I Don't Even Know Anymore...

[BenignSky]

Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?

[BenignSky]

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond back; I've been so, so, so sick lately and I have exams tomorrow and I am currently in bed trying to keep my eyes open through the pain so wish me luck for tomorrow.

Here's the thing; when I'm sick, run-down, stressed etc, everything is magnified x10. I am currently all three at the moment, and being sick makes me clingier and more needy than usual, and also makes me feel sorry for myself and all the rest of it (so any bad thoughts I have about myself are so much more intense). I will accept any love, hence why I've had not so successful experiences when it comes to relationships.

I'm just lonely. People tell me I have to put myself out there, be vulnerable, forget who has hurt me and still be open, yet every single time I do, I get hurt. I lose people close to me. That's why I stop trying. I want someone else to try for a change, and I know that's not how it works, I know it needs to be mutual, that two people must try for anything successful to come out of it, but I'm so tired of trying. I feel like I always make the effort and every time I get slammed down for it. That hurts. A lot. But I keep trying. I keep trying to make an effort, because I want these people in my life, I want someone in my life...

Jordan isn't a bad person...he's incredible. He's just really busy, and how can I blame someone for falling in love with someone other than myself? That's a bit selfish, don't you think..? It's not his fault, he can't help it, his girlfriend couldn't help it, I certainly couldn't help it...it just happens. That's why love hurts. Love always hurts for someone. If a child is hurt, the mother feels its pain because she loves him. It sucks but its the truth. It's hard because we used to talk 14, 15 hours every day. Now I maybe get two messages from him most days, on a good day thirty minutes talking where he's usually distracted or too tired or sick. He used to sing to me, we used to Skype every day, now I never see him.

I think I'm just going through the process of letting go, or I have attachment issues, or whatever else is wrong with me. It's hard forcing yourself to fall out of love with someone, and telling yourself every day that someone like him, would never take any interest in someone like you, regardless of what he said previously. I love too hard and care too much. I'm too empathetic. I'm too much of everything.

[BenignSky]

I ran out of space, sorry.

Yeah, I booked an appointment, the only one I could get was early/mid July (I can't be bothered checking when). She's so busy. She said she'd give a call if there was a cancellation somewhere, but because I've been better than what I was previously, and a few months ago I was cancelling appointments because I was feeling so much better everything was golden, she will probably go to one of her more serious clients first to see if they'd like that free spot before she comes to me. I don't know how it works, that may not be the case but you know.

I need to go sleep or something, I don't feel well.

I'm sorry.

[james1]

Hey Em,

I hope you don't mind if I tell you a bit of my story. Perhaps it will help, because my story started when I was 14.

I loved my ex's. I went out with one for 4 years from 14-18 and the other for 4.5 years from 19-24. With the first, I grew up. With the second, I matured. And yet 10 years on, the two people who I basically became "me" with, are both gone from my life.

If I put it bluntly: when we love too hard, it's not love at all. It's attachment. It's need. But it's not love.

I don't know what true love feels like. I know what it feels like to want to be with someone 24/7, even when they're at work. I know what it's like to wonder why they want to work instead of stay in bed with me and cuddle all day.

I know what it's like to have 8.5 years of relationships go down the drain because, even as I said that they would find someone better than me, it was really them that disappointed me. They couldn't give me the attachment I craved.

You are hurting on the inside from something else other than Jordan. He's bringing these feelings back but there is a gaping hole inside that craves someone to be in your life.

It's really hard to need someone when they don't need you back. But that's the reality of what we live with and we can either change it, or stay living with the pain.

The doctors are out there waiting patiently for people like us to ask for guidance on how to change.

I'm really sad to hear you're struggling because I've been there too. Those 8.5 years were the best and hardest times of my life as I tried to live my life with someone else while they wanted a bit of breathing space from me. And so I'd apologise, give them room, and do it again. Now, I realise it's not the way relationships and friendships should be.

We need help with these things. And romantic interests can't give that help to us - only a doctor can.

James

[james1]

I know you said you are feeling better now than before and that you were cancelling appointments before.

Have you ever had a chat to your psychologist about this? It's normal to have ups and downs, but it's good to recognise these as part of a larger cycle. Overall, you have been struggling and should have a regular appointment time.

[BenignSky]

That made me cry.

A lot.

The thing is, he says he wants me around, that I'm his best friend, that I mean a lot to him, that he misses me too, that he appreciates me and everything I do for him, says that I make him feel good about himself. So I'm confused. I've thought I've loved people before, so many times, but this is different. What I'm feeling for Jordan is different. He amazes me every single day, and I know so much about him, I wouldn't change him for the world, he makes me so happy and everything about him is perfect. He gets me. I can't explain it.

I know I have attachment issues.

I used to have regular appointments but when I was showing up to my appointments with nothing to say or talk about, my psychologist was like, are you sure you want to continue with this? You seem to be fine. So I followed her advice and scheduled six weekly but before I didn't need her help so I was cancelling them. I was meant to go a few weeks ago, but she cancelled on me. I'm trying.

I'm trying to do everything asked of me. I'm trying so hard.

[james1]

Hey Em, I'm sorry it made you cry.

He may be perfect, but this place is about you. And he is not you, nor are you him. I can hear the need in your words. But we need to redirect that towards something that will help you, and that is to let you know that this is your space. You clearly share a bond, but there needs to be something else aside from that bond.

What about you makes him want you around? What does he appreciate about you?

If I was to name some things that I think are awesome about you: you are kind, you are empathetic, you are clever and you have a dog photo. These are all qualities about you that I think make you amazing.

I think it's time to refocus on what you think makes you amazing. And if you're not sure, what does Jordan think? What do your friends and family think?

We can see you're trying Em. We can also see you're struggling, and I know it's super super hard. I ended up in hospital because it was too hard for me to do on my own.

James

[BenignSky]

It's okay, I'm just very emotional at the moment, and I don't like it when others are hurting.

Sorry it took me so long, I was actually Skyping him before.

It was his birthday the other day and I wrote him this four page document about how he is not just a 'regular guy' which is the term he used with me a little while ago when I discovered I made him feel horrible because he felt he wasn't doing enough, and I was reassuring him about he is the most amazing guy I've ever met and he said that he was nothing special. I told him I'd prove it to him and so I did for his birthday.

Well today he finally read it, and he said it almost made him cry (he doesn't cry easily). I told him everything that I love about him and why he is my closest and best friend and that I only ever want him to be happy. We had a really heartfelt talk after that, he told me he loved me and that he can't describe how I treat him, but there's only one other person in his life that treats him the same, that makes him feel the same and that is his girlfriend. He says he wants to meet me soon and that he is impatient and that I'm his best friend. He says I do so much for him and what he does for me is him trying to reciprocate my actions.

He used to tell me all the time, before he got into this relationship, that I was beautiful and pretty. I have messages saved from him where he tells me he will be here for me all the time. Even now, when I'm down in he dumps, he always picks me up. He makes me feel valued, he makes feel...pretty...for once in my life. He's the better half of me and I love him in all aspects of the word.

He says that I am his most positive affliction in his life; that I make him feel great about himself, that he loves talking to me. I don't know many people who like talking to me. I talk about the weirdest things, and people don't understand and they make my mind feel ugly, uninteresting, a joke but Jordan makes me feel beautiful and special and wonderful, that I'm rare and he gets everything about me. He likes how awkward I am, looks forward to it actually, and likes that I'm honest and speak my mind. He laughs at me when I say stupid things that don't make sense to anyone but me, but his laugh isn't malicious, its sweet and loving and tender and caressing.

He's not a bad person. He's everything to me.

"You are my entire universe, all my stars, all my galaxies, all my supernovas, all my supergiants. You are my everything." I wrote that for him.

[BenignSky]

Who knew science could help you write love notes, huh?

He is everything to me, I love every single little thing about him because it's him. He's pure. He's beautiful and so sweet and so genuine and so kind and he's Jordan. It's hard not to fall in love with him. It just wasn't his time to fall in love with me; that can't be helped.

Thank you for your kind words as well, they haven't gone unnoticed. I smiled like an idiot through all my snivelly tears (yes snivelly is now a word, I have no idea what it means). I wish others could see it. I wish people wouldn't take advantage of it.

I feel like people don't think I'm trying enough, they think that I'm just trying. I give everything my best shot, and no one understands how hard everything is. Psychologists don't understand how people work. It's so much easier, and I find so much more beneficial, to talk to people who have had similar experiences, who are currently going through the same things you are and give real, honest answers rather than regurgitated text book facts that don't work for everyone.

I'm sorry you were placed in hospital because of this. You're strong you know, for getting through that and still continuing to fight and battle on, and live every day life, even with some things trying to hold you back. You're special you know. And I can tell you mean a lot to a lot of people, even if you don't see it, and I know I don't know you, not very much at all, but I get a feeling that you're one of the few special people in this world.

Thank you for everything, I really mean it. I appreciate you.

[ahw309]

Hi Em,

Your words describing Jordan are beautiful. I have connected instantly and very deeply with two people (one I've only spoken to about 3 times so far!!) and your words quite accurately explain how I feel about them. Words are sometimes so frustrating though - they never seem to be able to contain enough of the love we wish to express!

I'm sorry I can't really offer any constructive advice or help, but I definitely second everything James has said! I see a lot of hurt and need and pain in you, but also so so much love, kindness, intelligence, creativity, fun - all of it makes you the amazing person you are! An amazing person so deserving of love and support. I hope you see that. I hope you see the love and support you give everyone else and realise you should give some of it to yourself as well, because you are not at all any less deserving - how some people treat you is not a reflection of you or your worth.

We see you and we know that you're trying. Hard. Your best. And we know it's really, really hard. I'm proud of you for keeping on through everything and even seeing the positives. You're so strong and you've got this!! And we're with you, standing right behind you 🙂

[BenignSky]

Hey, ahw, sorry it's taken me so long.

I'm glad someone else gets it, because I feel like no one does. No one understands how I can fall in love with someone I've never met. I have a habit of doing that; I find people so much nicer online than in person, and I click with them more; more diversity perhaps? I dunno. Jordan just...he's different. And I'm jealous, as horrible as that is to say and I hate that it's true, but I am. I am jealous that someone can love and be loved so beautifully and I can't even talk to people or keep a friend. I mean, what's wrong with me? What about me is so unloveable that everyone can come close but never go the full length? Why aren't I enough, you know..?

By the way I'm not jealous in the 'I hate their relationship way'; I'm jealous in 'that's what I want and I can't have it with anyone' way. I want it with Jordan - I want a lot of things with Jordan, but I think after he has seen how ugly my mind is, he couldn't see me as something romantically interesting. I screwed it for both of us, like I always do.

If I was so deserving though of love and support...why haven't I gotten it? Why do I feel like it's been avoiding me...?

Thanks for being kind though, I appreciate it. Small things like that make me cry.

- Em