I Don't Even Know Anymore...

[BenignSky]

Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?

[ahw309]

Hi Em,

I'm so sorry you're hurting and lonely and tired. It is so so hard sometimes.

Alone with someone... the amount of times I've wanted that...

I hope work is going well for you 🙂

I've been thinking of you and thought of this quote from Harry Potter: 'I want you to listen to me very carefully, Em (haha). You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to.'

Not sure if it resonates with you but I just thought of it.

And just in case no one has told you today: you're an amazing, beautiful, talented person with a never ending heart. And we're here for you!

Also no pressure ever to reply to anything!! So don't worry if you miss replying or reply late etc. 🙂

[BballJ]

Hi BenignSky,

I found your thread and was reading bits and pieces of it and wanted to reach out and offer my support, not sure if you have seen my posting around the forums but I am here to listen to anyone and everyone when they want to vent and talk. I noticed a few of your posts are middle of the night when not a lot of people are on. James1 has been doing a great job replying to you as well.

May I ask how you are feeling currently? I know Sophie_M asked if you were suicidal which is a valid question and glad you answered it.

One thing I have taken from your posts is that you are young and your whole life is ahead of you, I know it may not be what you want to hear but you really do. I know how it can feel to be lonely however and we all just want to feel wanted in all aspects of life. You will get through this.

My best for you,

Jay

[BenignSky]

Hi,

Yeah, I have seen you post around a lot, you give some good and valid advice, I admire that. And yeah, James has done a fantastic job, along with ahw- both have been a great help and support system through my stupid petty teenage angst.

How I'm feeling? Not entirely sure, but somewhere between I don't care anymore, I care too much and borderline crying. Also very angry and easily irritated, myself being the reason.

Yeah, haha, I know I'm young. Makes me feel stupid for getting so upset about exams for example or being alone and unrequited love and literally having no friends. It's what every teenager goes through or thinks so why do I feel I'm different or 'special'?

thanks for your reply,

Em

[BenignSky]

I don't feel good.

[BenignSky]

I have no one to talk to and I don't know what to do

[Sophie_M]

Hi BenignSky, have you tried taking a look around the other threads on the forums here and getting involved in the discussions?  We would like you to get the best out of your time on the forums.  Have a look at these guide threads:

Forums etiquette: give support to receive support

Newbies guide: 5 tips for getting the most out of the forums

[BenignSky]

You're right, I'm sorry, I've been horrible. I'll make more of an effort, and I'm sorry for being so rude and self-centred

[Zeal]

Hey Em,

It's rough that you're feeling so much emotional distress right now. You are definitely not rude or self-centred. The suggestion to add to other discussions and explore the forums more is for your benefit. Ruminating on your own thoughts can enhance your distress further, so involving yourself in other aspects of the forum would be good. I hope I explained that alright 😛

We want the best for you Em 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[james1]

Hey Em, I wouldn't call you self-centered or rude at all. It can be really hard when we're in distress to see outside of that distress cloud, but that's why it can be good to check out other people's posts. It is a good reminder that you're not alone in these feelings, and that it's okay to feel that way.

You've got a great way with helping people feel better about themselves and helping others can often help us feel a little better too.

James

[BenignSky]

I must be though. I have people tell me that all the time. I can't make anyone happy, even when that's my intentions, I only make them hate me or feel worse about whatever it is I was trying to make them feel good about. I must have done something. I expect help but don't give it (purely because I don't know what to say). I don't want to pretend I know how people feel because I know that is the worst thing to be done.

I don't want to be at school. I want to be at home, in bed. The bed which I cried in last night after realising how alone I am, that no one was there, and the person I want to be there, can't and never will be. I want to be asleep. I don't want this CAT that is suddenly due today when 'reports' have to be written in like two days. I don't want food. I don't want this headache. I don't want to catch the bus home. I don't want it to be loud.

I haven't spoken to someone who I thought was my best friend in a month. She refuses to talk to me or sit next to me. I don't know what I've done. I don't know how I mess things up so bad. I'm so socially awkward and different and just bad that I can't function properly in society. I can't do anything right.

I can't focus on just one thing, my mind is elsewhere.

People say they care, but do they? If they did, why do i never get asked anywhere, you know? Why can people drop me like I mean nothing? I always have such a bad impact on people. Why can't I be better? I've tried being better, but I can't be better.

So what do I do? How do I feel? I don't even know how I feel. That's a scary feeling. When you don't know how you feel. All I know is I'm hungry, but I am still in class.

Discovered something...concerning? Weird? about myself yesterday.