Help

[Fiasco]

I think I'm going crazy. Can someone please help me?

[Fiasco]

Thank you ❤️I went home last night. Couldn't get into a private city hospital so late, couldn't go previous private hospital because of the issues, and recommended that public might make me worse. Especially with previous history. And honestly, I agree. Hospital takes me away from the real world, makes it easier to get lost in the nightmare. I've done things in hospital I would never have done at home. Being at home reminds me why I have to keep fighting, in hospital it's so easy to give up. For me, anyway. So I went home. My husband had today and yesterday off work. Kids were ecstatic to see me home. Just seeing their faces (they'd been crying for me) was like a stab in my stomach. How can I keep doing this to those beautiful little girls???? Ive been up since 3am again, but a lady on the MH line spoke to me for over one and a half hours until the self harming urges dulled down. She made me laugh, which was nice. Our 4 year old is home with us today. My husband is treating me like a child - untrustingly and suspiciously. I hate the feeling of being babysat and of having my freedom taken away. I understand where he's coming from, but I'd rather have compassion and empathy. I've told him over and over, I would never do anything with the kids around, and any time I feel bad I reach out. Always. I call lifeline, or beyond blue, or someone. He's treating me like I'm doing this on purpose and as if I'm choosing to do it. He doesn't understand - I'm still here because I'm working so hard NOT to give in to those unhelpful feelings and inappropriate coping strategies. But then, I don't understand myself what's happening in my head half the time, so I shouldn't be surprised he doesn't. I'm so stubborn and contradictory! I ask for help, then refuse it. I really just wish I could talk about all the things inside me. The awful things that wake me up. But I can barely acknowledge them to myself. I can't imagine ever sharing them with anyone else. There's separate parts of my mind that are locked up, and even I can't access them sometimes. I forget whole periods of time. I'm working so hard to keep it all in order, but the more people force me to open those parts the more unstable I become. I feel like I'm getting worse and worse rather than better. I get so upset that I shut down - go numb. I'll be sobbing one moment and then I feel like I'm completely detached. Either that or I'll pass out or vomit.

[Fiasco]

The problem is that I look so 'calm'. I don't present as agitated. Even though inside I'm screaming for help. I can't articulate it. My body literally won't let me even go there. When I start feeling 'bad', my body and mind go into preservation mode. I almost feel like I am asleep but with my eyes open. Numb. Observing but not present. Really calm but locked within myself.

[White_Rose]

Dear Fiasco

I am so sorry you are having this dreadful time. It appears the usual forms of help either go over your head or or dig up such painful memories that you go into a detachment phase. Neither is useful or helpful. I don't want to sound as though I am stating the obvious, though that may be the case, have you told your MH professionals what happens when you are pushed for an answer? Your description makes total sense to me and I presume would also make sense to your doctors etc. If they at least know how you feel, how you react and how your mind works on these occasions, they be able to find a way to help without pushing your buttons. Might be an idea to print off your post.

At times like I wish I knew enough to offer real help. How lovely your children were so happy to see you back home. I see your dilemma much more clearly now and I am sorry I did not understand fully what was happening to you. Is seems the ideal situation would be to have someone nearby who could simply sit with you and listen while you got the 'whatever' out of your system. The the person could go home. I had a group of people who did that for me to some extent. I would phone them and talk. If one was not available for any reason I could phone someone else. What I said or revealed did depend on who I was talking to but it helped me a lot.

Do you have people like this in your life, those who would listen without judgement and without telling you what to do. I had a couple of these people and they were wonderful. I did worry I was using them or perhaps abusing them with my story but they said they would tell me if this happened. I know they would tell me.

I see why you need to be with your children. It keeps you safe and your children will not feel abandoned. Can I make a suggestion, again with the knowledge it has probably been suggested before. Can you make a list of activities to do when the urges hit you? Something you can around the house or take the children to the park etc. Activities that need enough concentration to keep you from your other thoughts. It's hard to think of something when you are in the middle of your stuff, so having a list on the fridge would be handy. I think it would help to ground you a little and give an immediate way of cutting through the muddle in your mind.

You know you have many people here cheering you on from the sidelines, wishing we could do more. Use BB as one of your diversionary tactics.

Mary

[Guest_3712]

Hi Fiasco

Thinking of you 🌺

Take Care

Stressless

[Fiasco]

Thank you stressless, Mary and Quercus. I will try to make that list at some point mary,"; it's a good idea. I also like how you had friends to call.

Im not coping at all with the kids and husband. Just want to run away from it all.

[Fiasco]

Here's how selfish and self-centred and basically awful I am - I've packed a bag in my car and I'm ready to leave as soon as hubby goes to sleep. How's that for poor decision making? Impulsive, reckless, rash, thoughtless. But will I actually do it? I don't know. Maybe I'll just take the meds the hospital gave me and sleep and wake up and see the world differently. But I've played scenarios through in my head. I need to get away. Maybe I'll just park in front of the sea and stare at the waves in the moonlight and then come home and it'll all be ok.

god, I'm such a hypocrite. My dad used to leave all the time when I was young. The first I remember was after he and mum had a massive fight on my 7th birthday. I didn't know if he was coming back. I knew it was my fault. (Mum hadn't cooked dinner in time as she'd been playing with me, and he came home tired and cranky from work). he came back. And did it again and again. Any time he got angry he'd throw a tantrum, hit people, lash out, yell, and then drive away. I hated him for it. When I was a kid I used to wish he'd die. How freaking awful!!! God I'm such a bad person. Even as a kid I was awful.

And now I want to do the same. Run away. At least i didn't hit or lash out or yell or anything. And I'm waiting til everyone's asleep. But if I don't come back it's just as bad. Worse. I pretend to myself that all my anger is only turned in on me and that's somehow ok, because then I'm being a martyr. But it's not. It's hypocritical and stupid. I'll traumatise my kids a thousand times worse than my parents did to me.

[White_Rose]

Dear Fiasco

Do you have any family nearby? Or any family. If so, can they come and stay with you for a while? I understand the stress of your thoughts and the need to stay strong and care for your children. It sounds like a no win situation and that is not good enough. I can see that hospital is not a good solution and I can also see being at home with your children without other adults is also a bad situation.

I know you feel you would get angry and upset if someone tried to tell you what to do and I would not like it either. So can someone stay with you, someone who would simply be there to listen, to help with chores, go for a walk, anything you you need. It would have to be someone you trust, but is this possible at least for a short time?

Ideally it should be your husband but many husbands do not know how to respond in those situations. Have you ever got him to read anything about depression? If not why not go through BB information collection and get some sent out to you. There is information for family and friends to help them understand how the other person feels and that it is not attention seeking or anything like that.

Can you make an emergency appointment with your psych? I know you saw her a couple of days ago but this is serious. You need some help to manage this very rough patch you are going through. It will get better even though now it feels like you will stay like this forever. You can be well again and it will happen more quickly if you have some help.

Have you ever asked your husband to read your thread on BB? Or printed out some of your posts and replies? I wonder if it would help him understand how you feel. I think it is true that others cannot fully understand depression if they have not been there. I think however that family, especially husbands, should take your explanations of how you feel on trust.

Please keep in contact. If you need to talk to someone phone the BB helpline 1300 224636, the Suicide Callback number 1300 659 467 or Lifeline 13 11 14. These are available 24/7. Try to get some rest.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

Am thinking of you today and hoping you make use of the help lines Mary listed.

I don't have any advice to give that hasn't already been given unfortunately. But I am sending my encouragement and support and hoping you take it step by step through this difficult time.

Please take care of yourself Fiasco.

[Quercus]

Hi Fiasco,

​Just wondering if you are safe? Am hoping you went to hospital if you couldn't get any help or support.

Thinking about your last post running away is a learnt coping mechanism. Like how I used to binge eat like my Mum. We copy what we know unfortunately. Doesn't make you a bad person it just means you don't know how to cope.

I'm worried about you. Really think you need to sit hubby down and tell him honestly what is going on and that you need support.

Please take care. When you feel well enough can you please let us know you're safe?

[Fiasco]

Hello loyal ladies,

thank you for all your support. Right now, and am out of the fog for a moment. I feel clear headed and free of self sabotage, so it's time for me to write coherently.

The last week has been a blurry nightmare. My husband had Thursday and Friday off work and was also with me all weekend. I've been wonderfully supported by my psychologist (soooo different to my previous psychiatrist), the acute care team and mental health unit. It was a bad time.

But right now, I feel good. Seems like it's been a long time since I haven't been fighting my mind. It reminds me of when I used to get sick when I was a kid. I used to stay in bed for days and days, and then one day I'd wake up and suddenly I felt better. It was like being reborn lol. That's how I feel at the moment. Like everything that's been happening wasn't really me, and now I'm back and it's all ok. Pretty extreme hey? Things like this make me wonder if my psychiatrist was right about about me having bipolar. And I'm scared because although right now I feel great, and as if everything has always been and will always be great, I know that just as suddenly I might feel the complete opposite again. It's so silly that however i feel in one moment seems to be where I get stuck.

I need to try to find a balance, so I don't overdo it again and then crash. But I just feel so...creative? Like I have so many plans and things I can do and I have so many lists of stuff. Whereas recently I literally haven't been able to plan anything past the monent and was in survival mode. Now it's like I'm catching up? I don't know if that makes sense. I just hope I keep feeling like this. I'd much rather be this version of myself (too busy, thoughts racing, ideas wverywhere) than where I've been recently.