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[Fiasco]

I think I'm going crazy. Can someone please help me?

[Fiasco]

Hi Mary,

I'm so sorry to hear about your problems with the psychologist. Who needs fiction when real life can be so full on? Just blows my mind that stuff like that can actually happen. You must be feeling terrible about it. I can't imagine how I would act in your shoes. As you said, how terrible to use that deception on people when they're vulnerable. Just unbelievable.

Well you've found me out about the name lol. Fiasco actually has a cool story behind it but I can't risk telling it publicly unless I want others to possibly find me out. Wish I could!

Ah comfort eating. I honestly never understood it til my breakdown last year. Usually if I'm upset I'd lose my appetite. But wow, now I have no self control! If there's a bag of marshmallows, I'd eat the lot! It's awful. So I don't have any rubbish in the house. I'd like to go back to not comfort eating please! 😂

How did you go with the pain medication? I'm still not taking any meds. Still don't believe I actually have bipolar etc. Hubby has been off work this week, and both girls on holidays from prep and kindy, and it's been quite nice. Very busy with lots of activities, but I've also had lots of help around the house and plenty of time to myself too, which has been great.

Have only briefly and fleetingly felt the pull of dark thoughts and chaos at the back of my mind recently, and it's been easy to brush them away being so busy and pleasantly distracted. When I actually stop and think about things, I find my mind going to painful memories and negatively spiralling, but being forced out of my mind this week has been good.

Fi

[White_Rose]

Hello Fi

Lovely to hear from you and to know you are managing quite well. Not so good here. The fibromyalgia decided to go attention seeking and I have had lots of pain in the past couple of days. Saw GP in the week and got some pain pills. Spent last night (Friday) in so much pain I couldn't sleep. So went back to GP this morning and got meds reorganised. Much better today although very tired. All I've done is sleep and watch TV until now 3:45 pm. Looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight.

I am actually amazed that I wrote about the psych. It was never my intention but suddenly there it was in print. I actually much more free since then. I think I will be able to get back to feeling some distance from him and all the crap. That's the plan. I'm told this fibromyalgia has a lot to do with stress so the sooner I stop worrying about it the sooner the pain stops. Well that's the theory.

I found I was comfort eating over things that upset me but were not the end of the world stuff. When I first became depressed I just could not eat because it was such a huge thing and I had never experienced anything like it.

I always enjoyed school holidays with the children at home. Having four within six years meant there were inevitable spats with each other but on the whole they were good. I enjoyed taking them out even just for shopping. I'm having my granddaughter to stay with me for a day or two at the end of the week. I hope I get some energy back before Miss Six arrives. She can help me in the garden.

I wish I could say something helpful about Bipolar and meds but I do not know much about it. The person who started This Bipolar Life thread only discovered this was her problem last year and I think she had difficulty accepting it and readjusting her life. If you go back to that thread you will find lots of posts from her at the beginning and about her struggles. She doesn't write there much these days I think.

Distraction therapy is good. When I get down I look at my list of activities and start work on one. Catching yourself before the thoughts get a hold is good. After a while changing thoughts and activities can become almost automatic.

Cold day here in Brisbane today. Compared with further south I think we are better off in the winter, but boy does the summer heat and humidity get me down.

It's good to know you are feeling happier.

Mary

[Fiasco]

Thanks Mary. I will have to read back through the start of that thread.

I'm sad to hear about your pain - my mum believes she has fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue, but has never been formally diagnosed as she refuses to see anyone except naturopaths. I've never known her any differently that I can remember. But you sound very energetic (generally) and so involved in life and being around people. My mother is not like that at all, and blames her physical illnesses.

anyway, enough about her. I really hope you can feel better again very soon. And yes stress always makes everything worse. I'm glad you look forward to Miss 6 coming. My eldest living daughter will be 6 on the 11th- I can't believe it!!! Time flies in so many ways. I often don't appreciate my time with my kids as I should. Hearing you say how much you enjoyed your kids- so many kids so close together!- makes me feel a little crap in comparison lol! But in a good way, because it'll inspire me to make more of an effort. (Cos I have sometimes been wishing the holidays over!). My girls fight fight fight! They are so opposite in personality. But sometimes, sometimes they are beautiful together.

Yes I'm in the Redlands, and it was so cold last night compared to a few nights ago! I'm not a fan of the cold at all, but we took the girls to the snow exhibit thing at Southbank yesterday and it was pretty fun (and not so cold at all!).

I'm also glad it rained the other night, because I had been a bit neglectful of my garden! We have a memorial garden for our baby boy and the flowers are so pretty in there at the moment. I bought a Gallipoli rose a few years ago and it's in there now. It's such a lovely red rose and always has so many blooms. I'm also loving my bougainvilleas at the moment. I really should go into the garden before the sun disappears, but I'm just waiting for a cake to bake. (Angel food cake - yum!) Oh oh actually I better go get it out of the oven!! 😂

Fi

[White_Rose]

What a lovely positive post Fi. I didn't say my children never had fights, who am I kidding. I have two daughters and two sons. My eldest daughter has always claimed the right to be boss because of her seniority. My eldest granddaughter will be 22 on the 20th. Makes me feel quite old.

Yes I like to be a bit energetic. Sitting in the house all day is great at times but I would get stir crazy if I had nothing to do outside. Your mom may have fibromyalgia and/or chronic fatigue. I think they are different illnesses. She should get a proper diagnosis as there are things she can do to help herself. I am not really keen on meds but neither am I keen on pain. So I will trade taking pain killers at times to enable me to go and do the things I enjoy. I can hardly complain about not getting out and about if I refuse to do the things that enable me to get around.

I also enjoyed the rain. No need to water the garden. I suspect it will be cold again tonight. Already feels chilly. So shut the curtains (and doors and windows), put on warm clothing and if all else fails, switch the heating on.

I received four roses by post a couple of days ago. Still trying to make up my mind where to plant them. For the moment they are all in one big pot but I cannot leave them there too long. I think once my water feature arrives I will be able to make a decision.

Home cooked cake, yum. I used to do that but now I am on my own I have no need. However, if you have a couple of crumbs to spare you can send them over.😂

Think warm thoughts.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

I just caught up on your thread and I'd missed this that you wrote...

But even when I feel happy and not plagued by self-destructive urges, I'm still aware of that strong negative feeling hiding within me, and I'm terrified of what will happen when something lets it out again (being tired, a fight with hubby/kids, flashbacks...). For 16 years I thought that I'd left it behind; that the time of its reign had simply been because of being a teenage girl and not because it was a part of me. But it came back. Worse than ever before. And now I feel like I'll never be free of it again.

Have you spoken to your psych about this in depth? Have you spoken to anyone? I remember Mary telling me it would feel good to talk openly get all the poison out. It does help in the long term.

I wasn't sure for a while if it was good that I'd unburied all the memories and feelings I'd hidden for so long because of how messed up I felt. But this weekend I realised I'm finding it easier to talk about. Not long ago I couldn't force words out now the words come easily. And I feel less guilt and shame. I can say the words rape and abuse most days now. Without wanting to take the words back and apologise. I'm finally allowing myself to feel angry. I'm finally allowing myself to realise it wasn't my fault. It's not perfect but there has been progress. In how I feel.

Do you want to talk about this? We're here if you do or your psych. My psych told me it was like I experimented with telling him openly and it helped me to feel ok about talking more to my husband.

You're not alone Fiasco.

[Fiasco]

Mary and Quercus I'll reply properly later today hopefully. This is just a post purely for venting and working through my thoughts. It's 4.30am and I've been awake for hours. Have you ever had night where you seem to be working all night in your dreams? (Eg serving customers, teaching etc)

Well tonight I woke up having a panic attack because I'd been dreaming about acting on stage, and then my mind started freaking out about my upcoming dance concert. I haven't been on stage or performed in public in any sort of medium since I was pregnant at the end of 2015, and before my life fell apart last year. I think I'm nervous about the actual performance and I feel very underprepared, but I'm also linking it to how i was a person before. And now how I feel like I'm completely different and I don't think I can do it. I have been on stage more times than I can count, since I was a kid. Acting, the lead in musicals, choirs, singing, concert bands, ballet, orchestras.... but now I feel like I've left that peeeon behind. I have no confidence. I don't want people to look at me. I can't handle being the centre of attention. I want to hide. This is just in general (another reason I can't imagine ever going back to teaching, where you're entire day is acting and entertaining classes of young adults). I can't even go shopping because I feel stupid and self conscious nowadays. The thought of going on stage is making me feel like vomiting. I'm not that version of myself anymore. Why do I keep doing this to myself? When I started high school I suddenly became painfully and uncharactwristically shy. I couldn't even answer a question in class anyway. It felt debilitating. So what did I do? I forced myself to do public speaking. 😂 I always seem to try and desensitise myself to whatever is making me anxious, in the hope that I'll get so used to it that it won't bother me anymore. But the last 16 months have reset me to a version of myself that I don't like. And I don't feel like I have the energy or motivation to create myself all over again. Why can't I just be content to be nothing?

[Guest_3712]

Hi Fiasco,

Like u I've been awake for hours so I hope you don't mind if I reply .

I just wonder why you went back to your dancing. That in itself takes courage and confidence . We know you are good, your performance list is really impressive.

Is it possible that these performances nerves are exaggerated because of your anxiety issues and maybe not directly attributed to the dance ?

Sorry maybe I'm off the mark here but as I don't have a creative bone in my body not sure how it works.

One thing I do know is "you can't be content to be nothing" because you are so much more - like it or not !

Strong, capable, resourceful, creative talented,compassionate,independentshould I go on ?

One foot in front of the other! Let us know when the concert is on .

The circle will be there to cheer you on !

Have confidence in your abilities Fi

Stressless

[White_Rose]

Hello Stressless

I have just left you an answer on the What Do You Fear thread. Now here you are proving what a great person you are, (and incidentally proving I am right about you).

Just shows how one person can break but with the strength of the team we can stand firm.

Mary

[Fiasco]

Hi Mary,

yes I agree my mum should get a diagnosis. But no one can convince her. She hasn't seen a doctor for for at least 30 years I'd say. To me, it seems she's never even tried to help herself. But that's my skewed view. I agree staying at home doing nothing would make matters worse. I'm glad you are involved in things - it's quite inspirational. Presented with you and my mother, I know which way id aim to be when I'm older (I hope!!).

ah so there's a large age gap between your oldest and youngest grandchildren?

your garden sounds so lovely. What type of water feature have you chosen? I have one little one out of the front of my house I brought with me when we moved from Townsville that I'd bought at the markets - a handmade concrete fairy. I love it.

i really would have loved to give you some cake! I ended up baking some rosemary biscuits yesterday, and some marble cake the day before. I'm hoping to do a rhubarb cream pie today if I have time. All gluten free of course 😉 (I have coeliac disease and a few other autoimmune issues).

hope you have a good day,

fi

[Fiasco]

Hi Quercus,

im glad you've been sorting through some things and working through priorities. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on your other thread, it was helpful for me to read.

thank you for being so supportive. I agree that after a while it gets easier to talk about things if you alllw yourself to talk about them in the first place... if you know what I mean. I've been feeling really good the last week having all the family home, and now hubby's back at work and 4 year old back at kindy. 5 year old still on holidays but I already am starting to feel all the old stuff coming up again. But I'm trying my best to shove it away and focus on staying busy and being positive. Trying to channel how I felt last week and replicate it.

you know how it is with kids - as soon as they fight or whatever it's hard for me to not be triggered into my withdrawal mode and dragged into the dark places in my mind.

hows today going for you?

fi