help needed - i just can't ask

[annie45]

Hi This is the first time I've tried something like this so I'm nervous as hell. I'm struggling with depression. I have a good friendship network, wonderful family and even a good counsellor. But I can't open up to any of them. I've told them that i feel depressed and they ask all the right questions, but I can't respond. I can't verbalise it. Worse still I immediately put on a brave face and downplay how I feel when they ask. I don't want to. I want to express how horrible I feel but I can't. I'm not suicidal but I constantly picture myself doing something to hurt myself, something that will release me from this place - almost wishing that I could, but I have two young children and a wonderful husband that i can't do that to. I had a good week last week, and felt as though I was improving, yet the past two days I feel myself going down again. I don't know how to get out of this hole. Please help

[annie45]

Hi Mary

These words in particular helped me yesterday 'our shame is our shame. This is what has been done to us and we have accepted it'. Our shame comes from actions that have been done to us by others - it's not our fault. Yet we internalise our feelings and think that we are bad , flawed people. We cannot change what others have done but we can change how we react and how we feel about ourselves. This gave me a sense of control that I haven't felt for a long time. A sense of hope that somehow, I can change this.

I read on Nat's page that you have been having a hard time. I'm really sorry to hear this. You're a bit like me and don't like giving out details - I get that! But maybe you could write what you feel down (not too be posted) and pretend that it's my post. What advice would you give me? Your advice is often so insightful and practical. I really appreciate it, as do many of us here.If this was happening to one of us what would you tell us?

Take care of yourself - we are here for you

Annie

[annie45]

Hi Nat

It's not so much a down turn more of a stead state i'm afraid. When i say i'm managing or the dog is on a leash, I guess it means i'm managing my depression. It hasn't gone away, the terrible thoughts, flatness, sadness, worthlessness ect are all still there, but i'm able to cope with them. They are my constant companions but I have grown to accept them. My job is a great distraction for me, but it does take a lot out of me both prior to arriving and at the end of the day. I don't like to post about it, I don't like to talk about it so please don't think I'm hiding it from you.

I need to clear up one thing. My shame that i speak of, is not me being ashamed of having a MI. Unfortunately it's something that comes from a lack of motherly love. It made me feel worthless and unlovable as a child which has led to feelings worthlessness and self loathing. Unfortunately the problem is compounded by the fact that i pity my mum and don't blame her - in fact I feel a lot of guilt for even having these feelings....

I have come to the realisation that even though I am better able to cope with my depression - things are not on the improve. I've had extensive chats over the past 48 hours with my counsellor, gp and hubby and I now have a prescription in my hand. I value the opinions of these three people (and you too!) and although I feel a lot of misgivings I'm going to give them a go. Please wish me luck

Thank you for all your advice and caring

Annie

[startingnew]

hi Annie

i just wanted to pop in and say hello and sendin some support and encouraging hugs your way jsut as you do for me

xooxoxox

[White_Rose]

Hello Annie

Congratulations on taking one more step. I am presuming you are going to try an antidepressant. If you don't improve or have bad side effects you can stop taking it and try another. It really can help.

You were kind enough to ask about me. I am not doing well at the moment. I fact I told BB I was taking a few days off but I find talking to people like and Quercus helps me think of other people and their difficulties and not brood on my own. I am a very good brooder. So think I will stay a while and talk to others.

Children are so vulnerable and carry the scars of poor treatment for a long time, if not the rest of their lives, without help. I like to think we all help each other an d I so much wish I write it all down for you but I cannot, shame again.

I would say that if you are better able to cope with your depression, then things are improving. Remember you need to the right ingredients for your recipe for wellness, then mix them according to directions, bake in the oven until done. My guess is you are baking in the oven. Nothing seems to happen for a while even though you have meticulously got the mix right. Time in a warm oven to allow the ingredients to mix well and then rise to the occasion.

Mary

[Guest_3712]

Annie my dear friend

I think umay know my story re my own mother

I know what u r going thru and it is very complex and is something I'm still dealing with

No matter what your mother is your mother and daughters will always have conflicting emotions

im not sure I will ever come to terms with our lack of relationship but now I have her funeral to deal with so I either keep wondering and be miserable and accept it for what it was and move on

my goal is to give my children everything I didn't - Not material but emotional so they pass on to their kids

So in a way she may have done her job after all

Find peace Annie- you deserve it

Stressless

[annie45]

Thanks SN

I appreciate that. I hope you're doing ok

Annie

[annie45]

Mary

Thank you for your kind words. I hope that you are doing better.

Annie

[Quercus]

Hi Annie,

Thanks for your reply on my thread. How are you going on the meds?

My friend spoke to me recently about never feeling good enough in her family. Told me her psych said sometimes we need to accept that what we want and need our parent will never be able to give.

Not necessarily because they don't feel love or pride but because they are an unique person with their own problems. They just may not be able to demonstrate.

She told me the challenge was to accept the reality of what they offer. And whether the pain and regret outweighs the benefit of having them in your life. If the pain wins it is time to end and grieve the relationship.

Don't know if this is helpful but I found it interesting.

❤ Nat

[annie45]

Hi Ladies

A quick update...I've done it. I've finally accepted that meds might help and I've been on them for a week. Unfortunately so far I've had trouble sleeping (taking them in the morning now) and nausea but hoping it settles down soon.

Obviously too soon to see any results yet so still the same old same old i'm afraid. However, as I said I'm pretty used to it now and able to cope with it.

By the sounds of your threads you are all struggling with your own issues at the moment. I don't have many words of advice but I do offer you all comfort and the knowledge that I'm thinking of you all

Thanks

Annie

[Guest_3712]

Hi Annie,

What a huge step for you . I really hope you get some relief from your symptoms. The side effects should settle down soon, just keep an eye out or document so you can tell doc.

Thanks again for always being there for me - I'm always here for you too

Take Care

Stressless