I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Zenobia · ‎25-04-2017

A long term enduring amazing friendship at work changed when we started working more closely together. He is married with young children. I am single with an adult child. His marriage was dysfunctional with constant fighting and arguing. Everyone at work is aware of his marital problems and believe him to be a victim of domestic violence.

We developed the most amazing bond and friendship. There was never enough time in our day to finish a thought or conversation. We truly met each other on every level. He is the most rational, ethical, kind, gentle man I have ever known. We decided to progress our relationship and started a brief affair, but the sex wasn't that important. We just wanted time together. The future we planned, the love we declared! OMG it was intense. He articulated his love for me in amazing beautiful words every day. He inspired me to dream every day. He is truly amazing. Everyone at work loves him.

He is honestly my soul mate. We share eveything emotionally and intellectually and he believed this too.

Then his wife discovered some text messages. She took his phone and control of all his communication options. She gave him her phone so that she can monitor his location every second they are apart. She drives him to & from work. He has no other friends or family in Australia.He planned to use his wife's anger to kick him out. Then something changed. They are seeing a counsellor and the counsellor said he needs to rebuild her trust. The isolation he now endures is all part of the trust building. I am allowed no contact. The counsellor has advised he never speak to me again. We currently work at different premises but he now wants to quit his job now.He has told me he no longer loves me and wants to stay with his wife. My mother died last week and he did not contact me at all.

This is my best friend! I am alone, cannot tell anyone what happened, cannot get any support because we had an affair. I can't even tell my family, friends why he's not around. He is depressed but he has made a decsion to stay with her so at least he has a focus and a goal.

The counsellor said all coomunication with me must end. For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts. Do counsellors not need to consider the effect of their advice on third parties? I need to speak to him to understand what has changed and for my own closure. Am I truly that evil that I deserve no consideration in this situation? All the blogs tell me I am in the wrong.

Help!

white knight · ‎02-05-2017

Hi Zenobia welcome

For you dear stranger

LOVE DROPS

May your tears fall free

Onto dry rocks of pain

While grief takes its course

And you pick yourself up again.

Somethings are not meant to be

So care for yourself eternally

A tear becomes a river

That flows ever so gracefully

Those tears rise to the clouds

Falling to join millions more

And as you wash your face one morn

Tingles you cant ignore

Tears blended to give you strength

Mum is with you in every way

Holding your hand forever

So you can... blow the hurt away....

Tony WK

Zenobia · ‎03-05-2017

OMG! That is truly beautiful.

I took a photo of it to have it in my phone so I can look at it whenever I feel alone.

Such touching words from a stranger to fill the gaps left by loved ones.

This world is truly full of wonderful people.

Zenobia x

Zenobia · ‎05-05-2017

Dear all,

I'm crashing today...

I did a stupid thing. I re-read text messages of his undying love for me, all things that he loves about me, and I can't reconcile one single word of all the amazing moments we had together with his actions now.

I can't stop crying. I got a referral yesterday for a psychologist but I can't get in to see anyone before next Friday.

Seriously, is it a male thing? I read somewhere that men can compartmentalise their feelings and are able to close the door on a relationship and not feel those feelings anymore. I am assuming it is not all men.

Because it was an affair with a married man, I have no one I can talk to.

Because his wife knows about us, he has her to debrief with even if it is through arguments and counselling. He also has the added benefit of "doing the right thing" both by his wife and children. I have no such moral high ground to motivate me to move on. Only grief at the loss of the relationship and the hurt of the rejection and the cold cold way that it was ended.

I should be working on my resume and applying for jobs because mine finishes at the end of June, but I can't even bring myself to make a cup of coffee.

Oh mum, I wish I was with you.

Zenobia

Moonstruck · ‎05-05-2017

Zenobia - dear loving girl.....

I know where you are coming from. I know "the other woman" is not evil. I won't delve into details how I know but believe me, I know. I know how devastatingly painful it is when he ceases the long-time affair, even nicely and with no ill-feeling on his part. Even when the wife has never found out and there have been no ugly confrontations or bad scenes. I wonder why it seems to hurt so much more, when the man is married - and ends the affair.

Only a woman who has "been there" can understand. It sounds as if you are handling it in a dignified respectful manner...amazing considering the pain. if you continue to do so, he will respect and admire you for the rest of his life. I know someone who respected her married man's privacy and marriage when he ended the affair, all the while in unbearable pain and longing.

Many years later, having both moved on in their lives (his marriage eventually ended unbeknown to her) by chance and to their enormous surprise, although in different cities, their paths crossed and they are now the closest of friends and will be for the rest of their lives. Good luck Zenobia - you will love again.

Zenobia · ‎05-05-2017

Thank you Moonstruck,

It is an awful awful situation as it just ends! There is no discussion or options for mediation, it just stops being. A dynamic, loving happy relationship just totally over. No discussion to divide property, children, mutual friendships...just nothing as we shared nothing besides lots and lots of love and a very deep friendship. No reason for us to divide but for him to re-unite as a husband to his wife. It is not a mutual decision and is without logic or reasoning behind it. He returns to a hateful environment, to what was an arranged marriage.. Makes no sense.

Years down the track? I would love to think so, actually I dream it may be, but hold no hope.

Yesterday I did email him something I am not proud of... I regressed from my very good intentioned stance and told him his behaviour towards me was unforgiveable. It sent it to his work address so I know he would have seen it. I got no response.

Anyway, the sun is struggling to peep out from behind the clouds and I will catch which ever rays come my way for now.

...and hold out till I see the psychologist next Friday.

Thank you Moonstruck

ro63 · ‎05-05-2017

Hi Zenobia, How are you doing ,it's probably a silly question but I just wanted to say please don;t beat yourself up about being the other woman ,because the tag the other woman has been given a very bad rap and in your case it absolutely does not apply. I am in a situation like the man in your post I havent met anyone because I have been so beaten down I have no self worth as a result ,but I can relate to him completely ,it sounds like he is in a prison he can't get out of, and with kids it justs makes it so painfull, as they can be, and are used as weapons against him ,especially as he has been caught out doing wrong as it were, it will compound his situation ten fold .but when I say doing wrong that does not apply to your situation at all ,what I would like you to think about is this, you did nothing wrong here at all ok ,What you did was give this guy a reason to feel alive again, and to re read these texts about all the wonderfull things about you, please own them because they are true, it was the situation that made it hard if not impossible, not your actions at all ,and I know it is hard because I have been there and from a mans point of view I can tell you we can't close the door on a relationship we have been brought up to hide our feelings or we get punished for being weak it's wrong and it is slowly changing but the old paradigm still holds sway unfortunately .I am glad you are seeing your psychologist soon and glad you felt the sun on your skin today ,and remember these things always happen for a reason it might not make any sense at the time but in hindsight it will , be well and feel proud of the wonderfull things that you have read about yourself .My best wishes ,Ross.

Zenobia · ‎05-05-2017

Oh Ross,

I truly just want to give you a hug right now. If you are like him, then the anguish must be great.

So, I can assume that he may still have feelings for me but just can't act on them? If that is the case then perhaps it is not so bad. Misery loves company and if he is feeling one quarter the pain I am, then we are both suffering in this situation.

Yes, I agree that although he has decided to commit to his marriage, a lot of my pain is for him too in that relationship, with now very little to look forward to. As I am allowed no contact other than official work, I can't even find out what he is feeling or thinking. That he has been very harsh with me I find difficult to deal with.

Is it a tactic to keep his boundaries so he can tell his wife honestly that we only had work dealings (honestly that may be only a five minute phone call or face to face)? Or does he think he is doing me a favour so that I don't hang on hoping?

If it is true that he just is hiding his emotions and not actually feeling nothing for me then that is something I need to consider and build into my emotions.

Ross, thank you. Thank you for the tears you made me shed which were much softer and I now feel calmer. Your kindness and compassion, as a stranger, shows how special you are.

Zenobia x

Doolhof · ‎05-05-2017

Hi Zenobia and Ross,

Many years ago, before my husband, I met a guy I fell in love with. He was in the armed forces and travelled around a lot. We kept in touch as friends, I had wanted it to be so much more but felt like I had nothing to offer this guy.

My husband and I had our honeymoon in the city he lived in so called in to say hi. My friend told me I had not waited for him, he had wanted to marry me...only he never told me that.

For years I wondered "what if" and had images of how I saw this guy on a pedestal. We are still friends. He is now married also. Funny thing is my husband adores his wife!

I have realised during those years when I thought "What If" I was adding sadness to my life and putting pressure on my husband to be a person he could not be. A lot of what I was thinking about this guy was imagination and dreams.

Would my life have been any different if I had married the other guy? Yes. Would I have been happier? I don't know. Would we still be together? I don't know. I will never know.

Over the last few decades I have not liked the person he has become, I now find him to be quite selfish and self centred.

What might have been I don't know. The thing for me is to try to make the most of what I do have.

Hope this makes sense! Cheers from Mrs. D.

Zenobia · ‎05-05-2017

Yes Mrs D,

I was wondering too... is this who he really is? Is he selfish and I didn't notice because we were so in love? Has the decision to return to his wife and ignore my feelings so totally a selfish act or does he feel he has no choice?

Time will tell I guess and even though I try to use this logic to sever my feelings from him, it is not working...yet. I don't really want to either to he honest.

Thanks Mrs D. There is such a calmness about your advice. You give anecdotes, not advice.

ro63 · ‎05-05-2017

Hi ,from what you have said about how things have gone,it sounds like he was given no choice so as I said before he is probably in as much or more pain than you, but I know that does'nt make it any easier and I am truly sorry for that because it does hurt ,but as I also said before please be kind to yourself you really must , and I know it's so frustrating because there is no one to blame here,it feels like a crime where there are only victims and no perpetrators,but please be strong you can and have been and it has happened for a reason all is not lost and I am hugging you back .Now go and treat yourself to something nice ,love your self first remember you can't pour from an empty cup.be well, you have me tearing uo now , Best wishes Ross.