I can't find the right place for me to post

[Moonstruck]

I don't know any more where to put a new thread if I make one, or which ones to join in. I always used Anxiety because that is my major condition but that has been relatively under control lately - I feel Depressed today - but I don't qualify for the topics there either. I'm depressed mainly because there doesn't seem a place for me. I love some of the threads and personal thoughts for example in Staying Well, but I can't join in there, because I don't have any tips for Staying Well.

I tend to have almost paranoid thoughts through over-thinking "problems" that I would like to talk over but don't know where to talk them over before they reach the paranoid stage...I want to avoid that. I join in the Social threads saying light hearted jokey things because thats the only place I seem to belong.

I dwell on any problems my adult sons have in various aspects of their life and want to "fix things for them" - our relationship is very loving and close though - they are wonderful to me - so there is no real "problem" with my relationship with them....so I don't seem to belong in the "relationships, family" section either do I?

I worry about them all the time - when I tried to express this on forum I think it was misconstrued that I had "empty nest syndrome" - trying to adapt to my sons' leaving home....No, that's not it...they've been gone for years and years...I am a grandmother.

I liked the Getting to Know You, or is it Me? thread very much - but have been given suggestions how to start my own thread and what section to use etc and get the feeling I'm being steered away from there too.

So I am still confused. I don't feel particularly anxious today, so this shouldn't even be in Anxiety! Do you see my dilemma?

In fact the more I write the more I feel like crying - I don't know where to go next.

[Moonstruck]

Hello friends.....yes I have been away and not been back home that long.  It went without any major hitches, the main thing being how much love I felt from my son and grand kids....it was lovely and I am so proud of my son....to know he loves me so much also is priceless.   There had been lot of hassle with out major airport with evacuations, security scares etc...resulting in cancellations, lateness etc, but I got through unscathed thank God.  weather was great too .   Could hardly wait to pick up my cat from the motel and he survived too and seems glad to be home with me, gradually realising that Yes, this is home, this is his territory, the smells are famiiar and its wonderful to have him with me again.

I didn't realise before how important he was to me. I got him not long after my partner died and did not realise the importance of having just this one animal companion had become to me.  so all in all, it was"workable" as I read somewhere when a woman with my problems about going away, changed her lifelong "it won't work out" to "its all workable"   she had inherited huge anxiety and always aware of what "could" go wrong...from her own mother who was afraid of everything.  So was mine..."what if it rains" what if, what if.....children pick up attitudes and fears so easily from parents.....I am glad I mastered it and went through with the plans, not falling to pieces or having any anxiety attacks......I suppose I ought to say "Good on You" but not used to congratulating myself about such everyday things...anyway friends, I survived and seeing my family was wonderful......xx

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Moon, waves to everyone and hugs…🤗..

I want to give you a big congratulations sweet Moon for doing so well and in having a beautiful and loving time with your son and grandchildren….Our children’s love definitely is priceless…I am so pleased for you that you felt all the love he has for you…no doubt he felt that same love from you….

I agree, one little creature can make a huge difference to our lives as each day they bestow  their presence and love to us…..I can only imagine how special being back home with your precious little kitty is…..I really am so happy that both you and your cat are back home safely in each other’s arms/paws and love..

Hugs, care and love dear sweet Moon….

Grandy..

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

Yay you!!!   I'm so happy for you that your trip went well... how wonderful you got to spend time with your loved ones & felt their love for you... as I'm sure they felt your love for them... special memories made for all of you.

Our furs do fill an important part in our lives... your kitty must have been happy enough at the cat motel... but I'm sure he is as pleased to be back with you as you are to be back with him...

Hugs

Paws

[mmMekitty]

You better congratulate yourself, Moon, YOU did brilliantly! Be prou of being able to organise the trip, find a good place for your cat, go through the airport stuff, on the plane, enjoy the holiday, reconnect so well with family, all in the face of your fears. That's Courage. That's what courage is - being able to do the things you need & want, even while feeling fears & thinking al the things that can go wrong.

You've had this challenge, & you've met it & you smashed it!

You're shining bright for me tonight!

I had a similar experience with Mekitty, when she went missing for 9 days. I was missing her, sure, but when she returned, the relief I felt was as if the fear of having lost her was ten times as much as I had dared think before. It was so intencse, I could barely believe she was back.

No, I will never not miss er, & have a place inside where I grieve her loss evryday.

While I had her, she brightened my days, had me laughing, feeling love for her no matter what, which felt like nothing I have known. She put up with me, well, almost all the time. I don't know any other relationship than the relationships we can have with our pets.

Hugzie

mmMekitty

[Moonstruck]

mmMekitty...thank you for your lovely words of encouragement.   This is for everyone if they happen to read it and wondering what you all think?  Re the BB phone helpline..it's been great for me over the years...I don't ring all that often but they always help me.   

 at the end of the conversation, they usually, or probably every time...have to ask the question "Do you have any thoughts of harming yourself"..i.e. suicide.   I had a thought about the word "harm".  Perhaps it is the wrong word.    I think some folk when they have crossed over that line from struggling with life...to actually making up their mind to leave...the word "harm" doesn't occur to them.   To someone at that stage , ending their life does not seem "harm" but a welcome release from suffering, whether physical or emotional.

e.g.  I have heard it described like this: "Like when you are at a fabulous dinner party with heaps of lovely food and you have had your fill, and calmly push your chair back and decide  "I've had enough".  No thoughts of "harm or pain or destruction"...just "had enough".    

So perhaps some callers on the brink of suicide, or may have made that decision and feeling calm about it, would answer "No"when asked if they want to "harm" themselves.  They don't want to "harm or injure" themself, they've just "had enough"....time to leave the table.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

You have described it perfectly... I know I never considered it harm whenever I was in that place... I also felt 'safe' at those times so that would not be a useful alternative.

Though I have always answered that question as it was meant not as I felt... I would assume not everyone does... Now you have me wondering what would be a better way to phrase that it... 

Paws

[CMF]

Dear Moon,

Congratulations.  I'm so happy you got to spend time with your family & feel the love.

I hope this beautiful memory of everything working out stays in your mind do that next time there is no fear or anxiety.

Luv ya

Cmf x

[mmMekitty]

Hi Moon. I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas before today ends! I hope you have had a happy & peaceful day, some good food,entertainment, & such. I had just about forgotten your Festive Penguin, then its little beak lit up, to remind me, there's someone thinking kind & gentle thoughts about you, people who love you in the world, & you will not be forgotten. Your Festive Penguin will be wherever you need, when need something to focus on, to help you through the anxious times. You can keep it (invisible to everyone but you), in your hand, or in a pocket, or riding in your bag, then when home, anywhere you like. It is a calming, gentle light when thoughts & feeling come crowding in, & as it shines, these thoughts & feeling simply have to retreat.

That's my best wish for you: the imagination to help you when you need.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[quirkywords]

Moon

glad you had a lovely time with son and grandchildren and you managed the trip.

well done. 

i think the analogy of the meal and having enough is food for thought. 

Thanks for your honesty in sharing your thoughts through your posts. 

[Moonstruck]

Thank yoummMekitty....I haven't posted for a while as I loathe the Xmas season, the hype, the media crap that goes on...telling everyone its a time to be happy with family and friends.  I have some of both, but its a dagger in the heart, just rubbing it in for those who don't have either.       Its a dreadful time for people grieving a loved one, dreadful for those short of money, dreadful for kids when one parent is absent.....its a dreadful time...and I found this one particularly awful, from start to finish.

My old "fear of going out" is rearing its ugly head again....really scared to go even down the main street.  I feel "safe" in my home, safe in my own neighbourhood...and dread having to attend medical appointments etc in the main part of my city.   what am I scared of?  I haven't a clue.  I have had so much loss in my life I'm sick of it...sick of "loss"   I can't keep anything, nothing stays with me...everything and everyone leaves.

I even face in the near future, its begun already...the loss of my beloved activity/hobby which has dominated my life...why?   easy answer.....age!    My age and inevitable older looks, are now wielding their cruel weapons....I am not,and don't look "young" enough...no one's fault...happens to everyone.  My body won't let me do it any more.  How I will cope with this yet another....Loss......I think will destroy me.  I feel I have nothing to look forward to in the coming years.  I don't know "how to be" this age I have become....thank you for caring....