HSC anxiety

[Guest_9546]

Hello

I do not know if anyone can relate to me or not but I have "educational anxiety" for maybe the past year and 8 months?

So I wasnt allowed to do my desired subject in year 11 (in year 10 I chose extension 1 maths but wasnt allowed)

At the beginning of yr 11 I was told I wasn't allowed to do extension 1 maths. I started to stress because I wasn't told about it earlier and I wanted to do it desperately

I complained to the head of maths (on many occassions) and he then decided to make me sit a test weeks later

Weeks later I did the test and I stuffed it up. I wasn't allowed to do extension 1 maths. I was stressing and tried complaining multiple times to the head of maths. He decided no. He then referred me to the school counciller. He told me this "rubbish" that I only need advanced maths (2U) for uni since it is a calculus course but I felt I needed extension 1 maths

The counciller told me to let it go (and so did he). I tried to let it go but it didn't work. It was then raised to my school principal (through a complaint to the department of education) and he told me to just focus on all my other subjects because extension 1 maths will make things worse (but I thought of it the other way around)

Ever since that incident, I was stressing everyday. I had anxiety (and still do). I have found it very difficult to learn. Did horribly in tests
At the end of last yr, I told the HT maths that I dont care about learning anymore (since he didn't let me in extension maths earleir in the year).

Ever since then I learned to develop a deep obsession of hatred to him (because I think he's ignorant)Even now (which was a year a and half from that incident of not being allowed to study my desired subject) I have suffered anxiety a lot, I have been so stressed out that it has affected my learning, I have developed a deep hatred to the head of maths, etc. I have even cried a lot at home at times because I was too stressed out. Even back then I found a bit of difficulty sleeping

Assuming I have either narcissism, bipolar disorder or some sort of sever anxiety ] I want to apply for EAS (educational access scheme) for my HSC because my learning was affected from this event a lot

I wanted to do extension 1 (and 2) maths at high school because I wanted to pursue an actuarial degree at university (or a maths degree of some sort) as nothing else interested me but not being allowed to do my desired subjects made me stress

I would appreciate any advice from anyone here

[Guest_9546]

I don't think I can move on from what the school counciller told me, simply because of how much it affected me. Whenever I am "reliving trauma" (the trauma of being told that I wasn't allowed to do extension maths on my birthday, the trauma of birthdays in general, etc) I can visualise the school counciller telling me to "let it go" and then I get so mad to the point where I am actually physically hitting my own bed to let that rage out. I could do other things such as chucking my books all over the floor but then I'll have to clean up the mess so instead I find that the best way to release that anger (which I am actually doing on a daily basis). I could yell in rage and "tell my mind to shut up" but then people who hear me will get affected by my crazy behaviour so really for me to release those feelings, I'm better off hitting my bed and punching my pillow. There are times when I am mentally hearing her voice and reflect in sadness because of all the anguish I've been through

I am sort of aware of that (especially with the psychologist) although I am now starting to be wary of councillers in general (because I'm sure all councillers have the same qualifications however my school counciller claimed she was a "qualified psychologist" which I found hard to believe)

Yes I still remember her name, it was "Mrs B" (I cannot disclose her private details on a public forum like this). Thing is I rang her at around 8pm last night and I doubt I'd be doing that in the future. (Please correct me) I think that since kidshelpline is a 24/7 service, it's operates in the same way as 24/7 workplaces (such as emergency services) so each worker works an 8 hour shift with 3 rotations each day?

I'll try calling headspace when I have the time. I've just been told by them that unfortunately they cannot diagnose me as I need a referral to a psychologist (but my psychologist told me that she cannot diagnose me). Should I actually ask my psychologist to diagnose me even though she isn't trained to? (because I am actually desperate to know)

[Hope_for_the_best]

It is good that you still remember she is Mrs B. You can ask for her next time when you call, and you will be connected to her if she is there. I am not sure about the shift thing so I cannot comment.

If you are eager for a diagnosis, you can ask your psychologist to see how she can help. If I were you, I would rather she not diagnoses me if she says she cannot. Other than HSC bonus points, are there any reasons why you need to get a diagnosis? You don't need to answer here. It is something that you may need to explain to your psychologist. If your psychologist can alleviate your emotional distress in life and you move on happily, whether you get a diagnosis is not that important.

[Guest_9546]

I don't know whether or not I will be able to connect to "Mrs B" automatically because I know she cannot be working all the time. She's human and needs to take a break so maybe I will need to talk to another counciller for the time being?

To be honest the reason why I want to be diagnosed with a specific mental illness is to actually see what's wrong with me. Like if I actually knew I was diagnosed with PTSD, OCD, bipolar, etc then obviously I'd stop googling symptons and over agonising about what I have. It's like when you have a 'physical illness' when you have the symptoms it's best not to google them and over agonise on what you have but it's better to go to a registered health professional and ask to get diagnosed and after the diagnosis is done, either get referred to a 'specialist' or ask to take prescribed medicine, same for a mental illness isn't it?

To be honest I'd doubt I would get bonus HSC points for uncontrollable circumstances. To actually qualify for bonus points I would've needed to actually provided evidence of mental illness for 6 months (i.e. actually seeing a registered health professional for 6 months) as opposed to like 1 month or even a couple of weeks. It's just so god damm ridiculous that the school counciller's unhelpful advice made it more agonising for me. It's like I've been left for dead and his had been going on for a year and a couple of months. Even if I said to the school counciller "please right this down so I can qualify for bonus points" she'd probably question me as to why "I couldnt let it go"?

To be honest I think I would actually need a diagnosis because I think this is "destroying my life". My life has already been "destroyed" through a counciller's unhelpful advice which discouraged me to seek mental help when I actually needed help which eventually led me to suicidal thoughts (approximately 1 year after I wasn't allowed to sit extension maths). I am still thinking suicidally every now and then

[Guest_9546]

for some reason my post didnt come up?

[Hope_for_the_best]

If you are so eager for a diagnosis, then going to a psychiatrist is the best option. Psychiatrists are doctors who specialise in treating mental illnesses. They can diagnose you and prescribe you medication (if needed). Go and look up a bulk bill psychiatrist and then get a referral from your GP/psychologist.

[Guest_9546]

Sorry for not posting yesterday

So yesterday I was at my second psychologist appointment and we went through a bit of my life story as well as when I contacted kidshelpline.

She told me that I might be having severe anxiety and a bit of depression on the side as well. She said I can get a free diagnosis through Headspace (as it is designed for people my age)

She went through some meditation techniques with me (as well as emailed me some links) such as closing eyes, breathing in and out, focusing on chest and outsides noises and also telling me that we go through about 90,000 thoughts each day

Yeah I can't entirely remember whatelse my psychologist told me, I will have to look at my emails

Is it worth getting a diagnosis (via headspace or blackdog institute) because I am always consistently thinking about whether or not I have PTSD?

[Hope_for_the_best]

It is a decision that you need to make. If you are satisfied with what your psychologist says, then you just need to work on your issues with her. On the other hand, if you feel stressed or unhappy without an official diagnosis, then go to headspace or blackdog institute.

[Guest_9546]

Yeah I will try and get an official diagnosis from headspace

I am thinking that maybe sometime in the future, I should actually "open up" about my story to others (especially mum and acquaintances from school) but I just don't have the confidence to do that. I guess I am doing this as an "excuse" for not achieving a high ATAR (well if I do land a couple of Bonus points I guess there shouldn't be an "excuse" for not doing well in the HSC) however me hiding it in myself and not telling others is making me feel quite anxious (especially my mum who will think I'm crazy and doesn't believe that mental health exists to some point). Like I need some sort of help to get ready for the inevitable, especially the day my ATAR comes out because I know I won't be getting the ATAR I originally desired

Please help

Also how do I actually remember what the psychologist told me a few days ago? Like I was kinda in a rush for the psychologist appointment and forgot to take notes when I needed to (sadly)

[Hope_for_the_best]

Didn't you say your psychologist emailed you some notes? Go and check them. If you forget anything, email her or ask her in the next appointment.

It is always a good idea to open up to others for support. However, you should start off with someone who likely understands you and will be on your side. If your mum is not that person, it's better to hold on because she may sound dismissive to your struggles and you will end up feeling more anxious. Consider consulting your psychologist how you should open up to your mum in a way that she will understand.

[Guest_9546]

No I meant I cannot remember exactly what the psychologist told me on the appointment (word for word). Yeah she emailed me some notes but they're not exactly what she went through in the session

I wasn't really intending to open up so others can support me, to be honest I don't really have many people to support me in my life (I know it sounds quite sad but I guess I'm fine with it) and I don't think it matters much. I think that no matter how much people support me, I won't be able to "get through". I'll probably open up after my HSC and to be honest I think I can actually get through life without much support (considering most of the people I chat to are usually acquaintances and not so much friends). I mean no matter how much my teachers would support my by offering me extra help (yes they thought I was struggling with learning and specific subjects but they don't know my "dark side" which is affecting me) I was unable to pull through and improve simply because I kept dwelling on negative thoughts and felt depressed/stressed/anxious/etc. Even though my school principal knew I was going through agony (to some extent) he still continued to support me and I just couldn't get through improving no matter what.

Speaking of feeling depressed, is it possible to feel "depressed" one minute, think of something funny, laugh and then next couple of minutes, you feel "depressed" (i.e. hopeless, suicidal, etc) because I feel like that and I do not think it's normal. I think some people who actually try to hide their depression by being happy and then within the next minute or something their mood can change to "depressed" (I don't think moodswings are a symptom of depression)