I can't find the right place for me to post

[Moonstruck]

I don't know any more where to put a new thread if I make one, or which ones to join in. I always used Anxiety because that is my major condition but that has been relatively under control lately - I feel Depressed today - but I don't qualify for the topics there either. I'm depressed mainly because there doesn't seem a place for me. I love some of the threads and personal thoughts for example in Staying Well, but I can't join in there, because I don't have any tips for Staying Well.

I tend to have almost paranoid thoughts through over-thinking "problems" that I would like to talk over but don't know where to talk them over before they reach the paranoid stage...I want to avoid that. I join in the Social threads saying light hearted jokey things because thats the only place I seem to belong.

I dwell on any problems my adult sons have in various aspects of their life and want to "fix things for them" - our relationship is very loving and close though - they are wonderful to me - so there is no real "problem" with my relationship with them....so I don't seem to belong in the "relationships, family" section either do I?

I worry about them all the time - when I tried to express this on forum I think it was misconstrued that I had "empty nest syndrome" - trying to adapt to my sons' leaving home....No, that's not it...they've been gone for years and years...I am a grandmother.

I liked the Getting to Know You, or is it Me? thread very much - but have been given suggestions how to start my own thread and what section to use etc and get the feeling I'm being steered away from there too.

So I am still confused. I don't feel particularly anxious today, so this shouldn't even be in Anxiety! Do you see my dilemma?

In fact the more I write the more I feel like crying - I don't know where to go next.

[Moonstruck]

You are right. A huge weight lifted. I could almost physically "feel" the weight lift from my shoulders - the relief at being able to breathe at last was immense. I realise this goes against everything we are "supposed" to feel when a parent passes away....but I can only tell it how it was in my own experience.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Moon,

You know what I think? Good on you for owning your own truth. There are so many unspoken conventions and "rules" about how a person "should" or "shouldn't" feel that sometimes those rules can threaten to crowd out how we truly feel.

I think that you articulated it perfectly yourself, "...the relief at being able to breathe at last was immense." Like being finally unshackled. When a certain family member of mine passed, I too felt enormous relief. I could finally be my own person. So in my own little way, and even if our stories are different, I hear you...own your truth.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Moonstruck]

Glad you understand Peppermint. One thing I have not experienced and never will....is that feeling of having one person, just one person, who is always on your side, someone you can always call up and say "I'm sad, help me" and cry all over them and it's OK with them.....because if no one will listen, or care, or take your side, I believe your "Mum"always will.

(I certainly know that is the case with my two adult boys....they can call me any time, about anything, major or trivial, nothing is too silly for me to listen to - they can always call their Mother) What does it feel like I wonder? To have someone who will always love you, no matter what, no matter what bad decisions you make, how you over-react or dramatise things, whether you make a hash of things or not.....Your Mother is always on your side...or so I have heard!

I suspect there are exceptions, indeed with some of our own Forum members....whose relationships with their Mothers are conflicted and difficult. I just don't know what it "feels like" to "have a mother". Something I will never find out I guess.

[CMF]

Moon,

You do a pretty good job at providing something you never had. Sometimes people who have not received that love and nurturing find it hard to give it and I totally understand that, but you do a great job.

Your sons are very lucky boys.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Moonstruck,

I know exactly how you feel. My mother is in late stages of dementia and we were told last night to be prepared as the end is close.

Like you I know I will feel a lot of relief as we also never had a mother daughter bond. I will also feel guilt as I do now that I was never enough. I will feel sad for the same reasons .

My psych has said many times its amazing I am able to give myself to my kids like do considering I never had that as a child. My explanation being if I did everything opposite to my parents then I will be doing a great job and both my kids are well adjusted loving, caring adults,

And yet I will travel hours tomorrow for one last chance for mum to say anything that will make it alright .

Stressless

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Moon,

To have someone who will always love you, no matter what, no matter what bad decisions you make, how you over-react or dramatise things, whether you make a hash of things or not.....Your Mother is always on your side...or so I have heard!

I feel there's a real sense of sadness and feelings of rejection and loss over your relationship with your mum. Unconditional love...the type of love that many people associate with mums (and dads). I think maybe that's what you're craving.

I would echo CMF and Stressless' words: you have worked hard to give your children what you didn't have, and that you're incredible for doing that. Your children will always know what is unconditional love, and that's because of you. That's your legacy.

But the sad part is it still doesn't change the fact that your own need for unconditional love hasn't been met. There's love and then there's unconditional love and there's a big difference between the 2.

Hugs and kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Moonstruck]

Hello Peppermint.....Cheryl Strayed in her book Tiny Beautiful Things (she wrote an advice column once, these are excerpts from it). She would have said I have a "mother-sized hole inside that cannot be filled". and that I was trying, by my constant people-pleasing and avoiding confrontation or arguments, to experience unconditional love - but I never will. "this mother sized hole". Can I fill it myself?

I can think of only 2 people who I could honestly say love me. My sons. That's enough. It was unusual I guess, when I became a mother that I could nurture them so easily...that unconditionally loving them came so easily...when I had had no role model to learn it from. It did though, thank God.

I've loved other people too, unconditionally, not in a pathetic grovelling way....and everyone has eventually left me. I am so tired of losing people. (and pets) Best not to love then I can avoid the intense pain of loss. How can I turn my "love tap" off, so no one can get any of it any more? Please someone tell me how to cut off the supply.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Moon,

Cheryl Strayed was (is) a very wise person- she gets it. Hmm...filling the "mother size hole" is a painful and difficult one to fill. My honest answer is that I think some people find ways to fill it whereas others struggle with it their whole lives.

Your love for and from your sons is precious and beautiful. I don't know...maybe it was instinct that guided your unconditional love for them. Maybe your sons, in a way, help you fill part of that hole; sometimes nurturing others helps us nurture ourselves too.

You clearly have a lot of love to give but also crave love too. But you've obviously been let down and hurt by people that you gave your heart to...no wonder you're feeling drained and fearful.

Best not to love then I can avoid the intense pain of loss. How can I turn my "love tap" off, so no one can get any of it any more?

I think no one can tell you what to do and it goes without saying that, at the end of the day, all choices are yours to make. My subjective input? Sure, you can theoretically turn off your "love tap" and emotionally keep the world out to "protect" your heart but I think ultimately, you'll end up hurting yourself by doing that. Like you end up hurting you by building a sky high wall around yourself because sure, while nothing "comes in" to hurt you, nothing comes out either. That sounds very lonely. Just my 2c.

But on the flip side, I'm not exactly saying give your heart to just anyone either.

Can I make a suggestion? Maybe it would help to focus on you for now- you sound like you could do with Moon doing things just for Moon. It could be carving out more "me time", spending more time on hobbies, joining local hobby groups, etc...I suppose what I'm getting at is getting to know different parts of yourself, nurturing yourself and treating yourself well. My suggestions might sound trivial and bandaid-like but what I'm trying to get across is rebuilding a stronger Moon and re-channelling some of that unconditional love away from others and more towards yourself. Rebuilding. Nurturing you.

I'm not saying that I have the answers or anything like that but thought that I would share my thoughts.

Warm wishes,

Pepper

[Moonstruck]

Hello all my friends. this I fear, may turn out to be nothing more than a "vent" is that OK?

as some of you know, for the past almost 2 months now I have been devastated by the loss of a pet of many years, not being able to accept closure, because I don't know what happened to him. the grief of not knowing has been insurmountable for me.

I did realise I had to "get on with life" and nurture myself, do things for ME..now. so i did that. I had something happening that I knew for sure, would be good for me, and go a big big way to my healing..it even took my mind of my pet for a few moments..which was a miracle in itself. It is now gone. I lost it too. Without going into minute details.....please understand just that I no longer have it either...another precious thing that was beginning to lead me out of despair. Gone.

I get thru the day, and it takes so much effort, talking, smiling, coping. At night i lie in a ball of pain and the tears come at a double dose of grief squashing the life out of me.

I am reminded of years ago when I had one loss after another of things I loved dearly - a marriage, a job (and all the extended "family"and mates and interaction that goes along with it) an important relationship, and the family home. One after another. I developed agoraphobia because I was terrified "what was going to happen to me next?". I couldn't leave the house without self medicating on alcohol. There was no such thing as PTSD or counselling for it. Triggers would have me re-living the events as if they were happening NOW.

I feel I am getting that way again. I now have 2 big losses on top of one another. Please help me.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Moonstruck,

What can we do ? How can we help you going forward? You have all our love and support, you know that , and all the hugs we can squeeze into a post.

Sometimes life just sucks big time doesn't it ? It's so unfair that bad things happen to good people.

Is there someone you can call and be with today ? Just for a chat and a coffee. I wish I could do more. I know when I'm feeling really crap I try and do the opposite to what my head tells me.

I learnt this in hospital- if every part of you is saying curl up and don't go out do the opposite. Get dressed go for a walk or a drive - don't let the darkness win. You will feel better, stronger for resisting.

Use those powerful gorgeous moonbeams to lead you back into the light . Look after yourself

check in later

Stressless