help needed - i just can't ask

[annie45]

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

It's great that you can see how far you have come. Certainly a milestone to put in your memories.

In travelling your road you have helped and inspired others to keep going on their journeys. Fantastic.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

Thanks for the invite to sit quietly with you. I would like that.

I'm sorry to hear your week has been so hard. Thank you for checking in on me even though you don't feel good.

Is there anything you want to talk about? I am listening and do care very much even if I'm a bit quiet right now.

❤ Nat

[annie45]

Feeling overwhelmed, angry, sad, frustrated.

I'm sick of having to adult. I wish i was 20 years old with no responsibilities. I wish there was a manual that tells me what I'm supposed to do. I wish I could just run away

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

Oh how I get that feeling! Some days I wonder what it would feel like to just do whatever I liked for a week (then laugh and think I'd settle for 24 hours of going to the loo ALONE 😂). Responsibility sucks some days.

There is a lot of extra worry for you at the moment with Mum's diagnosis. Do you think it might be a good time to look at extra supports or relaxing activities to care for you?

By the way I forgot to ask.. How have your meds been going?

Thinking of you. Still chilling out on the grass in the sun (the kids are eating icecream not me but that still counts as following the instructions of your avatar right?).

Come sit with me if it helps you. Pull up a patch of grass and close your eyes and bake like a lobster 😎 (yep the summer sun is here in WA already). It's hard to feel crap when you're lazing in the sun.

Take care of yourself Annie! You know what you need to do.

❤ Nat

[annie45]

Thanks Nat

That sun sounds awesome. Just crappy weather here in vic grrr.

You're right I know what I need to do to wait this period out. I know it will get better soon.

I wish I knew how my meds were going. Unfortunately this situation with my mum has hit at the wrong time. I have no idea if my meds are working. Am I back to normal and the stress/distress I'm feeling is just natural or is it simply my depression still impacting or is it a mixture of both (I guess my heart says no 3.) I do know that I'm feeling pretty much no side effects now which is great.

How are you travelling these days??

Annie

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

I'll swop your crappy Vic weather for the humid and hot Qld weather. Had air con on today for the first time for a long while. Not good in the heat and it seems we are in for a long hot summer. Sigh.

How is your mom? You said she was coping quite well earlier. Is this still happening? I re-read your post on 24/10 on how helpful it was to post on this forum. It seems I did not thank you but I do so now. I have found it incredibly helpful to talk to others about their various MI problems regardless if they were the same as mine or not. What we have in common is starting each day with the determination to live to the best of our ability.

I think your meds are working but with this additional worry it's difficult to feel better. If they were not doing much I suspect you would be quite despondent. Looking at it backwards but showing you are going forward. I used to feel like you and Nat about having time to myself, no children around, no meals and housework to do, no need to leave the house unless I wanted to but able to take off to the cinema or shopping or walking or whatever. I think we always want our cake and eat it because I love my family and wouldn't part with them for anything (well perhaps the ex)😊 Watching them grow into wonderful adults has been marvellous. Now I can sit back when they complain about having no time and smile.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Annie (and Mary 😊),

Yeah no surprise really about the meds... I think Mary has it right. On the positive side no more side effects is good news. When do you see your doc? Maybe they can up the meds for a little while? My psychiatrist doesn't like to... He says just work through it and that I'm doing ok.

I'll swap for some cool weather or even rain. It is getting hot here now. I spent the day sorting my plant benches so they get shade from the afternoon sun. Soon it will be time to mulch the pots and start watering my trees at the block once a week. I do like this job though. We've got a pair of bobtail lizards that have decided to make a home next to the water tank so it will be fun trying to stop the kids trying to pat them.

To be honest... I've been pretty rubbish. So if you need to vent go for it... It will be nice to see someone other than myself having a pity party 😊.

Mary how have you been? Statement done now?

Anyway I'm off to have a cuppa and then go to bed I think. Take care of yourselves dear ladies!

❤ Nat

[annie45]

Thanks Mary

It's wonderful to hear from you. I hope that your travelling ok.

I've come to realise that it's not the buisy-ness I hate, it's the asking for help factor. I'm working two days a week and now with the added strain of taking mum to her various appointments I'm having to call in extra favours to look after the kids. As much as people are willing and want to help, it's just something that I really struggle with. In fact I can trace the beginning of my latest round of depression with starting work two years ago. I simply hate relying on people - I figure that I should be able to do everything myself (crazy I know), but very deep-seated and not easy to shake. The irony is that it's come from growing up with a needy mother who required me to do a lot to help her out - I saw her neediness as a flaw and vowed not to be like that. Ironic now that she is very needy now (with good reason) and that flaw is driving me insane...

But even just this realisation is helping and I see this as an opportunity to grow, to allow myself to ask and accept help - a skill that I probably need a lot of practice in and by the looks of it will get over the next few years.

Thanks for writing back Mary,

Annie

[annie45]

Hi Nat,

yep i think as usual Mary has the meds bit right too. I'm happy to persist with my current dose and just wait this period out. As I explained above I have a lot more insight these days to what is upsetting me and ways that i need to grow to help allievate these feelings.

Yes I feel very uptight, tense with no patience. Mum still has no official diagnosis with them unable to prove their suspicions of mnd. Unfortunately her speech and swallowing is becoming seriously affected and I'm dropping around easy to swallow quiches and savoury muffins. Theres a Mri this week and even if they can't prove anything we are going to ask to be directed to a mnd clinic.

So much uncertainty at the moment. She is relying heavily on me at the moment and I feel very trapped again. She can't do this on her own and I'm the most suited to help. I've had to cancel my counselling appointment this week to take her to the MRI and theres just not enough hours in the day to book another this week. I feel frustrated that having taken on my job for two days a week I no longer have any allowed time to myself, and with the extra time needed to take mum to her appointments I'm having to call in extra favours for childminding. It means that I can't get any time to myself. At least my job is school terms only so I'm looking forward to christmas holidays!!

There you go- a pity party just for you. So whats going on with you? please share

Annie

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

Don't you just get full to the eyeballs with being responsible? I do! Totally with you about there not being enough hours in the day! I suppose me taking time to write on the forums is 'me' time but it really doesn't feel like it when you're managing a tantrum, preparing breakfast and typing one handed 😊.

I'm out of the loop with your family situation. Do you have siblings able to help? I remember Mum became the sole carer for my grandparents because she didn't demand help. She had 3 siblings who did nothing. I know you find it hard to ask for help but the reality is if you do it completely alone it is easy to end up resenting the care you give even though you do it out of love. Who can you share the appointments with? Or the cooking for Mum?

You need time for you. It isn't right that you have to cancel your counselling. Your health is just as important. Easy to say... Hard to put into practise though huh.

What's happening with me? Pity parties, slumping mood, self hate, anger, joint pain, distrust, trying to drag myself out of the pit of negativity I'm in. The usual 😊. It will be ok.

Today I've had a text from a friend feeling down and no motivation and another from one who's little one is driving her up the wall and is lonely. So coffee at my place soon. Got a fruit platter and snacks and paddling pool and water table for the kids to keep busy. And good company on the way. I'm looking forward to it. Then later I've got to go water the trees at the block and put water on the new concrete. So busy day which is good. Keeps the gremlins in my mind at bay.

I hope you can find some time for yourself today. Keep on trying Annie, it will get better (like Mary said we've just got to get through the little kid stage... Preferably with sanity intact 😊).

❤ Nat