I can't find the right place for me to post

[Moonstruck]

I don't know any more where to put a new thread if I make one, or which ones to join in. I always used Anxiety because that is my major condition but that has been relatively under control lately - I feel Depressed today - but I don't qualify for the topics there either. I'm depressed mainly because there doesn't seem a place for me. I love some of the threads and personal thoughts for example in Staying Well, but I can't join in there, because I don't have any tips for Staying Well.

I tend to have almost paranoid thoughts through over-thinking "problems" that I would like to talk over but don't know where to talk them over before they reach the paranoid stage...I want to avoid that. I join in the Social threads saying light hearted jokey things because thats the only place I seem to belong.

I dwell on any problems my adult sons have in various aspects of their life and want to "fix things for them" - our relationship is very loving and close though - they are wonderful to me - so there is no real "problem" with my relationship with them....so I don't seem to belong in the "relationships, family" section either do I?

I worry about them all the time - when I tried to express this on forum I think it was misconstrued that I had "empty nest syndrome" - trying to adapt to my sons' leaving home....No, that's not it...they've been gone for years and years...I am a grandmother.

I liked the Getting to Know You, or is it Me? thread very much - but have been given suggestions how to start my own thread and what section to use etc and get the feeling I'm being steered away from there too.

So I am still confused. I don't feel particularly anxious today, so this shouldn't even be in Anxiety! Do you see my dilemma?

In fact the more I write the more I feel like crying - I don't know where to go next.

[Moonstruck]

Bless you CMF. I know it sounds so weak to be a "people pleaser"....whereas some can breeze thru life and say "stuff 'em, it's a free country, I'm not hurting anyone so I'll please myself".. sounds like heaven to me!

but the reality is..(and others may disagree that's fine)....if people Like you, and you don't displease them, they are more likely to treat you well. If they don't like you, and your decisions, they are more likely to treat you badly or be nasty or reject you in some way.....that's what I have found anyway.

I remember a line from an old Australian Story with actress Jacki Weaver, who as we know is a very experienced talented lady for many decades on our TV and now Hollywood movies - it went something like this - "I know we all say we don't care what people think of us....but deep down I think we all really do care what people think."

(perhaps its simply a survival mechanism we employ)

[CMF]

Hi Moon,

its not weak at all. I tend to be a people pleaser. If I am really upset with someone, when I see them I will be polite and smiling, cannot speak my mind. You are absolutely right, people treat you better if you don't displease them. I know that from exoerience.

i know I suggested closing the door and not worrying about the neighbour but I also know easier said than done.

speaking of doors, is it that wRm where you are you can leave the door open? We are freezing down here!

cmf x

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Moonstruck and CMF,

I hope you don't mind if I weigh in on your recent "people pleasing" discussion. I think that's a tricky one because there are so many factors: personality, cultural background (e.g. what some cultures consider respectful, others might see as being subservient), upbringing, etc.

I think you might be onto something about the survival mechanism aspect. This is my bedroom "science" btw but like it or hate it, I think we need a certain degree of social cohesion for the human species to survive.

Now, I'm not saying we need to people pleasers for there to be a functional society; what I'm saying is maybe that's what people pleasing stems from if we look at it from an evolutionary perspective. But by the same token, we also need the shakers and movers (the non-pleasers) to move the human race forward. So yeah, I'm basically saying you have made an observant point 🙂

On a personal level, I'm a bit of both. I'm not a people pleaser but I can't say that I don't care about what people think of me either. For things that matter a lot to me, I'll do what I think is right. Even if I know others don't approve, my resolve tends to override my worries about what others think (for the important things).

Pepper

[Moonstruck]

Pepper...you can weigh in about anything - I'm pleased you did. I guess it could arise from a evolutionary survival thing from way way back. I reckon we still carry some of the old "Caveman" stuff in our psyches....particularly in the man/woman relationship area. Some of the very basics from those days haven't been bred out entirely - (I could go on at length about this one but won't now).

No, I would definitely say I am not a "shaker and mover". It takes a lot for me to really let fly and let people know what I think..of the situation, and them - (along with my being a people pleaser and having good manners) - I am, believe it or not, extremely proficient at verbal communication and the power of our English language.

I am capable of annihilating another person just with the delivery of my words....so...I don't let it get to that stage. Unfortunately the series of traumatic events over past years have landed me at the opposite end of the spectrum - now I seem to be a doormat...just to stay "safe".

CMF ......yes we can usually leave the door open if we want.....I'm in sunny Queensland remember?...luv Moon x

[Peppermintbach]

Hi again Moon,

Thank you so much for making me feel so included and welcome 🙂

Oh yes, I think there might be some residue cave people day behaviours in us. Shudders slightly to think what mind could be...

I think it's okay that you don't consider yourself a "mover and shaker." Just imagine if every single person in the world (over 7 billion people) was a mover and shaker? There would be complete anarchy.

By the same token, we can't all be "people pleasers" either; if that was the case, a lot of great discoveries wouldn't have been made, for example. Or they would have still been made but they wouldn't have dared to share them- to go against the "science" of the time.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is neither are necessarily all good or all bad either. I like to think maybe somewhere on the middle of the spectrum (i.e. between being a people pleaser and non-pleaser) is a good place for most people.

Just as a heads up, I have a tendency to see both "sides" in a lot of situations. I think some people mistake it as fence sitting in my daily life. But it's less about fence sitting and more than I can genuinely see 2 or more perspectives. Anyway, enough about my alleged fence sitting. Lol.

Yes, I do believe that you're very capable at using language to articulate your thoughts. I think that trauma can unravel so many people (sorry, I'm not sure if "unravel" is the right word?) that it can leave you engaging differently with the world than you once did.

It was good talk- I enjoyed it.Thanks Moon.

Pepper

[CMF]

Moon,

the way you describe yourself sounds exactly like me!

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Moon and CMF,

I just wanted to quickly type this before I forget. I'm not sure if I'm completely off the mark but I was wondering if it's necessarily people pleasing or if it's more disliking conflict (conflict avoidant)?

It's just that I think sometimes it's less about pleasing someone else but just not wanting to "fight" (so to speak). Mind you, they're not mutually exclusive- you can be both people pleasing and conflict avoidant. But I would suggest that people who are conflict avoidant aren't necessarily people pleasers. Anyway, I don't really know either of you that well but I thought that I would throw the idea out there. Thanks for reading! Must dash now. Talk later.

Pepper

[blondguy]

Hi Pepper (excuse I for hijacking your post Moon)

What an accurate yet caring post. You are not off the mark at all.

Your post is spot on and thankyou Pepper 🙂

Peppermintbach mentioned "It's just that I think sometimes it's less about pleasing someone else
but just not wanting to "fight" (so to speak). Mind you, they're not mutually exclusive- you can be both
people pleasing and conflict avoidant. But I would suggest that people who are conflict avoidant aren't necessarily people pleasers"

Peppermintbach also mentioned " I was wondering if it's necessarily people pleasing or if it's more disliking conflict (conflict avoidant)?"

Im saving this post to my 'Beyond Blue' folder....Its Gold...Please have a read of it everyone..

Thanks again Pepper. I hope you can stick around the forums.....if you wish to of course

My Best

Paul

[Moonstruck]

No no BlondGUy you haven't hi jacked" my post or thread or whatever at all...I want you here.

Pepper - you may have hit the nail on the head (pardon the weak pun) i think you could be right. It's not being a People Pleaser in my case....it's Conflict Avoidance...I detest confrontation of any kind - arguments, raised voices, even heated debates....Yes Yes Yes....and not because I wouldn't know what to say or how to express it...it's the opposite!!

As I said...sounded like boasting I know, but I do recognise my own strengths.....I WOULD know exactly what to say! (I know real big words too...LOL)....and they would be delivered eloquently, with perfect diction - the other person(s) would either quake in fear, or resort to physical blows, obscenities, it could be very nasty as they try to defend themselves......So I always do anything it takes to avoid things getting to that stage!!

As a child my parents fought verbally and horribly. It terrified me. I hated raised voices and arguments ever since. I remember hiding behind the bathroom door while they screamed at each other. Even though my own marriage broke up, my ex husband and I NEVER fought or argued about anything. I married a man who hardly spoke...kept it all inside...no raised voices or verbal conflict in MY marriage....go figure!

If I could add here, a photograph of a smiling gypsy fortune teller - I would. Because that's what I need to achieve between the Conflict Avoidance (people pleasing) and Standing Up For Myself...."A Happy Medium"....

[Moonstruck]

Peppermint.....I believe I saw in another thread your mentioning Cameron Diaz reciting a poem. I know the one you mean - from In My Shoes (with Toni Colette)...I think it was by famous US poet, Emily Dickinson. "I carry your heart...I carry it in my heart".....