a bunch of the girls in my group and when I came out they were all gone- they just left me. I want to scream at them for being so ‘mean’ to me but I can’t. I haven’t been out the house with a single person under the age of 30 besides my brother all year. My mum keeps saying tings wil get better but how long is she expecting me to feel like this? It’s been a year already I can’t do another 1. All I want is to have literally the most normal teenage life before I run out of time- I mean I’m a teenage girl and I have no friends!!! For my bday I’m going to watch movies by self cause I have no one to invite. If I could have whatever I wanted I would move away and cut ties with Everyone here. There’s no one I would want to stay in contact with at all.

So yeah I don’t know what to do because things are just getting worse- I hope things r a little better for you x

[Chloe_M]

Hi sorry i haven't replied

yeah he really is, but i think i might finally be getting over him... for real this time YAS!

eh ive been thinking bout the bi thing for a while, still not sure but it doesn't matter either way lol

ive been feeling like you have lately. its awful. i went to the bathroom and sat in the cubicle and had lunch and nobody texted to ask where i was, they didnt even notice when i came and sat down...

ex has new gf, #8 in the past 3 years *eye roll* the PDA is so gross uhhhhh

ive figured out a pretty cool way to get over him... using CBT lol!! (cognitive behavioral therapy, which is what i use for anxiety/depression). basically, everytime i imagine a scenario with him or miss him, wish his gf was me etc, i replace it with a negative thought or end the scenario badly. e.g his gf was lying on him on the bus (ew ikr) and for a second i wished i was her, then changed my thought to "sucked in he probably has BO and she gets a faceful!!"

it works i feel so achieved.

with the friends thing, one of my best friends was talking to the others and they reckon i do it for attention! (excluding myself for attention?) I honestly don't. They just don't understand.

PDHPE is almost over so i have to finish here, what you have written sounds terrible and if i could id fly to wherever you live and be your friend 🙂 i understand completely now how you feel and even after only a week of it i am worn down and sad, i cant begin to imagine how you have been feeling.

hang in there

x chloe

[mg24]

Hey Chloe don’t worry about it. That kind of thing would happen to me too but if they did notice I wasn’t there. they would give me sh*t for it. My mum says isn’t better to just go to the library than be with them but I’m not going to be the loser who literally spends all of her lunch in the library. I don’t want to look back on my high school years and have spent all of it in the library.

Thats such a cool idea of getting over ur ex. He sounds like a player tbh. I don’t really know how to apply to my life but that’s a cool idea.

Thanks for being so nice. God you know my mum thinks I’m just sad cause of my school but more than anything in the world I wish they’d immigrate. It doesn’t have to be to England just anywhere. It’s all I think about. I want to enjoy my life instead of wasting it. I feel pretty worn down too. I’m so unmotivated to just do things like homework and I’m worried this is going to affect my grades.

[Chloe_M]

Hi

Long time no see... sorry about that 😞

Yeah hes the biggest player. he's now dating my ex friend who actually shares your first name lol

Im so sorry you've been feeling this way i wish i could help...

I wont be on here much bc i have so many assignments uhhh

anyways i better get back to english lol

Chloe 🙂

[mg24]

Hey, yeah I was trying to start a second thread for while you’re busy and it won’t let me 🙄 how long ago did u stop being friends with this exact friend?

Have fun with English

[Chloe_M]

Hi

Well the thing is she thinks we are friends but really we are just 'friends'. I don't like her at all but she always hangs off me its sooooo frustrating

how have you been?

[mg24]

Ugh can relate. Ppl like that are so annoying. I have some news actually- I left my group! They all went out on Monday so on Tuesday I said to all of them why was I invited? There wa a huge awkward silence and one of them was like ‘we like to do things together outside of school’ and I said why aren’t I included in that. Some of them said like you’re awesome I love you sm but if I was then you wouldn’t noticed I wasn’t there and invited me in the first place. This girl Nina was like you never talk/ contribute anything to the group but I talk all the time about everything sometimes I just don’t talk to see if maybe someone else with start a convo with me first I also organised plenty of group events and stuff soo idk what she’s talking about. I said I’m not going to sit with ppl that won’t appreciate me and put effort in. They still think we r friends even though I left even tho I actually hate them. I’m sitting with another fiend now which is okay for now, I’m still pretty lonely. There’s something else though that I’ve been thinking about. I literally cannot get England out my brain. I look at things in Aus and think ‘wish I didn’t know this school existed or I’d never been to this building or met this person’ and with the Summer weather coming it’s just making me think of bad memories and how much I hate summer. It sucks but even thinking about Xmas makes me sad too- I wish I was with my family in Uk and still at a young age and having a cold winter. I see all these winter clothes and foods, ect that I can’t have and I want sm. Anyway we r going back next yr and on another note I’m so worried I won’t be able to leave like I’ll be so much more upset all over again. I’ve been thinking what if I don’t leave? I haven’t said anything yet but maybe I could live with my aunt or cousin (she’s 32). I could have a fresh start in a place I love but then I don’t want to miss out on time with my parents and ruin that relationship- they’re my parents! Plus in my parents eyes- these years are where it’s still their job to be parents to me and should still ‘have’ me with them. I’m super close with my mum too so I’d miss her a lot but then I also think I could do it. I just hate it here sm I don’t think I’ll ever be truly happy staying. I didn’t get the idea from here but a YouTube I watch moved to the US at 15 with her sister and it seems okay? Idk this is all theoretical but I think about it a lot!

It’s good to c u more active now, how r things for u? ❤️ Xx