Help

[Fiasco]

I think I'm going crazy. Can someone please help me?

[Fiasco]

Thank you stressless. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences, and being so supportive of me. It means a lot.

Scott, thanks for reaching out too. I read your other thread, and I relate to your guilt about work and your partner. It's awful feeling like a burden. Have you spoken to your wife about how you feel?

I'm sorry to hear your return to work was handled badly. Teaching is such a complex job, and I can't help but feel that it's just getting worse. It's all about data, and the pressure placed on us is becoming more and more ridiculous. (Sorry, I'm quite disillusioned!)

Anyway, as you said Stressless, I need to focus on getting better and redefining my priorities and goals. But every time I fall back down the rabbit hole, it seems that I fall a little further, and it's harder each time to climb back out. Now that I've started on this path, it feels like I'm getting further away from where I'm meant to be. I'm lost.

[Scott76]

Hey Fiasco, thanks for replaying to my post. I'm on the keyboard this morning rather than the phone so I'm able to actually write a decent amount without getting thumb cramp.

I know what you mean about school being so data driven now. I'm a department head where I work(ed) and the pressure to analyse and respond to data is immense and then all of the other things that are piled on top of that just make the job almost untenable. My wife is convinced that while I think my recent MH battles are to do with the loss of three family members and friends last year that the real problem was that I just burnt out and those deaths just added to the problem. I'm starting to think she's right. Those losses make me sad but the thought of returning to work fills me with anxiety and dread. Just recently I got called in by the principal just for a catch up and so he could point out to me the way the process went from here I could barely bring myself to walk in the front door and once inside was basically just in tears. This was a place where I used to be (and excuse the hubris) the golden child and now I can barely stomach driving past.

It is truly awful feeling like a burden. My wife is a saint and is holding our family together financially (I'm in the process of claiming salary continuance insurance). I think it says more about me that I feel like a burden, maybe i would see my wife as such if the positions were reversed...I don't know. I do what I can to contribute - keep the house clean and the cupboards stocked. The kids get spoiled because I feel guilty as does my wife. I stick to a pretty rigourous schedule filled with things to do that my psychologist suggested to me in a list she photocopied.

You talk about the Rabbit Hole. When you are able to peek out, what do you see? What are you able to do? At my absolute worst I couldn't do anything. I just sat on the edge of my bed and cried. When my kids went to school I cried. I watched stupid TV shows and cried through those. I sat on the edge of my bed and cried through that. When my kids came home I cried. When my wife got home I'd sit in bed and watch netflix on my phone curled up in a ball in bed.

The thing that got me started (I'm running out of characters!) was the library at my school got burnt down and a friend of mine had his office in there. He had heaps of posters and trinkets in there and lost them all. So I went and bought him a new poster and a little lego model. It was a start..

[Fiasco]

Wow scott. Thank you for sharing how you've been feeling. I felt a lot of emotions reading your post, but mainly empathy. You have been so unbearably sad. From what you've said, and my own experiences, I'm inclined to agree with your wife- work burnt you out, and then grief finished the job while you were down. I feel that this is probably applicable to some extent in my case too. I was also a golden child lol! But now I can't think of anything more awful than being in charge of other staff and having that amount of responsibility. I can't even cope with going to the shops to buy groceries half the time nowadays! 😂😢 Oh how the times have changed.

In a previous post somewhere, Quercus suggested that it might be helpful to focus on the new version of ourselves and try to move forward focusing on what our new goals are (at least I think that's what you meant Quercus?). The issue being that I'm just trying to make it through each day. Trying to look beyond that isn't happening for me right now.

You asked what I see when I peek out of the rabbit hole ( ie when I'm feeling more 'normal' rather than despairingly lost and unutteringly hopeless). Well, I see hope. I feel that maybe it will all be ok. That one day I will feel like I'm ok. The possibility of acceptance of myself. But even when I feel happy and not plagued by self-destructive urges, I'm still aware of that strong negative feeling hiding within me, and I'm terrified of what will happen when something lets it out again (being tired, a fight with hubby/kids, flashbacks...). For 16 years I thought that I'd left it behind; that the time of its reign had simply been because of being a teenage girl and not because it was a part of me. But it came back. Worse than ever before. And now I feel like I'll never be free of it again.

[Scott76]

Your comment about not being able to go to the shops rings true for me. I struggled with that myself. On one day I got down the escalator and then had to to turn around and get back to the car. When I got back to the car I had to phone up a friend to help talk me down from a panic attack and then she had to stay on the line so I could get myself home.

When my psychologist gave me the list of things to try to do (one page was based on doing things and the other was based on experiencing senses) the first one I tried was to go out and have something to eat that I used to enjoy eating. For three days straight I went to the same food hall (at the shopping centre where I freaked out) and, it sounds a bit silly, indulged in a hot chicken roll and chips for lunch. Then I did some people watching which was also on the list and it gradually improved from there.

I'm by no means all better. My psychiatrist rates me as a 2/10 (although he said the first 2 times he saw me I was a 0/10). I know I'm a bit better than that, i fall apart a little bit in the dr's office. (Now I email him before I see him to let him know how I've been going lest I collapse into tears at the appointment)

Your last paragraph rings true with me too. The idea that this is something that I will need to work to control for the rest of my life was something that was foreign to me. I've never had an affliction that wasn't fixed by some sort of treatment. Even in the previous twenty years when I suffered from depression the medication I was on took care of that entirely and made me hyper functional if anything. This new depression doesn't feel like that.

I wish I had kept the two lists so I could suggest a few of the things that are suggested. Some were really low in terms of effort. Others much more intensive.

My therapist and the physician appointed by work have both asked me if i experience joy at the moment. I think about it and I don't think I do. I think I'm really surviving on the feeling of accomplishment. Maybe I do experience joy but I'm not conscious of it.

Anyway, its that time of the day for me to hit the treadmill.

[Fiasco]

Well done hitting the treadmill scott! Does exercise help much? I have my calisthenics dance class tonight and I'm a bit apprehensive - last week I had a meltdown because I was so tired and frustrated and I walked out! Our teacher has been away for the last 2 sessions so it's been the blind leading the blind. She has high expectations, so I know she's gonna work us hard tonight! I'm a perfectionist, and I don't want to let down her, my team, or myself. Our first concert is on the 15th July, then our first competition a couple of weeks later, and I feel anything but ready! I know I should be proud of myself because I've never done this before etc etc, but gosh I'm so nervous.

anyway, I'm glad you felt better for facing your fears at the food court. It sounds like your psychologist has been really helpful.

hope you've all had a good day today Quercus, Mary, stressless, scott and everyone.

Fi

[White_Rose]

Dear Fi

You more positive today which is lovely to read. Callisthenics eh, all power to you on that score. I'm surprised I can even spell it.

I asked you in an earlier post if you had read This Bipolar Life in the Long Term forum. I think you will find much support there with those who are managing the same MI as you. I hope you will take a look.

At one time I managed staff rehab after illness, accident and MI. We believed in working with the doctors and specialists to get someone back to work safely. Interestingly I came across a psychiatrist who told our staff person they were ready to return to work. This was on Thursday and he expected to return full time on Monday after being away four months. Unbelievable. So we sent him to another psychiatrist for a return to work program.

Like anyone returning to work and especially after a long absence, there are many factors to consider. In this case there had been huge changes to our computer system which everyone had learned in stages. This psych expected his patient to step back into the role as though nothing had changed and refused to even listen to me when I explained. He also told his patient we were discriminating against him by not allowing his immediate return to work.

Well we did it our way and at great expense to the organisation. I think the staff member would have collapsed in a short time had we not taken carefully considered steps and paid him his full time wage.

Anyway I have just realised the time and I must fly. I will write more later.

Mary

[Guest_3712]

Hi Fiasco

Wow a dancer - good on you . A good stress reliever I bet . I'm sure it's natural to be nervous .

Wishing you all the best

Stressless

[Scott76]

Hey Fi,

Ive always been pretty active and when I got seriously depressed it was something that I abandoned pretty quickly. My GP immediately suggested I get back into some form of exercised but I couldn't muster the motivation.

Then as a result of that and a new medication I put on over twenty kilos. I had never been anything close to overweight in my whole life and now suddenly I was catching myself with this huge gut in mirrors and windows.

So now the treadmill is probably the key part of my routine. After my midday meds I line up a few podcasts and hit the treadmill for about 80 minutes. I go flat out for the first twenty minutes and try to cover 5k and then cover another five in the next forty. Then I just cool down until the podcasts are finished. I haven't lost a single kilogram!! But the gut has disappeared.

i play masters football too every second Sunday. I pretty much suck at that but the boys I play with are a good bunch.

[Fiasco]

Morning all!

The sun is up early and I'm happy to see it! Can't wait til the days get longer and longer again.

Sorry Mary! I often haven't commented/replied properly, but I've always appreciated your advice. I did the bipolar test thing you recommended a while ago and scored quite high. I also went onto the thread you suggested. I just found it a bit too overwhelming. I've been never liked crowds 😉 I much prefer small conversations, and that one has so many participants it makes my head spin. I couldn't really relate to the current topic of conversation, but am keeping an eye on it nonetheless. (plus I really don't have the time or concentration to read back through so many posts lol!) Mary, I hope you're feeling better today. Thinking of you.

In regards to return to work, yes, my psychiatrist last year thought I'd be fine to step back into teaching after I'd been in hospital for 4 months and only home for 2 weeks before returning. I only lasted 4 weeks at work in term 3 last year before I gave up and went back on leave. (And back into hospital a few more times).

Hi Stressless. Hmm yes I think it's good that dancing in a team (and prepaying! 😂) forces me to be more active (I'm naturally more sedentary).

Ah Scott! I'm glad you're managing to keep motivation to be exercising, espxwcially as you said you've always been pretty active. I really relate to your mention of weight. Really really. I'm tiny (150cm tall!) and so any weight gain is a big deal for me. When I was pregnant I put on half my body weight and only just avoided being bed ridden because of the toll on my back and joints. But other than that, I never really had huge issues with being too heavy. Until last year when I started LOTS of medication. Combined with being in special care in hospital for 10 weeks (I honestly almost forgot how to walk) and all the lack of incidental movement of running a household. I also put on 20kg (almost half my tonal weight). I hated myself. I couldn't fit into a single thing I owned and felt disgusting. Once I was home I started going to the gym (never been my thing - more of a yoga and ballet girl) and basically stopped eating, but I also still had a huge tummy and was way overweight. I gave up all my meds in November. And now I'm back to normal. This is a huge thing for me, as I did have eating issues as a teenager, and the last thing I need now is another condition/diagnosis! This is one of the biggest reasons I'm not filling my current prescriptions.

[White_Rose]

Hello Fi

I hope you don't mind the shorter name. I saw others using it and thought how lovely. Much more positive than the full name. I had a friend called Fiona and we always called her Fi.

I would never think of reading a whole post as long as that one. Perhaps a page or two to find out what folk were saying. No need to force yourself to do anything. Keeping tabs is a good idea.

Ah the weight thing. I was always trim taut and terrific until I had babies. Don't think it was the babies that caused the weight gain but the comfort eating while they were growing up. Lost 22kg when I became depressed because I could not face eating.

I read your answer to Scott about focussing on the 'new you' and future goals. It's a great idea when you feel stronger and can look ahead further than the next day. When you are living day by day because that's all you can manage, then that's all you can manage. How are you going with medication? I know this is a hard thing for you and I wonder where your head is in all this. Yesterday I saw my GP who offered me a stronger pain relief, warning it lasted 12 hours. The first time I take it must be when I was not going out the next day, just in case it was still affecting me.

This is partly because she would tell this to everyone she prescribed, but also because we both know how some meds react badly with me. So here I am sitting with pain relief tablets, unable to take one until Friday night to make sure I have a safety net. I think I will cancel everything for tomorrow so I can have some relief tonight.

Have you read Quercus thread recently? I was talking about discovering my psychologist is a fake. Anyway I was in court yesterday, not about the psych bit but other charges he is facing. I sat there for several hours waiting for him to appear and plead guilty then I was told he would not change his plea to guilty and there would be no court appearance. Instead I have to wait until the end of August for his hearing. I think he is trying to string everyone along hoping the prosecution will get fed up and let it all go. Now that will make me very cross.

Keep on looking at the next step, the next day, until you look up and find you are happy again. I think you will always remember your past but without the hurt and shame you feel now. Being able to say," Yes I was that person but not anymore" will be fantastic. And you are getting there, make no mistake about that.

Mary