I Don't Even Know Anymore...

[BenignSky]

Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?

[BenignSky]

I mean the complete opposite of what I say. I'm not strong or anything, I'm just saying that to try and convince myself. I can do this alone, I did it for fifteen years, I can do it for fifteen more. I know I don't HAVE to do it alone but I don't like making feel bad and I'm always so bloody argumentative when someone suggests a rational explanation or solution.

Ill find a way around it. I always do. I just have moments of not feeling my best. Like everyone has told me, 'get over it' - and I will.

But man this loneliness is killing me.

[james1]

Hey Em, I get what you mean, but I did mean what I said: I do think you're strong and that you can get through this.

It's okay to be argumentative. It's our depression trying to get the upper hand. The goal is to, over time, get better at stopping and recognising what is helpful and what is not. And the first step is to recognise that there is something wrong, which is something you've already done here.

[BenignSky]

Well, thank you for the vote of confidence, I appreciate it (and you) greatly. And you too, ahw. I was meant to get back to you, but...I don't have an excuse other than I'm busy. Sorry about that. But, it helps, every bit of it helps when you post on here and listen to me, and I will be hugging both of you telepathically *sends virtual hugs*.

My brain hurts. I want to sleep. I want cuddles and snuggles. I want to forget about everything for a while and be happy and calm and just mellow out for a bit.

[james1]

Hey Em,

Just dropping by to give you a hug back and say I love the silly photo!

James

[BenignSky]

Hey James,

I'm holding up okay, I'm just trying to get through everything and hopefully once exams and all my CATs and assignments are done, I can get back into gym and start unwinding. I've been stressing so much I've given myself a headache. My friend told me to find the brighter side in all situations, I had been hurting him, hence why he couldn't talk to me, but we are talking through it and he's still helping me.

It's his birthday on Friday and I want to prove how much he means to me but I don't know how when he's 9000km away. My portrait I'm doing in art is of him, but I'm not going to get it done in time for his birthday. He means so much to me and I wish I could show that, I wish I could make him happy.

And thank you, haha. My friend took that photo on Snapchat (I don't have Snapchat but I love the dog filter). It's one of the only photos I feel confident in and where I think I look somewhat okay, haha.

Hope you're holding up well,

Em

[BenignSky]

Hey again, James,

You're the only one who I know that comes through here, so this is directed to you, aha.

But I wasn't good today...in regards to eating...I had no breakfast, a mandarin for my break, no lunch, nothing when I got home, then I had not even half of my dinner (the meat wasn't the nice, too fatty) but I still didn't eat. I just don't feel like eating, even when my stomach rumbles, food just doesn't...appeal (?) to me right now. Stress-related? May be. Last year, around the same time, I was constantly feeling nauseous and could barely eat anything without wanting to throw up. I wonder if this is kind of like the same thing?

My back is out, and there's a particular disc that affects your digestion, so maybe that's a potential outlet too. It's just a matter of getting to my chiro - it's too far away and too hard for me to go by public transport, both my parents are working full time and can't take days off, my weekends are filled with work and my chiro usually doesn't work on weekends, and my brother is in Year 12 and is too busy studying/being with his girlfriend/partying/at gym (where I should be) to drive me anywhere.

Maybe I just need to toughen up, who knows, haha.

I want to say I'm sorry though, for not eating. I didn't do it consciously, I didn't starve myself, but I still feel bad for it. I did try to eat.

Anyway, hope you're going okay and that your night is treating you well,

Em

[BenignSky]

It is so cold tonight, and the sky is so clear and I'm so lonely (I've been 'banished' by my friends and family because I think I've got bronchitis or some other chest infection right before exams) so no one will give me a hug. Is it just me, that when you're sick, you get even more clingy and needy for someone else to be there? I just want to hug, feel someone else's warmth, know that I am loved - pretty sure I'm just plain weird.

I'm gonna go lie down in bed with my cow and billions of blankets and pillows and watch anime because that's the girl behind this screen. I'll probably cry. I got so emotional today.

Dunno who sees this, if anyone will see this, but hey to whoever is out there, and I hope you are travelling well.

[james1]

Hey Em,

Sorry I haven't been here. It's been super busy my way and I just crash out at night.

I've read before that those of us who really need a hug or something to feel loved often do that because we don't feel like we can love ourselves, or that we even deserve love at all. I'm like that, and I know there are lots of others. I dunno - I found it interesting because it's definitely something I know I have to work on.

We both deserve to be loved both by others, and by ourselves. It's super hard and takes a while to learn, but I think it's really important that we both try. Is this something you ever think about?

Hope your Sunday has been okay! I'm going to see Wonder Woman tonight.

James

[BenignSky]

Hey,

No please, don't apologise. No one should apologise for being busy and living. I hope Wonder Woman is good for you, and that you enjoy it. I also hope everything is going alright for you.

I don't deserve love. I am a bad person. I don't deserve kindness. I want it, I crave it, it makes me sad when I see everyone else with their friends, loved ones and other half loving one another, but I don't deserve it. If I did, the people who said they had feelings for me would have meant it, not parade their love with my best friend in front of me, or use me for sexual purposes and tell me they love me then turn around and tell me everything that's wrong with me but continue to keep me in their life for whatever reason hoping I could 'take a hint', nor would the guy I am currently in love with have told me how wonderful and incredible I am and say that we have a connection and if I were in Colorado we'd so 'totally be together' then tell me a week after I poured my heart out to him about how I feel that I'm not good enough and he found someone better and tell me how much he loves her. He's my best friend but god it hurts.

My heart gets broken every day.

I break it myself.

If I was deserving of love, my friends would invite me places, talk to me, come over when I invite them over, come to my birthday instead of making lame excuses then asking 'what's on today' after telling me you couldn't come. My friends would notice when something is wrong, but we live in such a self-centred world, everyone has blinders on.

It gets lonely. My world is lonely and so small, and I just wish someone would come along and mean it when they say they care, that they love me, that I'm their best friend. I wish someone would come along and be completely enamoured with me, and we click and get along so well - I thought I had that three times. Three bloody times, and the 'third time lucky' I struck out.

Is it bad that I just want to be grabbed and kissed and to hold someone's hand and go to sleep knowing that when I wake up, I'm still anchored to the ground, that no one has left me, that their arms are still around me and that someone, for once in my life is happy to see me? That someone genuinely wants me around? That I mean something, anything to someone?

Am I not deserving of love?

What is it about me that is so repulsive?

Am I not human?

Why am I not good enough?

I'm really sick; 7:00pm and I'm in bed. I wish someone was in bed with me.

[james1]

Hey Em,

I hope you don't mind if I'm blunt, but it sounds like you're really struggling with what your sexual assault. I don't just mean this in terms of feeling used, but often people who've experienced sexual assault also talk about being "bad" and not being deserving. These are the ways people break us from the inside in ways we don't even notice.

You are deserving of love. You are not repulsive. You are human.

Have you watched Perks of being a Wallflower?

There's a line in that: "We accept the love we think we deserve."

I don't know all these people you associate with but they keep hurting you and you keep going back.

Things will not change unless you challenge your own thoughts. Bullies will keep bullying unless you fight back, and right now these thoughts are bullying you.

Your friend in Colarado - he hurt you. You hold onto him tighter. That is understandable, but it's also making things more painful for you. He is not right for you - you need to move on.

You mentioned before that you could do this alone, or with him at your side. You need your psychologist at your side, or another psychologist if you aren't comfortable with this one.

We can't help you fix the loneliness inside of you, but we can support you as you fix it with a psychologist.

Have you made an appointment since last time?

James