I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[Croix]

Dear James~

Please excuse me popping in.

One thing did make sense - your sweet post in Happy Memories, it took me back to a fond moment of mine, and will for others too - right down to the teeth touching.

While I'm here - I simply came to thank you - do you mind if I say something? Seeing others I'm afraid might make the same mistakes I have done makes me want to talk.

Might I suggest in relation to your psychologist if she says something you can't relate to - tell her so. My first was like that.

Many professionals resort to shorthand or jargon without even realizing it, and if the words can be mistaken to be a sentence in layman's English confusion arises. In any case her just making pronouncements without clear explanation that you fully understand helps no one.

If I'm missing your point I apologize.

As for expectations, all anyone can do is work towards them with the tools provided and hope to get there. I don't think you can 'hex' the outcome you expect by taking your MH seriously, quite the opposite.

The reason I say this is I 'expected' to be able to go on forever and I did not take my MH seriously enough for many years. As a result I ended up in a most difficult place from which I am not fully recovered even today.

You are right you know, your account above reminds me of my conduct when suffering depression. Did you manage to move your appointment forward? In my case it moved my hospital stay forward 🙂

Thanks for listening to me rabbit on

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

Make sense/don't make sense. Either is ok. Sometimes you just gotta get the feels out, you know. Writing is grounding for some people. You sound drained and despondent. Like, you're just over it.

My own psychologist says I don't take my mental health seriously

Interestingly unclear comment. I mean, what does that even mean? Croix may have a point about shrinks getting caught up in their own jargon.

Maybe you could ask her what she meant by not taking your "mental health seriously" next time you see her. I mean, asking for clarification might help reduce any confusion.

I feel many of us here can empathise with a desire to quit- myself included at times- and spend our days in bed.

But good on you for trying to gather your thoughts to discuss at your next appointment.

Virtual hugs,

Dottie x

[Emmy.]

Hi James,

First of all - here is a big hug ((squeeze))

I can empathise with so much of what you've written. Especially the expectations we put on ourselves. I know we've both had childhoods where we've wanted to please our parents and it's then been enough. If you're like me I seek validation from everyone (wanting to be that perfect person - wife - daughter - friend) but I'm starting to learn the only validation I need is my own. If I am living in accordance to my values (e.g. being a good person, being kind) that's all that matters. Does this make sense at all? Basically what I'm trying to say is don't put any expectations on yourself other than what YOU want. Not what others have told you they expect of you (e.g. parents).

I agree with that Dottie said in asking your psychologist what she meant by that comment. It sounds like an odd thing to say when you're seeing her regularly. Try not to over analyse it - hard I know but until you can talk with her about it you'll get no where with trying to understand it.

It was very brave of you opening up to your friends, I hope they offered you support and that you felt heard.

Rather than quitting work would you consider taking some annual leave? Take some time out for you. But rather than nap (as nice as it does sound) perhaps put together a little plan of some interests and things you'd like to do (of course a couple of afternoon naps won't hurt either hehe). Keep busy but have some you time,

With the confusion I find writing things down helps, make lists ... journal ... set reminders for appointments and to take medication. Try to take things slow. Plan for the day ahead not the week ahead.

I hope this makes sense James as im a little all over the place lately too.

Here for you. Emmy

[Emmy.]

*never been enough (mistake in the above).

[Doolhof]

Hi James,

Many of us are able to relate to the confusion and conflict in your thinking right now! It all makes perfect sense to me! The depressed mind can become very confused and twisted.

My husband has asked if I would like to join him on Sunday as he is going to a coastal town for a meeting. I have changed my mind a hundred times already!

Regarding the psychologist, I spoke to the lady I am seeing her now and told her of some of the things I have found unhelpful in the past with therapy. She asked me to let her know when I did not understand something or did not agree.

This is helping me immensely! I so desperately want and need to feel better and deal with my issues. The psych suggested a theory last time. I sat and pondered it for a while and told her it did not fit and what else could she come up with. In the end we discovered how much my anxiety affects me when I hadn't even realised it.

Feeling vulnerable is not pleasant, I get that. Feeling better mentally is worth the sense of vulnerability and tears for me.

After a session I try to find a place to go for a walk or to sit quietly for a while before I return home or to where ever I need to be next. That bit of space and time helps me as well to digest what has been said.

Hey James, would you like another hug? Here's one from me as well and a shoulder to cry on if you need it.

Cheers to you from Dools

[james1]

Hey Croix,

Thanks for popping by 🙂 I struggled a bit to think of a good memory - I have a lot that are tinged/tainted/touched by sadness (if you haven't seen the movie Inside Out, they do a good representation of this!) and I just didn't feel up to writing those ones yet. Perhaps later. So what I did come up with...I dunno, it's just a very strong and nice memory which I thought worth sharing.

Thanks for writing from your own experience. I do appreciate hearing other's stories.

I think I got confused with my psychologist because she doesn't normally actually tell me much, if anything. Well, that and the fact that I don't seem to be very aware of what I'm really thinking, only what I think I should be thinking. Anyway, most of the time she asks questions and reflects on how my troubles outside of therapy are mirrored inside therapy. It seems to be based on something called Transference Focussed Psychotherapy.

She's taking a different tact with me because I'd previously complained about two other types of therapy which were more informative and had homework, and they had led me to quit therapy the first time.

So when she did make a statement, I was a little bit shocked and ended up confronting her about why she was even saying something rather than just asking questions. What she actually said kind of fell to the wayside, haha.

I've been quietly musing over how close I am to needing to go to hospital. I don't think I'm there yet. It's a noise that's gone from being a mozzie to a bee, but I can still swat it away and get on with what I need to do.

I didn't take my MH seriously before and it wrecked two great relationships. Then it landed me in hospital. You'd think I'd have figured out that my state of mind is actually important by now, haha. But I suppose that's how strong an influence neglectful childhood can be - not to mention the stigma of being male and having emotions (shock horror!).

James

[james1]

Hey Dottie,

Ah yeah, drained and despondent. My two favourite states of mind it seems. I did a quick look at my leave history recently and it's not looking all that great. There were three weeks in a row where I took a day off, and then the next week I took a half day. And not to mention most days I get in about 30mins - 1hr late anyway. Oh well. On the bright side, I have managed to do some work when I am in, though still nowhere near what I'd normally be capable of. But I know I should give myself leeway.

I might ask. I have lots of things I want to say and the first will be why she doesn't just give up on me. I've asked before but it's a thought which simply won't go away. I don't know if I want a particular answer, or why I want to ask, but I figure if it's something I keep thinking, I may as well voice it right? Especially since it's the one thought that keeps hounding me and I feel like it's getting in the way of me...getting better doesn't sound right, but improving.

Quitting sounds pretty amazing right now, but I feel like while I still have some desire to stay, I may as well. If I give up later, so be it, but for now I'll keep walking this tightrope because the fall would be prettttty far.

Thanks and hugs back for you.

James

[james1]

Hey Emmy,

Thank you for the hug 🙂

Yes, I don't know how to validate myself and have to get it from other people as well, which I know needs to change somehow.

I wrote somewhere on the forums once that...well, I don't remember exactly what, but it was something along the lines of to be happy is to know, without needing anyone to tell you, that you're worthy.

I still totally stand by that - and unfortunately not there yet.

I actually don't consider it brave at all. I think I'm at the stage where I'm just a little too far to care and if I lose friends, so be it. But I don't say that in the way that means I'm okay on my own - just that I'm both searching for a reason to continue and a reason to quit, if you get my drift. If all my friends left me, that would make things very easy for me. But at the same time, that would totally suck, haha.

Ah I've been thinking of taking annual leave for a week and going on a massive riding + camping trip. I've also always wanted to just pack my bag and just start heading up the coast, whether by train, foot or hitchhike (if I'm lucky/unlucky enough). But I don't think now is the best time since my apartment should be ready soon and I'll need to be around.

I'm trying to find hobbies again, but the inspiration is not there to actually start them. I really just use my tiny bursts of energy to do the things I know I need to do. I'm owed about $800 from Medicare, I need to fix my bike headlight, I need to fix up my budget...yeah not fun stuff, but I need to do it. So I'm trying to knock of one per week if I can. And that pretty much takes up my spare energy for the week, with nothing left for hobbies. But maybe once this stuff is done, I will have a bit of down time.

Thanks for taking the time to post. I've been dropping in and out of your thread so I know you're having a rough time too.

James

[james1]

Hey Mrs Dools,

I wrote a poem 6 months ago about having all these crazy thoughts. One of the lines talks about what you said:

"...

Contorted -

His head twisted and tied to his ankles which sink in quicksand

Drowning -

His feet drag his silent screams further into

His grave."

Not sure if that quite captures your experience, but when you said the word "twisted", it reminded me of my poem.

Do you find it strange that, even having been in and out of therapy for so long we still find out things about ourselves? I can't get over the fact that after 25 years, I still didn't realise how much my fear of abandonment just kicks into overdrive and takes control. I always just thought it was the normal thing that everyone does all the time.

Actually, I had a good laugh the other day. A friend of mine met a girl while he was overseas and he didn't think it was serious but she did. The more I listened to the story, the more I realised it sounded just like me. Eventually, I said, "and she probably turned up at your doorstep after months of not talking, right?" He just stared at me dumbfounded because, yes, that is exactly what happened. That was a real moment where I just thought, "Oh...so I really am that crazy stalker person," haha. And all this time, I thought everyone would just do that!

I get what you said about your routine after a session. I'm the same. Unfortunately I don't have much time after my weekday session (today!) because I have to go back to work, but I do stop and get a frozen coke. I find it comforting - it's like a little cold numbing shock and also happens to have sugar to boot. On a weekend, I always want to go riding but I know that would be dangerous so I just wander around. I think my ideal would be to go find a national park and go for a hike, but it's too late in the day.

Thanks. Hugs are always very much appreciated. Never did get them as a child, so I need to somehow condition myself into accepting hugs now.

James

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

I reckon doing Paul's whole "gentle and kind" thing re: work sounds good. Hey, you're doing the best you can. Solid effort. As for the other details? I like your word, leeway.

I'm assuming that you meant your psychologist when you said you keep wondering why "she" doesn't give up on you. Who knows, I have no look-in on her thinking but I would hazard a guess that she thinks you're worth her time.

Worth helping and supporting and she probably has faith that you can learn to live with and in spite of what you're going through. Maybe not right now but maybe over time. Sometimes I personally feel it's less about being "cured" and more about learning to live with and in spite of something.

I'm glad you're not quitting. Tightrope walking is pretty scary but I'm glad you're holding on.

And thanks for the hugs. We all think you're pretty amaze here even if you don't feel that way right now.

Dottie xxx