I can't find the right place for me to post

[Moonstruck]

I don't know any more where to put a new thread if I make one, or which ones to join in. I always used Anxiety because that is my major condition but that has been relatively under control lately - I feel Depressed today - but I don't qualify for the topics there either. I'm depressed mainly because there doesn't seem a place for me. I love some of the threads and personal thoughts for example in Staying Well, but I can't join in there, because I don't have any tips for Staying Well.

I tend to have almost paranoid thoughts through over-thinking "problems" that I would like to talk over but don't know where to talk them over before they reach the paranoid stage...I want to avoid that. I join in the Social threads saying light hearted jokey things because thats the only place I seem to belong.

I dwell on any problems my adult sons have in various aspects of their life and want to "fix things for them" - our relationship is very loving and close though - they are wonderful to me - so there is no real "problem" with my relationship with them....so I don't seem to belong in the "relationships, family" section either do I?

I worry about them all the time - when I tried to express this on forum I think it was misconstrued that I had "empty nest syndrome" - trying to adapt to my sons' leaving home....No, that's not it...they've been gone for years and years...I am a grandmother.

I liked the Getting to Know You, or is it Me? thread very much - but have been given suggestions how to start my own thread and what section to use etc and get the feeling I'm being steered away from there too.

So I am still confused. I don't feel particularly anxious today, so this shouldn't even be in Anxiety! Do you see my dilemma?

In fact the more I write the more I feel like crying - I don't know where to go next.

[mmMekitty]

Yeah, Moon, that was a very good explanation. It helps me see it clearer than before.

I have been learning to recognise when I would if I could control all manner of things beyond what I possibly could. These are things that also get me instantly cranky & frustrated. It's not my fault, but I react as if it is, as if I should be able to control more than I realistically can.

While I'm focusing on those things, I am not giving any thought or consideration, nor practical effort into dealing with the things I really can do something about.

Don't get very far this way, eh?

Hope you, & everyone reading, is keeping well.

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Thanks, Quirky, for asking Moon the question - if you had not asked, would Moon have given us such a great explanation?

Hugzies for all!

mmMekitty

[quirkywords]

Moon

thanks for those quotes. I will look for that book.

i need to read the quotes a few times .

while we may live with uncertainty we may want to change it or find it hard to accept. 

[Moonstruck]

I find it hard to accept too.  It's awful, horrible.  I wake every morning filled with uncertainty about how my trip away will go...a few weeks now. something I have done many times without a thought.  The weather here is totally erratic and as uncertain as we have ever known it...really really unpredictable.    what alternative do I have but to keep reminding myself I have done the groundwork and bookings, just go with the flow...or the other unthinkable alternative which is cancelling the trip!!  what would that say to my grandchildren and my son?    "sorry I can't come because I am scared"..."scared of what Mum?".....of the uncertainty!!    If there's no trip happening, there's no uncertainty to keep me in this state of anxiety is there?   

I notice the word "safe" is cropping up in my thoughts and words these days...I can put these negative changes in me as beginning around when my partner died and growing stronger ever since. I wasnt like this at all, when he was alive.  I am no expert but can think of no other explanation for my overwhelming fear of "what is going to happen to me next?".        I go to the same supermarkets, stores and petrol stations , because I feel "safe" there.  I know the lay of the land you could say.  So what am I so scared of?    an additional concern for me this year re my trip away...is my cat that I have to leave in a boarding place. I have checked it out and it's very very impressive...really nice with understanding caring staff.  I doubt I could do any better...top of the range....BUT there is still uncertainty about how he will feel, will he be too stressed, will he be hard to settle  when I return...but, but but..do I try and fight this uncertainty for the next 4 weeks until I leave?   If I continue to do so, I will be such a mess it will spoil everything for me, even before I get on a plane!!   And yet, here I stay, in the boxing ring with uncertainty...fighting with all my might to win over it.   I won't.  No one ever does.  "worry" loves it. worry is having a lovely time with me because I'm listening to it...oh yes worry is having a ball with me just now.        { I picked the winner of the Melbourne Cup by the way..I know nothing about racing but I believe there's plenty of uncertainty around that race....I was not invested emotionally in any way, so the outcome didn't bother me .)  complicated things, we humans.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Moon,

I also learned, when thinking all the horrible scenarios I feared, how few were at all likely. I learned to question, how likely is this, to each one. Then, realistically, what can I control, what can I do, change, fix about each scenario. Truthfully, very effing little, especially if I discount the option of not living my life. I've got to get up & do things - I can't let these anxieties I've had stop me every time.

So, what then? Accept that if I go out & walk on my own, I am going to feel anxious. Right now, that's a fact of life. If I go out anyway, I am choosing, I am incontrol, not the anxiety, of whether or not I go out.

If we allow, anxiety can deny us so much, keep us from achieving so much, & having regrets about what we couldn't do because the anxiety took over.

A little anxiety can be useful, warning us of danger, for example. I think what I've been working on is cutting this beastie down to size. What is a realistic response to my concerns about walking along the footpath on my own? & what can I co to to mitigate the actual risks I'd be taking? These are things I can do, things I control.

Much as I don't like it, I can't control anyone else but me. I can learn to ask for help, but that doesn't mean I can force anyone to help me. I can learn how to ask for what I need. I can't expect people to know what I need & how to help me get what I need, if they can, that is.

There is really no use fretting & getting upset about the limits of my control. If I want to respect others as having the same right to choose that I want to have, then I cannot expect to control them.

I am sure you are preparing as best as you can. If you have a check list of everything you want to include in your preparations, then you can also be sure you haven't forgotten anything.

I'm just trying to remember, what is it, exactly, that causes you to feel most anxious? What's the worst of the worst that could happen, if you can't go?

I wish I could assure you - but what will happen is beyond my control. I can only keep hoping everything will go ahead as planned.

mmMekitty

[ecomama]

Hey Moon, waves to quirky, Kitty and CMF AND ALL others reading along! 

Loved that post about "being in the ring and fighting etc".... 

YES! 
Aren't we a bunch of thought FULL people? hahaha... 

I don't fight. 
I nurture. 
Then when I've said "enough", that's enough. 

The ONLY things within our control are our THOUGHTS and our ACTIONS. 

Isn't that exciting! lol. 

Knowing we can literally control our thoughts, is empowering. 
We feel power FULL when we have control of our thoughts. 

So good stuff IN means good stuff comes OUT. 

NB: Healed people HEAL PEOPLE! 

Imagine our home, our neighbourhood, our town, our country HEALED! 
It starts with our thoughts and flows through to our actions every single moment of every single day. 

You caught the clarity of what IS there? 
The power within us to guard our thoughts, change them! Then replace them and ACT on the beautiful life we know is here. 
Dr Joe and Abraham have all sorts of clips on YT to support all of this every moment. 

Sending you all LOVE and HEALING
EMxxxx

[Moonstruck]

Thanks EM...hello to  Kitty too.....I seem to have calmed down a bit...you poor people listening to my trivial problems about going away for a weekend....oh Heavens, there she goes again, panicking about nothing!!  well a bit of relief for me in finding the perfect Christmas gifts to take away with me for the little kids..its what they wanted to...and it all just fell into place.  Store keepers were co operative and there they were....easy...I wrapped them already.

Kitty, another bit of the book mentioned how Worry, once it knows we're listening to it with open ears, throws in that if something doesn't go quite to plan, it will be a life and death situation.  { oh really??) and if there is any kind of hiccup,we won't be able to handle it...in other words, we are weak and stupid and not able to handle any little unplanned thing that may crop up....wrong!!!    But  we "Believe" Worry..so Uncertainty { which is always there in everyone's life) gets scarier and scarier....sorry if this is hard to understand this if a bit clumsily written....but it makes sense in the book!!    the main thing is that I have relaxed a little and thank you for your encouragement.  I am reading The Happiness Trap now for the first time to see what I can get out of that!

[mmMekitty]

Hi Moon,

Glad to hear you feel you are settling down. I hope the reading helps.

I want to object to you saying your worries are trivial etc. - I read how much the trip means to you, so I think the worries you have are not tiny little things to be dismissed by us or yourself, for that matter. If they were so small, wouldn't you have flicked them away, like mozzies coming for afternoon tea?

'Catastrophising' is a very common thing people with anxiety do. It's a hard set of thoughts & feelings to deal with, especially as the fears seems so real. The main thing I have to remember, is how often, after the events that had me so worried are over, how silly the extreme thoughts & fears were. It's like they just wither or melt into a mess at my feet, now easily, I can imagine using a dust pan & brush, gathering them up & throwing them into the bin.

I end up only dealing with some embarrassment, thinking what I thought, maybe telling someone, like my PDr, & having to talk to him again. It feels embarrassing - &, in comparison, that feels a small feeling to allow to show. It's no shame to have had extreme fears, none at all, moon, so talk to someone you trust. Don't let them trivialise your feelings. Doing that is about accepting what we feel.

Truly, I find accepting what I am feeling is a whole lot easier than trying to minimize ordeny the feelings & keeping everything closed up inside.

I'm proud of you for the effort you are making to work through these feelings in order to achieve your important goal.

Hugzies, for you & your family.

mmMekitty

[CMF]

Dead Moon,

Your feelings re going away for a weekend are not trivial.  They are real for you. I understand as I get anxious about going away also.

I hear you & understand. 

Love ya

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

Moon

I find your posts very relatable . I am not sure if you have been away and are back or are going soon. 
i worry when I go away to visit family. I need to get a train but worry when I have to change trains. My children think I am silly. 
i enjoy reading your honest insights and your willingness to learn and change.