help needed - i just can't ask

[annie45]

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

Good to hear from you and Nat. Caring for someone, raising children and working with any help is ridiculous. If you have siblings or anyone who can do the various jobs, don't ask just tell them. Sixteen years ago I tried to suicide. My children found out and organised to be with me for several days when I came home. The girls were here, separately for a couple of days and then they told their brother he was spending the weekend with me. They didn't say why but he came.

I know your situation is not quite that bad but it can be very wearing and last for a few years. If there is no family help then accept help from your neighbours and friends. You need to keep yourself as well as possible which will not happen if you miss counselling appointments. I know about not wanting to accept help. Did that myself but now I have seen the error of my ways. 😊

Seriously, try to set up a routine which gives you time time for yourself and your counselling. If anyone complains just say, "Mary said".😊

Must fly, have a GP appointment, my last with this doctor and it's very hard. Said goodbye to my other GP last week. I am devastated.

Mary

[annie45]

Thank you for sharing Mary.

Of course you're right. The plus side of mums appointment this morning was that it gave me an hour to simply sit and think.

Yes right now I feel overwhelmed, stressed and a certain level of despondency. But I came up with a bit of a solution. Slow down...rocket science I know!!

Part of the deal to myself was to say 'no' more or do a bare minimum when the situation presents. That included dumping mum once her appointment was finished and sneaking an early lunch - I know she wanted me to stay and chat. Sounds good so far...but you may not like the next bit. I'm not going to make another appointment with my counsellor for a while. At the moment I would rather have the hour to myself rather than talking. Finding time to fit her in stresses me, talking with her stresses me. Knowing that she's right stresses me. It's only until the rest of the year - depending on how im going. I feel i just need to catch my breath for awhile.

Im sad to hear that you're leaving your gp - I remember you saying what a great help she was to you. I hope you can find someone else that you trust to talk with

thanks for your time

Annie

[annie45]

Hey Nat

thanks for writing when you feel crap yourself.

Unfortunately brother is a contractor with a stupidly large mortgage- if he doesn't work it doesn't get paid. And he has even less patience with mum than i do so the appointments are my chore at the moment. Cooking food may just be a short term problem as shd may not be able to eat solids for much longer...

but as I said to mary i might just do the bare minimum required at the moment.

Im sorry to hear you're feeling so bad at the moment. Any ideas on what's responsible?is there any stresses you can remove from your life for a while. My son is supposed to be doing speech therapy but im dubious about its effects, don't spend enough time doing the homework and am annoyed at the ridiculous cost so im cancelling it until next year (maybe for good..). Just didn't need it right now. Is there anything you can cut down or cancel?

i hope you're back on the grass with ice creams - i may have to join you.

Thanks again

Annie

[Guest_3712]

Hey Annie, ( and warm hugs to Mary and Nat)

Mum's and daughters, eh ! An already complicated relationship and then when the roles are reversed and the child becomes the adult, the lines definitely become blurred .

I know your mum is still going through the testing stages and diagnosis so its hard to make plans. Once you have the full picture though you will need to ask for help depending on what level of care is available for her own situation.

In my case I was left to do most of the looking after mum as I lived the closest by several hours. We had put in various services though to help, cleaning, care, meals until the time came when that wasn't enough and she went into full time care.

I went through so many stages of guilt, rage, lots of " not fair' or "why her/ me" etc as our already dysfunctional relationship went through many twists and turns, with me constantly second -guessing my motives . I'm not saying this is your situation of course.

I guess what I'm trying to say is do what feels right for you . Don't be quilted or pressured into doing the impossible and utilise whatever professional help you can as it is very easy to burn out doing too much, and then also neglecting your health and your families needs.

All family members can pitch in to help- everyone has bill and families and are way too busy so share the load.

Hope I haven't upset you, and I agree it is important to have some alone time for yourself without having to talk or listen to someone else- so I'll stop now but just want to give you my best wishes and also to your mum

Stressless

[annie45]

Thank you Stressless fir this post. Every single word was spot on! I'm sorry it's taken so long to reply, but I did read it and it helped bring some perspective back.

Im sorry to read on your thread that you don't feel the closeness to your bb friends as before. If my delayed response has been a part of it im truly sorry.

To me bb has been a gift. Early on i was on it alot, finding new people to help me feel less alone, to give me advice and guidance as well as acceptance. But now as i have grown and found more understanding I don't need it as much. You, Mary, Nat and TA have been responsible for this growth and you will always hold a special place in my heart.

If i drift away it's because you guys have made me better. Stressless if others that you hold close drift away perhaps it's because you have also made them feel better, stronger and more able to deal with their problems.

This does not mean that we are not there for you. Please ask and we will all be there whenever you need.

Your friendship (and Nats, Marys and TA's) is important to me and I am incredibly lucky to have it

Annie

[annie45]

Quick shout to Mar and Nat today also.

Im thinking of you both.

[Guest_3712]

Hey Annie,

So lovely to log on and then see your name straight away.

Firstly no -way do I feel that you have forgotten me and I am so happy that my post gave you some perspective. Of course it makes me so happy that you have grown and that the forums have been part of that process- that is a feel good moment for sure.

I have to be careful what I say here but I guess the sudden closure of another thread surprised me and if I m honest upset me a lot, however I don't mean to insinuate that others have abandoned me its just changed here that's all and on top of all the other things in the real world we have to adjust to, I felt a little insecure here and struggled to cope.

I am so very proud of you my friend and it is more than enough to know you are feeling stronger and more in control of your life- pop in from time to time to say hi.

I will always remember you with great affection

Stressless

[annie45]

Thanks Stressless

Im not planning on leaving, just excusing my any inconsistent presence here.

I still need you guys and want to support you - just need to do it a little less often.

Hope your doing well and best of luck with the house warming! I'm really hoping that having more space and all your things around you will help centre you. You are an amazing woman!

Annie

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie and wave to Stressless

It's great to know you are feeling stronger and better able to manage your life. Definitely a success story.

I am sad you are stopping your therapy until the end of the year even though I can understand the reason. My only comment is perhaps less frequent visits? I wonder if you can also see these visits as a chance to vent in some way and perhaps get some help from your counsellor. But do what you feel is best.

Both my GPs are leaving the practice for various reasons and do not intend to practice for a while. Don't really want a new GP but I will leave it a while to decide what to do next.

My next goal is to get fit again. With all the stuff going on in my life and the Exercise Physiologist leaving I have dropped the exercise ball. Not that I am greatly upset about not exercising but I really need to do something to get more stamina.

Remember we are here when you get stuck.

Mary

[annie45]

Hi Mary

thanks for your kind thoughts. How are you going at the moment.

I think the key to exercise is persistence- not persisting with exercise you dislike rather persisting with different exercises and groups until you find one that suits you. I used to train a group of ladies that ranged in age from 60-80. I'm sure 90% of the reason they came was social and they never stopped talking during the whole class. But while they were distracted i did manage to sneak some exercise in to them. Don't settle for a class or program that doesn't suit you. Keep exploring until you're actually happy to go.

I hope that this comes quickly for you.

Annie