I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Helloo Aaron and welcome back, I knew that you would be having the time of your life so I wasn't at all worried about you not posting.

I am soooo pleased you had a wonderful time and that Melbourne gave you a brilliant mini break, just what you needed really. Yes the shopping....arrgghhhh, but hey lucky for you you are not caught in the DFO trap all the time, lol, it is so easy to go and spend a fortune. That is so exciting that you played to a full house, and I am so very sure that you made more that one person happy.

It was so good that your ex understood that you needed to do this on your own know, and hopefully the physical absence of you over the week would have helped her too. That is so true what you said and you have totally nailed it, conversation with her does not have to have a destination, it can be just checking in and seeing that a friend is ok, time will give you the direction you need I think, you will either feel like there is something to work on and reconcile or that there really is no future and you will move off on your own path.

That is great that you had a day off to refresh and to relax but yeah, the post holiday blues probably hit you a little, but that is great that you jumped in the car and went for a drive and put some things in place to manage it and also to just sit with those feelings and be ok with them, not alarmed or upset or concerned. We all have sad days and yet that does not mean we are depressed, just having a sad day, and that is fine.

My weekend was totally amazing and the show was so fantastic, I love the drag queens, they are so fun and really know how to perform and put on a show. We are going to RuPaul's Werq the World in Canberra in Feb so we are super excited about that .....lol

So great to hear from you and you really sound so ......dare I say it...happy!...lol...

The fact that office girl has deleted you off social media I think says more that she just wants to perhaps heal for want of a better word. I think in time the two of you will have a big conversation and a big hug and put the events of now in the past and just reflect on a time when you were hurting, she provided you with friendship but she also gave you the awareness that you can feel, feel what it might be like to be cared for, I think you will always be grateful to her for that. For now tho, just let her go on her way, and you do the same and one day when you are both ready a conversation will happen.

Have a wonderful Friday!

Chat soon

S

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

It was pretty busy - I didn't bring my computer or anything with me so couldn't check in here on Beyond Blue easily. That said, it was nice to get a break from computers/social media etc. and focus on other things. Just being in a different place for a while is helpful - when everything is unfamiliar, everything is seen from a different perspective.

As for my ex, she still calls me a lot - and I still can't help myself in that I find myself worrying about her a great deal. At the same time there's a fine line where checking in can be good for both of us, but too much tends to wear me out. That carer thing starts again, it makes me really tired. She's going through a bit of rough patch at work at the moment - long story, but I'm trying to be supportive and lend an ear.

I like that idea of just having a 'sad day' once in a while. I think that's what it was. Today is a bit of sad day too but it's nothing to worry about. I have two gigs tomorrow, I'll be doing about 7 hours of guitar playing tomorrow... it's going to be a busy/tiring day. I think I'm finding that a bit daunting. That combined with being very tired is a recipe for trouble. It's making me quite anxious/edgy feeling today. Right now, just accepting that feeling and not letting it bother me too much.

Re. office girl - I think you're right. It's probably best for both of us actually. I need to let that infatuation pass, it's not really helpful to anyone! I hope we can move on past this awful/awkward stage with time. She's a really special person, one of a kind - I feel so guilty for hurting her like that - but like you've said before, I can't keep carrying all this emotional baggage for other people (me ex, office girl...) - just my own baggage is heavy enough haha! I'm super grateful to her - it was such a huge wake up call.

So glad you had a good weekend! It sounds like a really great time. I've never been to a drag show but I'm sure they put on a heck of a show! It sounds like lots of fun 🙂

I hope you have a good rest of your Friday and that you have another good weekend 🙂

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Thinking of you today and hope that you are not feeling sad, I am glad you like the idea of a "sad day" and it is more than alright to allow yourself to fall in a heap and feel the funk and cry and feel yuk, just as long as it doesn't hang around too long. I can hear that you are tired and still playing a large roll in caring for your ex, I am thinking about a plan for you and I am not sure how you feel about this as it will be a large step, so what do you think about drawing a line in the sand and perhaps just limiting your exposure to your ex twice a week? I know that you want to support her through her rough patch and the work issues, however she really needs to start to develop another support network that is not you. I know that is harsh but she too needs the chance to lean on others just as you need a break from being her carer. I feel like it is ok to let her calls go to VM on purpose and she will see that you are not at her beck and call for support. Perhaps a text instead of a phone call? I am by no means forcing this on you, just a suggestion for perhaps how to move to the next phase and have some space and create the distance you need.

I am glad that you have seen the wonderful side of another person and have something wonderful to look forward to, not necessarily with office girl but someone like office girl, but she has woken you up to the wonder of how a lovely relationship can feel and that you do deserve that and that you are capable of feeling that. You deserve a wonderful and happy relationship and you will have that when you are ready. That is so nice that you think she is one of a kind and I am sure she would be delighted to know that. As I said before, I do believe you will have a conversation in the future and you might get to tell her that, I think she would appreciate to know that.

The weather here is atrocious so a pretty quiet weekend I think, kids sports and a movie I think...lol..hope your gigs are going well and that you are enjoying being out there doing your music thing, such a wonderful healer and nice to be around new people.

Great that you got some time off social media and the computer, I need to do more of that too.....hmmm....

Hope you are good today Aaron

Cheers
Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Sad days are okay- if you don't have those you can't appreciate the happy ones! I've taken on too much gigging lately, so am exhausted - that's probably not helping with my mood. The extra income is nice, but it's not really worth feeling so tired. I start to get a bit silly when I'm tired- I can get paranoid and irrational... I suspect we all get a bit loopy if we're tired enough!

You're right regarding my ex - I need to back away a bit. I saw her yesterday, we went for a hot chocolate, she also gave me a birthday card and present. It was really nice of her. It was really nice of her.Seeing her too often is bad though, I start to get confused about what I'm feeling and start second-guessing myself. I'm still very much her support-person unfortunately. It's hard when you still love someone and care for them, all that can get a bit confusing. We could end up together again but I need to make that decision when I'm not confused and have my wits about me...

Tonight to try and clear my head a bit by going for a run. I think the combination of too much time with my ex and being overtired is a recipe for trouble.

Rather worryingly I'm doing a half-marathon on Sunday. It's brutal even for seasoned runners. I'm going to mostly walk it but run the little bits where it isn't so steep!

On the bright side, my ex is going to a BBQ on Saturday with her work friends - I'm happy to know she's going to a social gathering where there'll be other people there.

The weather here in Tasmania this weekend was dreadful! Freezing cold, windy/rainy... but today, it's sunny and warm - of course on a Monday! When I was in Victoria it was raining most of the time - in fact, I got stuck in a thunderstorm!

Hope you've had a good Monday Sarah

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

OMG..have you had a birthday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, hope it was totally awesome and that you were so very spoiled....happy birthday!

I totally hear you with the combination of tired and exhausted and a lot on your plate, does make me a bit silly too, sometimes funny silly but sometimes crying silly....it is so good that you are aware of that though and can put some things in place to prevent it, a run is great but maybe just a small one, just to get the fresh air in but not to over do it. That marathon sounds like HELL....lol....but how incredible that you are going to do that, now here is the mum in me coming out, make sure that you eat well before hand and get your energy levels up, and blood sugars too..oh and get a good massage afterwards, that will be good for your body and your mind. Ok I think I have covered it all...lol.

I can hear that you are so very relieved that your ex has some social activities planned, that is really great and hopefully she is doing better and getting used to what it looks like without you. Time will tell and time will be the key, there is no rush and there is no deadline here, you take what time you need to get to the place that you feel happy, and if in the future you end up together, whether that be next month or next year, you know you have made the best decision for you, and for her too. Just something I want to bring to your attention though is if you are having conversations around getting back together just make sure you understand exactly what her expectations are, what I mean by that is if her desire is to be married and have children then I just want you to know and understand and agree and have your future's lined up, and on the same page. That way there are no surprises later on down the track with requests that you are not happy with or don't want.

The weather here is nice today and I haven't had a too bad of a day, I think it all turns pear shaped by the end of the week tho..the weather that is...lol

Oh just wondering how coffee girl is going and if she has followed up to see how you are doing? She seemed like a great friend.

Happy Monday to you too

Chat soon

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Thank you so much for the birthday wishes! I feels only weeks since my last birthday... time flies!

If I'm overtired I can be hilarious-silly but quickly it turns into paranoid/neurotic silly! Last night I didn't bother going for a run in the end - it was far too windy outside. Ended up getting a very early night, usually I go to bed about midnight, last night went to bed at about 9:30. It was hard to sleep, by heart was pounding like crazy for no apparent reason, I'm probably run down and worrying about things too much.

The half-marathon is going to be so painful! It's scary, but I'm looking forward to it. I think it will give me a really good sense of achievement. With all the health problems I've had in the last year or so, just being able to take part in it is a bonus!

For my ex and I , I think I'm feeling a bit under pressure to give an answer about if we're getting back together or not. I don't know yet. She's been lovely the past few weeks, but will that all change later? There's no way of telling. Similarly if I meet someone else, they might be lovely at first, but actually be horrible! It's too soon to know. I think last night/yesterday I was crumbling under the pressure of that. I'm so busy worrying about what my ex is feeling, what office girl is feeling that I worked myself up into a real state! These things take time, and I can't give everyone the answer they want right now.

Glad the weather has been okay there you've had an okay day. It's pretty cold down here in Hobart again. For every one warm day there's about 5 or 6 cold ones.

Coffee girl is good- I had a nice chat to her yesterday. I'm going to see if she's keen for another coffee maybe Friday. That would be a nice way to wind up the work week. I'm very lucky to somehow meet nice people like that.

Hope you're having a good day Sarah 🙂

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Aaron

I hope that you had a wonderful birthday and yes..time sure flies....mine is coming up in Jan and I am going to be 45 eeekkk....feels like yesterday that I had my 21st....ahh weelll.

That is awesome to hear that you got an early night, it makes for a happy person the next day. I think the heart pounding was probably the mind overthinking, and the mix of being tired....having a lot on you plate still with having pressure to make a decision with your ex. I can hear that you said that you really have not made a choice yet as to what you want to do, I think if you had you would have let her know, I think it is equally fine to let her know that you haven't made a choice with regards to your future together and that the pressure you are feeling to do so is in fact not helping with the healing process. You have every right to ask for time and for patience and when you have come to a decision that you will let her know. You can empathize with her as this is probably a time when she is feeling like she is sitting around waiting for you to "let her know", but she needs to use this time to do some self discovery and some healing and think about the things that didn't work so well in the relationship and what her role was in that.

I hear what you say with the confusion of knowing your ex and what will a future look like if you reconnect V's meeting some one else and having them turn into something different too....I think this is part of the journey in any relationship and all we can do is take time to get to know a person and see what works and what doesn' t and be aware of any red flags, this rings true for both if you decide to go back to your ex or if you find a new person in your life. Relationship are tricky but you have learnt so very much from this experience and have grown so much as a person and this will serve you well in future relationships. You are so much wiser and stronger than you give yourself credit for Aaron.

Great to hear that coffee girl is good and you have a friend there to chat with and support you, that is wonderful, there are wonderful people in the world there really is and I am glad you have met one too.

The marathon is getting close and I am really excited for you and can't wait to hear how it goes, that is so awesome and yes..it will be a huge sense of achievement and success for you....so awesome!

Hump day!!! Enjoy...chat soon

Sarah 🙂

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

As long as you still feel 21 is what matters! When my grandfather turned 90, he said he feels just the same as he did back when he was in his 20's. Age is just a number - it's what you do/feel/enjoy that matters :-). Time sure does fly though!

You have articulated all that so much better than I could've! It's exactly that... it's too soon to make a decision either way. I'm so used to putting other peoples feelings etc. above my own that it's really hard to actually think about what is right for me. I wish I could give her an answer either way right now, but it's just not possible! I really worked myself up about it. Feeling much better today. Had gig last night, but it finished at 9:30 so thankfully not too late a night.

I'm a bit worried about office-girl yet again, she's been away all of this week and some of last week. I hope it's not because of me. I realise I've done nothing wrong, but can't help but feel responsible... I worry that she's had some sort of breakdown or something... fingers crossed she's okay. I'm always worrying about something!! I hope she's okay.

I'm going to send coffee girl a message later tonight and see if she's free to have another coffee Friday. I'm kind of nervous to put myself out there. There's no romantic component of any sort, but I'm generally a pretty shy person, pretty much any interaction causes a small level of anxiety!!

My ex called last night, kind of putting pressure on me again. I basically said that if I've totally given up on "us" that I'd tell her. She's finding hard, but I feel like she still doesn't really get it - she means well, but I don't believe she's taking much accountability for her part in the relationship. She said that I make up scenarios and put words in her mouth etc. Basically blaming me for being upset by some of the things she has said. This might be true to a small extent, I know for a fact I have a very vivid imagination... that said - I think it's unfair to blame me for the way I react to things she says.

I was planning on doing a bit of last minute preparation for this marathon on Sunday, but after that phone call last night I really didn't feel up to it.

Hoping today is better! I have a gig tonight - that will take my mind off things. 🙂

Yay for Thursday - the weekend is only around the corner now 🙂

Hope you had a great day yesterday and today goes well for you Sarah

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron
Oh wow, that is wonderful that your grandfather is still with you at 90…that is so awesome…grandparents are so important and we have a lot to learn from them…and yes…age is just a number
I am glad you got what I was saying about time and her expectations…and yes it is all a learning curve when you realise that you do put other people’s feelings and cares before your own, but you are aware of it and you really are taking steps to put you first, it just takes practice, but you are on your way. What you said to me in that post is just perfect to say to her “I wish I could give you an answer right now but it is just not possible”…that is perfect, and if she cannot accept that , that is a huge red flag….along with the other things about her conversation with you last night, hmmm…saying you make up scenarios and put words in her mouth….that is alarming to me, and yes, I agree I don’t think she is taking responsibility for her role in the relationship. See, when you are made to feel bad, that is your feeling and your perception and you are feeling bad, so how can a person question you on how you are feeling, the behaviour is making you uncomfortable or sad or angry, therefore it is not right for you…period. I hope you know what I mean, that didn’t really come across well, but I think I am trying to say you can’t make up feelings….if you are upset by what she has said then she needs to address what was said also….the way you communicate would need to be a consideration if you were to get back together as communication and receiving and delivering messages as they are intended in key.
Hopefully office girl is ok too. I know it is hard but please try not to feel like she is unwell as a result of you, you are so very caring and I know it is hard, she may have had a family situation come up or she may even be on annual leave. It is hard I know
You go for it and make a friend out of coffee girl, I hear you are anxious about asking her for a catch up but as you said this is not about romance, just making a friend to catch up with and enjoy. I am so glad that you are putting yourself out there and doing things to improve your shyness, it is hard and you are doing baby steps.
So glad you have your gigs to enjoy, hope tonight goes well too.
Today so far is going well for me, just about to have my skinny chai latte…yum!
Yay for Thursday indeed…..I have my first Christmas party for the year on Saturday…I know ….crazy!
Have an awesome day Aaron
Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah!

Sadly my grandfather isn't around any more- he passed away about a year ago, but made it to the age of 92. Long story, but my dad was drunk a lot - my grandfather was my role model and set the standard for me. He was a real gentleman. A very strong and kind man. I'm so lucky to have had him as my grandfather. He got me into music too!

I was a bit disappointed in my ex after that chat last night. I thought she had more insight than that. She still doesn't seem to take responsibility for anything, or really comprehend the issues that led us to where we are now. Obviously it takes two to tango - there are many things I didn't handle well, I should have been far more assertive from the start. When she accused me of creating pretend scenarios and putting words in her mouth, that upset me a lot. It makes me doubt myself and start to wonder if I'm losing my marbles.

This was one of the huge problems of the relationship - I honestly thought I was losing my mind at times. When you get told that you're overreacting, neurotic etc. enough, you start to believe it. I was trying to reassure her that I haven't given up on us, that I just need time- and that if I thought there was no future I'd tell her right away. I'm not sure what more I could possibly say. I was in tears by the end of that. She seemed annoyed that I was so upset. I'm the total opposite - I'd be so apologetic and sorry if I upset her like that.

It would be good to talk through that better later maybe, but I have a feeling she just doesn't get it and maybe never will. It's hard to say.

Office-girl is back at work today. That's good. I haven't bumped into her at all but that's probably for the best. Don't think she wants to see me at all, and I think I'd almost have a heart attack if I saw her!

I'm a bit rattled by it all but having a gig tonight is good, it's something I'm comfortable doing and I don't have to think about anything else. I'll send coffee girl a message too, if she's free for a coffee tomorrow, that would be wonderful!

Nervous about this big marathon on Sunday- what was I thinking joining that?! haha!

WOW - first Christmas party?! Time flies... I'm hearing Christmas Carols in shops already. Seems like only yesterday it was Christmas last year!

Hope the skinny chai latte was good - sounds delicious!

Hope your day is going well 🙂

Aaron