I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

[Emmy.]

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

[Sapphire_]

Sorry to see you had a rough day too. Its hard when you dont know what your triggers are. Im still figuring mine out too. I hope your feeling better now and have a better day tomorrow.

Xx

[Chloe_M]

Wow Emmy did you write this?? It's insane, I love it. It's beautiful really. And I can relate to it as well...

how are you today?

[Emmy.]

Yep I wrote the poem. Enjoy writing as an outlet. My psychiatrist says I’m not to as they’re too dark - oops. Oh well.

[startingnew]

HI Emmy

ive just been catching up on here, it sounds like youve been having a rough time too. i wish i had a magic wand so i could help everyone and rid of their mh issues. i loved reading your poem. your very talanted. writings a great outlet for me too.

how are you going today?

[Emmy.]

Does anyone else battle with excoriation disorder (dermatillomania)?

[Ggrand]

Hello Emmy,

Sorry I haven't been in to visit you for a while, I haven't been well with a cold, but that's changing now yay..cold dissapearing and I'm feeling better..

I used to battle dermatilliomanial, a year back, I'd be at my skin constantly when my anxiety was high, I didnt even realise I was doing it..ended up with an infection that helped me to stop.. I stopped doing it with with a lot of concerntration, but I changed that habit to rubbing and twisting my hands when I talk to people, I suppose it's better the hands instead of the mess my skin got into..

Warm hugs,

Grandy..

[Chloe_M]

Nope I don't sorry Em, I'm actually undiagnosed but seeing the gp next Monday

How are you feeling today?

hugs 🤗❤️ Chloe

[White_Rose]

Hello Emmy

I have not met you before on the forum so want to say hello. It's amazing how someone can write as many posts as you have and I have not 'seen' you. I gather you started a post elsewhere but I have not seen it. Can you you tell me which forum it is in and the thread title.

I have not read all your post, first and second page, as I wanted to reply to you. I see you have similar interests to me. I am a member of a book club. Have been for about 15 years. I also embroider. Some of it is counted cross stitch and some the more conventional embroidery. Many years ago I embroidered a four foot square tablecloth with a map of Australia. Never used it on the table and instead have it hanging on the wall. I like many crafts and sometimes get frustrated that I cannot do them all at once. I also knit and found lots of pleasure knitting for my family.

I see you have a very low opinion of yourself. Not having read your earlier post I am unaware of why you feel like this. It is of course the depression that makes you feel like this and the depression that stops you seeing yourself as other see you. The Black Dog has a lot to answer for. I have said this many times about my thoughts on the dog. Your job is to teach it some manners. Teach it to walk at heel and not bark all the time. This barking stops you hearing the voices of those who care for you.

I know it's frustrating that others do not understand depression and why you are so dispirited at times. It is a hard concept and often only understand by those who have been there. How long have you been seeing your two psychs? I am surprised they think you not strong enough to look at some of your past. I most certainly acknowledge I am not an expert in this field. In my journey I have found the wonderfulness (is that a word?) of laying a ghost to rest. Yes it has been painful and it is only one of many but oh how fantastic to know the whys and wherefores.

For me the important part has been to understand how my past has impeded my present and potentially my future. I have a fairly low opinion of myself and I find I hide behind it at times. It has taken a long struggle to even think about somethings because it has meant getting past the emotion and that is so uncomfortable, well painful really. We get led astray by our emotions and the dog joins in to further confuse us and leave muddy paw prints all over.

I hope to continue chatting with you if this is OK with you.

Mary

[Music_Freak]

I had to google what it was but, yeah, I kind of think I do. I've always picked, I always thought it was a form of self harm with me. Not diagnosed, just thinking it's maybe yet another flaw of mine...

Anyway, I get where your psychiatrist is coming from about your writing being too dark in a way, like by doing it you're staying in/comfortable with the darkness/dark mood. But I also think if you have to get it out onto paper, do it.

[startingnew]

HI Emmy

i did have to look it up, im undiagnosed however its something i do constantly. i was told its a subconscious reaction so often i dont know im doing it until someone points it out or i scratch to much or something draws my attention to that spot.

how are things going for you today?