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[Fiasco]

I think I'm going crazy. Can someone please help me?

[White_Rose]

Hello Fiasco

This is a short post as the pain has returned to my right shoulder and I am typing with my left hand.

Getting a diagnosis is good in a general way but I think you are not happy with these. Bipolar and BPD can be treated which is good. You may struggle with bipolar meds but please stay with it. It will make your life so much more even and help prevent these highs and lows that can be so distressing.

Mary

[Guest_3712]

Hi Fiasco

I think my husband and yours are related. As Quercus and White Rose can tell u I have the same issues with not being treated equal by husband

in fact he said almost word for word what yours did about how lucky I was because he doesn't go out with the boys and drink gamble Etc

Even saying ' Don't forget you are the one who ended up on drugs and in the psych ward - oh really ! No actually I forgot all that !

Dont know the answer I'm afraid

I know I'm intelligent enough but just a few cutting remarks and I am a babbling mess . Maybe there's a secret men's club somewhere they all check into and get all this horrible advice on how to treat their wives

Quercus you crack me up !

your advice to Fiasco and also to me on some occasions is very heartfelt and genuine - wish I had your courage

Fiasco with what I've read I can see you are a very intelligent and talented woman coping with extreme sadness and stress and yet still caring for your family

In your situation I doubt I could put one foot in front of the other . A uni degree? Wow I didn't finish high school. You must take pride in what you have and can still do and stop focussing on the negatives

Not easy I know . My psych said to me once that my hubby actually felt a bit threatened by my resilience and strength and that's why he lashed out

is this possible in your case do u think ?

Anyway no matter how much you doubt yourself I for one take my hat off to you and I'm honoured to be able to talk to you here

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[White_Rose]

Hello Fiasco

How are you going? Are you feeling more in charge of yourself? I was looking at Stressless' post and thinking about husbands. Can't live with them, can't live without them. Hmmm.

Stressless wrote about her husband being threatened by her abilities. I have never thought of this before. I wonder if this is why he enjoyed putting me down in public. I think it backfired on him a few times but it was always hurtful. Yet I don't see myself as special in any way. I read Quercus and TA's posts about their children and chuckle because I also felt like that with littlies.

How are you going with your meds? I think you will notice some changes soon. May I suggest you keep a record of how the meds are affecting you. Some people manage and others find lots of difficulties. One thing I have found is that doctors always want to know when this or that feeling/sensation started, your physical symptoms, if you feel more calm and all that detail. I can never remember accurately so I write it down.

Hope all is well with you.

Mary

[Fiasco]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for thinking of me and taking the time to write. I know you've been in pain recently, so it shows just how caring you are.

My mood fluctuates wildly. Even the last two days have seen me feel despair and yet happiness as well. I'm going with the flow at the moment.

I really don't know what to say about my husband. The main thing that's driving me nuts recently is his inability to listen, and actually be present in the moment, and the way I disagree with his parenting style (as he does with mine lol). But he has many amazing qualities, and I am surely very far from prefect. I am lucky to have him.

My kids definitely drive me crazy sometimes. But the love I feel for them I have never felt for anything else in my life.

As for my meds...I am

stubborn, misguided and fuelled by a feeling of being right....I haven't even put the scripts in to be filled let alone taken them. I have some sort of need to deal with this all in my own way, on my terms. Either I'll become famous by selling my drug-free methods of success, or I'll fail. 😂 But in all seriousness, I have no faith in medication. Perhaps I'm just a ridiculous control freak. Probably. Maybe next week I'll find myself on the brink of recklessness and turn to medication as a saviour. Who knows? For now, I'm trying to work with myself. To be accountable for my own thoughts and actions and to accept myself. I need to be a grown up.

But I really do value and appreciate your advice and suggestions. One day I might learn from those who are wiser and more experienced than me. But I've always been one to try things for myself. Silly youth and immaturity. Ah well.

ah stressless, I might be academically inclined, but I've never had worldly wisdom. I always wished I was more capable in the real world rather than just being 'smart'. My mother is extremely 'intelligent' also - yet she's basically never functioned in the real world. She's never worked, never learnt to drive, doesn't leave the house, hates her husband yet can't leave because she can't look after herself without him ... She has been extremely unhappy for most of her life. Yet My husband never did amazingly well at school, and now he's succeeded more than most of those who were 'smarter' than him.

I am in a rut. I feel like a burden to my family because I can't work, and one day my income protection will finish and then how will I contribute financially? Will I ever be able to do what I used to? I can't imagine it. I am useless.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Again Fiasco,

I'm not going to insist you take my compliments because that's what we do when we have depression and low self esteem. I do it all the time, even on these forums like you- learning to love ourselves or even like ourselves, something I'm exploring on Blond Guys thread in staying well.

In regards to medication I totally get your decision on not wanting to take meds. I also resisted this for a long time, until I realized in my case at least I needed help to normalize my brain chemistry- I was sick and needed help more than what I could do on my own. Not sure what you have read about how certain medications work, but if you are not thoroughly versed on how these work do some research and then you can make an informed decision. If you have done this then I apologise and respect your right to choose.

Can I ask what kind of work you did ? Is there any way this can be modified to suit your present situation ?

I was told at one point I would never work again, largely in part to my physical limitations and then as I became more and more depressed and convinced I was useless, it seemed they were right. I was done, Looking back on that time I'm not really sure in what order things happened. I had numerous surgeries which eventually turned things around to the point I could begin therapy and rehab to get myself moving again.

I quit many times. Too hard, too tired, too sore you name it I used it as an excuse. Little things started to happen for the better. I started to walk with the aid of a cane, was swimming regularly and because I was busy I didn't have time to mope around which helped my depression. I f anyone had said 5 years ago I would not only be walking unaided but also working , casual but paid work I wouldn't have believed them.

I guess what I'm saying is that whether you agree or not you are strong and you are a survivor. You will regain your life, maybe not as it was, mine isn't , but it can still be fulfilling - just different. You have a lot on your plate at the moment but an on line course may help to get additional skills- these can be done self paced so no pressure.

Anyway just wanted you to know I know where you are coming from

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[White_Rose]

Hello Fiasco

We members of the Shaky Foundations Club need to help and support each other. So in that vein can I suggest you read the thread called This Bipolar Life in the Long Term forum. Perhaps chatting with others who have gone through the stuff you are experiencing will help.

Please believe you are not useless. I think you do amazing things. I am so tired tonight. It's been a week of going from one horrid thing to another and I need to sleep. Sorry I don't want to leave you on your own.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

In a rut. Feeling like a burden. Wanting someone to just HEAR you. Worrying about not contributing. Wanting to be in control and work out your mental health without medication. Yep all familiar.

I found I was stubborn about meds because to me it felt like the last part of my existance that I had the control to choose for myself. Admitting I needed help and couldn't do it alone was very hard. But medication has helped a lot. In hindsight I'm annoyed I put myself through such a hard time just to try prove a point myself.

One thing I've realised recently was that I have changed. My MI experience has changed me. My autoimmune disease experience and experience of utter pain and loss has changed me. Having children has changed me. Learning how deeply I love others has changed me.

So why am I still expecting myself to live up to my old standards? My priorities are different. My tolerances have altered. How I feel about life in general is different. So I need to make changes just for me. Does that make sense to you too?

You're worried about never getting back to where you were. Do YOU want that anymore? What do you want from your life now? What would make you feel happy and worthwhile? I realised I've been holding onto my job even though I hate it because of plans and dreams I had in the past. And also because of what other's think. My job is competitive and pays well. Everyone says it is worth holding on to... That going back to retail is me admitting defeat and being lazy. But I am miserable. And I don't care.

So now it's time to work out what I want. I am still alive and at the moment am healthy. But I've had a hard few years which have made me come to terms with how short life and health can be. So I'm impatient at wasting my life being miserable now rather than choosing to experience life while I can. I need a plan and steps to take to start living not just existing.

What would you do? What do you want? What would make you happy?

[Fiasco]

Hi ladies. Thank you for your replies.

Stressless, I've been a high school teacher for the last 12 years. I've been trying since last term (march) to get back to work. My psychologist wrote up an amazing return to work plan and gp signed off on it. I was feeling apprehensive but ok. But the department won't have a bar of it. My income protection supplier is trying to fight for my rights (as they're the ones who'd be paying me until I return to full duties, if ever, and they're in agreement with the return to work plan), but department says if you're not ready to come back and have your own classes, then you're not ready to come back. I've been at the same school since 2005- a huge, tough, low-socioeconomic school that takes me an hour or more to drive to each way every day...I just can't do it. I was working full time at the start of last year with a 2 and 4 year old at the time, living in a house being renovated that flooded and ceiling collapsed, and was pregnant with our son. Some days it would take me over 2 hours to drive home if there was an accident on the roads. I tried going back to work twice last year to regain some normality, but everything just reminded me of what I lost, and how I partially blame work. Even driving there this year to have a meeting with admin made me have some awful anxiety and panic attacks. I've been told point blank that I can't get a transfer closer to home because I haven't done country service, and I haven't even tried to get into the private system because I feel like I've lost any skills and knowledge I used to have. The ECT I had last year has ruined my memory. I don't have the energy to pretend I'm ok. It's just all too hard. So I don't think about it. But eventually, I will have to. This magic bubble of income protection is not infinite. Soon, i will

need to go back to work if I want to earn a living. I have no confidence anymore. I feel like a failure and a phoney. I used to be smart and enthusiastic. I loved my job. Now, I forget everything and I don't want to be there. It's not fair on the students and it's not fair on my colleagues. There's no point going back unless I can commit 100%. And I can't.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Fiasco

Im so terribly sorry - it just seems at times everything is against you trying to get back to some kind of normality

I can relate on a couple of things. My injury was a work injury so everything was workers comp. All medical and then later mental .

I had to fight insurers, work, and eventually the legal system. Degrading , exhausting , frustrating.All you want is to do what u used to do . I had restrictive duties for a while but eventually they said if I could no longer do the job I didn't have a job

Then it was through the courts. To be honest I nearly didn't make it. I was followed and treated like a criminal. Eventually things were settled but then that's when my depression and anxiety took hold .

No work no income , no self respect , no purpose. Several admissions to psych hospital and then like you I tried ECT - over several months I had. 3 courses of 12 treatments each time .

Long story short it did help my depression a lot but like u I suffer memory loss. Great gaps in my memory - things I've done , places I've been all gone. I have trouble sometimes getting words out and have to picture in my mind what I want to say before I can formulate the word

I am so very sorry for what you are and have been through- more than one person should have to.

Although my story has not been anyway as hard as yours like I said I can relate and I hope somewhere in your despair you can believe things can get better

i don't know a lot about your current supports - medical or other , but take whatever u can to make things easier

No matter how impossible it may seem one day u will go back to work if this is what u want . Maybe not in same capacity, but u are smart and can adapt . I have 2 casual jobs now both in my original profession but different fields

Yes it's great to be contributing again but I'm just learning my work is not what defines me- see psych I do pay attention .

My worth and yours is not measured by how much money we make or job you do - no -one will remember this

Once you work out what's important in your life and how you want those you love to think of you , then you will have a goal you can achieve

Fiasco I do get how dark your world is right now, please just try to work on small pieces at the moment not big chunks - you need to heal first

I hope this hasn't upset you - I do admire your strength in being there for others

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Scott76]

Hey Fiasco,

im sorry to hear you're not doing too well. I'm a high school teacher too and like you off work at the moment. I was off last year too and did the whole return to work thing too. It was done so badly though that a few weeks into this year I wound up in hospital.

so in that regard at least I know how you feel.