Help

[Fiasco]

I think I'm going crazy. Can someone please help me?

[Fiasco]

Stressless, I relate to a few things you mentioned. We had to watch my grandmother in law go through dementia for years. It was agonising to watch. And seeing all the other patients in the same situation. We only visited every weekend, but for years, and that will be etched in my memory. I feel for you.

I also understand how you'd forgive even now. I always felt like I was a person who liked anyone as long as they liked me (if that makes sense). And even if they'd made my life hell and hurt so much, as soon as they were nice to me I'd forget about it all. I feel like a stereotypical dog lol.

Anyway, I'm thinking of you. I do believe that you feel like you're doing the right thing (and I agree, no one deserves to die alone).

Mary, thank you for using your time to write to me! It's funny you ask about my energy. A few weeks ago I was so low it was an effort to do the bare basics lol. I am a woman of extremes unfortunately. Plus I'm not working, so really I have so much extra time. If I was working I think I'd only be just surviving lol. My husband is way more energetic than me, and I always feel so lazy/slow/unmotivated in comparison to him, so it felt a bit weird to read you say I had lots of energy. But then I was like, yeah, I guess I do! 😘

Today was my eldest living daughter's 6th birthday. My hubby took an RDO especially for it, and miss 4 got to miss kindy for the day. We had a very easy day since she's been so unwell yesterday, and my hubby felt a bit weird tummy wise today too. I've been up since 2am!! It's 7pm now and I feel a bit spaced out!! I initially woke as sometimes happens and couldn't sleep cos my mind was racing, then miss 6 was up from 4am cos she wanted to open her presents! I am surprised I don't actually feel tired now!

[White_Rose]

Hello Fi

Glad you had a nice day with your daughter. My youngest granddaughter is six. When I wrote my grandchildren's ages to you I made three youngest one year younger. Ah the frailty of memory.

Goodness me, a husband more energetic than you. Your home must crackle with energy sparks. Nice he took the day off to be with you and your daughters. These are the times we remember and bring us joy, even if someone is a little under the weather. I hope you took lots of photos.

Do you have plans to return to work? I think you are enjoying being a home mom. I know my second daughter thought so when gave up working. Just loves being a home mom.

It's 1:30 am and I have just got up because I discovered my hot water bottle had leaked. Not what I want on a chilly night. I will return to my bed shortly. The leak was small so hopefully is now dried out.

It's me that must thank you for allowing me to write. I learn so much from talking to you and the other members of the SFC.

Mary

[Fiasco]

Haha Mary I have trouble remembering my own age!! 😂

Ah I love my hot water bottle at the moment - but not leaking!

i wish I could go back to work in some ways. It's a loooong story. I'll tell you one day lol. Have been baking and cleaning like a crazy lady all day and now have to get sorted for dance rehearsal tonight.

[White_Rose]

Hello Fi

If my memory is still sort of functioning I think you performance is on Saturday. I remember the times I took my daughters to ballet lessons, making costumes, going to rehearsals, doing make up and hair. Now they are doing the same with their daughters.

I saw my psych today. She seems to think my Fibromyalgia is due to the stress of the past three years or so. I gather it's a manifestation of my inner pain and turmoil. Not that she put it that way, that's my interpretation.

I used to scurry around to keep my home clean and tidy, an almost impossible job with four children. And they don't improve with age. These days I pay someone to do the housework. I hate doing it, much prefer to gaze on in admiration while dust disappears.

I also dislike shopping and have tried grocery shopping online. Much less stress but then I have wait in until the groceries get delivered. It does have one good spin-off. I am far less tempted to impulse buy and that can only be good.

May I ask what you are going to do about your Bipolar diagnosis? I know you don't believe it's true, or is it you don't want to believe it? I don't don't want to be a number of things. Some I can change but basically it's what I am and I need to accept me. I don't think this compares with your situation other than a reluctance to accept who we are and I know how life changing this could be.

Fi, you have so much goodness in you but when you feel down it all slips away and leaves you feeling so bad. Can you see this psychiatrist again and start work on a treatment plan? Don't want to nag you but I am concerned.

I hope the concert goes well, or should I say break a leg.😂

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

Couldn't help but agree with Mary's last post. I was trying to work out why your thread has been worrying me and she explained it for me...

You've been busy busy busy. Non stop energy. Working. Cooking. Planning. Dancing. Rehearsing. Supermum. But you haven't talked much about your health and how you're doing.

That's what is worrying me. I was worrying about you exhausting yourself. You're feeling good so you're pushing yourself very hard. How does that work if you hit a low day and you are utterly exhausted and overcommitted?

I don't have Bipolar so I honestly don't know how it works so just tell me to get lost if I've got the wrong idea.

Take care of yourself 😊

[Fiasco]

Hi Mary and Quercus,

how are you both? Yes, I think stress would definitely exacerbate your symptoms mary.

Yes, I am go go go. But I love it lol. Until I crash of course 😕

Starting feeling it last few days - not sleeping, forgetting to eat, starting to get twinges of negative feelings. But I'm justifying by reminding myself that we're all a bit unwell at the moment, kids are driving my crazy because they're irritable and unwell, and I'm terribly nervous and excited about tomorrow's concert. Worried about his miss 6 will go - we leave home at 11sm tomorrow and prob won't be back til 5.30/6pm. She went back to school yesterday and today but she's still not seeming right (complaining of sore ear so I wonder if she's got another infection).

Then on Sunday we're spending the day at a local island with my brother and his partner as a belated bday day for miss 6 since she was sick on Tuesday... I made cupcakes for her to take to school yesterday and apparently they were a hit lol. Just baked a fruit and nut cake now for Sunday.

cancelled my psychiatrist appointment for next week. Too much money. And not useful. I refuse to take drugs so I'd be wasting his time and mine. I love my psychologist and find her really helpful. I just got my book about the GAPS diet in the mail today, so going to try that. Also been back into daily yoga. I feel like I went 16 years without being suicidal, and I can find other ways to deal with myself besides relying on drugs. So stubborn lol!!!! But seriously, I felt so powerless last year and I began believing that I had no control in my illness. I used it as an excuse. I don't want to label myself. I'm me. I have aspects of many conditions, but I can't let that limit me.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Fi

just wanted to wish you all the best for your concert tomorrow. You will be amazing - if you're not out too late celebrating drop by the circle and tell us how it went .

Stressless

[Guest_3712]

Hi Mary

Just wanted to thank you for all your support as always . You have a real knack for giving me a shake and a hug at the same time .

If I could picture what my ideal mother would be like , she would be called Mary.

She would love her children unreservedly, be there for others doing lots of volunteer work, active in the church, and despite having her own issues with pain and MI , unselfishly continue to help others.

She loves gardening and is knowledgeable in most things but is not afraid to ask if she doesn't.

Lucky for me and others here we have you , beautiful Mary .

Now no tears my friend I just don't say it enough and I just had ton let it out in one go.

Come to circle later so I can give u a lovely warm hug and some hot choc by the fire.

Stressless

[Guest_3712]

Hi Fi

Sorry I high jacked your thread .

Mary check out Bouquet for Pearls thread

Stressless

[Fiasco]

No worries stressless you expressed my sentiments perfectly!!!! Mary, you're also my perfect mother lol. My own mum just left my place now after a quick visit initiated by me as she won't be coming to concert tomorrow and I thought she'd like to see the girls. Hah. I'm left with a sour taste in my mouth and bitterness. She has a knack of making the environment she's in feel toxic (especially when she and dad are there together, ugh) and a patio laid talent for making me feel like being me a bad thing. I'd just made a cake, and packed them a bag of stuff I've made recently like I always do (fermented salsa, homemade banana chips, pumpkin muffins...) and she still managed to make me feel like I was the one who was doing the wrong thing because I actually make an effort and care about things. Her insinuated motto is don't care and then nothing matters. Argh!!!! I hate hate hate it!!!! I'm proud to be opposite to her, and I'm glad I actually try to love my life rather than giving up and then trying to make everyone else around me give up too so I don't feel so bad.... 😡😡😡😡