Husband left and I feel hopelss

[Jayne106]

My husband of over 16 years decided to break the news to me that he is no longer in love with me and needs time and space to find himself. He works a hugely demanding job and has been unhappy in his employment for a long time although he claims this has nothing to do with his unhappiness. He has now moved out of our home. I am madly and deeply in love with my husband. I know he has expressed he has had suicidal thoughts and has also tried to take his life recently. I have asked him to get help and I believe he has seen a GP but I have no idea if he is booked to speak to any one further and every second of the day I think about him. I really want to be there to support him. Our children are missing him dearly.They see my pain daily as I feel utter despair.I know people would tell me I have to look after myself and children and the children are my first priority although I am not able to function for myself.I just want to sleep as at least when I am sleeping the pain stops. I have always been a happy bubbly person and involved in many things and now I am finding I am withdrawing. I don't eat at all maybe a mouthful of food at each meal as I feel sick. I don't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours per night and I need sleeping tablets to get that. I begged for him to come to counselling with me to work on the marriage and he went to 2 sessions and didn't say alot except that he didn't love me. he was done and felt I didn't listen. I begged to keep going and to let me be his support through this. I am gutted and I feel I am losing it. My body is numb. I cry all the time. I am constantly thinking of him and how he is. I have booked to see a GP although not certain I will go as worried he will think I am weak. Do I continue to hold hope my gorgeous husband just needs time away and help? Am i just living in a fantasy. Can depression turn around and people see that there spouse was not the problem and they can make things work. Has anyone experienced this and had there spouse return or am I a fool and he really doesn't love me. One of my children told me today.. mum I believe dad does love you and I hope he soon will see it. Our friends are shocked and taken back at his lack of ability to try and this is why I am concerned for his mental health. My husband is the most amazing man and I see the hurt in his eyes now. I look at him and he looks broken ... I am a broken unit but should I be looking fine so he doesn't feel pity on me. I don't want him to come home from pity

[Jayne106]

Despair is such an accurate word and exactly how I feel. I just dont know what to do anymore.

I feel like when i talk to him I am starting to put up a wall as I don't want to hurt anymore or have him hurt me anymore.

My stepdaughter and boys have become even closer and I am wondering if she feels deep down we now all are the same... all left behind at some point by the same figure... one we all love dearly and care for. she even said yesterday she felt abondoned by her father when she was younger as he never spent time with her.

I am trying to book into a meditation course to see if this will help along with GP and counsellor I might as well give it a try. It might help the pounding heart in my chest that hurts every second of the day.

Yesterday the eldest had some tears and so did I together. He is so hurt and listening to his sister open up i think hurt also for him.

My husband is a wonderful father and husband and I want to tell him he was and that we can work on it but I know it isn't my choice anymore. He has to find this out for himself and then want to come to us and be with us but honestly to tell you the truth I don't think he will ever come home. He will be too proud to turn around now I believe and will never choose to come back to us and that devastates me beyond words. I hope it is my negative brain in the way of my heart but I just don't know anymore and I am sending myself crazy. I dont talk to my parents... I dont talk to anyone about it. I just write in my journal and see the counsellor when I canTry to limit the medication I take but today called the doctor and he has increased it as he is worried about me. Nice that someone is worried. I don't feel like my husband thinks about me once during the day and I feel so lost that 19 years has been tossed aside without a single care and I know it is the depression and everyone keeps telling me he is and has a problem but the worse part of sitting waiting is you never know if they will return and that is agony every day.

I want to cuddle him so badly and I want to give him the biggest kiss and tell him how much I adore him and want to support him.

Every day is a new challenge and a new feeling. Sometimes i am angry and i keep trying to stop that.anger as I really know it isnt his fault about the depression. Its the anger over him walking out on the 3 of us that hurts so bad but again it could be the depression but what if it isnt and he really just wanted out of our marriage this is so hard

[MO2TG]

Jayne
I hear you.loud and clear. I could have written a very similar post. And again I thought I should make my own thread, but I'm hoping that u don't mind me sharing with you. I figured if we support each other it makes it a bit more bearable.
At some point I know that I cannot stay in relationship limbo, for my own mental health I will have to move on. That time is not yet for me.
The hardest part is not giving into the negativity, i think it might be fear of the future without them and a type of grieg/loss. 22 yrs and my best friend has gone, without even trying.
I understand depression..It's a disease. What I find hard is accepting that our family has become collateral damage.
This week has come in waves of sadness, despair and an inner war with my feelings to fight for something to do, laugh and smile about.i Self talk in the mirror about getting my shit together.
I don't want to spiral into a misery guts and dump on my friends all the time.
I seek affection from my kids and family to get me through. Hugs make the world a better place.
I use this thread in a search for answers ideas and relatable situations.
My kids are also trying to find something to be grateful for everyday and random acts of kindness. It has become our dinner time conversation. We are trying to create happiness for our selves in a very trying time.

[Jayne106]

I have no problems at all with you writing on this and more than happy to help each other. It feels good to have someone that doesn't judge and knows how bad we are feeling.

Friends try to help but the problem is when you haven't experienced it it makes it hard for you to see why we don't just leave our husbands as we know it isn't the person we once adored.

I am the same... 23rd of September he officially said it was over so basically 8 weeks ago. I am not ready either to let go yet. It doesn't feel right. I do feel like it is grief. I feel like i have buried my husband and taken his belongings to life line. The cupboard it empty and his stuff all gone and I lay in my walk in often crying at the emptiness.

Collateral damage is so true and is an awful feeling. Today I spoke to the counsellor we used together as I was trying to join a meditation class she runs. She spoke to me for about 40 minutes and told me some things to focus on. She also said she can totally see why the boys are so upset and angry. It is a shit situation. she told me she feels this might not be over and that he truly is feeling like a dog kicked over and over and until he can see how to get help no one can pick up the puppy as he doesn't want them to help. She is very worried about me as worried i am not letting it all out and trying to be strong for everyone.

I agree with her and I know she was right. I am trying to carry everything at the moment and I am starting to worry I might not be able to do it anymore. What will happen then. I don't want my kids to see me upset as I dont want them to think I am weak and not coping and I dont want them to think i dont love their dad or how badly he has hurt me by leaving without seriously trying. My mum tells me to put my big girl pants on and deal with what it is for the boys. Every just wants me to be fine. How do I do this when my world has fallen apart and I know my husband needs help.

I feel like everything I do is wrong and maybe it is. I don't know anymore.

I just know I am tired really tired

Finding something to be grateful for each day is lovely and I hope this is helping your family.

The cousellor told me today I need to stop thinking about him and work on me. I am so used to worrying about everyone else it kills me not to help or think about him over me. I am not sure how to do it. I have no idea how to worry about me first.

Hugs are a good place to start and the boys are excellent at it.

So glad to have this forum

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jayne and MO2TG

I am so glad that you two have met. Strength comes from community, from knowing other people care.

I trust it also makes each of you feel less alone, and it is a poignant reminder of how utterly devasting it can be for a family when a loved one falls ill with a mental health condition.

The key thing I learned through my daughter's experience is this: while people do unfortunately fall ill, they also get better.

Jayne, please try to hang on to your hope. We don't yet know what will happen with your husband. He very well may yet find his way home again. It's going to take time to play out and I encourage you not to think too far ahead. One day at a time.

I really like MO2TG's idea of counting blessings. We do this in our family, too. It's a great way to stay thankful for life and to help keep things in perspective.

Throughout my daughter's illness I also found it helpful to do something enjoyable each day, to help balance out the pain. I encourage you both to try this. It is not indulgent or selfish, despite the pain swirling around you, it is essential to your mental health, to your survival.

You are both amazing warriors. Fighting everyday to keep it together, care for your children and run your homes. Hang in there.

If only I had a magic wand, I would wave the pain away. Instead I am sending you both a hug.

Kind thoughts to you

[Jayne106]

Sending a hug does help and thankyou for doing so.

I keep trying to tell myself not to look to far ahead and hopefully he will find his way home. It is a long shot I know but I have to hold the space that this could happen one day. I also have to keep reminding myself he has been wanting this for 8 weeks I know of and only gone for 4 weeks from the house so it really isn't a long time even though it feels like eternity.

I am grateful for the boys being here along side me and I know they are watching my every move

sometimes I wish I could melt down in front of them and tell my family exactly how I am not coping but how can I do this... I am the strong one and have to put on the fake smile and keep going.

Need to find a little bit of happiness each and every day but it is so hard to see it.

In bed now crying and my heart is pounding so hard it hurts so bad. Nothing has ever made me feel this bad. The feeling of loving someone who isn't here and hearing him tell you he doesn't love you rings over and over in my ears daily.

You guys have been awesome and at the moment it is so nice to know you are both there for me and I hope together we can get through this time together.

People really never will fully understand just what we endure when dealing with this situation as it is someone you wouldn't wish on your worse enemy.

unbearable hurt

despair... emptiness... numb...dark... lonely... heartbreaking.. shitty... absolutely gut wrenching horrible situation with no end date in sight.

From a person who always wants to fix situations this is debilitating.

For my husband I can understand he must feel so bad to get to this point and I can only imagine how bad he is feeling knowing his children want nothing to do with him and the enormous pain they are feeling breaks me.

We all hold a special place in each others lives as together we are what os helping each other get through the day. xx

[MO2TG]

Hey Jayne
I'm here for u to vent to. And lay out the hurt. it's ok.
It bloody hurts. It's raw.
I have cried in waves today. I bloody hate crying. I've been trying my hardest to make a path through this.
Saw my psych for the first time today and she pointed out that I spoke about everybody else but me. While the background was necessary, next time it will be about me.
I am scared and fearful about the future.
I know I cannot wait forever it's a whole next level of torture.
But to continue I need to look after me. And you need to do that too. Even if it's only something small. I have reached out friends and am making myself go to Christmas events. I do not know what my Christmas will be like ...I can't even think about it.
"I feel like everything I do is wrong and maybe it is. I don't know anymore.
I just know I am tired really tired"
THIS was my last week.
But you know what Jayne we can do this because we can talk openly and not be hindered by a disease that debilitates a human being.
We are reaching out in a search for answers, support and clarity.
Please take good care of yourself. We will get through it.

[Jayne106]

So glad you were able to get some help today. They say we have to look after ourselves but i feel i came way down the chain at the moment.

I have had a day off tears... we must of been channeling each other.
My youngest broke down this morning. Terrible to see. He didn't say much except his heart aches and his chest actually hurts. It was so hard to see his pain. Then i got a message from his teacher at high school that he had fallen asleep in class. He is not sleeping of a night so i have spoken to the school and they are assisting with telling his teachers to let him sleep as almost the end of the year and it wont hurt him.
They offered food and care packages and also counselling. For a public school i am so impressed with the help that has been offered within minutes of them knowing. I declined the offers as we are ok financially and would rather that went to a family in need.
I learnt today my husband has taken more time off work this week so i really hope he is ok.
I feel you when you say how tired you are... I am the same. Purely exhausted physically and emotionally.
Sitting in limbo waiting for that call or sign is so hard. Knowing it might never happen harder.
I said to my youngest today it is ok not to be ok and he said he isn't ok... to me if i have have learnt anything over this time it is they have a right to speak up and say they aren't ok.
I am so lost today... it seems like a Merry go round that i can't get off and it just keeps spinning and spinning.

[Tess2]

Hi Jayne,

i have followed your post with empathy and interest. I think you are doing an amazing job of holding yourself together and keeping your sons’ lives as normal as possible.

i feel for your husband, if this is all due to depression and stress. But he may have just reached a point of change. It is sad, but it happens and there are people who can’t work through these things and keep on being a family.

i don’t want to be a damp rag and say he won’t come back, he may, but if he has truly fallen”out of love” and can’t see that that feeling changes to something much more meaningful and that he has that , then he may be lost, to himself and to you.

you must keep looking after your sons, keep up the counselling for them and you.

you have achieved so much, lost all that weight, which I think is absolutely amazing.i have never had to struggle like that. In mid life I did put on weight but I lose it easily, just involves,shutting my mouth. I have done that a couple of times, but I have never had to struggle with a massive weight and lose it. I think that is fantastic, I bet you look amazing.

also you have said how your work life and career has steadily built and taken off.

you are one heck of a woman. Both of these things along with middle age and his own career changes can make a man feel very insecure and resent his partner.

I do hope that he realises what he has and what a support system you can all be.

i think it is wonderful that your step daughter has engaged with you and her brothers.

Keep on and keep telling us of your progress.

Be Wary of falling into your own anxiety or depression, while you get through this, life will reward you

tess

[Jayne106]

thanks Tess for the kind words and encouragment.

Unfortunately I can feel myself falling into a state of having a nervous breakdown. Yesterday was clearly evident of this and I am mindful how I am feeling and continue to seek help as much as I can for the boys and myself.

I wish my boys didn't have to endure this heartache but it isn't possible now to stop it as they are unfortunately at an age they understand so much.

My husband most certainly has mental health issues but to what extend I am unsure.
He has said enough and shown enough signs now to see he is struggling with something.
The counsellors and also my GP have all made the statement of us being collateral damage which certainly makes it very hard to stand back and watch him do this to our family.
The sheer fact he has taken more time off work is another sign. My boys were shocked yestersay when they knew this... He has never ever taken this amount of time off to spend with us a family and has always had to go back into work for a few days in between etc so the boys are looking how can he now do it for himself but never for us.
I suppose these are always the questions you ask yourself as this mental state makes one very selfish but I continue to tell myself this is the illness not him... or maybe you are right and this is just his way out and this is what he has turned into. Time will tell for the boys and I.
It isn't an easy road and I would like to change the direction of what is happening but I know I can't.
He is certainly on my mind all the time and I am trying so hard to do everything right but feel like I do everything wrong. Nothing seems right anymore.
Yesterday I wanted to pack up my boys and run away to a place no one knows us and start fresh... i keep getting a sense to do this but I know that would upset them more so it holds me here.
Knowing my husband can go home to his new place and just organise himself think only of his own feelings think only of himself for dinner and what needs to be done for the day is very upsetting. It is upsetting when I am here struggling mental and physically and it is even more of a struggle knowing I have two young men to help cope with this trauma and on top of all that work.. sport and a house to run. Its alot to deal with and I feel most days I fail at getting it right.

My weight has always been a struggle and I wish I would habe never had the surgery I did as I feel he doesn't even recognise it is me. I hardly eat now and I struggle to even see myself in the mirror. I had a bath 2 nights ago in our house which I habe Never been able to fit in the bath. I had to get out as it brought on so many emotions and I think the bath was filled more with my tears than water and I got out as i couldnt take it anymore.
I increased last night my mediciation as per the doctor and managed tp finally get some sleep yet i feel like i need days worth not hours.

[MO2TG]

Today will suck for me personally as I have.no one to share my anniversary with.
I tried to be the bigger person and reach out but there is nothing but selfish depression left of him at the.moment.
21 yrs and now nothing..it hurts that he can't see we are worth fighting for. Our children are worth fighting for.
I woke crying and am trying to get my shit together to go to work.
I'm trying I'm trying not to be pathetic. He really has let go, he does not want to try, he does not want to help himself.
All I can do is take a deep breath, calm myself and push for positive thoughts and finding moments of happiness with what is left of my current life for my kids and myself.